Ok so i no its been over a year since ive updated this story but alot has happened within that time that really affected me mentally. Im a little ashamed to say that for a while i lost the will to write. i havent quite gotten it back yet but i just wanted to test my hand at it before i completly lost the drive. Again i apologize for waiting so long and i really hope that this chapter meets some of your standards. ill let u get 2 it now! Enjoy(Hopefulli)

p.s. it mite be a little short..sorri

Chapter 18

"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel."

"Think of your family. Of Bella, your children. How will it affect them to know that you've just given up and won't even try anymore?" He continued. "What am I supposed to do?" I said angrily. "There not the ones that have to deal with this." I said. "Yes they do Edward. They love you. They will be absolutely devastated if they can't get you back." "I'm right here." I yelled. "Not all of you. Not the best part of you." He said calmly. For some reason this silenced me. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was to have Bella and showing me pictures of how in love we were but I just couldn't remember.

From the pictures we looked pretty happy and in love but I just felt nothing when we looked at each other. I knew this had to be hurting her. She spent the majority of her life loving me only to have it taken away from her in a matter of hours. It was painful to think of myself as her. It hurt to feel her heartbreak. If I couldn't do this for me, I had to at least try to do this for Sam and Lilly. And Bella.

"Ok fine. I'll tell you what I remember."

Dr. Morisson sat back in his chair and crossed his arms waiting for me to speak. I hesitated before taking a deep breath. "It's all in bits and pieces." I said. "That's ok. I just wanna hear what you remember." He said calmly. I couldn't figure out why it mattered to him so much. He's just my doctor. It shouldn't affect him at all. "I'm just trying to help." He said sensing my hesitation. I decided it couldn't hurt any more than it already was so I mustered up the strength to start talking.

"I remember I was sitting at a desk. I was anxious for something. Like I was expecting something big but I don't remember what it was." "Your family said you were expecting a promotion that day." Dr. Morisson interrupted. Something about the new information he gave me meant a lot. I couldn't explain it but it felt like he was helping me piece everything back together. "There was a woman next to me. She kept spinning in her chair. Like a little kid." I said smiling at the memory. "Her name was Hannah." He said.

"Hannah." I whispered under my breath feeling the familiarity of the name. Like I've said it a thousand times. Then I registered everything he said. "Was?" I asked. "Her body was recovered from the rubble." He said staring at me. Waiting for a reaction. "She's dead?" I said. Something inside me began to hurt a little. "I think I knew her." I whispered. "You did." He said. My head snapped up and I begged him with my eyes to keep going.

"She was your friend for over 3 years now. She knew her husband and 1 year old son." Dr. Morisson said letting me soak up this new information. I focused on the smiling face I remember spinning in the chair. "I think I remember her." I gasped as new memories played in my head. I saw her rubbing her big belly and telling me she was having a boy. I remembered saying hello to her for the first time.

"We can stop if you want to Edward." "No. We have to keep going." I panicked think he would stop. "Ok, ok. We can keep going. Take me back to what you remember about 9/11." He said putting me back on track.

"What came next?" He asked. I tried to calm my overactive brain so I could focus. "I remember hearing a big boom and then the building shook. I remember screams and then everything went dark. Like someone turned the lights out." By now I had forgotten that r. Morisson was listening to me. I was so caught up in the story myself. Like I was hearing it for the first time. As I spoke aloud new memories seemed to focus and just spill out of my mouth as though I had never even forgotten them.

"Then there was Jinny and someone else." "Who's Jinny?" He asked. "She got hurt. She broke her leg. I tried to help her." I said only faintly hearing him talking to me. It seemed like the memories were speaking louder than he was.

"Then I remember more bangs and lots of smoke. It was getting hotter and harder to breath up there. I think I called Bella." I said squinting my eyes in confusion and vaguely remembering our conversation. "You did. You called her." Dr. Morisson said sitting on the edge of his chair. I could hear the excitement that was in his voice now. He was no longer guiding me through this; he was standing beside me taking this journey with me.

"What then?" He asked excitedly. My heart sank as I replayed the memory in my head. "They're jumping." I whispered. The picture of the people falling past our window was so vivid it felt like I wasn't even in the hospital anymore but like I was back in that room watching it all happen over again.

My body and mind were both telling me it was time to stop but I couldn't. Not now. Not that I was getting some of it back. I couldn't stop. I had to keep going. "Edward I think we should stop now." Dr. Morisson said in a worried tone. I could hear the machines beeping a little faster than they should have been but I was scared that this would be my only chance to get it all back. I had to keep going.

More and more memories began to resurface and my head started to ache. I remembered the building collapsing around us. I remembered whispering good bye to my family and pleading the wind to take it to them. I felt Dr. Morisson grab me by the shoulders and yell at me to stop but I couldn't see him anymore.

I was back in the rubble. There was debris all around me. I began to panic as I realized I couldn't move. I tried yelling for help but no one yelled back. I was pinned and I felt like my whole body was broken. All I could see what the burning debris from what was left of the North Tower. My head felt like it was on fire and I'm pretty sure I'm bleeding. I try again to get free but I can't do it. I can't move an inch.

My breathing gets harder and my body gets weaker and before long I'm still as a board gasping for air. I don't wanna see what's in from of me so I close my eyes. Bad idea because now I can't open them. My heart feels like it's about to beat out of my chest a thousand times and I feel tears slip down my cheeks as I think about dying.

"Edward come back to me." Someone yelled from far away but I couldn't make out the voice. They dint sound like they were there with me. I tried again to open my eyes but my body wouldn't let me. Pain shot from my head to my toes every time I tried. So I quit trying.

"Damn it Edward. Don't do this." Someone yelled again. The voice sounded familiar but I couldn't make out who it was. There was no one else there with me. Who could be calling out to me? Their pleads sounded worried. I wanted to know who was trying to keep me alive but I still couldn't open my eyes. The darkness behind my eyelids was threatening. It was calling to me. Telling me to give up.

Then everything went quiet. There was no voice anymore. I couldn't even hear the sound of the debris falling around me or the fires crackling close by. Along with the sound the pain seemed to disappear with it. Reluctantly I began to open them and felt a strange calmness when I realized I could open them all the way. What I saw nearly made my heart explode.

"Mom? Dad?" I whispered. Right in front of me stood my parents. Edward and Elizabeth Mason. I felt the tears flow freely now as I realized I was dead. That's the only reason I could be sitting here talking to them right now. I felt my chest ache as I let go of a huge sob. My mother dropped to her knees and grabbed me by the face. All of a sudden the debris wasn't holding me down anymore.

I raised a hand to her face just to make sure she was really there. I had forgotten what she looked like. I cried even harder as I admitted that to myself. "Why are you crying Edward?" My mother asked. Her sweet as honey voice echoed around me and I never wanted to let it go again.

"I missed you guys." I admitted. She smiled at me and wiped a tear from my face. "We've missed you too son." My father said suddenly appearing next to my mom. "It's been too long." My mom said. "I'm sorry." My father said putting a hand on my arm. "For what?" I asked sitting up.

"For leaving you." He said. I saw a tear streak down his face and in that moment in time or space I didn't feel like a grown man who was about to die. I felt like a little boy whose parents had just died. I didn't want to let them go. Not again.

"That's not your fault." I cried into my mother's shoulder. "Still we are sorry." She cried back to me. I don't know how long we stayed like that. Just appreciating each other's presence. I hadn't been able to hear or feel my mom and dad in what felt like forever. Somehow I'd forgotten how much I missed them.

"You need to go back Edward." My mom pleaded looking me in the eye and cupping my face with her hands. "I don't wanna leave you." I cried. "We're never gone honey. We're with you all the time." "And we'll continue to be, but you can't stay here. You have to go back to your family." My father finished. "How? How can I go back to a family that I can't even remember?" I asked angrily.

"It doesn't matter that you can't remember anything Edward. They still can. Do you really want them to feel the way you felt when you lost us? Especially your kids." "You know I have kids?" I asked surprised. "Of course pumpkin. Like I said, we've been watching." She chuckled. My heart ached a little bit at the name she used to call me all the time when I was younger.

"Do you really wanna put your children through that son?" My father asked. "Of course not. But how do I go back there. I don't even know what there is. I don't even know what here is." I said to him. "Here is the only place you shouldn't be. The longer you stay the harder it will be to get back." He said to me. I could feel that he was right.

"Don't worry about us." My mom said reading my inner thoughts. "We've been with you this long, we don't intend to stop now." She finished. "I don't wanna go back without you." I admitted. "We'll always be there when you need us." My father said. "You're still our little boy." My mom laughed. "But right now Esme and Carlisle need their little boy back." She said releasing a tear and letting it fall down her cheek.

Something inside me twisted with guilt as I remembered them. How could I have forgotten them? My mother kissed me on the forehead and stood up. "Your family needs you Edward. Don't run away from them. Don't run away from Bella." She told me.

"I can't remember her." I said frustrated. "But she can remember you. Isn't she worth the try." My mother said. "You can't stay here son. We won't let you." My father said as he too kissed me on the forehead and stood up. His messy hair falling in his face reminded me so much of my own. My mother looked down on me with eyes that were my own and whispered "I love you pumpkin. I'm so proud of the man that you've become. It's not your time yet Edward. Go back to them."

"We will see each other again one day. And next time I won't make you go back. I promise." My father chuckled. "I don't wanna be without you." I confessed. "You're never without us pumpkin. We're every breath you take. Every wind that blows. Every sun that shines." She smiled.

"You used to say that every night before you tucked me in." I smiled. "Now it's your turn to say it to your children." My dad said as they both turned around and walked away. Suddenly I was pulled back to the ground and the pain came back. I was trapped again and my body felt like it was on fire.

"Edward can you hear me? It's Dr. Morisson. Edward open your eyes? Damn it Edward. Please don't die."

I'm trying.

Ok guys n gals..its finally here. lol..please review and tell me what you think..i really need opinion on if i should continue or not. Like i said..ive been through alot this past year and i have alot going on in my head but this story means alot 2 me and i dnt wanna abandon it. your thoughts are much appreciated and wanted. i hope this chapter has lived up to my other ones..as always..

Much Love and Thanx