A/N: Okay I'm a huge Lost fan and I've toyed with the idea of having the Doctor crash land on the Island (since everything else does) I've never done any Lost fanfiction before so I'm hoping this'll turn out okay. This story will be a parody too since I thought about exaggerating some of the things on the island and the way the islanders act for comedy purposes. So here goes…
"Right then, where to next, Miss Tyler?" the Doctor said to Rose as the ship spun through the vortex.
"Not sure? How about we go meet some more famous people."
"And…is there someone you have in mind?" he asked.
Suddenly, there was a violent lurch that knocked them both off their feet. Rose grunted as she landed hard on her side and the Doctor let out a grunt as his stomach slammed into the jump seat. He and Rose held onto the railing for dear life as the TARDIS spun out of control. Then with a boom, the TARDIS slammed down and all the lights went off.
"Rose, are you alright?"
"I…I think so," Rose moaned. "What happened? It was kinda like when we…"
"Fell through the void into the other universe," the Doctor finished.
His eyes widened in terror. Working instinctually, he pressed buttons and flicked switches in the dark while Rose held out her hands and walked towards the front door. The Doctor shielded his eyes when she threw open the door and continued working, trying to get the power to come back on.
"Come on, Girl, you can do this. Come back to me. I don't wanna give ten more years of my life away," he muttered as he ran around the console.
The Doctor paused and noticed Rose was standing outside. She peered in at him.
"Come here, you need to see this."
The Doctor walked down the ramp, out the door and froze. He looked around and noticed that they were on the outskirts of a large forest and behind the TARDIS was a large grass plain that stretched on for about a mile until it ran into another forest. Towering above it was a large mountain. There was a warm breeze blowing and the Doctor took a moment to enjoy it while he wondered where the hell they were at.
"Well, not London, that's for sure," he said to Rose.
Curiosity overwhelmed him and using the excuse of finding someone or finding parts that would help restore the TARDIS, he shut the door and he and Rose walked away across the wide plain. The Doctor put his hands in his pockets as he calmly strode across the plain while Rose struggled to keep up with him. The Doctor looked absolutely in control, manly beyond belief, as each step hit the ground with purpose. Meanwhile Rose was looking all over, hoping she didn't step into a rabbit hole and break her leg.
They got halfway across the field and the Doctor had now gotten himself into a rhythm. His steps hitting the ground, left, right, left, right. The wind blew both his tousled hair and his nose hairs gently in the breeze as he kept up his manly march towards whatever it was on the other side of the plain.
"Not now, Rose, I've got a rhythm goin'."
Just then the Doctor heard a low, loud growling.
"For Heaven's sake, Rose, control your stomach, you just had chips!" he said as he kept up his stride.
"That…wasn't…me," Rose said in a low voice.
The Doctor stopped short as he thought that over. Then he heard the low growl again and slowly turned around. His eyes nearly popped from his head when he saw a huge polar bear running towards them. It was twenty feet away and closing fast. Without meaning to, the Doctor gave out a high-pitched Mickey Smith scream and he spun around and ran with Rose towards the other side of the plain as fast as he could go. They both ran hell for leather as the massive bear bore down on them. They had almost reached the other side when Rose hazarded a glance back and noticed the polar bear was gone. She stopped the Doctor and both of them scanned the plain but the bear had vanished.
"Okay…that was…odd," the Doctor said. "Rose, when we visit your mum again. Don't mention we were chased by a polar bear on a warm sunny day. Anyway, back to my manly stride and looking for help."
He spun around and was off on his rhythm again as Rose hurried to keep up with him. They headed into the forest and the Doctor noticed a little path going through the woods which was nice since that meant he could still do his manly, I'm in charge and I'm studly walk of his without tripping on a limb and falling flat on his face. No, the last thing he wanted was for Rose to see him trip up and fall since he knew that he was setting an example for his young assistant who naturally looked up to him and had a great set of tits on top of that.
They walked on, the Doctor looking left and right, his eagle eyes studying every rock, leaf and Rose's bountiful breasts. The last examination he did without her knowing about it and when she finally did cotton on, he quickly swiveled his head back around and looked at a caterpillar climbing up a tree trunk.
"Oh look at the pretty caterpillar!" he said in an attempt to fool Rose into thinking he'd been staring at that all along and not her two enormous jugs which were bouncing up and down, up and down in her loose white tank top.
The Doctor considered that as they walked along. After all, it wasn't too long ago he'd been a happy little asexual alien, just flying through time and space minding his own business and then one morning, there they were, Rose's rack right in front of him, and suddenly his long dead ding dong rose to attention and took notice. After that, it was nothing but thoughts of Rose's T and A and somehow getting them both for the poor man. But…why did he suddenly feel the need to ride his companion like a pony around his console room? After all, he came from a logical race, sorta like Mister Spock…except with better ears…and eyebrows…and hair. Okay, he was dead sexy compared to Spock but that wasn't the point. The point was he wasn't supposed to lust after his buxom little assistant. Well…then again, there was Grace Holloway…but be fair, he was in America, land of hedonistic pleasures, and he just gave in for a short time to his long dead urges and tried to get in Grace's pants, is that so bad? Then there was Peri and her need to wear tight clothes and shorts that rode up so far he could see her pubic hair and for one brief maddening moment, he thought about tearing off his multicolored eyesore of an outfit and tearing off the handkerchiefs she called an outfit and boinking her on top of his central column while it went up and down, but he had a perfectly good explanation for that particular fit of madness. He was insane in his sixth life, that's why he wore clothes louder than a sonic boom with little cat badges that screamed out gay person everywhere he went. Then again…the Doctor seemed to recall one night getting up for a cup of tea just after he met Rose and suddenly a bespectacled man jumped out of the shadows of the TARDIS corridor armed with a ray gun.
"Who are you?" the Doctor demanded.
"I am Russell T. Davies and this is my show now! And you're going to ignore forty five years of canon and be hornier than a ten mile parade of brass bands. And to help you along, here's my Viagra ray!"
That's the last words he said as an asexual because Russell hit him with that ray and Wee Willie Winkie was never the same again. And now, walking along in this tropical paradise, Wee Winkie was screaming at him to wake up, rip Rose's clothes off and bang her senseless against the nearest palm tree.
No, I must resist, the Doctor thought to himself. I am a Time Lord and she's a human and even though we look the same and have the same parts and speak English and like chips, it must never be because there is a curse about me.
The Doctor frowned. When did that happen? He never thought of his life as a curse. Then again, he reasoned the bespectacled man with the Viagra gun put that in his thoughts in order to create angst and make millions of fans tear their hair out in frustration since they were also waiting for him to get naked and throw her up against a palm tree.
The Doctor was so consumed with these thoughts that he didn't realize there was a bald man in front of him pointing a gun at his face until he smacked into the muzzle of it. He backed up in shock and swiveled around to stare at Rose.
"Why didn't you tell me that was there?" he said, pointing to the bald, sweaty man with the gun.
"I thought you were gonna attack him," Rose said, shrugging.
"No, I wasn't. I was thinking!" he said. "And a lot of help you were, you're s'posed to warn me when I'm about to walk into guns and…"
He trailed off as his eyes landed on the soft mounds of flesh under her tank top. He watched transfixed as they moved up and down slightly with her breathing and Wee Winkie was screaming at him to make a move.
Then he felt the muzzle of the gun against the back of his head and he wanted nothing more than to rip it from Cue Ball's hands and beat him to death with it for interrupting his view of paradise.
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" Cue Ball said in a gruff voice.
The Doctor bit back the urge to scream, I'm the Doctor and I'm about to boink my companion against a palm tree. Instead, he calmly turned and instantly adopted the, I'm in charge, you're not so don't argue with me look he gave people who he wished to exert his boundless authority over. The man wasn't scared or impressed in the least. He just stood there with his gun aimed at them waiting for an answer.
"I'm the Doctor," he said, figuring that would instantly answer any question of Cue Ball's which would free up valuable time that he needed to be his natural I'm the lord and master here self.
"Doctor who?" the man said.
The Doctor's eyelid twitched. He hated that question with a passion and he had to restrain himself lest he go off on Cue Ball and beat his shiny Mister Clean head in with his own gun.
"Just the Doctor," he said, giving him the same answer he'd given forty trillion other dumb yokels who asked.
"Mm," the man grunted. "Name's Locke, John Locke."
The Doctor stared at him. John Locke, the philosopher? If this was him, he needed some Rogaine and a razor to the face pretty damn fast. Then again, what was John Locke, the philosopher, doing out in the middle of polar bear infested tropical paradise? And for that matter, what was the bleedin' polar bear doing out in the middle of polar bear infested tropical paradise? And for that matter, who was the fat lump coming up behind John Locke, scooping out handfuls of peanut butter that came out of a large can of Dharma Initiative brand peanut butter and cramming it into his gob like he was going to be dead in forty seconds and needed his last meal pronto? Fat Boy stopped directly beside the famed philosopher.
"Dude, who are these people?"
Aha, the Doctor thought. Obviously, a stoner having some peanut butter after smoking an enormous doobie. Now it all fits. I'm so brilliant. And handsome too…unlike Spock. Yup, Mister Spock is an ugly pointy-eared bastard compared to me. And…I can think circles around Mister Pointy Ears any day. Yup, I'm definitely God's gift to the universe and…
"Hey buddy, you haven't answered my question," John Locke, the philosopher, growled. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, I'm the Doctor, as I said…and my companion, Rose and I were traveling in my ship, minding our own business when we suddenly crash landed here. Then we were chased by a polar bear and it disappeared which makes me wonder if I didn't catch a whiff of Stoner Boy's joint there and my companion and I were off on some funky marijuana induced trip which would explain the polar bear but then again unlike fat and scraggly over there, I'm not hungry at the moment and I was under the impression, you smoke a joint and you suddenly want to eat everything in sight and…
"Wait, you have a ship?" John Locke, the famous and very bald philosopher said as he cut into the Doctor's rambling.
The Doctor's eyelid twitched.
"Excuse me, did you dare to interrupt me in the middle of one of my patented ramblings?" he said. "Because I didn't give you permission to speak and…"
He quickly shut the hell up when John Locke, the famed and evidently pissed off philosopher, fired his shotgun once in the air before leveling it at his head.
"Your ship. Take us to it!" he growled at the Doctor.
The Doctor sighed a world weary why must I deal with insane gun-toting philosophers kind of sigh and beckoned to him and the fat stoner dude. Then he and Rose turned around and walked back across the plain towards their TARDIS.