A/N: This is my first forage into the world of ff writing, so I suppose you can call me a virgin if you will. Never thought i'd say that again.... I hope popping my ff cheery is as satisfying for you as it has been this thus far for me.
To my dear, lovely bbwraven, I could not have done this without you. Thank you bb for holding my hand. MUAH!
Disclaimer: S Meyer owns all things Twilight, I just make Bella cry.
"Our lives improve
only when we take chances
- and the first and most difficult
risk we can take
is to be honest with ourselves."
Jesus H. I scrubbed the heels of my hands over my tear-filled, swollen eyes for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last hour as I continued to half-heartedly listen to him continue to tell me all the reasons why I could not possibly be a truthful and faithful wife. You would think this song and dance would be old by now; I mean was what, the 20th time we had had this conversation in the last 10 years of our marriage?
I was surprised at myself that I still had any tears left or that I even felt any grief to cry. Still, no matter how many times we had this same fight and no matter how many times he's said the same words, it still hurt like it was brand new. I never pay any attention to him, all I do is work, I never want to do anything with him anymore, and we never have sex anymore so obviously I must be fucking someone else. Blah, blah, blah... It seemed to take so little to get the conversation going nowadays. Just a comment in passing or a quiet look was all it took.
Before, it was easy to avoid the conversation. See, my egg shells and I are VERY good friends. I could easily skirt around issues by always being who he wanted me to be, by always smiling and playing the June to his Ward. I never spoke out in public; I always waited for him to acknowledge me before speaking because God forbid I say something to embarrass him. The last thing I needed was "the look".
I always dressed the way he wanted and did my hair the way he wanted because it pleased him. He hated that I read all the time because he was not getting enough attention so I stopped reading, which was a shame because it was one of my greatest joys. I now had boxes and boxes of books hidden at Rose's condo because of this. My work at home was taking away our time together so I stopped working from home. I made sure dinner was always prepared as soon as I came home from work and the house was always spotless. I was the perfect wife and we were soooo happy. The things you do for love right?
See, here's the deal though; In the last year I have been getting so tired. I don't mean a weary kind of tired - I mean sick and tired. I just can't take it anymore. I feel so broken and beaten and there is only so much a woman can take right? I cry in the shower almost every morning and when I come home from work in the afternoon I am finding it increasingly harder to keep up the charade. Sooner or later he's going to figure me out. If I were completely honest with myself I'd give it up and admit that I really don't give a shit anymore. I've gotten to the point that I just feel like screaming. I know that would make me feel better, but that would not make me act like the adult that I am. Still, my inner child is taunting me to run through the halls of my home pulling at my hair and flinging things off counters and shelves while I yell at the top of my lungs. But this would make me like him and that's the last thing I want. So I try to at least hold on to the last remaining amount of dignity I have left and be the better person.
What I want to know, is why the one person in your life that is supposed to give you the most support is essentially the one that gives you the most grief? Why can't that person just take the love and support that is given and embrace it, rather then ALWAYS think there is another motive involved? It's a shame to waste love that is given so purely and so freely. It's a shame to twist it and turn it into something dirty and ugly, and make it seem worthless and meaningless. Like everything you have been working toward was for nothing. It makes you want to change your mind about a great many things. I used to believe in happy endings, growing old together, finding that one person that you were meant to be with for the rest of your life. I would love to be one of those women that believed in true love and happily ever after - You know...like the women in the romance novels that always get the dream guy in the end? Like Cinderella or Snow White... But it's all crap. Instead I often feel like the silently screaming child pulling her hair out and trying to keep on that happy face so no one knows that anythings wrong.
For so many years I tried to be hopeful about everything in my life. I radiated energy and positivity. It's what I was known for; my wild exuberance finding the good in anything and boosting the energy in those around me. I told myself that if I remained this way it would rub off and eventually everything would get better. My life, my "marriage", everything I had worked so hard to keep together would remain intact and whole. What I have found is that instead of it rubbing off, I was overcompensating for someone else's negativity. I was trying to be happy for both of us. I was ignoring what was really happening and what had been festering for year's right under my nose. And I had been doing the emotional job of two adults. I have been doing it for years!!
I am an enabler; I know this, I've always known this and I am one of the worst kind. I'm someone who, by my own actions, has made it easier for my husband to continue his self-destructive behavior by my need for rescuing. I unreasonably believed that we could maintain a healthy relationship by my avoiding conflict and nurturing his dependency of me. See there? I created this fuckery farce of a marriage all on my own. Did I start out with help? Oh yes, but when it came right down to it, I made the monster what it is today and I am the only one that can fix it. I did this to myself.
It was at that moment, as I was listening to him school me on the finer points of communicating better as a wife that something finally clicked in my head and I just couldn't take it anymore. I had a sudden revelation. I could breathe and .GOD everything finally hit home for me and four of the most daunting words hovered at the forefront of my brain. I CAN'T FIX THIS. Then my brain clicked again! I CANT FIX HIM! I can't fix him, I can't fix him, Oh holy crow!!! I CAN'T fix him! He will never change and I really need to do something. NOW!
My head was spinning a mile a minute. What the fuck was I doing? Could I really do this? Did I have the courage to make it on my own? He was all I ever knew. What if I failed? What if I made this decision and it was the worst thing I ever did, and I had to come back with my tail between my legs?
No! Bella STOP! You're doing it again. You know he makes you so unhappy. All you ever do is cry. You don't even know who you are any more and don't you want the chance to know that? You CAN do this. You have been carrying yourself and him for years all by yourself. You CAN do this! You have a lot of soul searching to do. You have courage, support, friends, and family. Bella ..BACK!! And you know what?? Come hell or high water you're gonna get it!!
My head snapped up and I brought the tissue up to my eyes and dried the tears that were spilling down my cheeks. "Just stop it." I said looking right at him.
"Huh? Did you just interrupt me? Because you know how that pisses me off. I was just talking about your communicating, or lack thereof and this is part of it. You just have to interrupt, don't you?" He replied in a soft mocking tone that reeked of sarcasm.
"STOP!" I shouted, Ignoring his tone that I had become so used to, "Don't say another word to me. I'm done listening to you down me. Tonight is the last time."
"Are you threatening me Bella? Are you going to use the old I'll pack my bags and go to my mom's house line again?" He sneered defensively with an I dare you smirk on his face, "Come on Bella, You know you won't do it. You don't have the guts!"
It still amazed me that the words that spewed out of his mouth, and the coldness at which he could speak them, had the effect on me that they did. It still hurt. I had a feeling that it always would. My heart was too soft.
And now here he was calling my bluff again. But little did he know that this time, I had a surprise up my sleeve. Taking a deep, unsteady breath, I stood up straight, turned around and walked into the closet bringing back out my red rolling suitcase and with surprising calm I picked it up and laid it on the bed. A look of pure shock crossed his face as he saw what I was doing. Yeah, that's right mother fucker. Who doesn't have the guts now huh?
"W-h-h-hat are you doing Bella?" he stammered in a panicked voice.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" I replied, in a strong and steady tone.
I opened up one of my dresser drawers and started pulling out clothes by the armful, and stuffing it in the suitcase not caring if the piles were neat or not. I willed myself to be strong as I took a deep breath and mustered up the largest amount of courage I had ever needed in my life.
"Bella, baby wait a second, let's talk about this. You don't have to do this. Please…" I had never heard him sound so pathetic. If I didn't know better I thought I heard a sob in his voice.
"I'm not threatening you at all, " I stated in a low and defeated voice. "Tonight..., tonight is about promises and this is a promise."
I pulled open another drawer and emptied the remaining contents. He just stared at me with his mouth hanging open. I made my way into the bathroom and dumped all my bathroom contents into a small matching carrier bag and carried it back into the bedroom. I zipped up the suitcase, set it on the floor, scooped up my purse and rolled the suit case out of the bedroom and down the hall.
I made my way to the front door with James following lagging behind me. He still did not think I would do it. I turned my head and peered over my shoulder, my final words ringing strong and true.
"I'm leaving you James."
And with that I opened the front door and walked out of my house for the last time.
A/N: I really want to know what you think....I know you wanna push the review button. Go on...do it..I dare you.