AN: I do not like Tonks. If you like Tonks, or like Remus&Tonks, or like Remus and Tonks being friendly to one another, I advise you not to read. Because Tonks is about to find out that the only way she could get inside Remus' pants, was if she had a dick. And she's gonna find out the hard way. (You may take that literally)

When Tonks arrived at Hogwarts – planning on visiting Remus – she was surprised to find that there were six or seven students gathered around the man's classroom. Or rather, six students were peeking through the half-open door, regarding whatever was going on behind it. She frowned at this, and, afraid something had gone wrong with her amiable Remus, she hurried forward.

Hermione was one of the students, and when she heard the footsteps, she jumped, scared it was McGonagall. All other students were in class or up in their common rooms, but herself, Harry, Ron, and three Slytherins: Malfoy, Zabini and Parkinson had been told to redo an assignment. When Hermione had offered to her friends that perhaps they should ask professor Lupin to elaborate and give them some extra information about the subject, they'd stumbled upon the three Slytherins, watching their professor from behind the door.

"What's going on?" Tonks asked, worried – she was immediately shushed by Ron, who's eyes had grown big, like marbles.

"Professor Lupin is…" Hermione hesitated, speaking in a low voice, "taking care of himself."

"What?" the purple-head blinked in question.

"For Merlin's sake," Blaise hissed and averted his eyes only momentarily to glare at the insignificant woman, "he's wanking!"

Hermione blushed a deep pink but nodded, and without further explanation, she lowered herself to continue watching the scene. Tonks considered telling them off – really, it wasn't very proper to spy like that – but than again, she felt a need to protect her crush.

"There's no way Remus would do that," she whispered upset, her voice cracking, "he's very responsible and…"

Parkinson silenced her, tugging her down by her robe, and pointed at the door – it was opened halfway, and gave a perfect view of the room – it allowed them to stay hidden behind it, while being able to see what went on inside.

Shoving her sense of duty aside and letting her curiosity take control, Tonks joined the bent-over teenagers, and nervously looked inside the room with the rest of them.

Remus Jay Lupin, the love of her life, was right there, sitting at his desk. At first nothing seemed off to Tonks – but then she noticed the small details, and sealed her hand over her mouth to stifle a gasp. His hair was sweaty, sticking to his forehead. He had his head thrown backwards slightly, revealing his bobbing Adam's apple and his bottom lip, which was sucked into his mouth. His hands were hidden behind the desk, and so was his lower body, but at the gasps and moans that fell from his lips, they could only assume he was indeed pleasuring himself.

The sight brought a red hue to her cheeks, and she had to admit it was certainly something to behold. The otherwise so composed man was gasping for air and writhing in pleasure – it made her think of all the ways she could pleasure him, if only he'd let her.

They stared transfixed as he raised one hand to brush the hair from his face, letting out a strangled sob. The hand dropped down and he grasped at the desk, groaning loudly.

"Oh Merlin," his mouth fell open and they could see his chest heaving under his wet shirt, the fabric stuck to his skin – they could see his nipples too, clearly standing out under all the white, "ha—"

He moaned again, and Tonks vaguely heard one of the girls sigh in appreciation.

His knuckles turned white at the strength with which he held onto the desk, and they could see him shaking all over. His body jerked and he panted, letting out a shuddering breath.

And than something very, very odd happened. Something that had all of them covering their mouths to lock in a gasp, in order not to get caught by the preoccupied teacher.

A hand slithered up Remus' sweaty belly, and to his chest. A hand that was not Remus' at all – no, Tonks noted, Remus' hands were scared and slightly tanned – this was a pale hand, with slender fingers.

"Lucky bastard's getting a bj!" Blaise muttered in awe, and Tonks realised he was right.

She half felt inclined to break down and cry – but sex didn't mean anything! She was sure Remus loved her, really, she was. And whoever this woman was, it wouldn't matter, because it was just sexual gratification. That's all Remus needed her for. Seriously, Tonks had nothing to worry about.

"Can you see a face?" Harry asked curiously, but they all shushed him and watched the hand instead.

The pale fingers undid the buttons of the brunette's shirt smoothly – folding back the damp cloth to reveal the man's scared chest. Remus purred darkly, and a finger drew small circles around his left nipple, before rubbing it softly. The nub was already hard, and as the other person toyed with it, Remus bit his lip again, trying to keep himself from growling. He panted hard, grasping the hand that was teasing his nipples with the one that had been buried in the other's silky hair. He brought it up to his lips and kissed the fingers, his eyes opening suddenly, focusing on his lap. The hand he had tightened around the desk unclasping slightly, as he licked one of the fingers languidly.

"Please," he whispered breathlessly, effortlessly sucking two digits into his mouth, "hurry – I'm so close…"

A head appeared and – as Tonks and the others realised who it was – they were once more forced to stifle their gasps if they wished to continue watching their voyeuristic show. She really did feel like crying now, but not believing her own eyes, she did nothing but look – as did the others, simply to be sure that they weren't dreaming.

Sirius Orion Black licked Remus' bellybutton teasingly, taking his time to get to his feet. His tongue slithered over the man's scarred chest, his free hand groping at skin as he left hickeys on the man's collar bone. He towered over the brunette, one hand still in the man's mouth, and purred darkly as he took in the sight before him – Remus, hard and aching in his chair, legs obediently spread with his hair tangled, his lips deep red and his eyes lust-clouded – oh, the man was indeed a sight to behold.

"Baby," he pulled his fingers from the man's mouth, making him whimper at the loss of oral stimulation, and placed his hands on his bare hips instead, "I really just wanna fuck you into your desk now."

Remus groaned at the words, and they saw his legs – one sock still hanging half off his foot – lift to tangle around Sirius' clothed form. The taller man easily hosted the brunette up in his arms, and carried him over to the other side of the desk. They saw that the buttons of Sirius' jeans had been undone, and his underwear was partly revealed, bleeding white underneath the dark fabric of his pants. The brunette's tan ass was showing a bit from under his own white button-down, his pants disposed of long ago. Remus lovingly stroked through the dark hair as the other man set him back down on his desk – his face still in perfect view for them to see – kissing the damp temple.

"You're not naked," he noted with a dissatisfied pout, and his hands crawled underneath Sirius' black t-shirt – in one quick move he pulled it off over the man's head, revealing his pale back, "I missed you."

"I missed you too baby," Sirius kissed the brunette's neck, and Remus tipped his head, giving him more access to bite and tease, "I almost forgot that your horny purrs are even sexier when they're not resounding through the phone."

Remus chuckled, and went to look back at his lover – when his eyes fell on something else completely and widened in shock.

"Fuck!" he squealed in horror, and wrapped his arms around Sirius securely, pulling him against himself to hide his naked flesh as his eyes locked with Harry's.

"Don't worry," Sirius muttered, thinking his lover was acting in heat, "I will."

"No Siri—" Remus gasped, and the observers bit their lips – too shocked by the revelation of Sirius Black going down on their teacher to act, "someone's watching!"

"Wha—" the man turned – his hands manoeuvred Remus so he was safely blocked behind his own broader body – when he saw that there were indeed people hiding behind the door, he forgot his excitement and went into full parental mode, tapping his foot, "okay, you're busted! Come out now, and shut the door!"

Scared of the sound of Sirius' hard voice, and how composed he stayed, even as he realised that they'd been caught, about to go at it on his lover's desk, they straightened and entered the classroom – head bowed down in shame.

Tonks was last and closed to door – but instead of being ashamed, she was glaring at her cousin.

When Remus saw her, he rolled his eyes: typical that she would make such a fuss out of this. Sirius stayed calm – even though he wanted to crawl underneath the desk and never come out again, possibly hiding with his sexy half-naked Remy and do the nasty there, for lives to come – and reached back over the desk for his lover's underwear. He agilely turned, slid it over the man's legs and kissed his nose, before sitting down next to him. Out of habit be placed his hand between Remus' thighs, and in answer the brunette leaned into his body.

"Do you realise how impolite it is to spy on people?" Sirius began sternly, and the six students nodded faintly – they tried to not look too pointedly at both men's crotches, as they had very evident tents in their trousers – Tonks blushed a deep red, angry at how relaxed he was.

"How could you do this to me Remus!" she spoke shrilly, eyes filling with fake-tears – the students looked up at her in confusion, "how could you just—"

"He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing," Sirius interrupted with a frown, "apart from the fact that shagging on a desk might be a bit inappropriate."

"Slughorn doesn't think so," Remus added with a sheepish smile, giving Harry a nod as if saying, 'if you want extra credit, fuck someone on your potion's teacher's desk', "when he caught us he gave Gryffindor thirty points!"

"Remy baby," the ravenhead smirked at the man next to him, "I know the thought of me pounding you into a desk makes you hazy, but can you focus? Six of your students found us almost-shagging."

"Of course, right," he nodded, determent to be the teacher he was supposed to be – just as he opened his mouth Tonks interrupted again.

"You're fucking my cousin!" she shrieked.

"Actually," Remus gave an apologetic smile, "he's fucking me – well, most of the times, there are—" he stopped when he saw Sirius' raised eyebrow, and coughed, "what I meant to say was: you're very bad for eavesdropping like that!"

He tried to give the students a stern look, but failed miserably. He was just too fucking horny to pull off the fearful-professor bit. Blaise – quite used to seeing boys in-lust – noted the cloudy eyes and blushing cheeks, the way his chest heaved when Sirius slid his hand higher and the unmistakable twitch of his boxers, and decided to take advantage of his horny professor. Because really, how many chances do you get at that?

"We're sorry professor," he said in his nicest innocent-student voice, "we promise it won't happen again. We'll just leave the two of you to it now."

"I very much like that idea," Sirius grinned, and without further ado attached his lips to Remus' neck again.

Remus, on the other hand, had encountered Blaise's innocent-student voice, and didn't buy any of it – with renewed strength, he managed to ignore the fact that he really wanted Sirius to fuck him senseless, and he gave the raven boy a scowl.

"Mister Zabini," he found his fearful teacher-voice and saw the students shiver, "the fact that you saw me in such a position does not outrule the fact that I am your superior!"

"'m sorry," Blaise went back to bowing his head in shame, and Sirius groaned.

"Remy just let them leave," he begged, never letting his lips release the hold on the skin of his neck, "please..." he whimpered softly at having to wait so long before he could lay his claim on his lover, and distracted himself by leaving a dark hickey on the tan neck.

"Will you get off him!" Tonks raged, as Remus feebly tried prying the other man off so he could properly punish his students – of course he didn't really want Sirius to stop, but apparently Tonks disagreed with him.

Both men glared at her – and so did the three Slytherin students: they wanted a show dammit! – Sirius, for her telling him what to do, Remus, for making Sirius stop. He whimpered slightly at the loss of tongue on skin, and Sirius rubbed his thigh soothingly.

"What makes you think you can tell me what to do!" Sirius snarled, and Tonks set her hands on her hips angrily.

"He's obviously not enjoying it!" she snapped, and Blaise laughed long and hard.

"Are you bonkers lady?" he cackled cruelly at her, and she backed off slightly, "he's just hot and bothered because we're here which means he can't be fucked into any sort of furniture!"

Tonks spluttered in protest and Sirius laughed.

"I like him," he said to his lover, "you shouldn't give him detention."

"Hey," Harry scowled, "what about us? It's not our fault you couldn't keep it in your pants for five minutes!"

"Okay," Sirius sighed, "Harry and—"

"You knew!" Tonks interrupted once more, eyes wide, "you knew they were... were... doing this... disgusting—"

"Who you calling disgusting!" Blaise spat, "you have boobs!"

"Of course we knew," Hermione smiled politely at Tonks as Pansy tried to prevent Blaise from doing anything stupid – like poking Tonks in the eye with his wand, "it was rather obvious when we caught them in the bathroom that one time..."

"We were not doing it in the tub!" Sirius interrupted, "I was fixing his back!"

"Sure you were," Draco chuckled, and Sirius glared at him.

"Didn't look like you were fixing anything," Ron laughed.

"Didn't sound like it either," Harry smirked and the friends high-fived.


Remus – who had been quiet for quite a while now – interrupted when Tonks went to speak again. He interrupted in his serious teacher-voice, the voice feared by all because any threat made in that voice, was by no means empty – the voice ran shivers down the students back and caused them to want to cower in fright – the voice meant many unpleasant things, and it meant all of that, without being louder than any other normal voice. It was hell itself.

"I have had it! Tonks, get over yourself – you wouldn't have a chance at me, even if you did happen to have a dick hiding under there somewhere! Sirius is the only person I want and it's not changing any time soon, the six of you," he extracted his eyes from Sirius' smirking face, and looked pointedly at his students, "if anyone ever finds out about this incident I will make sure you serve detention with me for the rest of your lives – you will not like it, it will be unpleasant. Did I make myself clear?"

The students nodded in shock, swallowing thickly – Tonks too shocked to react – their eyes speaking of guilt but more of fear of the prospect of serving detention forever.

"But—" Tonks began, ready to hurdle any sort of excuse at the men, but Sirius snapped his fingers, drawing her attention to him instead.

"No buts! You heard him – he wouldn't want you, even if you had a penis!" he stuck out his tongue childishly, and Remus shook his head in disbelief.

"Siri, behave," he scolded – without any real malice – and refocused on his students, "you may leave now. Any questions concerning your assignment will be answered in…" he blinked, considering it, "Siri?"

"…five hours," the raven said with a nod – at which Remus' mouth spontaneously dropped.

"Five hours?" he repeated incredulous, setting his hands on his hips – Blaise chuckled, but was silenced by the man's threatening glare.

"Baby, I didn't come all the way here just to shag you into your desk and be done with it," Sirius explained with a frown, "I've come to mark you, nice and slow."

"…but five hours?" the brunette still wasn't convinced, and Sirius smirked.

"Including post-coitus snuggle, nap, and clean-up," he looked fairly proud of himself, and he gave his lover a brief kiss on the lips, sneaking an arm around his waist, "I promise you it'll be good baby," he murmured softly, kissing an even path down his throat.

Remus was momentarily distracted by the move, and he tipped back his head in pleasure when he felt the other man's lips brush against him. Their observers watched with greedy eyes at the little display of affection, and Remus murmured something sounding suspiciously much like: "class dismissed."

Sirius gave a wave, eyes focusing on Harry as his hands continued the teasing his lips had started.

"Off you go," he ordered, making his point clear when he got off the desk, pulling Remus with him.

Without further ado he hoisted the brunette onto his shoulder – earning him a shriek – and headed for the winding stairs, leading to Remus' office. Professor Lupin didn't even protest, instead drawing figures on Sirius' revealed back, his eyes hazy and seemingly far-off. When they reached the door, he straightened his head slightly, and glared at the students, plus Tonks.

"LEAVE! Before I detention your asses into next week!" the threat was a bit put-off when Sirius pinched his ass and he gave a squeak, but it was still enough to send the teenagers scattering, running off to their respectable dorms.

Sirius closed the door to Remus' office behind him with a bang and immediately a string of giggles and moans came from behind it. Tonks fell to the floor and started sobbing uncontrollably, but no one really gave a shit.

AN: fear the teacher-voice. It will hunt you forever. Well, this was a nice piece of nonsensical crap, and I loved writing it ^^ Hope you enjoyed!