Disclaimer: I don't own this, it all belongs to Stephanie Meyers. I was inspired by Kings of Leon and encouraged & guided by the awesome Jane Bond. And to my Twilight Sisterhood girls who've been nothing but supportive of my journey. This is my first attempt at FF so please be gentle......(((hugs)))
By Edward Cullen
No one really knows I'm the walking dead
But the shell of my human self will never forget
The moment my life ceased
As is I have some crazed disease
I need to wipe away your memory…….
I will forget your name,
I will forget your name,
I will erase every memory I have of you,
I'll pretend those moments weren't even true.
I'll figure out how live again,
I'll learn how to stand
I'm standing here in the rain,
Your words causing so much pain,
You walk back into the house as I'm standing there
Pouring my heart out
And you walked away!
But I will forget your name…
I will forget you exist
I will learn to live….again
The stage lights were still down and the roar of the crowd was overwhelming but at the same time soothing. The longer I waited the louder they screamed my name. Closing my eyes I began to strum my guitar, the audience quiet compared to what I was hearing now, in my head. Feeding off their need I played her song, the one that started it all. No one knew these words tormented me, I just knew they craved them as if they were drug addicts and I was their dealer.
But I'm no dealer, I'm Edward Cullen.
As I started to sing, I stripped my soul bare with her song and it seemed appropriate as I glanced up, that I see her sitting in the crowd just as the house lights came on exposing the audience. Staring at her, my heart started pounding in my chest and my voice choked. I couldn't finish and as if the crowd knew it they continued to sing the words 'I will forget your name, I will erase every memory I have of you'.
Jasper came to my side with questions in his eyes that I couldn't answer. I was barely playing, my hands loosely strumming my guitar. I felt like I was in a drunken stupor. Trying to snap out of it, I motioned for Emmett to take the solos and like a kid in a candy store he went for it like the pro I knew my brother was.
I turned towards Rose on drums; she's was giving me a disapproving look. Yeah, I was going to have to hear about it later, she hates it when I fuck up.
Alice mouthed, 'are you ok?' I simply shrugged still feeling dazed.
"Seriously are you ok?" Jasper asked me, sounding concerned.
"Just saw a ghost" was all I could muster.
Jasper knew immediately what I was talking about, after all he was the only one who knew what this song was really about. Fuck her, I thought to myself, this is my show.
Since everything was already off they were waiting for my signal, I motioned for Jasper to slow down the tempo and the others were to follow suit just as Emmett finished his solo.
I began to sing a slower version of the chorus that became my mantra.
I'll forget your name
I'll forget your name
I will erase every memory I have of you
"This has been a great show, it's great to be back home" I yelled and the crowd went wild screaming my name. I even heard a 'Rose show me your rack' that made me chuckle and I knew Rose would just roll her eyes if she heard that.
"You have been great audience! Hell you guys don't need me to finish this song." The crowd was screaming for more.
"Want to help me take it out?" A collective roar went through the arena. "Ok, you know the chorus repeat it twice after I finish....ok here we go."
I sang the chorus hoping she knew it was for her and I signaled for the band to fade until the audience was done singing and to start up to re-fade as usual. Then I pointed to the audience and they were singing the words so loud it practically shook the stage.
It never failed after singing this song that the ache in my heart became so bad that I couldn't breathe. There was a reason it was the last song of the night, I was simply no good after singing it. Seeing her in the audience reopened that ache.
After the song ended, it was time to take our bows. Even though I was technically a solo act everyone knew Cullen was a band. With Rose and Emmett on my left, Alice and Jasper on my right we took our final bow. The flashes were going off. I smiled and even bent over to the audience and shook a few hands.
Peering into the crowd, I saw a young girl about 7 years old trying to give me a little bear with guitar. The crowd was overhelming her and not wanting to her to get trampled I leaned over and pulled her on stage as security held the crowd back.
"I made this for you", she said as she pushed the bear in my hands. She looked out into the crowd, with her eyes growing wide. "This is so scary." She looked at me then, her eyes narrowing and the sidelong glance she gave me was so joyful. She threw her small arms around my neck and squeezed. "I love the fun-fun song".
I chuckled because most people were in a state of shock at my behavior and silly songs. Emmett thought it was funny to post the drunken videos on YouTube but tonight I needed a pick me up so I sang it live. I was able to keep it PG since I was sober and she seemed to enjoy it.
"Thank you." I whispered in her ear as I hugged her back. I handed her back to security, grabbed the bear and walked off stage. I don't usually keep toys but I was planning on keeping this one, plus the bear had a miniature white shirt, pinstripe vest and the Cullen crest over the heart. The Cullen Crest is simply a part of me; I always try to keep the gifts from fans that include the crest.
As I exited the stage I saw a fuming Rose angrily puffing on a cigarette. Once she saw me she was ready to pounce.
"Fuck Edward why did you go all fucktard on us? You know that song, I've even heard you fucking sing that song in your fucking sleep" she yelled.
"Not now Rose!" I muttered roughly, my words reflecting my mood.
I began to walk away, but before I could escape my mom grabbed me and threw herself into my arms giggling.
"Sweetie you were so good!" she exclaimed.
"Thanks Mom but before we get all huggy and stuff, let me shower first, I don't want to get sweat all over you", I chuckled. I was drenched in sweat and I knew I was going to start to stink if I didn't shower soon.
"Oh posh! You're my baby", she said grabbing my face and kissing my forehead.
Oh great, I'm her baby. Dear Lord did I really agree to spend the next 8 weeks with my parents? I must have been really home sick or something when I offered up that brilliant idea.
"Esme, let the boy go shower", my father said gently removing my mom.
I was giving my dad a silent thank you when he motioned with his hand to his mouth that she'd been drinking. Yeah, mom drinking is pure comedy. She can't drink to save her life.
"Great show son. We'll be in the community room", my father added.
The Community Room was the spot we designated to meet up with family and friends after a show. Which also meant mom was going to have more drinks; I was willing to bet that Emmett would have his camera ready.
"Ok give me a few and I'll meet you there", I said running for my private dressing room. I was excited to see my parents, but I never thought I would be excited to hang out with them, especially when I told my dad I wasn't going to medical school but instead taking the record deal that was basically thrown at me 4 years ago.
I was pretty sure he felt partially responsible since he was the one who cut me off financially. He refused to pay for anything other than tuition after I trashed a hotel room with my frat buddies during my junior year of college. So, I started singing, playing guitar or piano at any local college bar that needed someone. I didn't know there were actual record execs that came to watched performances. Once, when one of the singers was too drunk to go on the bar owner of a place I frequent most called me to sing. A record exec happened to be there had seen me a few times before over the course of a year. The next thing I knew I was playing at small venues, and before I could blink a real deal was presented.
Thinking about the original band the record label set me up with made me chuckle. They were whiners who were angry that they didn't have a say on my song writing process since I had creative control. After one week and a failed performance in Phoenix I fired them. I immediately called my best friend Jasper to play bass and my brother Emmett, who was still recovering from a career ending injury from the NFL, to play lead guitar. I was still trying to find a drummer when Emmett suggested his ex-fiancée Rose and thankfully there hasn't been any awkwardness between the two. My sister Alice, who refused to be left out, appointed herself my stylist and occassional keyboardist.
Placing my new favorite toy on the table, I shed my clothes, grabbed a towel and hopped in the shower. As the hot water hit my skin, I finally allowed myself to think about seeing her in the audience tonight. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and drifted back, I could still see those deep brown eyes that always reminded me of chocolate, and her long mahogany hair that smelled like flowers. She had a bottom lip was slightly larger than the top. I could remember kissing those lips for hours and her excited moans when we'd made love. I shouldn't have allowed myself to think about her that way. With images of her flashing through my mind my erection was quickly becoming uncomfortable.
Once I put myself at ease, I finished my shower and got dressed. Alice, my self-appointed stylist, pre-approved my jeans, white wife beater layered with an overly priced flannel shirt, black and white Converse. I was going to throw on my favorite baseball cap but remembered it was packed with my items I sent back to my parent's house. Fortunately, my hair dries pretty fast so I made quick work of my hair applying Frederic Fekkai's Glossing Cream, my one girlie product and the only thing that helps tame my out of control curls. As I was running the glossing cream through my hair I made a mental note to tag Leah while I was in town. Hopefully she could squeeze in time for a cut. I was getting a little shaggier than usual.
Taking a final glance in the mirror I put on my game face and made my way to find my family.
When I entered into the Community Room the first person I saw was one of my good friend's Jacob Black and his fiancée, Leah. I hadn't seen Jake in 6 months since he and Leah joined the band for a week in London and Paris, which he took full advantage of, so it was also where they got engaged.
Jake sauntered over when he noticed me.
"Bout time you brought your ugly mug down here", he said gathering me in a bro embrace. Jake was 5 inches taller than my 6'2 and just as big as Emmett if not bigger.
I turned and gave Leah a brief hug and kiss on the cheek. "Hey beautiful, are you sure want to marry this fucktard? I just want you to realize that the option to runaway with me is still there", I said jokingly.
"And have your fans scratch out my eyes, no thank you", she laughed. I took her in my arms and twirled her until her back was against my chest. I wrap my arms around her waist and kissed her neck. As I glanced up I saw the stunned expression on Jake's face.
"Sorry Jake, I'm gonna steal your lady one day", I said smiling.
"HA!" Jake laughed and grabbed Leah. "You can try if you want Cullen but the lady is mine!" He bent her over and gave her an intimate kiss. I grinned and looked away.
"Jake, stop being a possessive ass. You know he can never steal me away from you", Leah snorted, "Plus, I refuse to be the source of his next angry song".
"Ouch Leah" I said grabbing my heart.
Just then, I saw her standing by the bar, it looked like she was texting someone, she slowly glanced up, blinked a few times and gave me a shy smile.
Bella was here.
Bella, the woman I could never replace.
Bella, the woman I was trying to forget.