So i know its been waaaayy too long since ive last updated but ive been going through alot these last few years and the motivation to write just wasnt there anymore. I recently suffered a very hard loss within the last few weeks and my only solace seems to be writing so i ended up getting this chapter done. i hope it fits all of your standards and that your not dissapointed.
"The strongest people aren't always the people who win, but the people who don't give up when they lose." Unknown
"Edward can you hear me? It's Dr. Morisson. Edward open your eyes? Damn it Edward. Please don't die."
It was like he was sleeping. He looked so peaceful. I was somewhat comforted by the fact that he didn't have to worry about anything anymore, not the towers, not the pain. Not me. A part of me was thankful as I looked down on him and I knew that he couldn't feel any pain. But the other part of me was shattered and broken. My husband was gone, and there was nothing that I could do about it. Not for my kids, my family, or for me. Unconsciously I moved my free hand down to rest on my stomach and began rubbing soothing circles. He would leave me with this one blessing. That would be the last thing of him I would have.
It pained me beyond words to know that he would never lay eyes on this baby. Our baby. He or she would never know the amazing person that was once their father. Tears welled in my eyes and threatened to spill over when I pictured him reading bedtime stories and falling asleep cuddled against all three of our children. I had to remind myself that, that wasn't going to happen. Not anytime soon anyway.
As I fought to gain control of myself I squeezed his hand even tighter before closing my eyes and resting my head in the crook of his neck, taking deep, steady breaths to calm myself. The warmth of his skin immediately made me feel better. It reminded me of when I would have a bad dream during the night and he'd wake up and pull me closer to him so that I was resting on his chest as he hummed a song to put me back to sleep. I focused on the rising and falling of his chest as the ventilator sounded in the background.
His heart was still beating but the man lying in the hospital bed wasn't my husband. It couldn't be. The Edward I knew was this strong, cocky beautiful man that was full of life. The man that was in the hospital bed looked lifeless and weak. He had lost weight and you could almost see his ribs now. The only movement to come from him was the constant rise and fall from the ventilator machine that was breathing for him. He had to be turned by the nurses every two hours to avoid bed sores. This couldn't be my husband. I refused to believe it.
It had been almost two weeks since Edward slipped into a coma. Dr. Morrisson said the strain he was putting on his brain to remember something caused a bleed in his brain. They had to open him back up but by then there was only so much they could do for him. They settled for leaving him in a coma, because the alternative was death. I had refrained from letting Sammy or Lilly into the room because the sight of their father was too much for even me to bear. Nobody was expecting this. He was fine, talking, moving on his own. No one could have seen this coming.
We all constantly blamed ourselves. If only we had been a little more patient with him and didn't push him as hard as we did. Maybe then he would be here today. I felt a tear trickle down my cheek but didn't bother to wipe it away. I felt like I had no energy left in me anymore to do anything, not even the smallest of tasks. I couldn't even remember the last time I had eaten a full meal. I had settled for the king sized snickers that I could get from the vending machines on the 3rd floor.
Esme and Carlisle suggested taking the children for a while and all I could do was agree with them. I didn't even have it in me to say goodbye to them. I just packed their bags and sent them off. I knew I would always feel guilty for that but I just couldn't find the life in me. It was like Edward took it with him when he left and I didn't know if I'd ever get it back. I didn't know how.
"Hey. How's he doing?" Rose asked as she walked in the room and sat next to me. I remembered the tears on my face but still neglected from wiping them away. Rose took one look at me and I could see my sadness in her eyes. "Bella." She whispered sadly. I couldn't stand the pain in her voice so I just looked away. She put her hand on my back in comfort and said "Bella you have to stay positive about this. The doctors said he could come back." "20 percent Rose. The doctors said there was a 20 percent chance that he would come back. I'm not getting my hopes up." I said angrily. Luck hadn't been kind to us at all this past month and I had a feeling he would be no kinder in the months to come.
"Well you need to suck it up Bella, because your kids need you. They've lost their father and now their mother acts like they don't even exist. Don't make them go through another loss Bella. You need to find whatever humanity is left inside of you and be there for them and take care of them, they need you more than your pain needs a home." She said returning every ounce of anger I had just given her ten times over. "You and Emmett are so much alike right now it's ridiculous. And not in a good way." She sighed as she sat back in her chair.
Her outburst caught me by surprise and even scared me a little which it shouldn't have. I mean this is Rose we're referring to. She never holds her tongue for anybody. Now that I thought about it I was surprised she had held it this long. She was always the one to say what was on her mind whenever it was on her mind. I sat back and sighed with her. I knew she was right. "I don't know what to do." I said simply. "Edward was always the one to deal with a crisis. It was never me. I don't know how to do this." I said as I felt fresh tears stinging at my eyes and then finally spilling over and falling down my cheeks onto my sweater.
"Well you need to figure it out Bella. You're a great mother to your kids and they need that right now. They're confused and hurting and they need you to not only tell them it's gonna be ok but show them that everything's alright as well." She said. "Your right Rose. I know your right but I can't find anything in me to fix this for them." "That's the problem Bella. Stop thinking you can fix this. You can't. Nothing you do will make a difference in this situation." She said pointing from me to Edward. "But everything you do for your kids will make a difference." She finished. I knew she was right. I had to at least try for them.
"Especially with a new baby coming. You can't bring a baby into this much pain and sadness Bella." Hearing Rose speak of the baby reminded me that I had promised Carlisle I would go to my first doctor's appointment today. I had scheduled it two weeks ago when Dr. Morrisson asked to speak to Edward alone. I thought that he would be there with me. The reality that I would be alone at this appointment hit me like a ton of bricks and I found that I couldn't stop crying.
"What is it Bella?" Rose asked as she rubbed soothing circles in my back. It took me a while to stop the tears and find my voice but I finally told her. "I have my first appointment today. This will be the only one that Edwards not there for." I explained. She looked at me like she understood. "If it makes you feel better I'll go with you." She suggested. It wasn't nearly enough to make me feel better but I didn't think I could face this alone so I agreed to let her come with me.
We sat in silence for what seemed like hours but were really only 20 minutes before Alice poked her head through the door. "Hey, Carlisle sent me to make sure you go to your appointment. He said it's in ten minutes." She said as she moved to stand behind me. I felt a tug at my heart and immediately tightened my grip on Edward's hand. "Don't worry I'll stay with him." Alice said noticing my sudden hesitance.
"But what about Jasper?" I asked. "He's fine. The doctors actually in with him right now so I have a few minutes to spare. Plus I miss my brother like crazy." She said flashing me a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "Come on Bella, you have to check on the baby." Rose said as she stood and held the door open for me. I finally found the will to move and kissed Edwards hand before finally standing and following Rose out of the room.
As soon as the door closed behind me everything inside of me was screaming at me to go back and reclaim my seat next to my husband but I had to put my baby first right now. Besides Alice looked like she needed some sibling time with her brother. I silently followed Rose up to the OB-GYN floor and quickly signed in before taking a seat in the farthest corner I could find.
I looked around the room and saw how happy the new mothers seemed and how excited the fathers were about their little bundles of joy. Tears welled up again as I longed for Edward to be here. "Are you crying?" Rose whispered. I sniffled and did my best to wipe away the tears before they fell fully intending on denying it but there was no point so instead I just nodded. "Seems like I do these days is cry. I cry when I wake up I cry when walking down the hallway I cry myself to sleep. I can't believe I haven't run out of tears by now."
"Bella crying isn't a bad thing. You deserve to cry as much as you want right now. Besides your pregnant. Chances are it's just the baby making you all teary eyed." She chuckled. I chuckled with her for once feeling a sense of relief. "Isabella Cullen." I heard the nurse say. I hadn't even noticed that the waiting room was partially empty now. I stood and grabbed ahold of Roses hand before taking a deep breath and letting the nurse lead me into the exam room.
She asked me a few basic questions before informing me that my regular doctor was on vacation for the next few weeks and that I would be seeing Dr. Avery today. Rose walked around the room examining and touching all the objects that were set out. "Gosh it's been awhile since I've been in one of these offices." She smiled. "You and Emmett gonna try for more?" I asked. Slowly the loving and content look that was on her face fell off. "I don't know. We barely talk anymore so we haven't really talked about the future. He just seems so withdrawn from everyone. Even the kids. He wouldn't even play baseball with Josh the other day. Did you know he quit his job?" She asked.
I had seen Emmett the other day and he hadn't mentioned anything about him not going back to the fire house so this surprised me. "No he didn't say anything to me." "He didn't tell anyone not even me at first. I didn't find out until afterwards." She sighed as she ran her hand through her gorgeous blond hair reminding me all too well of when Edward did the same thing. I guess that's a trait we all picked up from him.
"Hello my name is Dr. Avery and I'll be examining you today." He said as he walked over and shook my hand. He was a tall man that easily towered over me and Rose and looked to be in his early 40s. I answered all of his questions to the best of my ability before he finally told me to lie back so that he could do the ultrasound. He quickly entered my information in the system before bringing it next to the bed and taking a seat in the stool.
"Sorry but this is gonna be a little cold." He warned. I just nodded my head. I knew the routine already. I still winced when the cold jelly hit my exposed stomach though. I immediately glued my eyes to the screen trying to make out the little form of my baby. I knew it would be too early but I wanted to see if I could find him or her on the little screen.
The doctor played with the little joystick thingy moving it all around my stomach making it hard for me to keep up. I was beginning to get a little anxious when he finally stopped in one spot and turned the screen so I could see it better. "That right there is your baby." He said pointing out a little figure that seemed to be upside down. The little peanut looking shape immediately took my breath away. The doctor pushed another button and suddenly the room was filled with the most amazing sound that could ever have existed. My baby's heartbeat.
"You look to be around 9 weeks 3 days right now and I'm gonna guestimate a due date of around May 24th. Give or take a few days. You'll be able to get a more solid answer at your next checkup though." He said as he kept moving the joystick around my belly. "Oh my goodness Bella." Rose said. I hadn't noticed she had moved next to me and was now holding my hand. I did however notice the tears welling in her eyes. She looked more than excited.
"Everything looks to be fine. I do however have one concern. The baby looks to be a little on the small side. It could just be your eating habits so make sure you're getting enough nutrients in your boy on a daily basis. I'll let your doctor know to keep an eye out for your next visit but other than that everything looks ok." He said flashing me a bright smile.
"I'm gonna give you a minute to clean up while I write up a prescription for some prenatal vitamins and I'll have the nurse bring it in in a few minutes ok. It was nice to meet you Isabella." He said happily as he shook both mine and Roses hand before leaving the room. I began wiping the gel off my belly and gathering my things when Rose just couldn't contain her excitement anymore.
"He's so cute. Just the most precious thing that I've ever seen. Oh my gosh do you think it's gonna be a boy or a girl. Ahh I can't wait." She said practically jumping up and down reminding me of a very happy Alice. I laughed with her and for once the thoughts of my shattered family were not with me. All I could think of were thoughts of my unborn child.
The nurse finally came in interrupting our little celebration. She handed me the prescription for the pre natal vitamins and surprised me when I saw the little pictures of my baby. I stared at them in awe for what seemed like centuries when the nurse broke my concentration by handing me a cd disk. "This has the recording of your baby's heartbeat." She explained. I wasn't expecting that one. I was suddenly overrun with the need to put it in the CD player and listen to it over and over and over again.
The way back down to Edward's room was filled with little giggles and talk of babies. We wondered who would be next to add to their family. We talked about what our children would be like when they grew up and for those few minutes we were happy. Truly happy. Our laughs weren't forced and our smiles weren't fake. We were happy.
All too soon we arrived back at Edwards's room and that all too familiar sense of helplessness and sadness washed over me. I slowly opened the door and my heart immediately stopped. Alice was hunched over in the chair sobbing. The sobs that escaped her were painful to hear. My immediate reaction was to look around the room and see what had gone wrong. But Edward's machines were still beeping and the ventilator was still causing the rise and fall of his chest. I was sure that if the problem was Edward there would be an army of doctors and nurses flooding the room but all was quiet except for Alice's sobs.
I dropped to my knees next to her and began rubbing her back trying to at least offer what comfort I could. "Alice what's wrong?" I asked her trying to get her to slow her breathing down. She couldn't say anything, she just kept shaking her head. "Alice is it Jasper?" Rose asked with panic rising in her voice. Again she couldn't speak but instead just nodded her head. "What is it? Alice what's wrong with my brother?" Rose asked. She was in full blown panic mode.
It was another 5 minutes before we could get Alice to calm down enough to finally form words. When she did speak we all wished that she hadn't. The only words to fall from her lips were "His legs. Their taking his legs."
Ahhhh! a cliffly! i have already decided where i want this story to go and how its gonna end its just a matter of writing it down. I want to say thank you to all those who have stuck with me through the years and i will do my best to finish this story for you guys!
-Much Love and Thanks to you all-