By: Karen B.
Warning: Season five spoiler 5-1
Summary: Short snippet. Spoiler warning: 5-1. Sam angst -- rated -- a lot!
Thank you for reading,
Note: Thank you Anon...I revised this some. Funny the things you forget when you are deep in dream-land!
Man, you were the one I depended on the most.
And you let me down in ways I can't even...
I just don't think we can ever be what we were.
I just don't think that I can trust you.
Dean stood silent, only a few feet away, he may as well have been on the moon -- the distance between us couldn't be greater.
"Dean," I called to him, but he didn't look back, just stood stiff, angry, keeping his back to me.
His words had stung, so badly they brought a single tear welling up in my eye. I swiped the drop quickly away. After a moment's hesitation, Dean got inside the Impala and started the engine. I waited for him to just take off, burn rubber, leave me far behind. Standing here alone -- in the darkness -- the very darkness that destroyed everything. I wouldn't blame him if he did.
There was no mopping up this mess, I knew that. I'd been blinded, selfishly so. I'd lost my only family, my only brother. Dean was right. Things would never be the same.
Dean's arm hung out the open window tapping impatiently on the side of the car. I heaved a sigh, pulling myself together. He was waiting for me. I walked slowly underneath the blackened sky, wishing to be swallowed by the night -- no such luck. Opening the passenger door, I climbed in, quietly shutting the door and closing my eyes. I didn't want to see Dean's disappointed face, it was bad enough I had to listen to the thick rift of silence. He didn't even turn on the radio as we drove. That said a lot.
I listened to Dean breathing, listened to his hands move along the steering wheel, shuffling around on the seat, finding a bottle of water, unscrewing the cap, chugging down a few sips. Familiar sounds -- but no longer comforting. Could this get any worse? Anymore far apart? Dean didn't trust me. How could we hunt together if he didn't trust me? He'd question every bit of research, every single move, even the food I ate would become some horrible, deadly germ on a glass slide examined under a microscope.
I was exhausted and kept my eyes closed, yet wouldn't let the fatigue take over. My stomach begged for food and my throat for water, but I didn't so much as twitch an eyebrow. I wanted to hide behind my eyes, but even closed, I kept seeing Lilith. Her blood chilling on stone, the gate to hell cracking open, Ruby's all knowing and satisfied smile. I swore I could even hear the grotesque growl of the devil himself. I shuddered, longing for what used to be. Dean's cool hand on my forehead when I was hot with fever. The way he sometimes would nudge me with an elbow, when a pretty girl walked by. The way he smiled so proudly when my research would pay off. The quiet, comfortable times when we shared a beer, a game of pool, a meal, a dirty joke. Little things I never had to think about -- until now -- until they were gone. I wanted my brother back. Wanted him to drape an arm around my shoulder and hug me close. Tell me everything really was okay -- forgive me. Who was I fooling? Who was I to want those things. Nothing would ever be okay again, and how coud anyone forgive someone for destroying everything. I wouldn't.
My legs were cramping, and I squirmed restlessly in my seat listening to the lone whistle of a far-off train. A frenzy of emotions attacked me like a swarm of killer bees. Adrenalin causing my heart to skip beats. Scenery rolled by, ink-well black, graveyard- brown, red with gore. My jumbo slice of demon blood didn't save the world. Everything I'd done rolled up into a tight, foul wad and sat heavy in my belly. I was scared. I was sad. I was disgusted -- sick -- inside and out. Go! I had to go, get away. Runaway.
'Tuck and roll, Sam, just tuck and roll.'
My shaky fingers fumbled for the handle, pushing the car door open. The wind hit my face, blowing my hair into my eyes so I couldn't see the fast moving pavement.
"Sam! What the hell!" Dean shouted at the same time the Impala slowed. Without a word, I flung myself from the moving car, hitting the pavement hard and rolling shoulder over shoulder until I found a soft patch of ground.
I stood on trembling legs, ignoring the pain, ignoring the blood, ignoring the squeal of tires -- Dean screaming out orders for me to stop. I ran -- terrified -- heart pounding and threatening to rip out my chest. Something dark and evil bubbled deep in my stomach -- something like a witches cauldron -- or was that simply my own soul.
It was a cool, clear night, and I clutched my jacket tight around me as I ran under the light of the full moon. My legs had a mind of their own, taking me farther into the woods. Every shadow dancing around me held a memory -- good and bad. Grim, sweat, and blood dripped down my face only causing me to pick up my pace. I twisted and turned through the thick forest, batting away branches and thorny bushes that seemed to reach out trying to capture me -- stop me. I stumbled over a log, letting out an insane laugh -- was a little too late to be stopping me now.
Tears turned everything blury, but I ran until I fell in my tracks on my knees, in a grassy knoll, fog coming up off the cool ground. Hands gripping my thighs, I titled my head far back staring up at the perfectly round moon. The wind tugged my hair into my eyes, but I still managed to focus on the pale light. I could hear Dean in the woods far behind, calling. I wanted to go to him, but couldn't. I wanted a lot of things. I wanted to believe what I had done was right. That drinking the demon blood, and using my power to kill Lilith had saved the world. That Dean and I could finally be normal. Start families. Become uncles. Go fishing on Sundays. Grow old together. I was so stupid. I was so blind. I knew…deep down I knew how stupid, how wrong, but I killed Lilith anyway -- loosing control.
"It's me!" I screamed at the moon, at God, at the angels, Mom, Dad, at Dean-- anyone out there in the blackness who would listen. "Sam Winchester!" I yelled louder, gobs of saliva flying from my mouth. "Damn it! It's still me. Somewhere…" I panted heavily. "…Inside this shell… I… am… still me!" I cried out. "Even though you don't trust me! Even though I don't trust me. I am in here!"
The sky spun wild, a cold breeze blew, and I hung my head, feeling dizzy, weak, unworthy, fragile. An easy target, like a bunny hiding in the tall grass with a high-powered scope aimed at his fluffy, little, stupid head. Pain and guilt flooded my core -- slowly eating me alive -- I wished it would already. I wished I could hide from the world, hide from Dean's distrust -- impossible wishes.
"Why!" I took a deep breath, trying to calm my trembling body. "What can I do? How can I make this right? I want to make this right!" I grit my teeth, pleading with no one. "Somebody?" My voice echoed back at me, lonely and cold --clinging to my dirt covered heart.
I had no where to go. I was sick -- homesick. Of all the places we'd ever lived, all the people I'd ever met -- nothing spoke of home more than Dean.
"I would never hurt anyone," I said. "Not knowingly. If nothing else, please…you have to know...Oh, my God." I raised a hand, fingers digging -- a fist clutching at the empty air. I'd drained that poor girl's blood -- how could I forget. "Please, I'm not...I can't be...a monster...no, please. Where are you? Help me. Is there anyone who can help me?"
The breeze died down and an ominous black cloud rolled across the moon, cutting off all light. Was that my answer -- nothingness -- dead silence. Dean called, getting closer, and my heart rate picked up. I brought myself off the ground, swaying, swiping stray bangs out of my eyes, and staring back up at the sky.
"I miss you..." I whispered, glancing over my shoulder. "...Miss what we used to have."
I missed my brother to the point of being sick. I was sorry. Sorrier than anyone could ever understand. But sorry counted for nothing when the whole world was about to spin off into oblivion. I was the only one who deserved oblivion -- just me -- no one else.
No way I was dragging Dean down into the nothingness with me. I blanked everything out. Took a breath and started to run again -- not knowing where I was running to -- not knowing why I was still alive. I could smell the stench of blood and sulphur. Feel the boiling heat. Hear the scrapping of claws against stone, and flesh.
"Lucifer," I mumbled.
I continued through the unending blackness, tripping and falling over what I only could assume were burnt corpses. Through tortured screams I could hear Dean calling for to me again and again. His voice was muffled, but I could still hear the disgust.
I wanted to call out to Dean, but I didn't dare, just ran and ran until my legs collapsed out from under me. I was shocked when I didn't hit solid ground. I was falling, falling down, sucked into a huge, black, empty hole -- a pit of despair. I didn't know how I knew, but I suddenly knew I was no longer alone. Other's were falling with me, bodies rushing past in silence. No pain. No agony.
"No! No!" I sobbed, feeling a couple of the bodies thump against me.
I was locked in my free fall. A graveyard of innocent people free falling with me -- forever.
"Gaw!" The horrible stench of death gagged me.
"Sammy!" A hand gripped tight to my shoulder, shaking hard.
"Ghrrrrrr!" My legs kicked out and I jolted awake.
Eyes wide, blinking rapidly, I swallowed the vomit that wanted to flood my mouth, looking around until I focused in on a face full of worry. I frowned, my foggy brain taking a minute to register who I was looking at.
"Dean," I panted, realizing I'd fallen asleep and was back inside the Impala.
"What was all that about?" he questioned.
"Dreaming, I guess." I gazed at his hand holding firm to my shoulder, and my lower lip began to tremble -- I turned, looking away.
"Catching myself some breakfast," Dean said.
Unable to speak, I gave a nod -- shivering -- when the heat of his hand slipped away.
"Want anything?" he asked softly.
I wanted a lot. I wanted a do over. I wanted to take every single day back. Starting with the day I'd buried my brother deep in the woods, using a couple of bug infested logs lashed together with rope -- the only marker indicating someone had lived and had died. Better yet -- I wanted to be born again -- demon blood free. Then none of this would ever have come to pass. Not Mom's death, Jess's, Dad's, mine, Dean's -- Lilith -- the world -- non of it.
I opened my mouth to say no, but Dean beat me to the punch, "You need to eat something."
"You go on," I said, biting my lip and turning to face him. "I'll be fine."
"Uhhuh," Dean muttered suspiciously. "Okay. I'll get mine to go." He took the keys from the ignition, stuffing them in his pocket. "Just wait here."
"Okay, Dean," I whispered, looking down at the floorboards, letting my bangs fall to cover my eyes that were starting to well again. He didn't even trust me to sit and wait in the car while he went to get pie.
There was a long pause before I heard the car door thunk shut. I waited until I felt his eyes leave me. Cautiously looking up, I watched Dean as he slowly walked across the parking lot and into the diner. He was hurting. For him and for me. I loved him. I never could say that with words, but God I loved him. Right here, now, and always. Even knowing how he felt about me -- didn't matter. I'd never lie to him again -- ever. But would I, could I ever gain his trust. I didn't know anything for crap. What I knew was -- I couldn't do this. Couldn't hunt anymore. With or without him. Couldn't sit in this seat day after day. Motel room after motel room. Diner after diner. I had something to learn. I didn't know what, but I had to learn it on my own. I had to find myself. Had to go back to a place where I could be me. My prayers weren't going through to God. Probably because they weren't even getting past my own unclean heart. I'd been living in a dark place for too long.
When I was little I used to talk to myself, because Dad and Dean were busy, and there was no one else around I could talk to. Because there was always so much whirling inside of me and I had to get it out somehow -- and getting it out always seemed to help. Maybe talking to myself away from everyone would help again. I closed my eyes, concentrating on breathing in and out. I'd make my break soon. Get as far away from Dean as I could. I owed everyone a new life…but I couldn't deliver that until I got me back -- until I found my way home.