I can't claim the credit for this idea, as it is something I discovered by pure chance on the internet in a 4chan thread. Others writing did far more credit to the idea then mine, but I felt the need to attempt my own.
The idea itself is simple. What if Warhammer 40K characters appeared in our world, but were only as big as their minature models? Infantry was an inch tall, tanks about the size of a book, even the largest of Titans only the size of a van.
I chose some of the more "human" armies to do this with. Sorry Tyranid and Necron fans, none here. ... Yet. Who knows what the future brings? Both armies work best when they have the "OH FUCK!" factor in their favor. Also, no Dark Eldar. Sorry, but I can't get my mind into writing them. Again, yet.
As for Chaos .... sorry, but I only plan the Thousand Sons and Tzeentch. Couple of reasons for this. One, it means I only have to write for Ahriman. Makes my life easier. Two, it was either them, the guys who would try to RAPE anything that moves, the ones who would give me an STD just from looking at them, or the ones who would try to cut off my toes for the Blood God.
Humming to myself, backpack slung over one shoulder, I fumbled in my pocket for my keys, a grin plastered across my features. The place to myself, some new books, and a credit card. What more did a humble nerd need? ... Besides a girlfriend of course.
Shrugging off thoughts of my non existant love life, I felt the lock click, pushing the door open as I whistled softly. And like a bat out of hell came Bandit, the Malamute that had been my constant companion and buddy for three years. Darting through my legs, nearly bowling me over, he darted off into the bushes, ducking out of sight as I cursed after him.
"Goddamn dog! What did you do now!?"
Sighing, expecting the dog had made a mess of the living room or something and knowing he was about to get punished, I glared at the dog cowering in the bushes before shutting the door. He would start whining when he wanted back in, THEN he would get punished.
This first thing that hit me was the faint scent of smoke. Cursing, I quickly tossed my bookbag down, rushing into the living room. Shit, had someone knocked over those stupid candles my mom refused to get rid of!?
Now, a fire I could have dealt with. The smoke smell wasn't that bad, so it would probably just leave a bit of scorching and get me a nice, loud bitching session from my mom thanks to HER candles. Nothing I wasn't use to, nothing I couldn't handle.
What I FOUND was infinetly weirder.
There, right under my coffee table, were a bunch of inch high chicks in black and red armor, surrounded by vehicles gilted in gold with the same color scheme that didn't look much bigger then one of my paperbacks, each one garish, each one sporting some sort of weapon, be it a rather large gun or even larger flame throwers. They had formed up a semicircle around one of the table legs, vehicles set up around them in a manner much like the way wagons would circle in the days of the Wild West against indian attacks with the armor chicks ducking behind them, firing out with guns and, for some crazy ass reason, more flame throwers. Apparently I had a bunch of mini-pyro's in my living room.
What was worse were the thousands of green, equally tiny monsters around them. While bigger then the chicks and what would likely be bulging with muscles if they were my size (And probably making my crap my pants that this moment). Where the chicks had a uniform look to them, the green bastards were wearing anything and everything they could get their hands on it seems. Some were running around with little more then a loincloth and a tiny axe, others were practically PLATED in metal with a gun as big as one of the smaller greenies. Each had a look of brutal simplicity and stupidity about it ... and each one was screaming at the top of its lungs a cry of "WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!". They also had vehicles with them (Albeit it ones that looked like someone had dug through a trash bin, grabbed anything vaguely shiny, welded it together, and duck taped guns to it), rushing forward to get belted with bullets and fire from the chicks, running over their own in the process in a rush to get closer.
Now, I can handle a lot of things I like to think. Little truly suprises me anymore. But I don't think I can truly be blaimed for standing their, dumbfounded at the sight before me. How often does one see inch high people trying to kill eachother in the middle of your living room?
And so, I reacted like any sane person would in this situation.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?"
At once, all the fighting stopped, a thousand tiny heads shooting up to look at me. The chicks went dead silent, each one staring at me in fear and (god I hope I'm wrong about this) awe. The green ones .... well, they stared to, but each one stared almost slack jawed, muttering and shoving eachother.
And (to this moment, I still don't know what possesed this little bastard to try it), rushing out of this mass of green came the biggest of them, probably a good head and a half taller then all the others, covered in metal, little heads stuck on poles on its back, screaming "WAAAAAARGH!" and shooting at me. Now, judging from the marks and burns all over the floor around the chicks, these guys can't aim worth crap. Neither could this one it seems. But when your shooting at something that, to you, is the size of the Empire State Building, its kind of hard to miss.
And it fucking STUNG!
Jumping back when I felt a dozen bee stings on my chest, I heard a cry of "WAAAARGH!" get taken up by the other greenies, rushing forward in a tide, shooting at me wildly. And with them running at me, the chicks start shooting into their backs, screaming something along the lines of "FOR THEY EMPEROR!".
Now, needless to say, I was getting more confused by the second ... and more pissed off with each moment. I come home, expecting a nice quiet evening with some pizza and a good book, and what do I get? Shot at by a freaking inch high green army man! Well I wasn't going to take this shit anymore!
Raising my foot as the big one and its buddies got closer, screaming their warcry, I glared at the apparent leader as he said "Gorgutz gonna need a BIG pointy stick for ur ead!"
Dropping my foot down, I crunched him and about ten of his little buddies into the carpet with one heavy stomp.
Almost at once, the rest of the greenies stopped, looking up at me in horror, as if just realizing they were fighting something fifty times their size. But now I was pissed and I wasn't stopping. Stomping forward, I crushed more of the green scum suckers into the carpet, walking through them quite literally and leaving quite the trail in my wake.
Almost at once they turned and bolted, scattering out in the hallway, under any furniture they could find, behind the entertainment center, the bookcase, anywhere they could fit into. Tiny they may be, but the little fuckers were FAST. A cheer went up amongst the chicks, what sounded like hymns and prayers being sung as they raised flamerthrowers, guns, and ... oh please tell me those weren't tiny chainsaw swords.
Lifting up one of my tennis shoes, I scowled at them, brushing off tiny greenie bits (surprisingly? Not nearly as much blood as you'd expect. I could probably clean this mess up with the vaccum cleaner and a bit of carpet cleaner) as one of the chicks wearing somewhat gaudier and more ... flamey armor stepped forward, dropping to her knees and speaking in a soft voice I couldn't pick up over the sound of the others chanting.
Cursing, confused and annoyed beyond belief, I bent down, reaching out and scooping the armored chick up, much to the gasp and cries of her follows as I stood back up, holding her at face level.
Surprisingly, she seemed incredibly calm being in the grip of a hand that could probably snap her spine with a muscle twitch, looking up at me. In truth, she was an attractive woman, with a classical beauty about her and sharp eyes under a fringe of feathered white hair. A shame she was only the size of one of my fingers.
.... Christ that was sad. Finding a tiny girl attractive. I needed a girl BAD.
"Who. The. Hell. Are you people? And why are you trying to set my carpet on fire?"
Again, she was surprisingly calm for her position. I know if our roles were reversed I'd probably be crapping my pants at this moment. When she spoke, it was softly, yet her words carried easily on the air.
"Beneficent one, we merely wished to cleanse the xeno taint from your realm. "Suffer Not They Alien" (I swear I could hear her capitalize each word.) That is what you have taught us oh Emperor."
Emperor? Now what was THIS crap? "Look, I think you have me confused with someone else. There's no-"
"There is no mistake Oh Great God Emperor. (She was doing it again) "And His Fury Shall Fall Upon The Land And Woe To The Enemies Of Man". There is no doubt that you are our Immortal Emperor, returned to us once more."
Sighing in frustration, raising my free hand to rub my temples, I closed my eyes, trying to gather my thoughts. "And WHO are "us"?"
I felt the woman straightened and opened my hand, turning it so she could stand on my palm as I cracked my eyes open again to look at her. "We are the Sisters of Battle my lord, of they Order of Our Martyred Lady. We are yours to command."
"And your friends?"
A scowl pulled at the womans lips as she fingered a tiny, ornate pistol at her side, though for her it was bigger then any handgun I'd ever seen. The recoil could probably break your wrist on that beast. "Orks. Foul xeno scum. Fear not my lord, for we shall hunt them down and purge them all in your name!"
"No! No more goddamn flamethrowers in my house!" Tiny they may be, but I didn't want these pyro bitches setting my books on fire.
The woman flinched in my hand and I realized I must have come close to deafening the poor thing with her so small and this close. But she recovered quickly, looking up at me. "But My Lord, these xeno's-"
Shaking my head, I scowled. "Look, I'll handle the little rat bastards."
For a moment, the woman seemed torn between sorrow that she wasn't going to get to shoot more of the little things and eleation, like I had just made some great promise. "Then what shall we do my lord?"
For a moment, I was scared to ask. I KNEW I was going to regret this. But it had to be done. "Exactly ... how many more of you are there?"
"We have seen members of they Imperial Guard, Adeptus Mechanicus, and Raven Guard Space Marines within this sector, along with the foul forces of Chaos, along with other foul Xenos sullying your holy Empire."
All of this names meant nothing to me, but judging from what the chick said there were a LOT more of these little bastards running around my house. No wonder poor Bandit had been freaking out. Kneeling down, I sat her down gently, frowning. "Alright. Find the leaders ... ummm ...."
"Canoness Teresa My Lord."
"Teresa, sorry. Find the leaders and bring them here. NO KILLING ANYONE, GOT IT!?"
The woman bowed her head, rushing off to the others and giving out a flurry of orders. Sighing in frustration, I turned and went to the couch, falling down on it with a heavy thud, watching the greenies, Orks, run scurrying out from under it, either yelling or screaming "WAAARGH!" and trying to shot me. After swatting a few of the ones shooting at me, I grabbed one running, hearing it yelp as I picked it up and held it to eye level, its arms trapped at its side. It was straining and pretty strong for a little guy, but I kept it crushed in my hand.
"And you boys. Stop shooting at me or I'm going to start popping off heads."
"OY! PUT MEH DOWN YA PINKEH GIT!"
Thwacking it the face with my finger, I scowled. "Shut up."
Its answer was to howl and try to bite at me, earning another thwack in the face. After about three minutes and spitting out half a dozen teeth, it shut up, blood streaming from a broken nose. "Your in my house tiny. I'm the boss, you got it?"
The orc glared, but when I raised my finger menicingly it snapped its mouth shut, nodding quickly. "Oy! Youz da boss youz iz! Da biggest Warboss der iz!"
".... I'm glad we can agree." Dropping the thing back down at the carpet, I glared at it. "Now, tell your little buddies I hear one more of you little idiots shooting I'm going to introduce you to the lawn mower, got it?"
Now, I'm pretty sure the stupid thing had no idea what a Lawn Mower was, but the intent was clear enough. It quickly ran off, smacking smaller Orks upside the head and barking out half intelligble orders. Laying back, I closed my eyes with a sigh, reaching up to rub them again.
So much for relaxing.
I had just started to slip into a sort of quiet calm when I heard a soft cough from the coffee table. Cracking open my eyes, I turned my head slowly, looking towards it.
They had all divided themselves into little groups. The Canoness, Teresa, was standing with two of her fellow sisters, bowing when I looked at them. Next to them, nervously toying with a gauntlet with a pair of claws ala Wolverine was a man with a face lined with scars and the beginings of age, wearing a uniform covered with enough braid and medals to add fifteen pounds at least to him. Standing next to him was a man in a slightly less gaudy uniform with far more scars and a glare he was shooting off to the other groups that told me he was itching to grab that tiny pistol of his and start shooting, including the one standing next to HIM, a guy in simple robes, wearing a full face helmet and twitching from time to time like he was having a mild seizure, clutching tight to a staff as tall as he was even if he wasn't hunched over.
Slightly seperate but still marked as part of the same group was one decidely less human, a mix of men wearing robes and looking some the spawn of someone's ill concived fornification with a toaster, their bodies a mass of flesh and machine that must have been HELL to have put on. Each one was wearing red robes, each carrying a symbol of a skull and cog on them. These boys didn't even seem to blink, just eyeing me with red lenses and a gaze that left me feeling like they were trying to pick me apart with their eyes
Again slightly seperate were two men wearing heavy armor similar to the sisters, though much larger, stood with arms folded across their chest, their armor a midnight black with a white eagle on the shoulder guard. One was wearing a large backpack (that if I had to bet money was some sort of jet pack), with the other holding a banner aloft with the same design as the shoulder guards. The THIRD with them however was the strangest and what I could only describe as a metal box with stubby legs and arms that looked like it could be tipped over with a strong breeze (but I would bet testing this theroy was a bad idea). They to, didn't seem afraid, but were however ready, ready to fight or run the moment things got ugly.
And judging from the way that entire section was glaring at everyone else, I feared it might.
My little "buddies" the Orks were shoving and growling at eachother, the one I had smacked around earlier glaring at the others and brandashing a hammer with a head bigger then both their's (though about the size of a quarter to me). When he noticed me looking at him, he instantly shut up, as if expecting me to squash him to a pulp like his buddies earlier. It was still an option.
Sitting at the edge of the table, a spear resting across her lap, was a lithe figure of somewhat human proportions, all be it finer boned and of slighter frame. A conical helm rested by her side, a face both beautiful and alien gazing back at him. Again, I felt like I was being picked apart, that my every action was being judged and scrutinized. Next to her stood two obvious males of the species, one in dark robes and with a fearsome mask, the other with a heavy hood and a long rifle.
Not far from them, standing around the TV remote, was a man in some sort of mecha suit, testing and retesting a long barreled gattling weapon on its arm. Next to him stood a pale blue alien with a noseless face and a large staff, a rather ugly looking creature with a beak and quills holding a weapon that looked equal parts rifle and club on the other side.
The last group was perhaps the one that creeped me out the most. The apparent leader of this little group stood clutching a staff (Apparently everyone liked to have things besides guns except for mech boy), clad in blue armor like the other armor boys or the Sisters, though his helmet adding a good foot to his height. Despite the stupidity of his looks, I felt a shiver run up my spine looking at this guy, like he was smirking at me under that stupid helmet. The two silent men clad in similar armor next to him, holding guns and standing completly motionless only left me more uneasy.
Shaking it off, I scowled. Yeah, they were all packing, but I was still bigger then all of them put together. Worst came to worst, they would splat just like the Orks.
It was the Canoness that spoke first, her voice again soft. "Oh Benevolent Emperor, I have done as you have asked of me, though it brings me great shame to deal with the foul xenos and ...." A scowl was shot at the blue boys. "Heretics ..."
A silent rumble of agreement went up amongst the humans. Clearly they had a special place in their heart for Blue Boy, who didn't even flinch. Ignoring it, I pointed at the Army Boy first. "You. Name."
The soldier stiffened, fists twitching before standing straight. "General Vance Stubbs, 253rd Kaurava Regiment."
My finger switched to the metal heads. "You?"
"Magos Zeno Callonus of they Adeptus Mechanicus." The voice that came out from under that hood was flat, without tone or inflection, utterly mechanical.
My finger again jumped, this time to Armor Boy. "And you?"
"Kayvaan Shrike, Raven Guard." This one had no fear, no nerves in his voice, but it was different from Geller's. It wasn't cold, lifeless. Ice in his veins this one.
My finger darted to my little buddy next and I watched it flinch with a bit of amusement. "And you? Got a name smiley?"
The Ork glared, but my answering glare kept it from doing something to stupid. "Gorkip Skargrim Warboss!"
Again my finger switched, this time to the Elf Chick. "You?"
The Elf smiled enigmatically. "Farseer Macha, of the Biel-Tan Craftword. And before you ask, I am Eldar mon-keigh."
Now feeling a bit creeped out, I looked to the Mecha boys, pointing to the armored one. "And what's your name shiney?"
The blue one was the one that stepped forward, looking up at me. "My name is Shi'Ores great one, of the Tau cept." He gestured to one packing heat. "This is Shas'O Kais." He gestured to the spikey one next. "And Shaper Gorok."
Shaking my head, I finally pointed to blue boy. "And you?"
Again, I got the impression of someone smirking under that absurd helmet. "Ahriman. Of the Thousand Sons my Lord."
I got the feeling he was mocking me, but ignored it, looking back to the Canoness. "That everyone?"
The woman nodded, but a look of distaste crossed her face, as if being around these other races was nearly to much for her. She was itching to get to fighting. They all were. "Of Course my Lord." She glared at the Thousand Son, Ahriman, as if daring him to contridict her, but he said nothing, didn't even move.
"Alright, now. Lets start with something simple. What the fuck are you all doing in my house!?"
A dozen voices spoke at once, arguing, pointing fingers. Sighing, I rolled over, slamming my hand down on the table. "ONE AT A TIME!"
It was the Eldar chick who spoke as soon as the others were quieted. "I believe I can explain, or at least try." She slowly stood, holding her spear lightly, pointing it at Ahriman. "This fool was attempting a spell of great and destructive power that threatened the stability of the materium, the webway, everything. We were working a spell to counter his." She gestured with her spear, encompasing the rest of the little group of opposing forces. "But our battles interupted the two spells, causing them to counteract and combine in a way no one could have predictied. We were all drawn in to a hole in the warp that brought us here. Another place, another time, another world? I do not know for certain. But here we are."
Warp? Webway? I didn't understand a word of this crap. Sighing, I rested an arm over my eyes, shutting them tight. "And how do I get rid of you?"
"There is no way to acuretly recreate the spell. We could tear open another hole and return where we came .... or utterly annilate ourselves, you, and most certainly this entire world."
And shoving them into a box and burying them in the back yard, while tempting, didn't seem much of an option. Stomping the little Ork bastards had been one thing. Killing all of them? A bit more then my morality could handle. "So basically I'm stuck with the lot of you, huh?"
It was Shrike who spoke next, stepping forward and unsheathing claws like the General's, though much bigger and shinier, glaring at everyone not human. "We can always get rid of some of this retched scum."
Sighing, I slapped a hand down infront of him. "I don't want you little bastards tearing up my house. You all just shut up or get out. Simple as that."
The wolverine wannabe looked ready to rip my hand to shreds with those little claws of his, but then the walking trashcan spoke, voice booming despite its tiny size. "He is right Brother. As distasteful as it is, we are no longer within the gaze of the Emperor. We will remain vigilant, as is our duty, but until such time as we can find a way to return home, we must abide by the desires of the ruler of this land."
Now I was surprised. I hadn't expected any help, much less from the walking freezer. Slowly, one by one, grumbling agreements came from each faction, watching eachother warily but not willing to risk being turned to paste. Closing my eyes with a heavy sigh, I waved a hand idly. "Just don't tear up the place, got it? Otherwise I'm going to toss the lot of you in a blender."
One by one they all drifted off, until only the Eldar chick, Macha was left. Slowly standing, she studied me for a long moment, her eyes again seeming to pick me apart before I cracked them open, looking at her. "Our path is now yours to guide."
Before I could question her, she turned and bounded off the table, her buddies following her. Blinking at the space she vacated, I sighed softly, rubbing my eyes. What had I gotten into this time?
Hearing a yelp from down the hall, I scowled, sitting up. "DAMNIT! WHAT ARE YOU ASSHOLES DOING TO MY DOG!?"