Disclaimer - I do not own D Gray Man, which you guys didn't already know.
A/N - this fic is a request from Allen Walker the Crowned Clown and is dedicated to her. Hope that you enjoy!
Chapter One - Doubt
As Allen Walker made his way down the corridor, away from the office where he had just endured a very memorable meeting with Master Cross, his thoughts were focused squarly on HIM. The Fourteenth Noah, the shadowy figure who had been haunting his dreams and making him think that he was losing his sanity. Master Cross had informed him, in no uncertain terms, the the man known as the Musician had implanted him with his memories so that he could return to this world and defeat the Millennium Earl.
That had been difficult to deal with, Allen wouldn't deny, but it had been nothing to learning that his beloved foster father Mana, the man who had raised him as his own son, was the Fourteenth's brother. Now Allen couldn't help but doubt everything that he had once held sacred. Mana's memory had always been a source of comfort to him. When things threatened to become too much for him to bear all he had to do was think of the man who had taken him in, think of the parting words that Mana had left him with, and he could find the strength to go on.
But now he doubted whether it was really him that Mana had cared about. Had his foster father been aware of the magic that his brother had performed? Had it been Allen or the Fourteenth that he was seeing when he had said 'I love you'? Allen didn't want these thoughts, would have been happier never knowing that he was likely to lose himself to the memories of the Fourteenth, but he did know and he would have to find a way to come to terms with these tomultuous feelings.
Making his way down the corridor, attempting as always to pretend that nothing was wrong, Allen soon came across the a sofa where he found Johnny and Lenalee sleeping. Allen was touched that his friends had been waiting for him; it was obvious that they had been concerned for him. With a smile Allen located a blanket and used it to gently cover them, making every attempt not to disturb their sleep.
Allen smiled at Lenalee's sleepy voice. The smile was brief but this time it was actually a genuine smile and not just his attempt to hide his pain from the world. Allen didn't understand the feeling but everytime he was near Lenalee he felt this strange feeling in his chest.
"Hey," Allen said, making every attempt to appear as though nothing was wrong. He didn't want to concern Lenalee with his problems, didn't want to tell her that he was currently reeling from a revelation that had shocked him to the core and caused him to fear for his sanity.
"I wonder," the words echoed in his mind although Allen did his best to block them. "How you would feel if I were to tell you that you will have to kill someone that you love when you become the Fourteenth?"
Allen felt his blood run cold as his mind summoned up an image of his closest friends; Lenalee, Lavi, Komui and even Kanda, lying in a large pool of blood. And standing over their still forms, and looking utterly demented, was he himself.
"No," Allen thought to himself, forcing the disturbing image to leave his mind. "I will not allow him to have control. I will protect them, no matter what."
"Allen," Lenalee said in a quiet voice, gazing up at Allen with concern in her violet eyes. "Is your face red?"
Allen absently placed a hand to the spot on his cheek where his master had struck him. He grinned at her foolishly, attempting to hide the pain that the conversation with Cross had caused him, "Yea. My Master hit me."
Lenalee looked as though she'd like to say something but Allen quickly held up his finger, placing it to his lips. "Shh. You'll wake up Johnny."
Lenalee looked as though she would still like to say something to Allen but the white haired boy offered her another shaky smile and then quickly made his way down the corridor. If he were to be completely honest with himself Allen was running away. He was running away from the news that he couldn't handle and the friend that he couldn't face.
"...if I were to tell you that you will have to kill someone that you love when you become the Fourteenth?"
Once again these words appeared unbidden in Allen's mind and the young man was forced to grip the wall in order to keep himself from collapsing in a heap. He found himself once again assaulted with unwanted visions of what could be. And this time there was only one lifeless and blood stained body lying on the ground at his feet.
"No!" Allen said with a fierceness that surprised him. He was determined that none of his friends would die because of him. Determined that he would not relinquish control of his body to the Fourteenth. Forcing himself to release his grip on the wall Allen stood up and made a move to continue on his way. His resolve was set... until he caught a flash of something out of the corner of his eye.
There, in the window, was the shadowy form with the perpetual smile.
"No," he snapped as he glared at the figure that only he could see. Fire snapped in his gray eyes as he met the vacant eyes of the shadowy figure. "I will not give up."
The shadow merely smiled.
Forcing his gaze away from the figure Allen continued his journey down the corridor. He needed to go somewhere quiet so that he could think about everything that had happened to him. Somewhere where none of the others would be able to find him. His friends were all recovering from their injuries, and for that he was grateful, but he had a lot on his mind and he needed some time alone to sort through his feelings.
He knew, without really knowing how it was that he knew, that his battle against the Fourteenth was going to be a difficult one. Already he was seeing more of the shadowy figure; it appeared to be constantly around, lurking over his shoulder. No one save for him could see it but it was enough that Allen was constantly aware of his presense. Constantly aware of the fact that he was seeking control.
"I don't care that you vowed to kill the Earl with your own hands," Allen growled in a voice that was meant for no one except the shadowy figure who was his constant companion. "I have my own promises to keep and I refuse to let you keep me from that. I won't let you turn me into a liar."
But what he was going to allow the Fourteenth to turn him into was a loner, Allen realized as he made his way to the very depths of headquarters. He was roaming halls that no one ever ventured to in an effort to avoid all of the people that he had came to regard as his family.
Even BaKanda, although he was like the annoying relative that everyone wanted to slap.
For them he would force himself into a life of isolation. He would still fight beside them, if in fact he was judged to not be a threat to the Black Order, but he would distance himself from them emotionally. He wouldn't allow himself any nearer to them than was necessary for combat and in doing so would hopefully keep anything from happening to them.
He briefly thought about the emotional toll that his decision would take on his friends but he knew that it was for the best in the long run. He couldn't handle it if any of them were hurt or... killed because of him. They were his family and he wanted their safety above all else.
If his own happiness and perhaps even his sanity had to be forfeit in order to ensure this then it was a small price to pay. Allen knew that he would always fondly remember the times that he had spent with all of them, on missions and at headquarters, but those days were over.
For their sakes he would have to continue his journey forward alone.
It would be difficult, since he would be alone in a crowd so to speak, but he was determined that things had to change. The Fourteenth's presense was a constant now and, despite his vow to maintain control, the realistic side of Allen wasn't sure how long he could maintain his fragile grip on control.
"This is for the best," he thought to himself, trying to ignore the single tear that was sliding down his face.
A/N - and once again this story is Allen/Lenalee and was a request from Allen Walker the Crowned Clown. Hope you all enjoyed chapter one, please leave a review and tell me what you thought.
Allen: There's another one?! Agh, they're multiplying! I know that Komui is somehow responsible for this.
The Musician: Get a grip.
Allen: Shut up! I'm ignoring you! You don't exist!
The Musician: 'Laughs evilly'