I don't even know why I'm writing this. But oh well. This first chapter is a list that I found on a profile. Next chapter, I'll start to show you exactly how these rules came to be…


- If death eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE!

- Remus Lupin does NOT want a flee collar

- I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his time of the month.

- I will not say 'dude, get a life' to Lord Voldemort

- I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape

- Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda

- I am not to refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.

- The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

- If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 10 minutes, I shall assume that I am not allowed to use it.

- It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.

- "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

- Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey."

- I am not allowed to paint the House Elves blue and call them smurfs

- The Whomping Willow is not a Entwife

- I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!

- So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like. Dead.

- Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret

- No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

- Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in May...June...or July...

- Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

- I am not allowed to sing 'we're off to see the wizard' on the way to the headmaster's office

- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.

- Especially not with kazoos.

- The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

- Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other house is forbidden.

- There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man". Even if I do conjure him up.

- Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.

- The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

- Especially in reference to Dolores Umbridge.

- I will not write "Wizard" on my hat in sequins.

- I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

- I am not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "mini me."

- Snape does not want bleach, laundry detergent, or new underwear for his birthday or Christmas.

- No combination of these is acceptable.

- Murmuring "I see dead people… " every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.

- Yelling "to infinity, and BEYOND!" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

- I am no longer allowed to sing my "own personal spy music" when I wander around the hallways.

- I should not remark that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" when Snape gets angry. Ever.

- If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell "MORPHIN' TIME!" every time I change.

- I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either.

- I must not shout "beam me up Scotty" before disapparating.

- I will not give Hagrid pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals


This is going to be fun…