Disclaimer; I don't own twilight.
Chapter 5: What More Can I Say?
It was crushing me, smothering me. It felt as if I couldn't breathe. I tried to move my hands, wiggle my fingers, but I came up with nothing. I couldn't open my eyelids, I couldn't move.
Scenes played before my closed eyelids. Memories of happier times. Times when my father was still alive, before he went to Iraq and died in a bombing. He used to play with me and Brittany, used to tell us bedtime stories. Charlie was a great man. Next came his funeral, Renee crying her eyes out, Brittany didn't talk for weeks. Newspapers announced his death everywhere; he was an honored man in our community. Everyone loved him, none more then his family though.
I was 7 when he died, Brittany was only 5, and it killed us. A part of us died with him. My mom tried her hardest to keep our family together after the accident though. She got Britt to talk again, to live again. She got me to stop bottling up my emotions, just because I didn't want her to cry more. She tried to move on, even if her tries were futile.
I remember how scared Brittany was to start middle school. She was afraid everyone would hate her, that she would be the freak without a father. After she made a few friends, she was okay again. Then came the night, I saw his eyes. I could never forget the lights in his eyes, the excitement present. He started walking towards me, I tried to scream, but it got stuck in my throat. When he reached me I jerked awake. My eyes flew open and I heard an insane beeping sound going a million times a minute.
"Bella, can you hear me?" I heard a faint voice say. My eyes were open but it was like I was falling back into the darkness.
"I need you to calm down, everything is going to be alright." The voice was closer, but the beeping was still frantic.
"Give her a sedative." Another voice said.
My mind screamed No!, but my body welcomed the darkness.
"How's she doing?" a voice said somewhere far away.
"She seems relatively calm now; her heart rate was through the roof before. She was probably having a nightmare or reliving something painful." Another, a different, voice responded.
"Did you talk to the boy, see what happened?" the voice asked worryingly. The voices seemed closer.
"Yeah, he said all he tried to do was talk to her, he says that when he touched her she, she flipped out." The voice sounded confused.
"What could have happened to this poor girl?"
"I don't know, Nicole, I think we will find out when she's ready. When will she be waking?" the voice said, even clearer then before.
"Any time now."
As if on cue, my eyes fluttered open. I saw a plain white ceiling, little dots scattered it. I tried to lift my head, but my head started throbbing.
"I wouldn't recommend moving much." A lady said walking towards me.
I closed my eyes in pain, wishing it away. My wrists itched, but my arms were too heavy to move.
"What happened?" I asked trying to distract myself.
"I was hoping you could clear that up for us." Rosalie said walking towards my bed and stopping next to me.
Suddenly it all came back to me; he had touched my arm, images popped up in my head. I closed my eyes trying to forget them, but they only came back harder.
The beeping started again, and I know realized it was my heart rate. I was in a type of medical ward.
I took a deep breathe, trying to steady myself.
"He touched me, and -" I cut off tears brimming my eyes.
"Who touched you?" Rosalie asked.
"Edward, he tried to stop me, tried to grab my wrist and I remembered things,-" I stopped again, seeing nothing but his face in front of me. I felt tears sting my eyes.
"What kinds of things Bella?" she asked concerned.
I shook my head, partly to try and shake of the images bombarding me, and partly to tell her I didn't want to speak about it. A tear fell from my eye.
"You are excused from you classes for today and tomorrow. I think your recent accident warrants more sessions, though. Instead of our two days before you will now meet with me everyday of the week besides Wednesday and weekends. Your group sessions will not increase seeing as those are the only days your group meets. "
I nodded, even though I didn't want more meetings. Couldn't they see how bad this place is for me?
"Bella, I'm betting more then anything you just want to be left alone right now," more like always "but I need to ask you some necessary questions just so we know for sure what happened. Okay?"
She looked over me, and I nodded reluctantly.
"Did Edward touch you inappropriately?" she said picking a clip board off from the chair next to my bed and sitting down.
I shook my head no.
"Did he hurt you in any way, shape, or form?" she asked I thought back to our conversation.
"Shy away from people. You spent the entire time in there watching everyone else interact, and yet when people want to be nice to you and interact with you, you shy away."
He was so true when he said that. He understood a part of me even if I didn't want him too.
I shook my head no.
"Did he try and force himself on you?"
I almost smiled at the irony. If she was talking in general I could have said yes. He did, but I don't think Edward would ever do that to someone.
Instead of answering I looked at the ceiling and said "all he did was grab my wrist. I promise he didn't hurt me; he didn't do anything wrong except touch a broken girl. Can I be alone now?"
I didn't hear her respond, but I think she nodded, because she stood up and walked towards the door.
"You won't be broken for long Bella? Someday all of your troubles will be fixed and you won't have to resort to cutting or scratching your wrists. Your life will be happy, and you will find love. That's my promise to you, and I will do anything to help you succeed. If you need anything Bella I'm here, whenever you need me. I wont judge you, I wont criticize you, and I certainly wont ever hurt you. You can trust me." she turned once again towards that door before saying clearly "that you can count on."
I heard the door shut. I couldn't trust her. I couldn't trust Alice. I couldn't trust my own fucking family. I couldn't trust anyone. All they would do was pity me or try and fix me. I was fine. I didn't need their help.
Much to my displeasure I was soon asleep again, living the life I once had…
I turned to my best friend Madison and said "I hope we make the team" my smile was bigger then it had been in years. Ever since my father died, my family hadn't been the same. We mourned for his loss, but eventually we had to move on. We could grieve forever.
"I know, lets just give it all we got." Her smile matching mine.
Today I and Madison were trying out for cheerleading. We had done gymnastics together for a few years, and we were pretty good at tumbling. We were both eager freshmen, trying to be someone.
The gym was full of girls, all stretching or gossiping.
"All right ladies, get in lines of four, we are going to memorize the moves, then a cheer." The couch said. Everyone moved off the bleachers and onto the mats.
6 hours later, all of the girls were sitting on the bleachers waiting for the couch to comeback with the first cuts. Out of the 97 girls that tried out, today they would be narrowed to sixty.
"If I call out you name, ill see you tomorrow." She said taking out a piece of paper.
We waited for our names; Madison's last name was Schholl, coming a little bit before mine.
When they couch announced Scholl, we both bounced in our seats and then quieted to listen for my name.
We both began jumping again, only to stop by some of the girls that didn't make it and were glaring at us freshmen. We turned around and rolled our eyes, laughing in silence. The couch dismissed us, letting us know practice started the next day.
We ran out of the gym all excited, running up to our mothers to tell them.
They congratulated us on our hard work. Brittany was next to my mom, looking slightly upset. She wanted to be on a cheerleading team, but at the moment my mom couldn't afford it.
"Don't worry Britt, one day you'll make the squad here, and you will be a great cheerleader." I said to her, getting down to her level.
She nodded, a half smile making its way through on her pouty face.
"I wanna be just like you, Sissy."
Her words echoed around in my brain. At that point and time, I was so happy she wanted to be just like me, like I was her role model. Then not even a year after that, that man broke into our house, into my room, and hurt me. Destroyed me.
I didn't want her to be just like me anymore.
I was sitting in Rosalie's office.
I was released from the infirmary this morning, and although I got out of classes I still had to meet with Rosalie.
So far the only words spoken where her saying 'hi'.
I had been in here for ten minutes staring at the wall, her staring at me.
Finally, she sighed and sat forward in her chair. "Bella, we don't have to start with anything big today, why don't you just tell me about your family?" she said.
I met her gaze, not even opening my mouth.
"It says here," she said pointing to my file, "that you have a sister. Tell me about her, please?"
I sighed, I had to talk sometime. "Her names Brittany, she's two years younger. She enjoys cheerleading, and being hyper. She is nothing but social, and obsessed with guys. Her friends mean everything to her, and she would die without her phone and computer. Anything else?" I couldn't help the snappy attitude I had. I didn't want to be here, anyone with an IQ of a two-year-old could see that.
She nodded. "I know you don't want to be here, I really do, but you have to get over that because you can't leave until in my opinion you are better, not just physically but mentally too."
I rolled my eyes.
"How long have you been cutting?" she said following my silence.
"What does it matter?" I asked.
"from the scar tissue the doctors think about 2 or so years, I think what happened started long before that." She said not even hearing me.
"Some of the wounds haven't healed, but most look very well taken care of."
"Well, I couldn't risk getting caught could I?" I said sarcastically.
"Though from what it says here in you school profile, it says that the nurse found your cuts, and reported them, the school gave your mom a recommendation to send you here. But what puzzles me, is that if you have been doing this for years, why you let her see the scars?" she stopped talking abruptly and looked at me.
"I wasn't thinking." I muttered, knowing she would make it something different.
"I think you wanted someone to help you, to reach out and help you." She said in a much gentler voice then what she was using before.
"Why would I want that? I hate it here. The food sucks, that classes suck, hell even the people suck. Most can't even see that touching a broken person can make them have a panic attack and blank out!" my rage was overcoming me. I don't care what she thinks.
"You think you're broken?" she asked, and I knew inside she was jumping with triumphant from getting me to share something.
"I know I'm broken," I said seriously, "I'll never be whole again."
"It's my job to try and help you piece yourself back together, and I will try my damn hardest to complete my job, for every single person in this facility." She said.
"Now, Bella why do you insist that you are a broken person?" she asked.
"I don't want to talk about this." I said. I could already see his eyes, flashing in the darkness with excitement.
Seeing my distress she said "that's all for today Bella, but I would like you to try and face whatever memories you are trying to suppress. Ask Alice to help if you want, I've heard you two are friends now."
For the first time in months, all I wanted to do was cry.
Authors note. I have a really busy past few weeks so, im sorry for not updating. And im sorry for little mistakes in the chapter but my head is like pounding and I really just want to go to bed, so im just going to finish this author note and take a nap. (:
Anything major about the mistakes you can tell me, feel free.
Please review, it would mean so much to me, im hoping for 55 by my next update, please don't disappoint. (:
Ohh and if I don't update til afterwards, Happy Halloween. (: (hopefully I will though)