In Brother We Trust
The most awkward car ride of my life. I hated how he kept looking at me, trying to see what I was thinking on my face. I kept my expression as neutral as possible, staring out the windshield with blank eyes, hands clenched tight on the steering wheel.
We didn't speak. I'm sure there were a few times he tried to talk, tried to see if I would say something, but I wouldn't. If I did…If I did I would scream at the top of my lungs, punch him as hard as I could and then hug him so tight that no one could ever take him away from me again.
So I kept my jaw clamped tightly shut and tried to think about nothing but the road in front of me.
I threw the Impala in park once we got to the motel room and walked in without saying a word. I couldn't look at him. Not now. I walked into the bathroom, shutting the door and my eyes. I leaned against the flimsy wooden door. My breath and hands shook at the pain that just seemed to get worse and worse. Tears threatened me, threatened to break through the cracks in my armor. I bit my lip, hard, trying to show them who was boss, trying to show them that I was stronger than them.
But they could fight harder too. I pursed my lips and squeezed my eyes shut tight. Why was I crying? There was no reason.
Other than the fact that my insides hurt so much. Seeing Sammy again after he…after he tried to kill me I didn't know what to do. I know he's sorry, I can see it in his eyes. I can tell that he wants to take it all back but…
He left me. Just like that. At her words he just left me there. And it hurt. It hurt me to think that she was more important than I was. We were always there for each other once. We always thought of the other before ourselves and I still do that. But…it just seems like I was becoming more and more of a liability to him. He didn't give a shit about me then. All he wanted was her. So he left me, and ripped out my heart in the process.
I can't trust him, I can't. I want to so bad, but he hurt me. He tore me up worse than the Hellhounds did, worse than Alastair did. I got out of Hell just to dive into another one. This was worse than Hell. This time I had no offer to make it stop. No matter how hard I had tried to save him he ran and ran, faster and faster.
But now he was okay. Now he was Sammy again. Now he was begging for my forgiveness, my approval, wanting more than anything to take back what he had done. But I can still feel the knife in my back, the rips in my heart and the slap on my face.
I gave into the tears, letting myself sob lightly.
I wanted my little brother back, and I got him. I just wish that I could take him back.
What have I done? He can't even look at me. I know he didn't say half of what he wanted to to me. I know now that I had hurt him. I never saw it as me choosing Ruby over him, but I did. If she called I would be there in a heartbeat. If he screamed my name in the middle of the night I would just sit there. I had become something terrible. I had become evil. My eyes turned black as night as I killed her. And I was tapped out once she was dead, Ruby made damn sure of that.
She used me. I was nothing but something to throw away later. Dean had been right about everything. She used me for her own personal gain. All she wanted was Lucifer. And to think I actually cared about her. I thought she cared about me. But no, the one person that cared about me didn't even trust me anymore.
He went to Hell for me. He died for me. He went through horrors that I couldn't even imagine for me. And this is how I repaid him. By tearing his heart out and stomping it into the dirt. Maybe I should let him hit me.
I buried my face in my hands, the silence around me making the alienated feeling I had worse. He had gone into the bathroom awhile ago, to get away from me. So I sat on this bed that I had assumed mine and waited.
And now tears seeped from my eyes and into my hands. I had betrayed the last person in this world that I had left. And he couldn't even look at me right now.
A soft noise broke the silence. I looked up, sniffing. It was coming from the other side of the bathroom door. Tears fell faster when I recognized the sounds. Dean was crying.
What have I done? I've broken my big brother's heart.
This wasn't fair, it wasn't fair! I spent thirty years in Hell screaming his name, begging to see him again, and this is what I got. This was so much worse than Hell. So much worse. I wanted Sammy. A muffled sound reached my ears, coming through the door. I stopped, wiping the tears that had soaked my face away.
My eyes closed and I pressed my lips together, another jolt of pain hitting my heart. Sammy was crying. He was alone, and crying. I hit my head against the door, cursing myself.
I had made him feel this way. I had hurt him, something I swore I would never do. But I couldn't face him. Not after what I had said. But I remembered something. Something Bobby said.
He said Dad was a coward for always pushin' Sam away. For never facing the music and just talking to him. So much could have been avoided if he had just talked to him. He also told me that I was a better man than Dad was. I stood, trying to contain my sobs. No time like the present to prove Bobby right.
I was keeping my sobs as quiet as I could, staring down at my hands blurred by hot tears.
I didn't even know he was there until I felt him hug me. He sat down next to me on the bed and pulled me to him. I cried against him, feeling awful that he was the one consoling me. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve any comfort of any kind from him.
"I'm sorry, Dean," I choked. "I'm so sorry."
"I know," God, he was crying too. "I know, Sammy. I know you're sorry, but…but I can't…I can't…"
I hugged him as tightly as I could, trying to make him feel better, but I think I was making it worse.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Dean." He didn't answer that. He squeezed me tighter. Tight enough that I understood that he needed me right now. Demon blood, apocalypse, Ruby, Bobby, Cas and any other angel aside. And I would be there for him. It would never make up for what I did, but I would be here.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Dean." Those words hit me in my core. He said it. He knew it. I hugged him tighter, feeling my control slip away from me slowly. The uneven breathing became crying, and the cries became full on sobs that shook the both of us. The situation changed. He was holding me now, hugging me protectively. My head was on his shoulder, soaking his shirt with my tears. I hated crying in front of anyone, especially Sam. And especially since he threw Hell back in my face recently.
There was no stopping this.
"I c-can't trust you, Sammy," I gulped. He nodded. "But you're still m'brother. I still…I still…"
"I know, Dean," Sam whispered. "I know." It didn't matter how long we stayed here, each of us crying our eyes out in confidence of each other. Nothing else mattered right now. All that we had to worry about right now was getting all of this out.
And no matter what happened…
I will always love my brother
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