Before you even say anything, yes, I know, this episode is a week late. And I'm sorry, if you care. If you don't, well then this doesn't matter. Enjoy the episode! And also thanks to the people who've left such nice reviews. Alright. I'm shutting up.
Disclaimer: You know what? I'm not even going to try and say anything clever for this. I don't own these. Suck it up.
Hello, and welcome back once again to a Currently Title-less Crossover! Yes, we are airing a week late, and we apologize. But for now, let's just continue on like nothing ever happened. You don't need a summary, right? You've kept up. You know what happened last time. So as of right now, we're going to skip to right after the 12-hour rule has just ceased to take effect. What's going on with Carrion and Snape?
Camera fades in on beach. Dobby halfway through an elaborate sand castle that's twice as tall as him, complete with moat, drawbridge, decorational shells, and a little battalion of soldiers. John Mischeif and his brothers are talking quietly (for once) about cheese. Carrion and Snape are still sitting on the sand, DS's up to their noses (Or in Carrion's case, up to his glass collar). Both of their eyes are rimmed red and watery from staring at an LCD screen for so long.
"Must...not...blink..." grunts Snape as he taps ferociously at the A button.
"Must...kill...greaseball..." mutters Carrion as he attacks the screen with the stylus.
"Must...shut...up..." grumbles John Serpent.
Yes, viewers, this has been going on for several hours. We don't even know what game they're playing. The cameras don't have enough level of zoom to see the screens from where they're positioned. But as you can see, they're each very determined to defeat the other. Unfortunately, with 12 hours without any kind of break, both batteries are preparing to give out. Look, both lights are red.
"No!" shouts Carrion as his light begins to flash. "Must defeat wizard before battery dies."
"Battery is life!" yells Snape in turn. "Must win before life dies. If life dies, me dead."
So, you know what they say? That LCD lights kill brain cells? Apparently it's true. And as much as we know that you would love to stay here and watch the rest of this epic, blazing battle, we're going to show you an exciting development that's underway.
Zoomyzoomzoom...focus on in deep forest. Sweeney Todd is having a silent conversation with Nellie Lovett, consisting of mostly nods, jerks of heads, and threatening hand gestures.
And look here! We have Sweeney and Nellie having a silent conversation consisting mostly of nods, jerks of heads, and threatening hand gestures!
That's what I said.
Shut up, you're just the camera. You can't steal my lines. All you're allowed to do is narrate. It looks as though...
Sweeney jerks his head violently to the left, making his hair flop in his face. Mrs. Lovett shakes her head and tries to grab his hands.
...Sweeney wants Nellie to leave, but Nellie just wants to stay with him. Either that, or Sweeney really has to go to the bathroom, but Nellie wants him to do it where she can see him. How perverted. Oh, let's see what's going on over there!
Camera catches glimpse of Mimi standing a few feet behind Sweeney, and a few feet behind her is Mark, camera rolling nonstop.
It looks as though Mark has not yet given up on making an extreme documentary to sell after he wins this. (His plan, not ours.) And, being the only person Mark is comfortable making contact with, Mimi is still filming subject. Oh, it looks as though Sweeney just won the argument with skillful tact and speaking delicacy.
Sweeney has evidently picked up Mrs. Lovett by the collar of her low-cut dress and thrown her headfirst into some thorny bushes.
There's just something about him that bends her to his will. Ooooh, what's he planning now?
Sweeney has taken off his jacket and he lays in on the ground of the forest, gesturing to Mimi.
"May I offer you a seat, oh beautiful one? It is nothing worthy of your class, and that knowledge pains me, but it is the best I can offer you in our current - ah, - predicament. Will you do me the honor of sitting down."
"Sure thing," says Mimi, and ungraciously flops down on his weirdly blue jacket. Mark quickly winds his camera up and focuses it back on the couple. Sweeney sits delicately close to Mimi.
"So, uh, Sweeney, how did you end up like this, anyway?"
"Like this? Like what? Of what do you speak?"
"Well, I mean, your hair is super cool and all, and it fits your whole 'I'm-an-emo-serial-killer' ideal, but you didn't used to be like this, right? You used to be married, you had a kid, and London had actual color before it was all leeched out with lighting techniques. I mean, I never even saw the whole movie, but you were seriously messed up."
"Alas, although many of those words made absolutely no sense to me, I will do my very best to explain. I was once married, yes. And she was beautiful. I was a very foolish barber, she was my reason and my life, and she was beautiful, and she was virtuous, and I was naive."
"You sound like Mark when he talks about Maureen."
Heard from background: "I do not sound like that!"
"But that makes sense. Go on."
"There was another man who saw that she was beautiful. A pious vulture of the law, who with a gesture of his claw, removed the barber from his plate-"
Le gasp. "He cheated at baseball! That bastard! No wonder you're so messed up."
"Mimi, it's a figure of speech," calls Mark.
"He removed the barber from his plate, then there was nothing but to wait, and she would fall, so soft, so young, so lost and oh so beautiful...but it was many years ago. I doubt if anyone would know..."
"I would know..." says Mrs. Lovett, emerging from the bushes with many leaves and twigs about her being. "This judge, you see, wanted her like mad. Every day, he'd send her a flower. But did she come down from her tower? Of course not. Sat up there and sobbed by the hour. Poor thing. But there was worse yet to come!"
DRAMA DRAMA! LET'S ALL HANG ON HER EVERY WORD LIKE WE DON'T ALREADY KNOW WHAT SHE'S ABOUT TO SAY!!!
"The beadle calls on her all polite, poor thing. The judge, he tells her is all contrite, he blames himself for her dreadful plight, she must come straight to his house tonight, poor thing. Of course when she goes there, poor thing, they're having this ball all in masks. There's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing, she wanders, tormented, and drinks, poor thing. The judge has repented, she thinks, poor thing. Oh, where is Judge Turpin? she asks."
Like, omfg, I SO wonder what is about to happen.
Mrs. Lovett draws herself up dramatically. "He was there all right! Only not so contrite! She wasn't no match for such craft, you see, and everyone thought it so droll. They figured she had to be daft, you see, so all of them stood there and laughed, you see, poor soul. Poor thing."
Mimi sits, looking expectant and confused.
"Great...so...um...what the hell was all of that supposed to mean?"
Mimi, use your head. The judge deported Sweeney and wanted to marry his wife. When she refused, he lured her to his house under false pretenses and raped her in front of loads of people.
Now Mimi gasps. "OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!
"Yes," says Mrs. Lovett morosely. "He did."
"So...that's why you're so messed up."
"Yes...but...I have...how do you modern people phrase it? Gotten over it."
"Really? I sure wouldn't have gotten over that if it were me. That must have been really, really awful."
Wow, Mimi is being a lot my sympathetic to Sweeney than she was to Roger when Roger told her about April.
"I have not...gotten over it...until very recently. Several hours ago, in fact, when I first saw your face. All thoughts of Lucy quickly vanished. And you," he says, turning to Mrs. Lovett. "Why are you still here? I threw you in some bushes, did I not?" Picking her up again, he marches off a few feet and hurls her over to where Mark is hidden behind some trees. Going back down to sit next to Mimi...
"As I was saying...I was distraught for several months, and even resorted to killing many people who came for me to get a shave. However, I did finally succeed in killing the man who caused my wife to attempt suicide."
"Alas, the arsenic had not killed her. I killed her myself, by mistake, and was so driven to madness that I shut Mrs. Lovett there in an oven and allowed her orphan brat to kill me with my own razor."
"Yes. But life goes on, wouldn't you say?"
"Yes. Life goes on, but I'm gone, cuz I die without you..." says Mimi before she can stop herself.
Ha! Isn't this fun? These musical characters seem to not even fully realize when they're reciting lines.
Sweeney's eyes are shining with a light of devotion.
"No!" said Mimi. "I didn't mean it! It's something I say about someone else. Well, um..." she falters, and Sweeney's face crumples.
"Someone else? Tell me, tell me, who is this someone else?" asks Sweeney, suddenly leaning toward Mimi with a strange expression on his face. Mimi stares into his eyes.
"No one..." she whispers, caught in his gaze. "No one at all...there's only you."
"Damn," whispers Mark. "There's no song that goes with this! It would make this scene so perfect."
"Mimi...I realize that we do not know each other very well, and that the only purpose for which we were both placed on this godforsaken island was so we would have the chance to murder on another, but I feel about you the way I have never felt about any woman in my life. Please, tell me how you feel about me."
No! Mimi! Don't say it!
"I love you."
OH SNAP SHE WENT THERE! Well, that was a failure. And it should be...any second...yes, here she is.
With a crackle of neon electricity, the hostess of the show (who is still nameless) appears, this time with combat boots and black lipstick, looking very rebellious and punk-rock.
"Mimi!" she explodes angrily. "I had more faith in you. I was sure you'd last longer than this! I even had a bet going that you'd be able to win because none of the guys here would want to kill you. Man. You made me lose $50. And I don't even have $50! What the hell!"
"You'd better be sorry! And I'm not even unhappy that I have to kick your ass off this show."
"You know what they say...they say that I have the best ass below 14th street..."
"Shut up! I usually feel sorry for whoever has to leave, but this time, missy, I'm going to take great pleasure in announcing the fact that YOU, MIMI MARQUEZ AND MARK COHEN, ARE HEREBY DISQUALIFIED for pairing up with a member of another team!"
"No!" shouts Mark as the portal appears and he is beginning to get sucked into it. "No! Mimi! You failed me! I was going to win! To winnnnnnnnnnnnnn..." He is sucked into the portal and vanishes.
"No!" shouts Mimi in turn, seizing Sweeney's hands and hanging on. "Goodbye, love! Goodbye love! Just came to say, goodbye, love. Goodbye!" And she is wrenched away and vanishes. The portal closes and the world returns to normal, minus two more beloved characters.
"Not again," groans Sweeney, and sinks to the ground in agony. Mrs. Lovett once again emerges noisily from the bushes.
"It's okay, Mista Tee. I'm still here. We'll be okay, and we may win this yet."
Sweeney's face darkens malevolently.
"I must get to the judge..."
"Oh dear lord..."
And it looks as though we are just about out of time, folks. Wow, that's two episodes in a row with eliminations instead of deaths. What will happen next time?
And also, to make up for the fact that most of this episode was focused on Mimi and Sweeney, we're going to give you a brief summary of what the other characters did:
Legolas and Gimli started playing Old Maid instead of Go Fish.
Ripred and Ares hid in the mountains, plotting deaths.
Carrion, Mischief, Snape, and Dobby all remained on the beach, fighting to the death via DS.
Midna and Link chased a butterfly through a meadow of flowers.
Alice and Emmett played a game of Tag, which is probably why the western half of the forest is gone.
So! We have six characters gone and 12 to go until the final two will be declared the winners. Tune in next week to see which characters will be next to leave! As always, this is the Voice, saying DO NOT GO INTO THE WOODS!
Thanks for reading! Review and let me know what you like and don't like. If you want someone bumped off, I could *ahem* arrange some stuff, make a few calls. And I'm very sorry it's late, for anyone who is keeping track. The next one will be up one time as usual. Thanks for reading!