The Secret Diaries of the Volturi (aged 103,972)
This is a not-for-profit story so please don't sue me, Stephanie Meyer
Chapter 1- The Battle That Never Was
You have to admit, it was embarrassing. I mean, we set out to rid the world of an immortal child that could have destroyed the whole of Vampiredom, capture several new recruits for our private army, and possibly reduce the numbers of those very annoying Cullens. Instead, well, we ended up, to be frank, running away. Yes, it was embarrassing. Mind you, I think I took it rather well. Better than my brothers, anyway.
Sorry. I had to get that out of my system before I exploded (Can vampires explode? Hmm, may have to test that out on the next person who annoys me… All in the name of science, of course…), or possibly set fire to something. I do find setting fire to things a brilliant way of letting out my frustration. But Aro made it quite clear that if I ever burnt his doll's house again, he'd burn me. Normally when my brother tries to be evil, it just makes me laugh. He is really quite pathetic. But he does get very nasty when you threaten the dollies and teddy bears. Did I mention pathetic?
But anyway. The reason for my screaming. I was looking forward to that battle. I really was. The Cullens are just so annoying. I think it's because they utterly fail to be evil., and they are so nice. It's sickening. And un-natural. Vampires shouldn't be nice like that. It's a disgrace. But I'll get them somehow. Soon.
Well, would you believe it? My darling brother, Caius, called me pathetic in his secret journal. And criticised my teddy bears. The poor things were almost burnt to a cinder, when he took his anger out on their poor house. And they are precious to me. Some are antiques, and all of them are exceptionally cute.
I found out about the truly unforgivable thoughts of my brother when he decided to show an evil plan to me: how to persuade the more talented Cullens (the shield, the mind reader and the psycho- sorry- psychic) that we are far cooler than anyone else. It was quite a good plan: telling them how everyone would think they were amazingly cool if they joined us. Everyone knows vampires can't resist being cool.
But I forgot the brilliance of the plan in my anger with my brother. It may have been mentioned before that I, as a very cool person, can see anything someone has ever thought. Well, Caius decided to share his evil plan with me via the medium of thought, and so I saw that he called me pathetic in his personal diary (oh, I do love being able to read personal diaries. Apart from when I'm insulted in them). Yes, he called me pathetic! Twice! Needless to say, I am outraged! I will make Caius pay!
Oh God. They're arguing again. Caius called Aro pathetic, and now Aro's running round in a circle chasing him, wielding a photo of a werewolf. How boring.
Caius has started screaming now. If I wasn't so very bored, it would be funny. But I am so very bored.
I have developed a headache. A very painful headache. I wish Caius would stop screaming. I wish Aro would stop shouting. I wish I wasn't so bored.
Three hours later
That's it! It's been three hours, and they still haven't shut up! I'm going to bed! I don't own a bed, but I don't care! When I buy a bed, I wont be able to go to sleep, but I don't care about that either. It cant be any worse than watching those two idiots. Night. Well, day…
God, I'm bored.