Edward. Cullen. Is. A. Zebrafish.

For the GA crew, yo. You all said you'd read this…

The moment she saw him, she knew.

Bella Swan was perusing the tanks in her local aquarium, searching for the perfect pet. Charlie had been hinting that she should find something to occupy her free time, and make some friends, and Bella had figured that a pet would fit both categories. On the other hand, she didn't want something that would be too much effort to look after, or would cost a lot of money, which explained why she was currently wandering up and down the aisles looking at various fish.

After half an hour of fruitless searching, she was almost ready to give up. None of the fish were right. Their fins were too showy, or they had strange faces, or they were dead. Bella wondered if she should just buy a little bonsai tree instead.

But then she saw it.

There, in the corner of the shop, lurked a shadowed tank. It was almost entirely obscured from view by a thick pair of crimson velvet curtains. Bella was drawn to it, curious. What could possibly be hiding behind the drapes? A fish unlike any other? Some other kind of creature? Something frightening? A shark?

She reached the tank, pulled back the curtains with a flourish- and stared.

A small, black and white fish was sparkling in the water behind the glass. It was the most beautiful fish Bella had ever seen, with thick, coppery hair and liquid topaz eyes. The moment she saw it, her heart was no longer her own.

That zebrafish… she thought … I… I…

"Sir?" she shouted urgently for the shopkeeper, "how much is this fish? I must have it! It's so… so… wonderful! Oh!"

"Take it! Take it for free!" the shopkeeper screamed back. Bella was a little nonplussed by the terror in his voice, but soon forgot everything as she stared at her new pet. A strange feeling flooded through her, a sort of excitement, almost… lust. She'd never felt this way for anything before, human or animal, but this zebrafish, this sparkling, dazzling zebrafish with the soft amber eyes…

"You're a very dangerous pet," she muttered, "I'll have to be careful around you." Then she tucked the tank under her arm and exited the shop.

Later that evening, up in her room, Bella surveyed her purchase with satisfaction. The zebrafish darted from one side of the tank to the other, quick as lightning. It occurred to Bella that she ought to name her pet; she couldn't keep internally referring to it as 'the pretty fish'. So, after a painstaking trawl through the internet, she hit upon the perfect name.

Edward.

Smiling with delight, Bella went to tell 'Edward' the news.

"Guess what, darling?" she murmured, pressing her nose to the glass of the fish tank. "You've got a name! It's-"

She broke off suddenly.

There was blood in Edward's water.

"Edward… Edward, honey, how did that get there?" She fought to keep her voice even as her heart thudded in her chest. Was Edward injured somehow? No! He couldn't be! She'd only just met him, but she already knew she'd die for him! It was true love!

Edward the fish simply blinked at her, then did a quick somersault underwater, to show her that his whole body was unscathed. He already instinctively understood her. Bella felt her heartbeat slow slightly, although she was still a little jumpy.

"Maybe it's just dye from one of the tank ornaments… I'll take them out and change the water, then, shall I?" So saying, Bella set about her task. When she was done, it was getting late, so she changed into her night things and got ready for bed.

"Night-night, my love," she whispered to Edward the zebrafish, and climbed under the blankets, turning off the light.

That night, Bella had a peculiar dream. She was swimming in an azure ocean, on a beautiful day, and yet she felt inexplicable fear. There was something following her; she was certain of it. After swimming for some time, feeling the fear mount and mount until she could bear it no longer, she spun around in the water and turned to face her pursuer. Before she could see who (or what) it was, however, she was suddenly awoken by a sharp pain in the side of her neck.

"Ow! Holy crow, what the heck…?" muttered Bella, gingerly putting one hand to the skin. She gave a gasp of surprise as she touched something hot and wet, and she felt two small puncture marks. Sure enough, when she lifted her fingers away from the wound, they were covered in thick, red blood.

Had she been bitten by some sort of rodent in the night? An insect? Shaking, she tried to sit up, feeling fresh blood course down her pale neck and seep into her hair. The flow didn't lessen, even when Bella desperately pressed her bedsheets to it in a clumsy tourniquet. She tried to scream, but no sound escaped- she was now too weak to make a sound. The last thing she saw before she fainted back down onto the mattress was Edward the zebrafish watching her from his tank, swimming through red, red water.

On the other side of Forks town, Jacob Black was getting worried. Lately, everyone in his family had been coming down with a genetic disease, which could only mean one thing- one of the dreaded zebrafish was in town. The immortal zebrafish of death, which had decimated many a noble community over the centuries- all of those in Jacob's family had heard the legends, and knew the signs. If you were from the Quileute tribe and your IQ suddenly dropped radically overnight, a zebrafish was sure to be nearby.

What if Jacob was next? Dammit, he was a mechanic who liked to burst into poetry at random and suddenly talk like a forty year old man- what would he do if he was suddenly struck with the symptoms? He had his whole life ahead of him! He had-

At that moment, Jacob did indeed grow another chromosome, and that was that.

Edward the zebrafish ran a tongue over his pointy fangs as he finished partaking of Bella's blood. Her corpse was already cooling. Foolish girl. She'd been dead from the moment she'd chosen to bring a flying vampire zebrafish into her home. And now… now… now it was time for the real hunt to begin. The rest of Forks would fall in no time flat.

Edward tiptoed to the edge of Bella's pillow on his tail fins, then hopped down onto her carpet and headed toward the bedroom door. Flying was faster, yes, but he wanted to conserve as much energy as possible. He turned to look at the bed, feeling anticipation flutter in his stomach. Sure enough, Bella's corpse was shrinking, shrinking, growing scales. Edward sighed with pleasure. It was the only way. They would be together for eternity now, vampire zebrafish lovers until the end of time. Together, they would rule the world.

… … …

OMG!11 Wasn't that, lyk, soooo romantic?11 OMG I luff all the twilite ppl, specially Edward!11 He's soooooo kewt!1 I wanna hav his behbehs! Anywayz, plz R&R, cuz I wanna no wat every1 finks! Thx! =D