The Cullen family sat happily and relaxed in the living room of their brand new house in Oregon. Rosalie was looking around, pondering where her husband could be. Jasper suddenly began laughing his ass off.

"What the fuck Jasper!" Alice shrieked, looking up from painting her toenails. He just kept laughing.

"Emmett's in a good mood." He mused just as Emmett sauntered in the door with a pink bag over his shoulder. His golden eyes were very wide and the topaz hinted around the corners in the white.

"Hey guys!" He slurred happily, clapping his hands. He sat on the couch by Rosalie, throwing his arm over her shoulder. "Hey hey babbbbbbbbby" He said, making a kissy face. Rosalie rolled her eyes, taking his arm off her shoulders.

Emmett smiled cheekily, just sitting there. Then, he got a pondering look on his face. "Edward…" He began very seriously. "Why is there a penis growing out of your left nostril?" Emmett said, cocking his head to the side and staring bluntly at Edward.

Edward gave him a "what the fuck" look. "Ahh! I do not!" Edward ran to the nearest mirror and saw a marker spot on his face. He shrieked like a girl and ran upstairs, hugging his Winnie The Pooh pillow. Emmett cackled, tossing his head back.

"Aha! Funny" He wiped his eye as if to wipe away a tear. He jumped to his feet, making the house shake.

"Jesus." Alice muttered, staring at him.

"Where!" Emmett shouted, looking all around. Alice snickered. "Oh Lordy! Pick a bale of cotton! Pick a bale of hay!" Emmett clapped his heels together when he jumped in the air.

"Emmett, Jesus is watching." Bella giggled, watching him. Emmett looked up at the ceiling and saw Edward disguised in a long black wig and moustache with a little goatee and a white cape.

"Holy shit! It's Jesus!" Emmett shrieked, looking up, unbeknownst to him it was Edward.

"It's Jesus bitch." Edward said in a serious mean girl tone. Emmett breathed heavily, falling to his knees and looking up and "Jesus".

"Wait." He said suddenly. "Wasn't Jesus Jewish? So why are you white?" Emmett asked, laughing retardly. Edward's eyes got wide and he shut the trap door.

"Emmett, what's wrong with you?" Esme asked, standing against the wall.

"Let me guess, your Susan?" He stuttered, looking at Esme.

"The correct person is Mary." Esme said to him. Emmett screamed like a little girl.

"All this time I've been lied to!" He shrieked, falling into a fetal position and rocking back and forth.

"Famila, Emmett es el high." Carlisle said. Everyone looked over at him with an open mouth.

"Holy fuck! Carlisle, your Mexican?" Emmett shrieked. "LIES! LIES!" He rolled around the floor, rolling over the coffee table in the process.

Jasper and Carlisle got the unbreakable vampire strengthen chair and tied Emmett to the floor. Emmett screamed and squirmed.

"SMART! SMART! THEY ARE GOING TO SMART ME!" Everyone looked at Emmett confused.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Bella asked, looking at the big guy strapped the floor.

"Sexually molested and raped twice!" He cried, shutting his eyes. Then Emmett passed out on the floor.

The family looked between each other.

"Can I have his weed?" Jasper asked quietly. Everyone glared at him. "Hey! You can't blame a guy for trying"

Can't blame me for needing a one shot! I love this for some reason! :D hope you like it