Well, lookie here. I've made it through the whole book. I'm quite pleased with myself for actually managing to make it this far. And I'm reasonably happy about how this whole thing turned out.
I must give a tremendous thank you to all my readers who have made it this far. As much as I love torturing Edward, it's you guys that make this really worth writing. /cliché. But seriously, you guys rock so hard. And an extra special thanks to everyone who took the time to review.
Now, here's the part that you might actually care about—the sequel. Yes, I am continuing on to too-cool-for-a-capital-n-ew moon. The two people who voted on my poll wanted a fresh new fanfic for the sequel, so that's what I'm doing. The prologue for this next fanfic will be out next week around the usual time, so keep your eyes out for it! And I have, in fact, expended the extra effort to come up with a snappy title, so look forward to that too. I personally am in love with it. I'd tell you it now, but I don't want to ruin the surprise.
Well, without further ado, I give you the final chapter of Insert Fail Symbolism Here. Do enjoy.
"What in god's name gave you the idea that having Alice do my makeup would be smart?" Sue asked as she attempted to scrub thickly layered lime-green eye shadow off of her cheek.
Edward shrugged. "Severe head trauma?" he suggested.
Sue gave him a glare, and then returned back to her work.
Liaf appeared in the doorway of the bathroom. "Are you two almost done yet?" he asked. "If you don't hurry it up, then you'll be late."
Sue looked at her reflection and sighed in dismay. "It's as good as it's going to get without the aid of a power sander."
"See! I told you she couldn't make you look any worse than you did already, Heroin!" Edward said, grabbing his crutches and limping down the stairs to where Liaf's carriage sat waiting. They passed by Carlisle and Esme, who had them wait so they could do that embarrassing mom-fawning-over-children thing and take a couple pictures. Esme, after all, was an avid scrapbooker. Luckily for him, since the children spent their entire lives repeating high school, he had lots of material to work with.
They finally managed to escape, and settled into the carriage. Edward was extra careful of his leg as they did so. The sharks had grudgingly parted with it and his pinkie, but considering how many times he had been dismembered, his body wasn't quite as quick to stick back together as it had been. Carlisle had told him to go easy on it, so the duct tape didn't break. It would be bad if his leg suddenly fell off in the middle a dance, for example.
Liaf climbed into the driver's seat of the coach, and away they went.
"So," Sue said, "where are we going?"
"Oh, I thought you knew already," Edward replied casually. "We're going to prom."
Sue's insuring screech nearly made Liaf run the carriage off the road.
After she had clamed down slightly and the cursing in the background had quieted, she said, "YOU'RE TAKING ME TO THE PROM?"
"Really? Is the capslock necessary? You nearly killed our readers with your hysteria before," Edward said.
Sue blinked at him. "You haven't broken the fourth wall for a while."
He shrugged. "Had to, for old time's sake. But my point is still valid. I mean, it's prom. It's not like I'm going to go take you to an abandoned warehouse and rape and murder you. There is really no reason for you to be acting like—WOAH!" He grabbed Sue before she could leap out of the carriage's now open door. She could have skinned her knee or something. A couple cars whizzed by as the carriage tottered along. Edward pulled the door closed.
"Seriously? Would you stop trying to kill yourself already? I swear, if your suicidal tendencies lead us to a crappy parody of Romeo and Juliet, I'll never forgive you," said Edward.
Sue crossed her arms and pouted. "But it's prom!"
"What's wrong with prom?" asked the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.
Sue screamed again. Liaf's obscenities this time managed to drown even her out. "Seriously Girlie?" He called back, "keep in mind you're the only one that can die if we get plastered."
"Do you always have to do that?" Sue asked the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.
"The appear out of thing air thing?" the Ghost of Tyler Crowley shrugged. "Kinda. It goes with the whole ghost thing, ya know?
"Right. Whatever." Sue covered her face with her palm. "What do you want?"
"We're going to prom together, aren't we?" Tyler blinked large, sad, ghostly eyes at her. "I came to pick you up."
Sue's face was still hidden by her hand. "Edward?" she said, "can't you do something about him?"
"Hmm," Edward stroked his chin. "Liaf? What do you do to get rid of ghosts?"
"Why would you want to get rid of me?" asked the Ghost of Tyler Crowley.
"How the **** should I know, pretty-boy?" Liaf yelled back. "It's not like he can really do anything, anyways. No one else can see him. Just put up with him."
"Joy," said Edward, as they pulled up to the school.
Sue helped Edward out of the car. They made a rather strange sight entering the school: Sue, Edward on his crutches, and the Ghost of Tyler Crowley floating along behind, making sad little comments like "hey, what are you two doing?" and "but you said you were going to go with me!"
They entered the gym, the location of the prom. Sue whispered to Edward, "You know, in Phoenix, prom was better in every conceivable way."
He whispered back, "why the **** were you at prom back in Phoenix? There's no way you actually had a date back then. No other guy would ever go out with you. Heck, I wouldn't be with you if you weren't so delicious."
"You're so romantic, hunny," Sue said.
"Hey look, it's the rest of my family!" Edward said.
They were at the center of the dance floor. The other dancers were giving them a wide berth, mainly because Jasper and Alice were dancing in a remarkable wild combination of several styles from the last century. Alice threw Jasper into the wall a couple of time. Being Jasper, he didn't seem any worse for the wear. Rosalie and Emmett, on the other hand, had managed to get with the times, and were fiercely grinding away. Sue didn't stare at them too long.
"Shweet, Heroin, that looks fun!" Edward gestured at Rosalie and Emmett. "Let's try it!"
Edward used his crutches to whack Sue in the right direction, and then spun himself to limp onto the dance floor. Unfortunately, he found his way forward to be barred by a set of wolfish abs.
"Vampire," said Jacob Black.
"Furry," said Edward.
"Jacob!" Sue said excitedly. "Wow, did you have a growth spurt? You're hot now! Also—not that I'm complaining—where's your shirt?"
Jacob flexed. "Please babe, it would be a crime if I wore a shirt. And yes, I did have a growth spurt. Werewolf puberty and all that."
Sue nodded enthusiastically, as if she knew what he was talking about. Edward glared. Jacob mouthed "jealous?" at him.
"Anyway," Jacob said, "I have a few things to say. First off, this is my show now. You can just take your pasty vampire butt and get the **** out of my town, got it, glitter pants?"
Edward blinked several times.
"Next, I'm taking your woman," Jacob put is arm around Sue. "And there's nothing you can do to stop me. And I swear, even you do take her away from me, I will rape your daughter. You can't win, Eddy. The fans are on my side."
One of Edwards's crutches slipped from his limp fingers and hit the floor. He didn't appear to notice.
"Anyways, I suppose I should just let you two mess things up on your own now. Have fun!" He waved and walked off. After a few steps, though, he stopped and cast a look back at them, "I'll be watching," he said threateningly. And then he swept out, the eyes of every woman present focused on him, including Sue and the chaperone.
Edward finally fell over, due to lack of support. Sue shook herself out of the stupor, and then leaned down to help Edward up.
Once Edward was upright once more, he said, "You were so right. Prom sucks."