The Mad Scientist's Mad Assistant

Ninnik Nishukan


Summary: "I've got a handful of vertebrae and a headful of mad." Not so much with the shippiness this time. More of a Shego-centric flash!fic. Season 2, mostly.

They're all mad.

Of course they are. It's practically in the job description— heck, it is in the job description.

Mad scientists.

There are several, of course, but this one appears to be the only one around with an official assistant. A sidekick, even.

And what does that make her? Mad? She really has no basis for comparison. She doesn't know how people in her position are, how they're supposed to turn out.

There's really no clear mould, no stereotype…except for maybe Igor, but if she's Igor, then Drakken's the Queen of Sheba.

Eh, she supposes she doesn't need any manuals on what to expect, and definitely no Evil Sidekicks Anonymous support group— she's always been independent. She'll be fine.

As she stands there on a hot summer afternoon, though, loading cases of fruity lickies into the back of an evil undercover ice cream van— and wearing an ice cream seller's uniform, let's not forget that; least of all the stupid hat— she realizes that she can shake her head and she can complain and everything— but she's still doing it, and why is she doing it?

There's bound to be less bizarre ways in which to have an adventurous life. There's bound to be less bizarre ways in which to get rich, in which to get power. Sorta more James Bond, less Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein. There has to be. And yet she's not out there doing those things.

It's at this point that she starts questioning her own sanity, if only a little bit.

Of course, she should've probably started doing that at least a year ago, maybe two.

'Insane' was coming back to work for an employer who'd wanted to clone you. 'Insane' was thinking that switching your employer's brain with somebody else's was just another day on the job. 'Insane' was riding around on a thirty-foot, pink mutant poodle. 'Insane' was— well, criminally insane is trying to melt, crush, electrocute, blow up and just in general kill a couple of teenagers every week, the failure to do so annoying you in the same way a flat tire during rush hour or a permanently stuck kitchen drawer would annoy a normal person.

So there are times when her life is more like adrenaline-fueled fury, lust for vengeance and power, lust for the pure joy of evil, when she can feel it coursing through them— Mad Scientist and Mad Assistant both— and she forgets the fact that she occasionally has to do things that makes her feel like she's part of some washed-out comedy duo desperately trying to make a living.

So she's criminally insane. So what? That brat has it coming. They both do. And the creepy pet. It's their own fault for sticking their pink little noses where they don't belong.

'Insane' is looking forward to it. No more pesky vigilante kids.

Feeling the triumph of the victory, hearing her employer's evil laughter ringing out— yeah, it'll be swell.

The thing is that she kinda, sorta likes this weird brand of madness she apparently possesses. It's only the fact that she always considered herself the sensible one in her family that makes her squirm a bit.

Now they were insane. Her brothers; all insane. The hyperactivity of the twins, Mego's all-encompassing ego and Hego's grating hero complex…all making up the four-headed monster of well-meaning, nagging, demanding, perky, whiny self-righteousness that sometimes still seems to follow her. Oh, yeah, and then there's their flabbergasting desire to continue living with their siblings even after reaching an adult age, and dress up in matching costumes and fight lame theme villains without getting paid for it, no less— can't forget that.

So yeah, she considered herself the stable, sensible one, despite her secret desire for crime…but now…well, fighting lame theme villains is nothing compared to the outlandish stuff she's done since she became a villain herself— things she keeps doing, things she likes to keep doing—

Of course, it is a small consolation that, next to Drakken, she still looks sensible and stable.

But then again…who's really the most insane? The insane person or the insane person who follows them?

And 'insane' is definitely— all as calmly as if you're tying your shoes— giving your nemesis an actual visual presentation, complete with a flipboard with hand-drawn illustrations and everything, of how you're planning to kill them, which happens to be a) trapping them in a box, b) welding it shut and lowering it down into a lake in which you've just set free a giant squid and a giant shark, before you c) freeze the lake over to make sure your nemesis doesn't escape. Not that Shego sees anything wrong with it, morally, but maybe—

"Dr. D…isn't this a bit too much?" She wonders out loud as they walk away.

He blinks at her. "How so? You know what an escape artist that girl is! She's slipped through our grasp more times than a greasy eel, and if this is what it takes to put a stop to her, then—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but it still seems a little, um…insane."

He's unfazed; his grin is huge, and quite self-satisfied. "Only the best kind of insane, Shego."

She holds back a chuckle. "Oh, so the best kind, huh?"

He nods firmly. "And isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony, anyway? I mean, all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky's the limit!"

She shakes her head, smirking.

In her life, most things beyond the 'get defeated by teenage foe' part are wildly unpredictable. Maybe that's what makes her so calm about the madness.

Because she's just completely allergic to 'boring'.

The End.


Author's notes: Probably written in about an hour or two, right after the idea came to me. :P I don't have time for much more these days.

The Mad Scientist's Mad Assistant: What Ron called Shego in Bueno Nacho, season 1. For some reason, it stuck with me and made me wonder. So I just wanted to explore a bit about what Shego's…well, about, and without the 'aww, she stays because she luffles Drakken' angle this time. I'm sure there are lots of other reasons, especially earlier in the show. :P For some reason, I'm a bit sick of writing romance, anyway. XD

"I've got a handful of vertebrae and a headful of mad.": Completely stolen from The Tick.

'Insane' was coming back to work for an employer who'd wanted to clone you.: Kimitation Nation, season 1.

'Insane' was thinking that switching your employer's brain with somebody else's was just another day on the job.: Mind Games, season 1.

Thirty-foot, pink mutant poodle: Rufus VS Commodore Puddles, season 2.

Ice cream van: The Golden Years, season 2.

Box/squid/shark/frozen lake: Hidden Talent, season 2.

"And isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean, all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky's the limit!": Also stolen from The Tick.