The REAL Half-Blood Prince Script

The movie opens with Dumbledore and Harry standing somewhere, randomly bleeding in various places, at a photo-shoot.

Harry: I'm depressed.

Dumbledore: We're at a photo-shoot. Smile!

Harry: …No.

Dumbledore: Fine, we'll leave.

Harry: I'm going to go flirt in a subway diner thing.

Dumbledore: So I'm not going to the Dursley's house?

Harry: Nah, you're going to just turn up and find me in the diner.

Dumbledore: Kay.

Somewhere in England...probably London

Death Eaters randomly fly around in black smokiness, terrorizing citizens and stuff.

Terrified Citizen #1: AHH!

Terrified Citizen #2: AHH!

Death Eaters fly to a bridge with people walking

Death Eaters: Let's totally ruin this bridge.

Death Eaters slowly make it break, giving the citizens enough time to get off.

Death Eaters: Wow, we're so evil and powerful! We didn't kill anyone, but we killed the bridge! Yay!

It goes to Harry in an underground diner and staring out the window, looking at trains. He also happens to be reading the Prophet.

Waitress with afro: Um…

Harry: Yes?

Waitress: Are those pictures moving?

Harry: No! What're you talking about?

Waitress: They're moving.

Harry: It's just your imagination.

Waitress: Fine. (Reads newspaper headline) Who's Harry Potter?

Harry: He's…nobody.

Waitress: I get off work at eleven. Then you can tell me all about this Harry Potter. (Grins seductively and walks away)

Harry: Yay, I've got a date! …But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? Oh, it's just Dumbledore, staring at me creepily from across the tracks.

Harry leaves the diner and goes to Dumbledore.

Harry: (gangster-like) Sup, Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: …Don't do that.

Harry: I've got a hot date tonight.

Dumbledore: Too bad, you're coming with me.

Harry: * annoyed *

Dumbledore: Take my arm.

Harry: * looks wearily at arm * …Fine.

Harry and Dumbledore are sucked into a void.

Harry: WTF was that?!

Dumbledore: That was side-long apparition. Good thing you didn't throw up.

Harry: Where are we?

Dumbledore: That's not important. We're going to find someone.

Harry: Who?

Dumbledore: Some random old professor who you don't know but who's obsessed with you.

Harry: Oh. Okay. I don't know if I should take my wand out even though this house is really creepy looking and dark and stuff.

Dumbledore: Well, take it out.

Harry: Okay

Dumbledore: Oh, look there's blood on the ceiling. Let me taste it.


Dumbledore: Yum. Dragon blood.

Harry: How do you know what dragon blood tastes like?

Dumbledore: ....

Harry: I don't like the sight of this trashed living room and blood dripping from the ceiling onto my face.

Dumbly: Nor do I. Wait a second... (Violently stabs an innocent armchair with his wand) AHA!

Chair: Behold! I am Slughorn, your creepy, bigoted professor friend. And ow, you've nearly punctured my abdomen.

Dumbly: Oh hello there. Sorry 'bout that. Neeed some help cleaning up the destroyed furniture and such that you fabricated to dissuade me, your supposed friend, to visit you?

Slughorn: Yes, please.

They do.

Dumbly: Excuse me a minute, can I use your bathroom?

Slughorn: No, you can't.

Dumble-mann: Please?

The Slug: Oh, fine, go ahead.

Harry: *Awkwardness*

Slughorn: Um...hi.

Harry: Hi...

Slughorn: Your mother was a Muggleborn.

Harry: Jerk.

Sluggy: Wanna look at photos?

H-Pottz: Fine...

Slughorn: These people are famous.

Harry: Wow, I really don't care.

Slughorn: One day you'll be up here...

Bumblebee: Can I have this? I've always fancied knitting magazines.

Slughorn: Whatever...

Dumbledore: Are you sure you don't want to come teach at Hogwarts?
Slughorn: Yeah. You can't convince me, so ha! Death Eaters and Voldemort are out to get me, and I'm obviously not going to be safer at a school with the only guy who Voldemort's scared of.

Dumbledore: Well okay Harry let's go 'cause this guy's a lost cause.

Slughorn: *hurt expression*

Harry and Dumblydore walk outside .

Dumbledore: Well let's go Harry.

Slughorn: Wait! I'll do it but only for a cool room and more money.

Dumbledore: Okay whatever. Harry, he's gonna collect you. Let him.

Harry: Um, okay, whatever.

Dumbledore: That girl was pretty attractive, wasn't she?

Harry: Um, why are you talking about things like that to me? You're old and you don't find females attractive.

Dumbledore: I'm sorry I ruined your date.

Harry: Whatever, I'm so awesome looking and just awesome that I'll make an excuse and she'll totally go out with me even though I ditched her for some old guy.

Dumbledore: You can't. Cause you're coming with me.

Harry: Where?

Dumbledore: I'm not going to tell you. But take my arm.

Harry: *rolls eyes and sighs* Whatever.

The scene then jumps to the Burrow. Ginny comes downstairs and sees Harry's stuff in her kitchen. She runs back to the foot of the stairs.

Ginny: MUM!!

Molly: (up one flight of stairs) YES, dear?

Ginny: When did Harry get here?

Molly: Harry who?

Ginny: What do you mean, Harry who? What other Harry is there?

Molly-Wobbles: I think I'd notice if Harry Potter was in my house.

Ron: (up one more flight of stairs) Harry's here?

Molly: No, he's not. Ginny's just insane.

Hermione: (up one MORE flight of stairs) When did Harry get here?

Molly: He's NOT here!

Harry: Yes, I am.

Molly: HARRY!!

Harry: Mrs. Weasley!

Ginny: HARRY!!

Harry: Ginny!


Potatoes: RON!!

Harry: * rolls eyes *

Ginny: I have a boyfriend but I'm gonna act flirty with Harry anyway.

Harry: Well I'm gonna totally ignore Ginny and go talk to Ron and Hermione. *goes*

Hermione: Wow, I read that Dumbledore's dying.

Ron: No way! Seriously?! He's like only 150!

*all burst out laughing*

Harry: Now I'm not even going to mention that he said he'd give me private lessons 'cause it's apparently not important to the plot in this movie.

Randomly goes to the Snape scene that was SUPPOSED to be before all this. Bellatrix and Narcissa Malfoy are running down a dark alley.

Bellatrix: Cissy, come back!

Narcissa: No.

Bellatrix: We can't trust him.

Narcissa: Deal.

They go to Snape's door and knock. Wormtail answers it.

Wormtail: ...

Snape: I told you, I don't want your cookies! Oh, wait, it's you. Come in.

Wormtail: ...

Snape: Go away, Wormtail. I'm going to lock you behind this door.

Wormtail: ...

BellaTrixYogurt: GLARE

Narcissa: Help me, Snape!

Snapeadoodle: Ewww, you're old!

Narcissa: Shut up!

Snape: What's with your hair?

Narcissa: GLARE

Snivellus: I'm reading your mind, but you don't notice.

Bellatrix: I'm touching your stuff.

Snape: Stop it.

Bellatrix: GLARE

Snape: I can't help you.

Narcissa: Pleeeease?

Snape: Fine.

Bellatrix: Make the Unbreakable Vow.

Snape: No.

Bellatrix: Coward.

Snape: Take. Out. Your. Wand.

Bellatrix: * stunned *

Bellatrix seals the vow.

At Weasleys Wizard Wheezes

Harry: Wow this place is cool.

Ron: Yeah.

Lavender: Ron, I love you!

Ron: ..........Hey, look, Malfoy's leaving! Let's go follow him, 'cause it's totally our business! Look, he ditched his mom.

Harry: It's totally weird that a 16 year old wants to be able to go places on his own, right?

Ron & Hermione: Totally.

Harry: Hey, let's climb up on the roof to see what he's doing.

Ron & Hermione: That's a good idea. Look, He's going into Borgin and Burke's on Knockturn Alley, which is conveniently the only shop on this street ever mentioned.

Malfoy: I have a thing that needs to be fixed

Borgin: What kind of thing? And what's wrong with it?

Malfoy: Never mind that, it just needs to get fixed!

Borgin: Okay, bring it in and I'll fix it

Malfoy: I can't! Just tell me how to fix it without seeing it or even knowing what it is!

Borgin: Um, how do you expect me to do that?!

Fenrir Greyback: Menacing!!! And apparently working for Malfoy!!

Borgin: I mean, yeah! I'll get right on that!

Harry: O.M.G.

On the Hogwarts Express.

Harry: Malfoy's a Death Eater.

Ron: Shut up.

Hermione: You're wrong, even though you're always right.

Lavender: (Passing by) Ron, I love you!

Harry: I need some air.

He goes to the Slytherin train cabin, throws Peruvian Darkness Powder, and somehow manages to get onto the luggage rack in under five seconds.

Malfoy: WTF was that?!

Zabini: Dunno.

Harry: I'm uncomfortable, so I'm going to kick this suitcase.

Malfoy: I saw that!

They arrive at Hogwarts. Zabini and Pansy get off but Malfoy stays.

Malfoy: Petrificus Totalus!

Harry: *freezes*

Malfoy: HAHA! *stomps on Harry's nose* That was for my father. Enjoy your trip back to London, Potter.

Harry: Dammitdammitdammit...

Malfoy: Now I'm gonna shut all the blinds, because it totally doesn't look suspicious. *leaves*

Luna: *randomly goes on train* oh, with my spectrespecs I see wrackspurts even though they're only supposed to work on the Quibbler. Look, a large amount of wrackspurts. It must be a person. Now I'm going to revive this person with the wrong spell and it'll still work.

Harry: Cool, how'd you find me?

Luna: Wrackspurts.

Harry: Weirdo.

Walk toward castle.

Luna: Walking with you is like having a friend.

Harry: I am your friend. Even though I just called you a weirdo.

Luna: Oh. Okay.

Flitwick: I'm going to be all menacing now and search you even though I've known you for like 6 years.

Harry: But you've known me for 6 years. And I'm Harry Potter.

Flitwick: Too bad. But you can go in now.

Snape: Malfoy, you're off the hook. Harry and Luna, you're not.

Harry: Darn...

Luna: I can fix your broken nose for you?

Harry: Er, do you actually know how?

Luna: I'm doing it anyway. Hold still. (she does)

Harry: Uh, thanks. (They go in)

Hermione: Harry's all bloody again.

Ron: No surprise there.

Harry: Sup?

Ron: Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: Every day, every hour, even this very minute, Dark forces are attempting to penetrate these walls. I believe you should know why. The Ministry is lame, and you are our future. Only YOU can prevent forest fires-I mean, the reign of Voldemort.

Harry: That speech sounded much better in the trailer.

Ron: Yeah. Much more dramatic.

Dumbledoor: Our new potions master is Slughorn, and Snape is the DADA teacher. Off to bed, pip pip!

Potterman: Eh, I'm not even going to protest.

Mysteriously somehow the next day

Harry: I like pretending to be really tall and staring at people as they walk by the hallway.

Ron: Me too even though I still am really tall.

Harry: Oh look! It's Professor McGonagall! I'm gonna go see what she wants.

McGonagall: Take Potions this year.

Harry: But I got an E.

McGonagall: But now Slughorn's the teacher, and, conveniently he accepts Es so now you can obviously become an Auror.

Harry: Oh. Cool. Ron's signing up too then, even though I didn't ask him.

In Slughorn's room

Slughorn: Harry! My most favorite student ever! ...And some other guy.

Harry: I need a book.

Slughorn: Okay. I'll ramble about potions until you get one.

Harry: I'm gonna fight Ron now for that good looking book 'cause it's totally mature. ...Darn, I got the bad looking one.

Slughorn: These are potions. I will teach you about them. Actually Hermione will.

Hermione: *Talks about potions*

Slughorn: The most awesomest one is Felix Felicis. It makes you lucky. If you can make the Draught of Living Death perfectly, an insanely impossible potion, you can have it.

Malfoy: Sweet!

Harry: Look at this! This old ratty book has cheating instructions written in it from its previous owner! I've made a perfect potion!

Hermione: **GLARE**

Slughorn: Harry, you're amazing! Here's a bottle of Felix Felicis!

Harry: *grins arrogantly as everyone claps for him*

Slughorn: Harry, you're my new favorite student. And so is Hermione even though I'm not really acting like she is.

Malfoy: GLARE.....sulk....*emo*


Dementors: *smash into force field*

Audience: EPIC FAIL.

In Dumbledore's office.

Dumbledore: Come in, Harry.

Harry: I already did.

Dumbledore: Sup?

Harry: Nothing much...

Dumbledore: Are you and Hermione...y'know...?

Harry: NO! Why are you so obsessed with my love life?!

Dumbledore: Okay, let's look at a memory, shall we?

Harry: Okay. Look, everything's made of black smoke!

Harry enters into the memory.

Orphanage Lady: Tom doesn't get visitors.

Dumbledore: I wonder why...

Tom: (creepy childish monotone) I know why you're here.

Dumbledore: You're a perfect horror movie actor, just throwing that out there.

Tom: You're a doctor, aren't you?

Dumbledore: No. I'm...different.

Tom: Prove it.

Dumbledore sets Tom's wardrobe on fire.

Tom: WTF?! Why are you burning my wardrobe, you freakin' pyromaniac?!

Dumbledore: No stealing things.

Tom: I can make animals do things without training them. I can move things without touching them. I can make bad things happen to people I don't like. Bad things.

Dumbledore: ........I'm leaving now...

Tom: I can speak to snakes. Is that normal?

Dumbledore: Goodbye!

Harry goes back to the present.

Harry: Did you know then, sir?

Dumbledore: Did I know that I had just met the most evil wizard of all time? No.

In the Room of Requirement

Malfoy whisks cloth off of a cabinet and examines it

Malfoy: * emo *

Puts an apple in, waits a few moments, opens it to find it empty, closes it, waits a few moments, and takes out messed up apple

Malfoy: * emo *

At Quidditch tryouts

Harry: Um, so I'm the Quidditch Captain, and I'm going to be picking a whole new team even though they never do that in any other books or movies. And I'm really awkward too. Please be quiet and listen?

Cormac: *arrogance arrogance arrogance*

Ginny: SHUT UP cause I totally have the authority to say that.

Harry: Um okay. Now we're going to have this weird scene where it looks like everyone's trying out at once.

Almost everyone: Fail

Cormac: Yes! I spectacularly blocked four out of five! Only one to go!

Hermione: ehem, ehem, Confundus, ehem

Cormac: * Misses fifth ball * I feel as if I've been Confunded, but surely Hermione, the goody two shoes, strait A student is not cheating on Ron's behalf.

Ron: I've narrowly blocked every ball! Yes! I. Am. Amazing!

Cormac: GOSH DARNIT!!!

In the Gryffindor common room...

Ron: Did you see my fantastic, butt-kickin' Quiddich skills? It was, like, the most beautiful thing I've ever accomplished. There is no one better than Quiddich than me. Especially not that McLaggan oaf.

Harry and Hermione: ...

Harry: I love this old Potions book so much I spend hours reading the vandalism scrawled in the margins.

Hermione: I don't trust that book!

Harry: Why not? You're just jealous 'cause I can cheat off it. Look at all these cool illegal, unregistered spells!

Hermione: Harry! That's not a good thing!

Harry: I'm sure it's all perfectly harmless. Anyone who'd call himself the Half Blood Prince must be trustworthy.

Hermione: Fine. Let me see it then.

Harry: NO!

Hermione: Why not?

Harry: The binding is...uh...fragile...

Hermione: That's kind of a lame excuse.

Harry: Yeah I know.

Ginny: *rudely grabs book*

Harry: Hey! That was rude, but somehow now I feel strangely attracted to you.

Ginny: Who's the Half Blood Prince?

All: Huh?

Ginny: Property of the Half Blood Prince.

Harry: Well I don't know.

Harry and Ron walk away, and Ginny smiles at Hermione in triumph.

Walking to Hogsmeade...we think

Slughorn: Oh, hey, Filius, fancy some drinks?

Flitwick: choir practice...I hate you, Horace...

Harry: Hey, let's get some butterbeer.

At the Three Broomsticks

Harry: Let's sit here!

Malfoy: * emo *

Hermione: Um...okay. Three butterbeers please.

Harry: Professor Slughorn!

Slughorn: Harry! Wanna come to a dinner party?

Harry: Of course, I'd be honored.

Slughorn: And you, Miss Granger?

Hermione: Sure.

Slughorn: Eh...not you, Weatherby.

Ron: Grr.

Harry: *grins*

Ron: What the heck was that?

Harry: Well, Dumbledore told me to get to know him...

Ron: Ew, my sister's holding hands with Dean!

Hermione: Leave her alone, at least they're not...oh, now they're snogging.

Ron: I hate him.

Hermione: awkwardly Would you expect your sister to hate me if you were snogging me?

Ron: Um...

Walking back to Hogwarts.

Lianne: Katie, you don't know what it could be!

Katie: Too bad. Oh no, I touched the necklace! AHHHHHHHH!

Lianne: HELP!!

Katie: * spaz *

Harry: OMG. KATIE!!

Katie: * flies into the air, mouth opens impossibly wide *

Harry: Whoa, your mouth is huge!!

Hagrid: I'll save you, Katie!

Katie: * dead *

In McGonagall's office.

McGonagall: Why every time something happens, it is always you three?

Ron: I've been wondering that for six years.

Snape: This necklace is cursed.

Harry: It was Malfoy.

McNugget: Why do you think that?

Harry: I just know.

Snape: You. Just. Know. * evil leer *

McGonagall: Leave my office, people!

In boys dormitory

Ron: Dean Thomas is awesome.

Harry: You just called him a slick-handed git a few hours ago.

Ron: Shut up. Why does everyone love my sister?

Harry: She's hot.

Ron: ...

Harry: Erm, I mean, she has nice skin.

Ron: People date her for her skin?

Harry: Well, it could be a contributing factor...

Ron: ...Hermione has nice skin.

Harry: Good night.

Ron: Yeah, this is getting awkward. 'Night.

In the Great Hall

Ron: Wow, I look and feel awful.

Seamus: I'm betting money on Gryffindor, so do good Ron!

Ron: Uh, yeah.

Harry: Are you PUMPED?!

Ron: No.

Harry: Drink this.

Luna: Look at my insanely awesome hat everyone.

Harry: Let me put in something in Ron's drink while no one's looking.

Luna: What did you put in that Harry? Was it a tonic?

Hermione: Don't drink it!

Ron: drinks Yum.

Hermione: You could get expelled, Harry.

Harry: What are you talking about?

Ron: We've got a game to win!

Harry and Ron grasp hands and stand up, leaving the Great Hall.

At the Quidditch pitch

Ron: Wow, I'm miraculously blocking every single shot.

Ginny: Awesome, I'm scoring like, so much.

Harry: Yes, my team is winning. I'm so awesome.

Hermione: Whatever, Gryffindor's winning, I'll clap even though I'm annoyed at Harry for breaking the law.

In the Common Room

Everyone: Woot! Gryffindor won!

Hermione: You shouldn't have put it in.

Harry: Well, I didn't.

Hermione: Oh. Well then.

Lavender: I LOVE YOU RON!

Lavender and Ron kiss.

Harry: *grins*

Hermione: *sobs*

Harry: *oops maybe I shouldn't have grinned*

In a random classroom.

Hermione: *sob*

Harry: Nice birds.

Hermione: I know you love Ginny.

Harry: Um...

Ron: I love you Lavender...

Lavender: Oh...looks like this room is already taken, if y'know what I mean...

Ron: See ya!

Hermione: Oppugno!

Birds: * crash *

Ron: Wow, that really didn't do much, did it?

Hermione: *sob*

*Random montage*

Lavender: Let's snog in this staircase!

Ron: *snog*

Malfoy: * emo * STARE * emo *

In the library

Hermione: *angrily putting away books* Ron. Can. Date. Anyone. I. Really. Don't. Care.

Harry: Um...okay.

Hermione: But I'm annoyed because I don't have anyone to bring.

Harry: Why don't we go together then? Duh!

Hermione: Oh...well...yeah, thats a good idea. But I invited someone. It's a surprise.

Harry: Oh. Darn.

Hermione: We need to find you a date Harry! You can't just go with anyone.

Harry: Um...okay.

Hermione: That girl is Romilda Vane. She's going to give you a love potion.

Harry: Cool. *grins*

Hermione: But only because she thinks you're the Chosen One!

Harry: *arrogantly* I am the Chosen One.

Hermione: *whack*
Harry: Kidding! I'll invite someone cool.

Walking to Slughorn's party

Harry: Hi Luna.

Luna: I sleep in my shoes because I sleepwalk.

Harry: Um...okay... weirdo.

Malfoy: (in nearby crevice) * emo *

Harry: Wow, this is really a failed attempt at giving Malfoy's 2D character depth.

At Slughorn's party

Harry: I'm going to take a weird picture with Slughorn now, and totally ditch Luna.

Neville: Want a drink Harry?

Harry: No, but I'm going to touch your chest for no reason.

Hermione: *makes noise from behind curtain*

Harry: Um...

Hermione: I escaped from McLaggen!

Harry: That's not really my problem.

Hermione: I'm going to eat this awful smelling dragon things now. Here, take the tray.

Harry: Sure?

Cormac: Have you seen Hermione?


Cormac: *grabs food* What is this?

Harry: Uh...dragon balls.

Snape: *comes in*

Cormac: *puke*

Snape: *glare* detention for a month.

Harry: *leaves*

Snape: Come back, Potter.

Harry: I should go back to my date who's not really a date.

Snape: Too bad. Dumbledore's away.

Harry: Um...okay. Where?

Snape: *leaves*

Filch: Everyone! Look at naughty Malfoy! He's lurking, he said he's invited but he's NOT!!

Malfoy: Okay, okay, I lied. So sue me!

Slughorn: It's okay, he can stay.

Snape: I'm walking out. Malfoy, follow me.

Harry: I should use my invisibility cloak to spy on them, 'cause that worked so well the last time.

In the Hallway

Snape: *Pushes Malfoy against wall, holding him by the throat*

Malfoy: AGH! Child abuse! Get off me!!

Snape: You need help with your "task."

Malfoy: I don't need help, you loser! I'm doing great!

Snape: Then why can't you get it done, you idiot?! Your attempts were pathetic!

Malfoy: I don't need your help! *sticks out tongue like five year old*

Snape: I made an Unbreakable Vow to help you.

Harry: GASP!!

Later, Harry and Ron are on the train leaving for the winter holidays.

Harry: ...So that's what I heard of their conversation

Ron: Wow, sounds sketchy.

Harry: What happens when you break an Unbreakable Vow?

Ron: You can't.

Harry: Wow, really, I hadn't figured that out. So, what happens?

Ron: You die.

Lavender: *steams up compartment window with her breath from the outside*

Ron: ...

Lavender: *Draws heart in steam*

Ron: ...

Lavender: *Writes her and Ron's initials in the heart*

Ron: ...

Lavender: *Embellishes design, then leaves with puppy-dog expression*

Harry: I'm gonna pretend I didn't see that

Ron: Please do.

Later, Christmas at the Burrow

Harry: Snape is evil.

Lupin: Dumbledore trusts him and so do I! Stop it with your inane theories!!

Harry: Lupin, you seem a bit moody...

Mr. Weasley: Harry, I know what Malfoy's doing. He's mending a Vanishing Cabinet.

Harry: Wow, you just gave away one of the key mysteries to the story.

Mr. Weasley: I know, I'm awesome, aren't I?

Ginny: Dad, leave. I want some "alone" time with Harry.

Harry: Hi, Ginny.

Ginny: I'm going to shove this cupcake in your mouth.

Ron: I'm barging in!

Harry: *awkward*

Ginny: *awkward*

Ron: Cupcake?

Later in the stairwell

Ginny: Your shoelace is untied.

Harry: Um. What?

Ginny: I'll tie it. *bends down to tie it*

Harry: Okay, since I apparently can't tie my own shoelace.

Ginny: *stands up* Merry Christmas Harry.

Harry: Merry Christmas Ginny. Wow, this is really corny and lame.

Ginny: Yeah I know.


Harry: Um...what? This isn't in the book.

*All rush outside*

Everyone: Oh, hey, our house is on fire. Let's just stand here and watch it burn.


Harry: GRR! *runs into field of wheat*

Ginny: Let me leap through this fire after him!

Lupin: Wait! Wait while I stand here and do nothing, and somehow can't get through some fire!

Tonks: Sweetheart, what's wrong?

Lupin: Um...the burrow's on fire. And why is your hair brown?

Back to Harry and Gin Gin.

Harry: Where are you, Bellatrix?


Ginny: Ah, where'd Harry go?

Harry: Ginny!
Ginny: Harry!

Harry: Greyback! Ahh!

Lupin: I'm here!

Greyback: Grr!

Lupin: *fights incompetently*

Back to Burrow, somehow

Molly: *sad*

All: *sad* We're apparently not going to try to put this out.

Back at Hogwarts

Hermione: Harry you have to realize who you ARE!

Harry: Well duh I know who I am, I'm the Chosen One, duhr!

In Dumbledore's office

Dumble: Harry, I have another memory to show you. This one is way important

Harry: Into the pensive I go.

Voldemort: At this point in time, I'm a rather feminine teenager good at intimidating students and kissing up to teachers.

Slughorn: Tom, you are my favorite student. Everyone else, leave my office so I can have quality time with Tommy here.

Voldy: I have a magical question that only you can answer

Slug-o: Ask me. I know everything.

Dark Lord Tom: What are *inaudible word* ?

Slughorn: *Freakish black smoke* I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!!!!! NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!!

Harry: Pardon me, sir, but what the hell was that?

Dumbledore: Slughorn altered his own memory. Get him to give you the real one, a feat that even I am unable to do. If you don't, all hope is lost.

Harry: Er....

Dumbledore: No pressure, though.

At Slughorn's room

Harry: Professor, could I have a word?

Slughorn: Sure Harry! I love you!

Harry: Um...okay. *repeats same exact speech Tom gave*



Slughorn: Go away!

Harry: You're rude. *leaves*

Next day

Slughorn: (through peephole) Yes?

Harry: Hi.

Slughorn:'s only you Potter...goodbye.

Harry: Rudeness!

In boys dormitory...again

Ron: *looking love-struck at the moon*

Harry: Why were you eating my stuff?

Ron: 'Cause I love to eat, and they were just sitting there.

Harry: Well, okay.

Ron: I think I'm in love, Harry! *sits extremely close to Harry*

Harry: ...Um...yeah. Great. *moves away*

Ron: She doesn't know I exist.

Harry: Um, what? Who are you talking about?

Ron: Romilda Vane!

Harry: Nice joke, Ron. *goes to pick something up*

Ron: *throws box at Harry*

Harry: WTF?!

Ron: You said it was a joke!

Harry: Sigh...I'll introduce you to Romilda Vane.

Slughorn's room

Harry: He drank a love potion.

Slughorn: Why couldn't you mix an antidote yourself, you amazing potions dude?

Harry: 'Cause I'm lame.

Slughorn: Drink this.

Ron: *drinks* Ugh, I feel terrible.

Slughorn: Let's have some mead.

Ron: *dies*

Slughorn: I'm just gonna sit here and watch you die.

Harry: Bezoar!

In the hospital wing

Lavender: Won-Won!! I love you!! Hermione, what are you doing here?!

Hermione: I'm Ron's friend!

Lavender: He loves me more! Look! He senses my presence!

Ron: *mumbles in sleep* Her...mi..on...eeee....

Lavender: Didn't catch that.

Ron: Her...mion....eee....

Lavender: What?

Ron: HER....MIO...NEEE....

Lavender: Hermione? What? I'm hurt and confused! *Storms off*

Everyone: Oh thank God!!

Dumbledore: Ah, teenage love. It's like a soap opera.

A few days later at breakfast

Ron: Okay, so tell me again, how did I break up with Lavender?

Hermione: Uh, you talked in your sleep.

Ron: Sweet.

Hermione: Katie's back!

Harry: Yes! Katie, sup?


Harry: Jeez...

Katie: Although I do remember someone... *looks at Malfoy*

Malfoy: Oh, shit... *leaves*

Harry: After him!!

Malfoy: *takes off jacket* CRY CRY CRY *emo*

Harry: I know what you did. And stop stripping.

Malfoy: Go away, Potter, you're messing up my awesomeness!


Malfoy: * dead *

Harry: Oops, I'm just gonna stand here while Malfoy bleeds to death.

Snape: I'm here!! Harry, I'm going to give you time to run away.

Harry: 'Kay.

Moaning Myrtle: *never shows up*

In the common room

Harry: Darn. What do I do?

Hermione: Toldya so.

Harry: Shut up.

Ginny: Follow me.

Harry: Wait, what about Roonil Wazlib?

Ginny: Apparently, that's not funny enough for this hilarious movie, so come on.

Harry: Okay.

*walk to room of requirement*

Ginny: This room is full of hidden things.

Harry: Well duhr. I'm supposed to know that.

Ginny: Well, close your eyes.

Harry: Um...

Ginny: And I'm gonna take your book and hide it.

Harry: Yeah...okay.... *closes eyes*

Ginny: *lame kiss* *gone*

Harry: WTF was that?! I did all that flirting for THAT?

Later on

Ron: So did you and Ginny do it?

Harry: Um...what?

Ron: ...?

Harry: Ohh you meant put away the book! Yeah!

Ron: What else would I mean?

Harry: ...

In the common room

Harry: I'm gonna take Felix Felicis to go get the memory from Slughorn, cause nothing's working.

Hermione: The whole thing? But what about using the rest of it later on in the book for the epic battle?

Harry: Oh, there's no epic battle here.

Ron: Darn.

Harry: *drinks*

Hermione: So? How do you feel?

Harry: *grins* Really excellent!

Ron: You sound kinda drunk/high.

Hermione: So remember the plan. You go to Slughorn's--

Harry: I'm going to Hagrid's. It's the place to be tonight. I've gotta feeling (whoohooo) that's tonight's gonna be a good night.

Ron & Hermione: Um...

In the greenhouses

Slughorn: *illegally taking venomous tentacula leaves*

Harry: Those are really valuable.

Slughorn: Ahh! You scared me, Harry!

Harry: Sorry. I should've subtly coughed or cleared my throat, sir.

Slughorn: Um...yeah. How did you get out here anyway?

Harry: Oh, I just walked through the front door. I'm on my way to Hagrid's.

Slughorn: ...What?! You can't!

Harry: Then come with me!

Slughorn: HARRY!?!?!?

Harry: SIR!?!?!?!?

In Hagrid's backyard

Hagrid: *sob* Aragog my monster spider friend is dead! Oh, sadness!

Harry: We'll help you bury him.

Hagrid: People don't seem to like gargantuan spiders. It must be the eyes.

Harry: Or the pincers! *wiggles fingers around mouth in pincer-like motion* Critch, critch, critch!

Slughorn: I'll say a few words *Words* My, my, his venom is super valuable, right! Can I take some? For, uh, academic purposes?

Hagrid: If you must.

Slughorn: Why thank you! Now feels like a grand time to get drunk, let's go.

In Hagrid's hut

Hagrid: Drunkenness *asleep*

Slughorn: I once had a fish.

Harry: That's fascinating.

Slughorn: A student left a bowl on my desk once, with a few inches in clear water in it. A flower petal was floating in it. It sunk to the bottom and turned into a fish. It was beautiful. The petal was from a lily. Your mother.

Harry: Help my mother and give me the memory!

Slughorn: Well...

Harry: My mother's love left this scar. *lifts up bangs*

Slughorn: I think they forgot to digitally insert your scar...there's nothing there...

Harry: You're drunk, do as I say!

Slughorn: Okay. Here it is.

At Dumbledore's office....

Harry: Yo, Dumbly! I got the memory!

Dumbledore: Awesome. Go look at it.

Voldemort: At this point in time, I'm a rather feminine teenager good at intimidating students and kissing up to teachers.

Slughorn: Tom, you are my favorite student. Everyone else, leave my office so I can have quality time with Tommy here.

Voldy: I have a magical question that only you can answer

Slug-o: Ask me. I know everything.

Voldemort: What are horcruxes?

Slug: Ripped pieces of soul that make you immortal!

Voldy: That's so cool!- I mean, just out of academic curiosity, how do you do that?

Slug: You kill people.

Voldy: Oh, well, I already do that. Uh, I mean, not.

Harry and Dumbledore: O.o


Dumbledore: No! You think so? You are so dense sometimes. He has six. We killed two. Now we gotta get the rest.

An unspecified amount of time later, on a strange spiral staircase...

Snape: I don't want to do it anymore!

Dumbledore: You have to, Severus, you promised me.

Snape: This was not in my teaching contract! (Storms down the stairs)

Harry: I feel like I've just witnessed something important...

Snape: GLARE!


Dumbledore: Harry, m'boy, you need to shave.

Harry: Um, what, Professor?

Dumbledore: You heard me.

Harry: I don't know if my personal hygiene is something you need to be discussing...

Dumbledore: Something important is coming up. Will you obey me no matter what?

Harry: Er, yes, I guess so.

Dumbledore: You must follow my every order. Even if I say to "run" or "hide" or to "leave me and save yourself" or "go to Starbucks and get me a latte"

Harry: But...

Dumbledore: Promise you will.

Harry: Okay. I promise.

Dumbledore: Take my arm.

Harry: Fine, but only cause I promised to follow orders.

At some random cave

Harry: Where are we?

Dumbledore: A rock. In the sea.

Harry: Um, yeah, I figured that.

Dumbledore: Now we're mysteriously in some cave.

Harry: Weren't we supposed to swim here?

Dumbledore: Apparently not. Most seventy-something year old actors can't do breaststroke in rapid waters.

Harry: Darn.

Dumbledore: I need to spew blood all over this rock.

Harry: ...

Dumbledore: To get in, of course!

Harry: Oh, of course...

Dumbledore: *cut*


Dumbledore: Cutting myself, what does it look like?

Harry: No, Professor, I'll do it!

Dumbledore: It's okay, Harry. I like to cut myself. That seems to have done the trick! (Rock slides open)

By some eerie lake

Dumbledore: Hmm...I'm going to ponder this for a long time.

Harry: I'm not even going to realize there's Inferi in the water.

Dumbledore: Look, a boat! I just rose it from the water!

Harry: I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat, everybody look at me cause I'm sailin' on a boat! I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat, take a good hard look at the--

Dumbledore: Okay! That's enough!

Harry: Look at that glow in the distance! It's purty.

Dumbledore: Don't go into the light!

Harry: Uh, we kinda have to...that's why we're here...

Dumbledore: Don't touch the effing water!!

Harry: Geez, I wasn't going to until you nearly pushed me in.

Dumbledoor: I have to drink this poison, and you'll have to feed it to me through quick-cutting shots.

Harry: No, don't do it!

Dumbledoor: To good health! *cue irony*

Harry: Fine, whatever.


Harry: Sir?


Harry: I need to force feed you this poison with this purple shell.

Dumbledore: NO.

Harry: Here comes the plane!

Dumbledore: AARGHH!!

Harry: Last one.

Dumbledore: Great, I'm sane again. Get me some water.

Harry: Water. GASP! It won't let me fill this shell! And it's not like I can just conjure a flask and fill that with water. No, I'm gonna feed him deathly black water instead. Now let me just keep my hand in the water until the actor playing the inferi remembers he's supposed to grab me.

Inferi: ROAR!!!!

Harry: Finally! .......Oh. Crap.

Inferi: Yo, we're dead bodies of the Dark Lord, and you can't mess with us, foo'!

Harry: *drowns*

Dumbledore: I'm Gandalf!

Harry: Yay I'm not dead.

Dumbledore: I'm not afraid, because I'm with you, Harry.

Harry: Why do you have to make everything weird?

Back at Hogwarts...

Dumbledore: Good thing we're back.

Malfoy: (storms in) HAHAHA!!! I'm going to kill you Dumbledore!!!

Dumble: No. You won't.

Malfoy: Yes!

Dumbly: No

Malfoy: (Sobbing) But I have to! He'll kill me!

Death Eaters: *Leer*

Snape: Shhhhhh.... *nods at Harry*

Harry: Yay! He's going to stop them! OH SH--

Snape: God, Malfoy, can you hurry this up!

Dumbledore: Severus................ please...........

Snape: Whatever...AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!!

Dumbledore: Falls out window, dead, in (cue Mufasa) dramatic slow motion

Snape: Long. Live. The KING. Come on, Draco,we're going.

Harry: (From hiding under staircase) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Bellatrix: Whoooooooooooooooooo!!! I'm dancing on tables!

Malfoy: *emo*

Snape: Um...let's go run through a forest.

Bellatrix: INCENDIO!

Snape: Let's leave.

Harry: *running* Waaaaaaait! You forgot the epic battle!!

Snape: There IS no epic battle!

Harry: No! There MUST be!!!

Snape: I'm the Half-Blood Prince! MWAHAHAHAHA!!

Harry: Nooooooooooo!!

Snape: *leaves*

Hagrid: AHHH!! My house is on fire!!

Harry: *sob*

Hagrid: What's wrong?

Harry: Dumbledore's dead.

Hagrid: LIAR.

Harry: He IS!! Go look at that crowd forming around his body!

Crowd: SOB!!

Harry: Noooooooooooooooooo!! *strokes Dumbledore's chest* SOBSOBSOB!!

Ginny: It's okay Harry!

McGonagall: *raises wand*

Luna: *raises wand*

Everyone except Harry: *raises wand*

Harry: This *SOB* is *SOB* really lame. *CRY*

Ginny: So no epic fight scene?

Everyone: *glare*

Harry: SOB!

In Dumbledore's office

Harry: *looking at paintings*

McGonagall: He loved you.

Harry: What a creep.

McGonagall: You're a jerk.

Harry: I know.

At some random balcony

Harry: I'm not coming back to Hogwarts.

Ron: Whatever.

Hermione: We'll come with you to destroy the horcruxes.

Harry: Okay. Wow, it's really beautiful here.

Ron & Hermione: Yup.

Fawkes: *fly...die*


Harry: Wow...that was a really lame ending. BUT I GOTTA FEELING...WOOHOO...THAT TONIGHTS GONNA BE A GOOD GOOD NIGHT!