This is the unfortunate result of writer's block. Anyways, to anyone who's read my story The Tweek Letters, this is going to be similar, but with likely more letters. But you don't have to read that one to understand this one, and they're not related. Alors. Enjoy.


Dear Kyle,

Hey, dude. I haven't heard from you since April! I know I really don't deserve to hear from you, but I thought it would've been like you to have called or something. Guess I don't know you too well anymore, do I? It's been so long. Too long.

Well, I know you're still pissed, and I don't blame you. Before you shit-can this, I just want to tell you something.

I'm sorry, and I still love you more than ever.

I know, I know, I'm probably too late. But just hear me out. I know what I did was wrong. Terrible. But, if you're still reading this, then I've got nine (relatively) good reasons for what I did. Read them all thoroughly, and give me the benefit of the doubt. I need you, Kyle, and I'm sorry that I hurt you. But I promise that I can change.

Anyways, onto my list. It's entitled, 'Nine Decent Reasons To Break off a Wedding'.

One. Things were too good to be true. I think we were pushing it too far, Ky. Maybe we made a good couple, a good pair of friends, but I just thought that we were taking too big of a risk with this. I didn't want things to get ugly and have to divorce and so that we couldn't be friends at the end. Don't you agree?

Two. You invited your mother to stay with us two weeks before the wedding! I just figured this was a sure-fire sign that things were going south. You know how much your mother hates me, and I just didn't understand why the hell you wanted us to be in the same house for two whole weeks. I figured something must've been wrong.

Three. Now, you're going to have a good laugh over this one. You want kids, and I don't. I know, it sounds stupid, but I read that that's how lots of marriages end badly. One of them wants kids and the other doesn't, so they fight and decide they can't be together. I honestly believe that I can't be happy if we were to adopt a kid. You probably think I'm over-exaggerating, but I've thought it through pretty well. But, believe as you will.

Four. You admitted that you were attracted to Kenny. While we were going out. I know you said that you got over it, but I don't think you have. I'm not saying that I think your lying, I just think that, on some level, your subconscious is still attracted to him. And I know I said that I didn't, but I do have a problem with it. It's hard for me to think about. It makes me jealous. But that makes me sound like a pussy, so, in short, I don't like you liking someone else while were together, and I don't know what I'd do if that had happened if we were married.

Five. Remember that fight we had last January about you working too much? Yeah, the one where I hit you. I think about that way too much. I don't want to get into an abusive marriage - while I don't think it will ever turn out like that, I'm afraid of my anger going off again like that one time. It shouldn't even have happened the first time, and I sure as hell don't want it to happen again. But I'm so worried that it will. And I don't know if I could stand having to look at anymore bruises I put on you ever again.

Six. I had a bad hair day. End of story.

Seven. The day of the ceremony, it rained. You know just as well as me that it's bad luck when it rains on your wedding day. I figured it was a sign.

Eight. It took us fifteen years of knowing one another before I was ready for something more than friendship. So saying that I was afraid of commitment was the understatement of the year. It was hard for me to agree to get engaged, but I figured we could wait a while before actually tying the knot. I guess I can't really complain, after all, we waited a whole year. You waited for me, and I felt bad holding you back when I knew I loved you, you loved me, and that it was what you wanted. But to be honest, I don't know if I'd have ever truly been ready, and that wasn't fair to you. But when the time came, I just panicked.

Nine. My dad said that if I married a man, he would stop speaking to me. I never told you because I didn't want you to think I was weak, but I am. My dad has the magical power to make you feel like the biggest fag on this side of the Earth.

Well, that's it for my nine good reasons. But none of them are really good, considering there honestly is no good reason to leave the person you love at the altar. But, I figured you deserved to know why I had to do it. And that is why I have one more list to share with you. This list, however, consists of only one reason.

It's called, 'The Biggest, Crappiest, Most Pathetic Reason In The World For Breaking Off A Wedding'.

One. I have been cheating on you with Wendy Testaburger since we got engaged. I got her pregnant and she wanted me to move in with her and help her raise the baby. I know, I'm a terrible person. And I sure as hell won't disagree - but I didn't leave you because I'm moving in with her. I broke off our wedding because of these ten reasons, but also because I'm a terrible person. I know you can do better than me, Kyle. You deserve someone who won't cheat. And, though there will never be anyone who loves you more than I do, I hope you can be happy with that person.

Well, Cartman turned out being Wendy's baby's father, so she left me. I didn't care, though. I was too distracted by the fact that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I hurt you. What's more was that I'd been hurting you from the beginning.

So here I am. I'm not writing this letter to ask for forgiveness, because I don't deserve or expect it. I just felt like you should know that it's my fault, not yours.

Your Super Best Friend Forever, No Matter What, Until The End of Time,

Stan Marsh

P.S.: No matter how you take this letter, I love you, and I always will.


Review, oui?