updating regularly: I fail at it. Original story projects and such have officially taken over now, I'm spreading my wings a bit. But I am determined to finish this story if it kills me, so I just hope that people will still read despite me shamefully neglecting to write more of this.
now, it has been a while – a long while – since I wrote the last chapter so I may be a bit shaky getting back into this story again. Just bear with it, things will all smooth out soon.
Side note – I hate reading over all my old work, especially for these stories since they all cross reference. It just hurts my eyes to read over, I used to really suck. But then again, you have to suck first before you get better.
Anyway, enjoy the new chapters to come. They will hopefully have better writing and some more drama.
For those for whom the sex act has come to seem mechanical and merely the meeting and manipulation of body parts, there often remains a hunger which can be called metaphysical but which is not recognized as such, and which seeks satisfaction in physical danger, or sometimes in torture, suicide, or murder.
- Marshall McLuhan
Chapter 14: New toy
As time gradually passed, things indeed seemed to return to normal between Gin and Izuru. Although Gin's life never really would, or could go back to anything even slightly resembling 'normal', at least the relationship he had with Kira was slowly repairing itself and some of the hurt was starting to disappear. Even if the physical aches still existed from all of Aizen's ever continuing abuse.
And, as more and more time passed, Aizen's regular violations and sexual abuse of his body steadily began to show in the way Gin acted, and all of the marks on his body and the scars that seemed to take eternity to heal. They showed in the almost constant bruises on his neck and his wrists, and his aching legs that often struggled to support him. They showed in the ache in his limbs and in his difficulty in moving. They showed in the ever present dark circles underneath his half closed eyes from lack of sleep, and in his often bloodshot eyes from crying. And they also showed in the numerous self inflicted cuts along the lengths of his wrists that helped Gin to cope with the emotional traumas inflicted upon him. Despite doing everything that Aizen asked of him.
But those cuts and bruises were kept hidden from view, so on the outside everything appeared to be fine. And the smiling mask Gin wore to protect himself very quickly became permanently fixed to his face to keep the secrets he could never tell a single soul hidden from the world. And it did protect him, because this mask was made to be flawless.
And because it was flawless, everyone that encountered the permanently smiling man - Kira especially - became convinced it was real and not the façade it was meant to be. So all the while Kira remained blissfully unaware of what went on behind the scenes, and unknowing of the pain that was inflicted both mentally and physically on Gin's fragile body, thinking that he was serving under a happy taichou. But the fact still remained that no matter how realistic and believable the pretence that Gin was fine and all was well in his world was - it was still just pretence. It was just lies. Because although on the surface he was smiling, Gin still cried and suffered some unspeakable horrors in private.
These horrors occurred on a regular basis now, and Gin soon learned that fighting them was useless. The pain would be inflicted no matter what he said or did, so in the end he just gave in to it. He gave in to the pain; he gave in to the torture. He gave in and let his abuser make the bruises and get the pleasure from tearing his body apart repeatedly. He gave in to the rough, meaningless, unloving and often painful sex. He would just be overpowered and taken by force anyway if he struggled, so why bother? The result was the same whether he fought back or not. It would always be the same.
And it always was the same, and it did always hurt. Always. Aizen made sure that he hurt. Digging his fingers into his wrists when he held Gin down to make him bleed, making him cry out with each violent thrust into him, and even pulling him by the hair on his head just to inflict pain and gain his compliance. And then Gin would just be left there to pick himself up again. Often sleeping in that same position on the floor, not even being able to move because his body ached and bled so much. And today was not going to be any different from the others.
It was a warm morning, and although the sun was already up and Gin was awake, he could not physically move without pain coursing through him. So he just lay there. Fortunately, he was lying on a futon, and even though his joints screamed in agony every time he tried to move, he was grateful that he wasn't lying naked on the cold floor instead.
He groaned as he tried to lift himself up and onto his shaking legs, whimpering quietly with every step he took. Managing to dress himself without falling over as he was prone to doing after being abused. He thought about getting a shower, but decided against it. He would have to pass the mirror above the sink and he didn't particularly want to see his reflection. He left the room quietly and closed the door behind him, walking out into the morning air. Deciding to walk around on his own for a little while to try and get his legs used to walking before he strolled into the office, he took the scenic route through the streets. Nobody he knew would be there, and it was still very early in the morning for anyone to be up and about anyway, so he figured he was safe. He walked slowly at first, because his legs just wouldn't stop shaking, but eventually he became steadier on his feet. Although his body still ached at least he was able to walk without anyone noticing anything. It would be disastrous if somebody sent him for a medical examination after noticing he was limping, because then he would have to explain how he got the bruises and if he had to really come clean he didn't think he could ever outlive the shame. He would be ridiculed! He was supposed to be strong, not some pathetic shinigami that couldn't fight his own battles. And besides that, Aizen would have his head and do much worse things to him if he told anyone anything, so he had to remain silent.
As the pain slowly, ever so slowly, began to subside, Gin began the long walk towards the barracks, putting on his metaphorical mask along the way, trying to shove the thoughts of the night before to the very back of his mind, despite how hard that was to do when the memories were so fresh.
He was running a little late, so he decided to take a little bit of a short cut, crossing the path along by the sixth division barracks to save some time. As he approached, though the strangest sight met his eyes.
He caught a glimpse of Izuru, and Hinamori standing there talking.
"Oh, how odd…" he muttered to himself, thinking it strange. Izuru wasn't one to skip out on work, and usually arrived early, so why was he here?
"Hm, better go investigate." he said, forcing the smile to reappear on his pale face as he made his way casually over there, passing an angry yet silent captain Kuchiki along his way. Then quickly spotting Izuru and Hinamori and walking quietly up behind them.
"Oh my, that Kuchiki Taichou is scary." He said, very casually joining into their conversation, and making Kira nearly jump out of his skin. "Wha's goin' on 'ere? Did somethin' happen?"
"Oh, Taichou…" Kira answered, trying to catch his breath. "Renji got attacked, but Kuchiki Taichou won't let us get him help."
"Yeah," Hinamori added in, looking down sadly at her wounded friend. "And he's in pretty bad shape too."
Gin looked at Renji, noticing his wounds were quite severe. And very quickly he realised that he actually had the power to override Kuchiki's orders, so he offered to help them.
"Oh, then we better go get 'im some help." Gin smiled, the mask doing it's job perfectly. "Come along Izuru, let's go get a message over to the fourth company."
Izuru followed him obediently, leaving Hinamori to thank Gin and watch over Renji's injured body as they walked away.
Gin walked with Izuru in silence. The memories from the previous night still replaying themselves over and over in his head and forcing their way back into his focus. And no matter how much Gin tried, he couldn't shake the feeling of being trapped, of hands holding him down. The feeling of being violated and toyed with against his will. He couldn't breathe, he started to shake. All he could hear was that cold voice in his ear as he was lying on his stomach pinned down and being fucked.
"Why can't you just do as I say, Gin?"
His heart thumped, his breaths grew shorter. Again he was back there in that room, desperate for an escape that would never exist for him.
And he thought about the reason why: Izuru. He was the reason for all this. This all started to escalate when little Kira came into the picture. This was his fault that Gin was being toyed with in this fashion. So Gin thought that he may as well get his own toy, use Kira instead – after all, what did he have to lose? It was all Kira's fault anyway. Why should he be the only one being used?
Still they walked on, Gin leading the way blindly, as if by subconscious navigation. Anger slowly creping in to replace his fear; the anger that everything was taken from him, at how he was hurt and made to feel unloved and unwanted. He wanted to hurt, he wanted to scream and shout and inflict pain.
And Gin had been ordered to make Kira loyal to him anyway, why not through those very same methods used on him? He had nothing to lose any more, so why not? Why not toy with his little Izuru?
As they walked blindly through the streets and pathways, Kira looked around sheepishly, although Gin didn't notice it.
"Ta…Taichou? Where are we going?" he asked, his voice shaking. Suddenly quite aware of just how much Gin as shaking, and how secluded a place they were in.
Gin said nothing. Which only further unnerved Izuru.
Gin still said nothing. He just lunged for him, consumed with anger, hate, and amusement at the thoughts of hurting Izuru in the same way. Slamming Kira hard against the brick wall beside them and holding him there by the throat.
"So, little Izuru…" Gin drawled, with a wicked grin on his face again. "Just how badly do ya want me to help ya out?"
He watched Kira try to struggle, whimpering and trembling. Oh the poor thing, so scared of him…
"What's wrong? You do want me to help Renji out don't you?"
He watched and listened to Kira whimper again, feeling him tremble violently. And Gin watched him with much enjoyment as he squeezed his neck, causing his fukutaichou more pain.
"Well, do you? Answer me Izuru-kun, I aint got all day."
Kira coughed, managing to choke out a reply. "Yes."
"Then you'll have to give me what I want first… just don't scream."
His smile widened just a little as he tightened his grip around Kira's throat, letting his other hand snake down into Kira's clothes and onto his bare skin. Letting his fingertips linger there for just a moment before scratching him, drawing out blood. Making Kira scream, Gin really dug in quite hard into such a vulnerable place.
"I told you not to scream." Gin said, thoroughly enjoying this. Kira was in the palm of his hand. It looked like his loyalty really would be his downfall...
"So," Gin continued, still firmly holding Kira in place, "I'll help Renji out fer ya, if… you obey my orders; whatever they may be…"
Gin carried on, the cracks beginning to show in his metaphorical mask as he added the rest with pleasure, in a low, very hushed voice, only audible to Izuru's ears.
"And in exchange, if I help you…" he added, in nothing more than a low whisper, "you have to give me everything. You have to give me all of you."
Gin dug in his nails harder, not even letting Kira think. Gin was going to get what he wanted, one way or another. Smirking viciously when he got the answer he wanted.
"Please Taichou, you have to help Renji. I… I'll do whatever you say, please..."
"Then… do you swear yourself to me?"
He watched Kira swallow hard, feeling his hot blood steadily trickling down the length of his pale fingers as he dug in harder, shoving him down onto the floor and pinning him on his back, completely overpowering him. Not that Kira could really move anyway, he was too scared to even speak.
But still, Gin waited for his answer, looking down on Kira like the pathetic creature he was, straddling him and holding him down with his weight.
"Well, do you? Answer me Kira…"
Gin dug his fingers further into Kira's wound, eliciting another scream from him. He was beginning to lose his patience now.
"I don't have all fucking day here Kira~"
Kira screamed again, unable to take much more, feeling Gins fingers probing into his wounds, really taking in the look of pure fear in Kira's ocean coloured eyes as he stared down into them. Listening to him scream.
"Ahhh! Gods, Yes! Yes I swear! Just please stop!"
Gin's smile widened again. "Good." He said sternly, releasing his hold and getting up, leaving Kira there on the floor, panting and whimpering. He dusted himself off and turned back to look at his handiwork.
"Go see Unohana Taichou about Renji." He said, his voice becoming cold and unfeeling as he dusted himself off. "Tell them I sent you."
And with that, Gin walked away, taking one last look at him before he went, leaving Kira there, alone and afraid.
He was quite satisfied - for now. And so he began on the long walk back, heading towards the barracks of the fifth division, because even subconsciously he knew that Aizen wanted to see him again.