Title: If Wishes Were Horses
Day/Theme: 9.27) ode to divorce
Series: Nana
Character/Pairing: Hachi, Nana (mentions of past Takumi/Hachi)
Rating: PG
A/N: comment_fic: Hachi, the one where she decided not to keep the baby. Kyuu is one of the readings for 'nine' in Japanese. Apparently I can't write Hachi well at all. The whole time I was writing my mind was going NOT CUTE ENOUGH!11 even though she did mature a bit after the baby.


It was all very happy for a while. She had a very pretty diamond ring on her finger and sometimes when Takumi was away on a gig she'd twist it on her finger to remind her that soon she'd be his and no one else's. After the shock of the pregnancy, when he'd made the proposal she'd been so happy. It was sad to leave Nobu behind, to break his heart, but Takumi had been technically her first love. When she had been younger she'd stared up at him and wished for him to sweep her away in some fantasy land. He was the prince (a lost, ragged one who had fallen among thieves and become their king) and she, the princess.

But dreams were dreams. And those filmy, fleeting things were so easily broken by reality. That was a painful realization, one that she resisted a long time, but it became harder as brown spots of decay formed over her perfect life. A spot of lipstick on his shirt, perfume that wasn't hers. She'd had a boyfriend who'd cheated on her once, another seemed almost fitting. Would her friends say that she subconsciously sought out men who would cheat on her? Or would it be just horrid luck, two flips of tails when she'd hoped for heads?

She had felt by loving Takumi, by being touched by him a pipedream had somehow fallen to reality. She was so very lucky that he chose her out of all the girls in the world, her. But even as she clung, there was a desperation. It felt so fleeting, this kind of luck could never last.

She'd tried to keep it quiet to the rest of the group. It was their business, and while she'd usually have wept to whatever friend was closest, she knew what they'd tell her, and she wasn't ready for the dream to end yet. She'd held the aching decaying part tight to her and wept when other people weren't around. Wasn't that enough to keep him close?

Sometimes she broke and cried when they were around, but she was able to blame it on hormones.

But not everyone would just accept it and let it pass. Especially not Nana.

Nana showed up in her short skirt and fishnets, her black thrift jacket over black t-shirt with Guns and Roses emblazoned on the front. Today she wore the steel-toed boots (she called them her 'stomping' boots and they'd once talked about getting some for Nana too.)

Nana had barely even managed something cute today. Her bulge was already starting to show. It was hard to feel cute when her fiancee was with someone else. All her clothes didn't fit and it she didn't feel like visiting, so she just wore a pink robe about. It was soft and comfortable, and she needed something like that.

Nana took a long look at her, agitation already showing. She pulled out a pack of cigarettes only to find it empty. She must have been really irritated to smoke a whole pack when it wasn't even noon yet.

"Yasu said you were crying a lot. What did he do?" Nana said.

Because through it all Nana could always see these things. And when Nana was around, she was always at her truest state.

"He...He—" she sniffled, "L-lipstick not my color and other women... He—"

She stumbled to the blue, modern couch and bawled. All the bits of the dream she had been trying to keep together fell apart there. It was irrecoverable.

"What? I am going to strangle that creep," Nana muttered.

Nana lifted a cigarette to her lips. She discarded cigarettes half smoked, all ember and ashes and ground them out on the coffee table as if she was pushing them into Takumi's skin.

Takumi was particularly fond of that coffee table.

Nana was too angry to offer the kind of comfort she wanted. She paced back and forth, blazing a trail on the carpet and muttering curses.

She dried her eyes and tried to focus on Nana through the tears.

"Listen, you haven't even tied the knot and already he's running off with some other woman? This is a sign to ditch him right now."

It was most likely women. Plural, not singular.

She smiled because if she smiled enough she would actually feel that happiness again. She didn't like being unhappy, she didn't like sad songs or sad movies and she didn't want to be unhappy when the happiest day of her life was coming in just a few months. She'd always wanted to be Takumi's, after all? And to throw it away for a few simple indiscretions – and didn't most husbands stray once in a while?

It wasn't the fairytale she'd dreamed of, but wasn't it enough?

"I-If I'm first in his heart, then it doesn't matter what he does," she said.

"If you were the first in his heart, he wouldn't be banging other women."

She twisted her ring. Would he have asked her if she hadn't gotten pregnant? Would their fitful nights together have ever turned into anything but another fling for him? Or would she have just been another woman along the line until her name was just a mark on a list somewhere.

She didn't blame him. She wanted to hate all the other girls like she'd hated Sachiko, but in the end she saw the same look on her face she'd had during concerts or staring at her poster at night. And how could he resist girls like that who looked at him

Another idea flitted through her, a memory of a golden time.

"We could raise it. Just me and you and it could be just like old times, except with another little person here– Takumi could still visit her and–"

"Hachi," Nana said pointedly, directly, "We can't raise a kid. I'm not mother material and neither are you."

She sank back into the couch cushions. Everything felt much too heavy.

"It's not to late to end the pregnancy."

"No...I'll have it."

She felt over the small bulge. Even though it'd meant she was tired and achy and that she had to wear ugly, loose clothes, she couldn't hate the baby. There were so many times when Takumi was busy and she'd talk to the baby and tell it about the perfect life it was going to live.

She'd even asked the ultrasound technician to keep the identity a secret. Nana had gone with her, as Takumi had been away. Nana had laughed when she'd asked to keep it a secret, but said that's just like you. She'd even joked on the way home that she'd name the baby "Nana" after both of them. Nana just shook her head. why not just call it Kyuu, Hachi?

She bought colors that could go for either gender as she made up the baby's room. She'd thought up names like Toriko or Kin. Even if this baby wasn't planned, and if it made her sick in the mornings and unable to wear cute things, she loved it. But she wanted her baby to have a happy life too. Could she give it that life if it was all one big farce? When her child asked where its father was, would she say Oh, he's just hard at work when she knew he was probably with some other woman.

If you were first in his heart he wouldn't be banging other women.

She took off the ring and left it on the table. It was shiny, and full of false promises of a life she'd hoped so desperately was hers. She was probably red and blotchy by now. She wiped her nose on her sleeve. The tears kept coming and coming. She didn't know how to make them stop.

She'd find this little one the nicest and happiest family in the world. A family who always said 'I love you' every day and the only sad point in was that they hadn't met her baby yet. A husband who loved his wife so much that he couldn't imagine sleeping with anyone else but her. A family that'd give this baby everything it needed and everything she could've give it.

"Come on, I'll help pack your things. You're coming with me," Nana said.

"But Nana–"

"No buts. I'll call the band over to help get your things. And if he ever comes around when I'm near, I'm going to kick him with these boots right where he's guilty. Make sure he gets that."

She laughed despite it all. She had a headache from her crying jag and all those dreams she'd been holding onto were falling about her in pretty pieces, but Nana was always there for her and some things didn't change. She wiped the last tears from her eyes and got up. She said goodbye to the imaginings of a girl, a girl who had loved Takumi.

Even now she didn't hate him, she couldn't blame him for what he was. She couldn't tie him to her and cling to him in hopes he'd see only her even if he went with other women. She couldn't blame them for wanting him. And yet, she couldn't let her child live in a half-world either.

Nana was already throwing clothes haphazardly into a suitcase. She picked up one of the yellow sleepers she and Nana had bought together and held it to her chest. And then, she let it fall to the floor and with it was all the rest of her goodbyes.