You left the office 27 days and 9 hours ago. They held you for 27 days and 3 hours. You were in that room for 26 days and 23 hours. All that time you were alone, away from everyone you know, or thought you knew. For us, you were gone for 22 days and 12 hours. For me… For me, you were gone a lifetime.
Right now you're still alone, somewhere, fighting for your life, fighting against the pain that consumes your whole body so deep within that no antidote is yet effective for it. The only difference is the fact that, since 5 hours and 23 minutes, we're able to watch you fight. One at a time, we stare blindly towards your face, the deepest frown possible plastered on it. None of us is capable of breaking away from that view, not while we're in the same room as you. When we change shifts, it takes strength and tears to tear away from that torn face, to leave you alone again. As we do finally leave the room and stop breathing in the same air as you do, we only wait. We wait so eagerly then to take our place again in that room, in that room you are in. For us, you give us the feeling we are helping you fight. Since 5 hours and 24 minutes already, we are at least able to pretend you're not alone. But not so deep under the surface of all of us, we know it's effortless, fruitless, in vain to stay there with you, to think you'll fight harder when we're there to fight with you. This, because you don't feel our presence. You don't know we're surrounding you, we're offering you to take away your pain. How we all wish you would just let us take away the last 28 days, 2 hours and 25 minutes of your life. How we'd love to have taken your place during that time. We're all well aware that we'd have died days ago when we'd have been in the same position you were in, but that's exactly the point. We offer you our lives, our energy, our health, our youth.. we offer you every little piece of ourselves so you could stop fighting, either one way or the other.
Two weeks. Fourteen days. In 336 hours, give or take, your deadline will be reached. All who only so remotely feel a bit responsible for your wellbeing, gave you a deadline of two weeks to return to us. More time would be negligible as well as unethical. Negligible, because after fourteen days, the chance of you waking up is even less than negligible. Unethical, because leaving you in the cruelest place of this planet while suffering from the worst pain possible is simple unethical. For fourteen days longer, you again have to obey someone else's orders since you simple don't have another choice. They won't and aren't allowed to let you go, but at the same time they can't make you better either. Again, it gives us a feeling we're helping you. In our experience, we're making all the decisions because we want you to get better. On the contrary, not so long ago, the people surrounding you only wanted to make you feel worse. Still, it doesn't matter a thing for you. No one knows what they planted into your mind, in what kind of dark place they left you in to rot. Your mind is a wanted but unreachable spot to get in right now. Only you are there, alone still, fighting to make a decision to which ending your own story will get. The only thing we can do is hope you will make your decision within fourteen days.
At this moment, I'm not sure for whom I'm writing down these words, for you or for myself. After hearing the schedule of your last two weeks in the state you are in right now, I have the faintest feeling I'm writing this down for myself. But I don't want to do it for myself, so I'll fool myself I am doing this for both of us till the moment I'm forced to make a decision, to choose between your last seconds or the rest of my life. Not that I'll ever forget the feeling I'm having right now, in this room. For fourteen days, I'll write down everything you need to endure, every little detail will be there. I only hope, at some point, I'm able to reread.
We always thought you were a loner and you were most comfortable on your own. So we left you alone to blow off some steam. We left you alone to cool down at that very faithful moment. How wrong we could have been. We never thought about the simple fact you craved for friendship and love, just as much as any other human being. We only assumed you wanted to be by yourself because you simple were always just by yourself. But you didn't start alone, you only ended up alone because of us. You started with your parents, who so tragically died while you were still so young. But then you met her, but who could have known she would only die even more tragic. A kid came along the way but he never planned on staying longer than necessary. And so you ended up alone, while loneliness was the last thing you wished for. And we assumed you wanted to be that way. You never corrected us though, and so you spent your days alone just like you did the last 28 days, 2 hours and 27 minutes. You simply never corrected us because you probably thought we would dislike you for being different than we thought you were.
And so at the moment, we left you alone to blow off some steam.