Fanservice II: Back to School Special
***
A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfiction
By Andrew Carey
***
Characters and situations of Neon Genesis Evangelion are
property of their creators and publishers. I am merely
borrowing them for this work of non-profit fanfiction. The
same goes for elements and/or characters from Ranma «,
Tenchi Muyo, Five Star Stories, Gundam Wing, and S.M.
Stirling's Draka novels
***
The fishing bit (you'll see) is borrowed from a very funny
French movie which I saw back in the spring of '96 on late
night RTE. Unfortunately I've forgot the title completely.
If you think you might know it, would you please be so kind
as to tell me? Bien merci! (Ouais, je connais que ce n'est
pas du bon Francais. Mais c'est de la belle Cadien!)
***
This is a sequel to "Fanservice," taking place approximately
a year later, and will probably make _slightly_ more sense if
you're familiar with the previous story. It may be found on
my website at
http://www.geocities.com/ap_aelfwine/Fanservice.txt
***
Thanks kindly to Adrian Tymes for the notion of the Rei
clones and their relationship:-)
***
Lime warning.
Poly warning.
WAFF warning.
Silly warning.
Probably-a-spoiler-somewhere warning.
***************

"All right, Shin-chan. Let's take her out."

The Evangelion unit stepped onto the open plain
outside the NERV pyramid. "It's working!" Shinji said.

"Sure is. I knew it would settle down eventually.
Bring her to a stop-- very good! Okay, horse stance!
And... um... whadayacallit... gong... bu?"

The Evangelion flowed through the stances.
"Beautiful! See, Ritsuko, it does work without Mother
being absorbed inside, after all."

"Mother?"

Misato blushed. "Doctor Ikari Yui, I-- "

"Misato-chan! I told you not to be so formal!"
boomed a voice from the control room speakers.

"Sorry, Mother."

"How does she do that?" Ritsuko asked, uncovering
her ears.

"I don't want to know."

Asuka's picture appeared on the lower right-hand
corner of the screen. "Is something wrong in there?"

"Nothing, sweetheart. Just a little message from
Mother."

A fearful expression briefly crossed the redhead's
features, hastily replaced by a broad smile. "Oh. That's...
really, really nice."

"Naturally."

"Of course."

"You lovebirds can chat later. We've got tests to
make," Ritsuko said.

"Right. Okay, Shin-chan, let's throw a punch."

The Evangelion's arm rose. Smoothly, it thrust out
a fist, its elbow straightening... and twisted its fingers into a
complicated pattern which, when joined by the other hand a
moment later, cast a cowlike shadow.

"I'm not doing that!" Shinji cried.

"I know, darling. Oh well, that's farther than we've
gotten in months. Can you control the legs?"

"I think so."

"Good. Let's take her home."

The Eva walked a few steps before halting. "I can't
make it do anything!"

"Damn! It just wanted better light. It's not your
fault, Shin-chan." The great war machine attempted a pig.
It fumbled a number of times before giving up and switching
to a dog.

"Ummm... Mi-chan? What should I do?"

"Just sit tight. We'll launch Asuka-chan and Rei to
rescue you."

"Okay." His voice wavered slightly.

"Don't worry, sweetling. If it tries to hurt you, I'll
take it apart with my bare hands. And I'll call in Mother to
help out. I'm sure she could use the parts in one of her
projects, like maybe a biomechanical toaster-oven or
something. You hear me, Unit 01?"

The Evangelion winced, then nodded hastily. It
tried the pig again, making crude oinking noises.

"Are you two ready?"

Asuka brandished her fist. "Never fear, my darling!
Souryuu Asuka Langley is here to save the day!"

Rei's lips skinned back from her teeth in an
humourless grin. "I will protect my brother."

"Launch!"

"Don't get carried away," Ritsuko muttered.

"That's my boyfriend in there. And one of my
girlfriends, too," Misato said.

"I just don't want them to blow anything up."

"What would you do if it were Maya?"

"I'd rip it to shreds with my teeth! And I'd jump on
the pieces! And then... then... then I'd subject them to full
scientific analysis, of course."

Above, the Eva approached the ejected plug. Shinji
opened the hatch and pulled himself out, LCL dripping from
his nose, his chin, and his fifteen-centimeter braid.

"All right, sweetheart. Just a few more steps, and
you'll be safe in here with me."

"He is my brother. And I'm one-point-nine-seven
meters closer. I will rescue him."

"He's my boyfriend."

"He's my brother."

"He's my girlfriend."

"He's my _brother_."

"Boy-slash-girlfriend-slash-fiance."

"Brother. DNA of my DNA."

"Asuka-chan! Little Sister! Stop arguing and get
him off the ground before that stupid lump of protoplasm
steps on him!"

"But..."

"Do janken or something, okay?"

"All right. On three."

"Acceptable." Units 00 and 02 pumped their fists
three times. Asuka came out paper, and Rei rock.

"See! Fate smiles on Love!" Asuka reached down
her Evangelion's hand, giving Shinji a boost. Seconds later
he was inside her cockpit, caught tight in her arms.

"Gurrk. Asuka-chan. Thanks. Can't..."

"Oh. Sorry."

"'S all right." They kissed.

"Interesting technique," Rei commented. "Would it
be offensive if I were to show the tape to my lovers?"

"Yes!" Asuka slammed her fist down on the
communication console, shutting off the visual feed.

Ritsuko shook her head. "I knew Rei should have
picked him up."
*****

"Well, that was certainly pointless," Asuka snarled,
stripping off her plugsuit and tossing it into the corner.

A hesitant hand knocked at the door. "Ummm,
Asuka? There doesn't seem to be a men's locker room any
more. Mind if I come in?"

Asuka sighed. "Yes, baka-Shinji-chan. You've only
slept and bathed with me every day for the past year. I
really mind changing my clothes with you in the room."
There was a few seconds' pause. "I was _joking_. Come
in!"

Rei turned from her locker, combing her shoulder
length blue hair. "Hello, Brother."

"I'm sorry!" He clapped his palms over his eyes.

"Brother? Are you well? Your face is red."

Asuka produced a water pistol from her carryall.
"There, sweetheart, we're all girls now. You can open your
eyes."

She hesitated for a moment, then slowly took down
her hands. Asuka tossed her a towel. "C'mon, let's get
showered. Mi-chan's off duty in fifteen minutes." Shinji
hesitated, her fingers on the seals of her suit. "Don't be shy,
liebchen."

"Right." She peeled off the tight fitting garment.

"Fascinating," Rei commented.

"Huh?!"

"Your plugsuit fits both of your forms."

"Ummm.... yeah."

"Oh, it happens with most of his clothes," Asuka
commented, unbinding her boy/girlfriend's pigtail and
busying herself with a brush. "Seems to be part of the
curse. Isn't it neat?"

"Illogical."

There were three shower heads, with no curtains.
Shinji turned hers to ice cold and hoped it didn't change.

Asuka preened, turning her face to the stream. "I'll
scrub your back if you'll do mine, sweetheart."

"Don't want to ...brrr... get near hot water."

"You sure that isn't a little too cold for you?"

"No!"

"I don't know why you're so shy around
Wondergirl. I mean, she _is_ your sister."

Rei's hand snaked out and turned Shinji's shower
control.

"Aieee!" His hands dropped hastily.

"Fascinating." Rei turned the water back to cold.
"The change would appear to be instantaneous."
*****

In their cages, Units 00 and 02 turned to each other.
Each brought up a fist, and brought it down again.

One!

Two!

Three!

00's rock beat 02's scissors. Giant lips twisted into
clumsy smiles.
*****

"Shinji! Asuka! Come here!" Misato glomped
them and didn't let go. That was a bit much, even for her.
Doctor Akagi must have been worse than usual. He
glanced in her direction. Something was different. Oh,
right... Maya-san was visiting her mother. Apparently the
doctor's case of separation anxiety made Misato's seem
tame. The teddy bear tucked under her arm was a bit much,
though.

Misato was still clinging to them. "I need to get out
of here. Now."

By the time they reached the surface, she had calmed
down enough to be content with holding hands. Shinji
didn't think his fingers were actually bruised.

"What happened?" Asuka asked.

"I'll tell you later. Let's go to the park." They
bought okonomiyaki and a six-pack of Yebisu from a yatai
on the way.
*****

Yui was playing with her computer again. Gendou
sat down behind her and wrapped his arms about her waist.
He'd forgotten how much fun a normal life could be. No
battles, no plots, no clones, just a house under the palm
trees and his wife...

Who was busily engaged in doctoring photographs
of their son and his lovers. "Western or traditional, Gen-
chan?"

"Hmm?"

"Their wedding. I can't decide which outfits I like
better."

"Oh."

"Maybe they could have one of each. Or better yet,
two of each! Shinji could wear men's clothes, and then we
could splash him and she could wear women's! Beautiful!"

Two puppets appeared on her shoulders. Each
looked disturbingly like a cross between Rei and an
Evangelion unit. "You're a genius, Yui-chan!" one cried in
a painfully high voice.

"Greatest scientist and wedding planner in the
world, Yui-chan!" added the other.

For precisely the ten millionth time, Ikari Gendou
wished he'd never listened to his wife when she proposed
merging herself with Eva-01. For the one thousand and
ninety first, he wished he'd never let her put a lab into their
home. And for the eight hundred and seventy ninth, he
wished he'd never given her the box of old anime discs he'd
found while clearing out his office closet.
*****

"Mmmm, that hit the spot!" Misato threw back her
head and drained her third beer.

Shinji was nursing his first. He'd finally learned to
enjoy the stuff, although it had taken a while.

Misato made puppy-dog eyes. "Shin-chan? Could I
have some of that?"

"You're going to drink all of it."

"Just a sip. Please?"

"You do realise that I actually like it?"

"Yes." She smiled fondly. "I'm so proud to be a
positive influence in your life." She leaned over and kissed
him gently on the lips. "Sweet Shin-chan," she murmured,
wrapping one arm around his shoulders and slipping the can
neatly from his hand with the other.

"Hey!"

She gave it back. "See, I only took a sip."

He drank the last swallow. It had been half-full a
moment before. "Some sip."

Asuka laughed. "Here, Shinji, you can have some of
mine."

"Could I? Just a little bit? Pretty please?"

"No, Mi-chan."
*****

"I'm home!" Rei1 called.

"Welcome!" Rei2, Rei3, and Rei4 replied.

"Why do we always say that?" Rei2 asked.

"Because Commander Ikari told us to," said Rei3.

"Commander Ikari also told us to call him 'Father',"
commented Rei4.

"I did not intend to disobey orders."

"We won't punish you _this_ time, Three," Rei1
said firmly. "_If_ you give us a hug."

"Yes." The four clones glomped each other.
*****

Misato closed her eyes and stretched. "Isn't it a
pretty afternoon? Let's go for a swim!"

"I'm not sure if the pool's open today."

"I'm not talking about the _pool_, Shin-chan.
There's a nice pond right here."

"But... it's probably against the rules! And anyhow,
we don't have any suits."

"Yes, we do!" She punched his shoulder
affectionately. "We're wearing them right now."

"What?" He paused for a moment. "Oh no!"

"Oh yes!"

"But... it's a public park!"

"Don't be such a prude, Shin-chan. Hardly anyone
ever comes here, and there's trees all around the pond."

"But-- "

"'C'mon, Shinji-chan, it'll be fun. How long has it
been since the three of us had a nice romantic swim?"

"Three days?"

"See, it's been half a week!"

"But... it's the middle of the afternoon."

"Please? I had a really hard day at work. Ritsuko
was listening to the Hello Kitty Christmas album."

"That doesn't sound-- "

"On repeat. All _day_. At maximum volume."

"In April?"

Misato shuddered. "Maya's been gone for two
days. She claims it makes her feel less lonely."

Asuka wrapped her arms around the taller woman,
cradling her head on her shoulder. "Poor Mi-chan. The
water would make you feel better, wouldn't it?"

She sighed. "Uh-huh."

"Oh, all right."

"Yay!"
*****

"I want to see what spring is like on Jupiter and
Mars..." Gendou sang as he took the steaks off the grill.
"Yui! Dinner's ready!"

"Just a minute." He poured the wine and put out the
salad. Ten minutes later, he was still waiting.

"Yui?"

"Just let me finish one little thing..." He walked in
and looked over her shoulder.

"You're planning the Reis' wedding?"

"They _are_ my daughters."

"I think they'd want identical dresses."

"But that's no fun!"

"They _are_ clones."

"Maybe I could put two of them in tuxedos?"

*****

"See, Shin-chan, it is nice in here, isn't it?"

She looked towards the break in the trees for the
fiftieth time, and shivered despite the warmth of the day.
"Anyone could come along..."

Asuka grinned. "That's half the fun."

"What if it's some pervert or something?"

"Don't worry, Shin-chan. We'll protect you."
Misato tugged affectionately on her pigtail.

Shinji could hear voices in the distance. A woman's
voice, much louder than the rest, and a murmur of others.
It sounded as if they were speaking English. "What is she
saying?"

"It is rumoured that the gorgeous and utterly heroic
Major Katsuragi Misato and her adorable pet Evangelion
pilots are frequent visitors-- "

"Mi-chaaan," Asuka groaned, putting a hand over
her lover's mouth. "Something about park design. 'The...'-
- I don't know that word, I think it's some kind of tree-- '
thrive best when close to water. We're particularly proud
of our pond, which was planned by the botanist Saotome
Kodachi and is home to over fifty species of rare plants."

They were coming closer. Shinji turned bright red
and hunkered down in the water, crossing her arms over her
breasts. "No. This is not happening."
*****

"We have a letter," Rei2 declared.

"What does it say?"

"We are to attend school. Starting Monday after
next."

"All of us?"

"It says 'Ayanami Rei.' No numbers."

"School sounds interesting," said Rei3.

"It isn't."

"Really?" said Rei4.

"The food is atrocious. The curriculum is pathetic.
And I was always seated next to someone who didn't
bathe."

"Oh."

"We are ordered. Therefore, we will go," said Rei2.

"What else came?" Rei1 asked.

Rei4 shuffled the stack. "A new municipal garbage
collection schedule. The 'Journal of Human Genetics.' A
supplement from 'Clone Awareness.' And the Victoria's
Secret catalog."

"Sweet!" the clones shouted in unison.
*****

"Well, that was really kind of funny, wasn't it?"
Misato said as they neared their building.

Fifteen minutes later, Shinji still hadn't lost her
blush. "No, it wasn't."

Asuka pinched her gently on the nose. "They were
just Girl Scouts from America, Shinji-chan. No big deal."

"But..."

"We were all girls. Just like a public bath. No
worries."

Misato laughed. "I think some of them were about
ready to join us."

Shinji shuddered.

"And then there was that one with the camera."

"No!"

"Just kidding, sweetheart." Asuka hugged her about
the shoulders and kissed her cheek.

"Mail's here," Misato said, opening their box.

"What do we have?"

"'Die Welt,' 'Alternate Bowing: the Magazine for
Aquatranssexual String Players,' a couple of letters, and the
Victoria's Secret catalog."

"Yay!"

"Oh dear."

"Don't fret, Shin-chan. We won't get you anything
too embarrassing."

Asuka grinned. "No thongs, at least."

"We're home!" Misato called.

Pen-pen opened his fridge and made a noise that
sounded a bit like "Welcome." It might just as easily have
meant "Shut up, I'm trying to sleep!"

Misato sat down at the table and began to flip
through the letters. "What's this? From your school? I
thought they'd been closed."

Asuka and Shinji peered over her shoulders.
"What's it say?"

"The two of you are supposed to start classes
Monday after next."

"What the heck?!" they exclaimed in rather nice
open harmony.

Misato's phone bleeped. "Hello? Katsuragi here."

"This is really weird," Asuka whispered. "I always
thought Marduk was just another part of NERV."

"Same here. You'd think they would have told Mi-
chan."

"What?! You forgot to tell me? Because you were
_lonely_?

"How do you think _I_ feel about it?"

Asuka and Shinji looked at each other. "I think they
just did."

"Yes, Ritsuko, I know I'm a cradle robber. Pot,
kettle, black. Goodbye." She opened a drawer, wrapped
the letter around the phone, and stuffed them inside.
"Arrgh. I need a beer." She opened the refrigerator.
"Either of you want one?" There was a squawk. "No, not
you, Pen-pen."

"So, what exactly happened?" asked Asuka.

"Apparently Tokyo-3 is becoming a 'normal city'.
And NERV thinks it would look bad if our pilots weren't
getting a formal education."

Shinji frowned. "But they never actually taught us
anything. It was always the same lessons over and over
again."

"I know. I think it's the principle of the thing. If
it's any consolation, all your old friends will be back as
well."

"It would be fun to see Hikari more often," Asuka
mused. "But I've already been through university-- I really
don't see why I need to go back to school. And Shinji's
picked up more hanging around the Geofront than he could
ever learn in a classroom."

"Well, I'd suppose I could find some way you could
work with me, Asuka-chan. But Shinji really ought to have
a diploma."

"I'll miss having you with me all the time,
sweetheart, but I'm sure it'll just make the evenings that
much more special."

Something was bothering Misato. "Are you sure
our Shin-chan should be alone at school, Asuka-chan?"

"Well..."

"I can take care of myself."

"Think about it. All those boys and girls, and our
lover with his/her curse, alone and vulnerable to any pervert
with a glass of water..."

"You've got a point."

"Aida and Suzuhara will be there."

Asuka nodded. "Right. I guess it's back for both of
us."

Misato hugged them, tightly. "I wish I could go
with you."

"Don't cry, Mi-chan, it's only seven hours a day."

"Seven hours...waaaah..."

*****

"Well, here we are," Misato said, slowing her
battered blue compact to an uncharacteristically gentle stop.
The new building was a little further away than the old one.
It was faced in brick and plaster stone-substitute, with
plastic ivy draped in sheets down the walls, something like a
substance-dependent Hollywood set designer's fantasy of an
English boarding school. "Oh my."

"What?"

"This place used to be a love hotel. For people with
interesting tastes."

"You mean...?

"If I remember the ads right, there was a fully
outfitted dungeon in the basement."

"Feel like cutting class, sweetheart?"

"We shouldn't," Shinji said quietly.

"Why not?" Asuka asked, grinning.

"Because it isn't fair when Mi-chan's stuck at
work."

"Sorry, Mi-chan." The three held hands a moment.

"G'bye, my darlings. Take care of each other,
okay?" She wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

"We will." They waved and turned toward the
gates.

"Forget something, Shinji-chan?" He looked down
for a moment.

"Oh, no! I left our lunches behind."

"That's right. And you know what the penalty for
making me eat cafeteria food is..."

"Back in a minute."

He sprinted to the car. _Good thing the traffic's so
bad today. As much fun as his punishment would be, it
doesn't really make up for having to eat that stuff._ She
smiled as he opened the door and was promptly seized by
their purple-tressed housemate.

"Hey, Asuka!"

"Hikari!"

"Doesn't that bother you?"

"What, Hikari-chan?"

"Katsuragi-san grabbing on to Shinji-kun like that. I
mean, I know they're close, but isn't French kissing a bit
much?"

"Why?"

"Well, he's _your_ boyfriend, isn't he?"

"Half the time he's my girlfriend."

"But still..."

"Why should I mind? If it'd been me, she would
have done exactly the same thing."

"Asuka-chan? You mean..."

"Of course! Didn't you realise?"

"You're serious? You and Shinji-kun and
Katsuragi-san...?"

"Yes." For once, Asuka was mildly abashed.
_Hikari-chan must be the most innocent person I've ever
met. I hope this isn't too much of a shock._ "I hope it
doesn't bother you."

"Bother me?" Hikari leaned over and whispered in
Asuka's ear. "I've been worrying for months over what
you'd think if you found out about Touji and Kensuke and
me."

"Well, I never thought Suzuhara swung that way,
and on a personal level I can't imagine liking males quite
that much, but I don't see how it makes any difference."

"What do you think I should do about the class? If
they find out..."

"Trust me, they won't even notice. After the
Wondergirls, anything else will seem completely normal."

"What?"

"You'll see."

"Good morning," intoned four voices in eerie
consort. The clones had linked arms as they walked.
Identical small smiles adorned their faces. One broke away
and held the door for the others; she clasped the hand of the
last in line as she followed.

"Are they...?" Hikari blushed.

"Yes."

"How did _that_ happen? For that matter, where'd
they all come from?"

"Supposedly Rei was knocking around in the
Geofront God knows why-- and she found this big tank
with the other three in it. She let them out and, well, you
don't want to hear the rest."

"No."
*****

"Sorry I'm late!" Misato said as she stepped into the
office. "Stupid traffic." There was no response.
"Ritsuko?"

She glanced towards her colleague's desk. And very
quickly left the room. _I didn't know Maya was that...
creative,_ she mused as she made her way to the cafeteria.

Forty minutes later, she cracked open the door.
"Are you decent?"

Maya blushed. Ritsuko, however, was completely
unruffled. "You know, if you'd got here on time we
wouldn't have been so bored."

"It's not my fault! The traffic is a nightmare these
days. Why don't the police do something?"

"We don't have any, remember?"

"What?"

"They all quit because of the Angel attacks. And
when the Budget Committee noticed that nearly everyone
else had left the city as well, they defunded the department."

"Oh." She booted her computer up and spent a few
minutes looking over her email. There was nothing except a
chain letter and a memo about the upcoming NERV picnic
and softball championship. She sighed and turned back to
Ritsuko. "What do we do these days, anyhow?"

"We maintain the Evangelion units in readiness for
any renewed Angel activity."

"Don't be ridiculous. You saw what happened with
Unit 01. And I'm worried about 00 and 02." She glanced
at the screen monitoring the cages. The two Eva had
progressed from jan-ken-pon to patty-cake.

"Obviously," she continued, "NERV must find new
duties, new ways to serve our city. What if-- "

"Stop it. You're going to suggest that we fill in as
police, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because it is our duty as the defenders of Tokyo-
3."

"You're full of it. You just want to get Asuka and
Shinji out of school so you can pull them into a corner and
neck whenever you feel like it."

"Yeah, so?"
*****

"Ayanami Rei." Hikari read.

"Here."

"There are four of you." _Sensei?_ She'd thought
he was asleep.

"Yes."

"Didn't there only used to be one?"

"One rescued us," said a Rei.

"What?"

"One rescued us," repeated another.

"I don't understand." His dark glasses were
trembling.

"One rescued us," said a third.

"Which one?" His whole body was visibly shaking.

"One!" The other three Reis pointed.

He banged his head against his desk. The action
seemed to calm him. "Don't take the rest of the roll,
Horaki-kun. If anyone else has become twins or triplets or
something, I don't want to know about it."

"We're _clones_!" interjected a Rei. Hikari was
going to have to figure out some way to tell them apart.
Maybe Shinji could help.

Sensei ignored her. "Today, class, I am going to
change our lesson plan. Instead of covering the Second
Impact, we will discuss the halcyon days before widespread
genetic engineering, when one's classmates seldom, if ever,
doubled, tripled, or quadrupled themselves."
*****

Misato chugged her coffee. She wasn't sure if it
was the third or the fourth cup. Not that it mattered. She
glanced across the room: Ritsuko and Maya were gazing
into each others' eyes, ignoring the Magi, which appeared
to be playing a game of four-hand Tetris.

"I'm going over to the range, 'kay?"

Neither responded. Misato stopped into the armory
to sign out her allotted practice ammunition. Since she
hadn't fired her weapon in the past year, she had
accumulated three boxes. _And I feel like shooting off every
last round,_ she thought as she slipped the mufflers over her
ears and pulled the switch for her first target.

Wait. Ten-rings were boring. She flipped through
her choices. Human silhouettes were equally dull. Smiley
faces were only a slight improvement. Angels, local
journalists, Regis Philbin Beta, and the Jet-alone Mech
weren't right, either. Even if the life-size photograph of
Commander Ikari hadn't been removed, she wouldn't have
dared take the chance that Yui might be watching.

After a moment's thought, she left the range and
hopped an elevator to the surface. There was a sale on at
the local Sanrio store.
*****

Shinji managed to get halfway through the first class
before a cold water pipe sprang a leak, which disappeared
as soon as the damage was done.

"Damn," she muttered, hunching forward in hopes
that her loose shirt would help conceal the change.

"Wasn't Ikari-kun taller a few minutes ago?"
whispered a nameless spear-carrier.

"I think so. Probably a Jusenkyo curse," replied her
equally anonymous axe-bearing friend.

"Don't they make people's hair change colours?"

"Let's not start a character debate."

They both shuddered. "Right. So, you think he'll
be showering with us now?"

"_She_ probably will."

"Cool."

"I heard that!" Asuka's head expanded to
dangerous proportions and her tongue shot out, much
longer than usual and forked.

"Wait a minute! When did Souryuu learn the Giant
Demon Head?"

"Isn't that technique exclusive to the Tendou
family?"

"Maybe she's a cousin."

"No. This is not happening." The teacher laid his
head on his desk and began to cry.

"Let's get out of here," Hikari whispered, seizing
Touji and Kensuke by the hands and dragging them through
the door.
*****

Gendou leaned his fishing rod up against the porch.
He hadn't caught anything today, but that was all right; he
also hadn't been using a line. The fish didn't bother him,
and he didn't bother them. It was a nice arrangement.

In the living room, his wife was playing with a small
furry animal. That was odd; they hadn't had any pets the
last time he'd checked. "Yui? What's that?"

She stroked the long-eared creature under the chin.
"It's a doggit. My latest invention." It made an
indescribable sound of pure happiness.

"Like on Battlestar Galactica?"

"No, no, no! That was a _daggit_. This is a
_doggit_. It's half dog, half rabbit. I didn't think it was
right that there were cabbits and nothing to bark at them."

"Does it become a giant crystalline spaceship? Or a
humanoid?"

"No. But it does transform into both a mini-van and
a vacuum cleaner!"

The puppets appeared. Gendou groaned and
covered his ears.

"All hail Yui-chan! Greatest-- hey, he's not
listening!"

"You're hurting our feelings!" Both began to cry.
The doggit licked their faces.

"Eeewww! Doggit kisses!" They vanished.
*****

Shinji swung open the door. "We're home!"

Misato's sidearm was drawn, locked in a two
handed grip. She faced something at the other end of the
living room, grimly intent.

Asuka slipped a slender object from her pocket. It
flared into a meter-long blade of red energy and she
dropped into stance, moving to flank her lover.

Shinji produced a slim double-edged sword from
nowhere, and took a position at Misato's other side, ready
to meet the charge of the...

Hello Kitty poster. Which was already liberally
decorated with small holes. As was a fair portion of the rest
of the wall.

"Hey, sweethearts! How was your d-- What the
heck?"

"Sorry." Asuka quenched her blade and returned the
hilt to her pocket. Shinji grounded his swordpoint.

"Umm, Asuka-chan? Did you become a Jedi knight
or something while I wasn't looking?"

"Oh, no, not at all. I've just been exploring my
Juraian heritage. My aunt sent me the spaud as a Startica
gift."

"'Spaud'? Isn't that from the wrong manga?"

"Well, yeah, but it's such a neat word."

"I guess. And I don't think you're supposed to be
into swords, Shin-chan."

"Why not?"

"This isn't that kind of story."

"Oh, you're no fun." The weapon disappeared to
wherever it had come from.

Asuka raised an eyebrow. "Anyways, Mi-chan,
what's up with the gun?"

She laid it on the table and stripped off her goggles.
"Oh, it's just an air pistol. I had one when I was a kid, and I
was feeling kind of nostalgic, so I figured hey, why not?"

"And the poster?"

"Therapy."
*****

That night, Tokyo-3 was still and peaceful. Shinji
and Asuka lay safe beside Misato, wrapped in her arms.
Maya and Ritsuko drowsed blissfully on the couch after a
marathon of Totoro movies. The Reis slumbered in a
comfortable pile on their king-size waterbed. Hikari slept
snuggled between her studmuffins, her ears plugged against
their snores.

In a small guardpost on the western edge of the city,
Corporal Leopold Weiss stubbed out another cigarette. It
was all a complete crock. Join the UN Armed Forces, see
the world. Meet interesting people. Right. He'd proven to
have an aptitude for Japanese. And sure, it had got him out
of Hoboken. And put him straight into a city that was just
as ugly, watching for evil monsters that hadn't been seen in
more than a year, but which would surely wipe him out if
they ever did appear. "Stupid smegging job," he muttered
to himself.

"What was that?" Sargent Gertrude van Rijn asked.

"Nothing." Gertie made the rest of his assignment
seem pleasant. No one knew where she came from, but she
spoke Japanese, Dutch, Swahili, Arabic, and English, all
with the same hideous "German trying to sound like a
character from the Beverly Hillbillies" accent. It didn't help
that she was a world-class martial artist and deadly with
every weapon ever created, could bench-press four times
her weight, and got all the cute boys _and_ girls before
anyone else in the UN detachment could get near them.

"Something's out there," she said.

"What?"

"I can hear it. A giant robot."

"One of those Evangelion things?"

"No. Those are mostly biological. This one's
mechanical."

"How can you tell?"

"It's a skill."

Suddenly it loomed before them. He didn't need the
Manual of Giant Robot Silhouettes. He'd watched dubbed
anime on Cartoon Network as a child. "It's a Gundam!" he
cried.

"Kaak. This is the wrong world for those. Don't
tell me... Relena!"

A boarding ramp in the chest of the war mech
lowered, and a pretty teenage girl, her long blonde hair
worn loose save for two braids at the sides, stepped out and
dropped to the ground. "Hey, Gertie! Long time, no see!"
she called. They gripped wrists.

"What? She's not supposed to be-- "

"Alternate universe. Be quiet!" van Rijn snapped.
"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, just looking for Duo and Lady Une. We've
got a few scores to settle."

"I haven't seen them lately. You might look in outer
space."

"I was thinking to try Antarctica. It's a nice place
for duels."

"It doesn't exist in this world. They blew it up."

"Damn. That ice is a lot of fun, and pretty as well."

Listening was enough to make Leopold cry. "I
thought she was a pacifist! I thought Duo was her friend! I
thought-- "

"Can it, Weiss. It's a game they play. They use
paintballs and Nerf sabers."

"And I'm five points ahead!" Relena said happily.
"If I can get it up to ten, Heero owes me dinner! And a
movie! And a hotel room!"

"Sounds nice. I could give you a hand, if you'd like
to make it a threesome."

"You know I don't swing that way, Gertie."

"Well, I can try, can't I?"

Relena winked. "You can. And who knows? You
might even catch me feeling curious sometime."

"Freya hear my prayer! Good hunting, Relena!"

"Thanks!" She leapt into her Gundam and vanished
in the darkness.
**********

To be continued in Fanservice III: Silent Arrest.
Coming gods-know-when.