It is important to note that Andy Stitzeris the name of the main character in the 40 Year Old Virgin.
It is also important to note that I do not own Twilight, etc.
Day 1: In which plans are changed.
I wasn't going to let it happen to me. Nope. I was not going to be like Andy Stitzer. I had a plan.
My best friend by elimination, Jake, had shown up at my house last night and made me watch that awful movie. Two unscheduled hours of my life wasted on inane dialogue and unintelligent humour. Jake knew how I felt about about sticking to my plan. Time is limited and it is important to make sure it is spent in the best, most profitable ways. Jake knew I didn't like spontaneity, so when he showed up at my house last night with a DVD and an insistent attitude, I waved Bob, my Blackberry, in his face and told him we were not hanging out until Sunday, which was the day and time we had agreed upon at the end of our last scheduled "hanging out." Jake ignored me, walked right in, put on the movie, and made himself comfortable on the couch.
Jake tried to pull me down on the couch with him, but I twisted away. If I was going to sit through this movie, I would make the minutes count by multi-tasking. I grabbed my homework before settling in next to him. To show him I did not appreciate him messing with my schedule, I pouted through the entire movie. I certainly did not laugh, not even when the movie was genuinely funny. I got less homework done than planned, and then had to explain to my Dad what Jake was grinning about when he came home halfway into the movie. Neither instance filled me with warm feelings for Jake.
The moment the credits were rolling I shoved Jake out the door and sent him on his way. He waved good-naturedly at me on his way to his car while I shouted after him that our original Sunday plans were cancelled. He just laughed, and his carefree attitude was annoying in the extreme. If I hadn't been best friends with Jake since we were five, I would have seriously been considering re-evaluating our friendship
I sighed in regret over the lost evening as I shut the door. Deciding that there wasn't any point in doing homework now, I headed up stairs to get ready for bed. The routine was comforting; I liked getting back into my schedule after the disrupted evening. And there was something calming about brushing my teeth. It was a necessary yet mindless process that left my brain free to do as it wished.
Tonight, it dwelled on that stupid movie.
Andy hadn't had a plan, and he'd wasted time. Wasted it until the very mention of sex made him feel awkward and uncomfortable. I had a plan. A plan that included graduating in a month, going to college, and getting a job that led to a career that would bring me financial stability. I would meet someone acceptable around the age of twenty-five. We would fall in love, get married at twenty-eight, and start a family at thirty. But nowhere in this plan had I factored in sex. I hadn't even thought of it. My plan was asexual.
And if I had learned anything from Andy it was that I needed to prepare for sex. I would need some experience before meeting the keeper man at twenty-five. My plan would need tweaking.
I grabbed Bob immediately when I entered my room and searched through the following month. The last month of grade twelve was full but next Sunday was now, thanks again to Jake, conspicuously empty. I took this as a sign. The Gods of scheduling were smiling down on me, for once, and I was not about to waste a prime opportunity. Drawing in a deep breath I punched in one small, three letter word that would change my life.
And so, here I was, Monday morning, and I knew I had to get to work on my plan. I had six days to convince a male to have sex with me, and no idea how to go about doing it. That is, I didn't have any idea how to go about convincing him, although I didn't really have any idea how to go about doing it either. A trip to the bookstore would definitely need to be scheduled for this week.
I'd managed to shave off some time allotted to 'shower' and 'breakfast' and was now in class fifteen minutes earlier than planned, staring a blank piece of paper in my English binder. My favourite pen was in my hand, and I was excited to start a list of acceptable males. But after two minutes of nibbling on the pencap, I was still drawing a blank.
Sure, we had cute guys, and nice guys, and even the dangerous mystery guys, but I didn't really want any of them to see me naked. And I certainly didn't want to see any of them naked.
I shuddered at the thought of that. I'd never seen a man naked. I wasn't sure I wanted to. Did you have to be naked to have sex? Going over everything mechanical detail that I had about sex in my head, I was pretty sure one didn't have to be naked. At the very least I wouldn't have to look at a guy's....well, at his....his thing. I could just...stare at the ceiling until it was where it was supposed to be.
Blushing furiously, I looked back down at the blank paper on my desk. The tip of the fountain pen just sat on the page, the dot of blue ink slowly getting larger and larger around it.
"Oh, just write !" I immediately regretted shouting at myself. It made me feel as if the walls were judging me.
I made my pen form the first letter that sprang to mind. And then another and another. But before I was five letters in, I found my hand furiously scratching out the almost-name.
"Argh!" I scratched harder and harder until I ripped a hole in the page and ruined the one beneath it as well. My face was burning at the idea of actually asking a person, a human, to have sex with me. The idea of opening myself up to...I mean, the idea of leaving myself vulnerable that way...to anyone...was repugnant, and I had no idea how other girls did this. Repeatedly.
I slammed my binder shut as people started entering the room, taking their seats and getting ready for class. My blush deepened as I immediately became sure that at least one of them could read my thoughts. But they all just went about their day as normal.
As class started I found myself looking around the room, staring at the faces of everyone, wondering. Had they had sex? When had they had sex? Why had no one ever approached me about sex? Did they know it wasn't in my plan? If I was sure that certain people had had sex, and certain people had not, did everyone know that I hadn't had sex? Could you just tell by looking at someone's face?
They probably could, because I could tell just from looking at Emmett McCarty's face that he'd had sex. The cocky grin, the mischeivous eyes, the sureness with which he carried himself. He had definitly had sex.
Oh God. Was Dad going to be able to tell that I'd engaged in fornication?
Calm down, Bella, you're getting ahead of yourself.
I didn't even have a list yet. I flipped to a new page in the binder. I was too hung up on the sex equals naked thing. Instead, I needed to make a list of males with whom I thought I could spend time. Ones that weren't obnoxious or idiotic.
For a brief second I contemplated writing down Jake's name but decided against it. He was my only real friend, and I didn't want to mess that up. It was scary enough that I wouldn't be able to put him in my luggage when I went off to college in September.
Ben. Ben Cheney. He was intelligent and not ugly, and I'd actually seen him read a book. His face didn't look like someone who'd had sex and that made me feel a little more comfortable.
I didn't talk to any of the guys at school. I didn't really talk to anyone at school. They were all busy having fun and I was busy with my plan.
My mortification grew as I, alphabetically, pictured all of the males in my grade. Most of these boys had known all my life, Forks didn't have many people come and go, and I was absolutely freaking out at the merest thought of seeing them undressed.
With each boy I rejected I became more determined to find someone to exercise this anxiety with. I did not want to be like this when I met someone worth seeing naked.
My mind was so consumed with thoughts of nudity that I didn't notice the bell ring until Emmett knocked me on the head with his backpack on the way out. I watched him as he exited the room. He had physics next, and Mr. Zegerchuck, the teacher, was always late.
I made a split-second decision, grabbed my things and chased after Emmett, hyperventilating a bit because I knew I was going to make myself late for algebra. I'd never been late for a class since...well, since moving here. It was going to be so embarrassing, but I had to do it. For the plan.
I caught up to Emmett just as he arrived outside the classroom. As I hoped, the door was locked and the lights were off, Mr. Zegerchuck was nowhere to be seen, and Emmett was leaning against the lockers talking with Jasper.
Jasper Whitlock was the most promiscuous person at Forks High. He was also known to have the dirtiest mouth of anyone who'd lived in Forks in the past seventeen years.
I hoped this would be a normal conversation for them, the type that I usually did my best to avoid over-hearing. Today seemed absolutely essential that I hear everything about sex that could come out of their mouths.
"-well, she pushed me against the wall and shoved her hand down my pants." Jasper was just finishing a sentence that did seem to be about their favourite subject. Thank god. Hopefully I wouldn't need to be too late to class.
"Yeah, but...Lauren? Really? Isn't she kind of over-used. I mean, you don't really know whats been there before you."
Hmm, that was interesting. I thought guys liked a girl with experience. The idea that they might like someone who wasn't quite as experienced, intrigued me.
"Well, I didn't plunge in bare." I almost turned around a left at that piece of imagery. I wanted information, not nightmares. "And besides," Jasper seemed a little defensive here. "Pussy is pussy, and I haven't noticed any lasting problems." Huh.
I took in a deep breath, turned around and raced down the hall. I glanced into my algebra class through the window in the door. They didn't appear to be too far into the lesson.
With my books clutched to my chest, I opened the door and scurried to my seat, doing my best to ignore the teacher's look of astonishment.
Once seated, I surreptitiously glanced around the room to make sure no one was looking at me. Then I flipped back to that first page in my English binder and stared at it. The blemish that took up two pages. The scratched out name that I couldn't even bare to think.
He had definitely had sex. And he was handsome, and nice, and the only boy to ever make me envy the other girls. The ones that went to dances, and flirted, and threw away all of their opportunities for growth. And the thought of him seeing me naked wasn't awful. Although, the thought of him naked was just as....disrupting, as any other male. I hadn't thought that I could ask him. I thought it would have to be someone just as virginal as I was. But, if what Jasper had said was true then...
Underneath the hole in the page I wrote down the two, useful, pieces of information I had gotten from Jasper.
1. Experience wasn't always preferred.
2. --Puss-- It was just sex. One girl was just as good as the next.
As I stared at the piece of paper, I formed a plan. A good, workable plan.
And then, of course, class slowed to a crawl and I couldn't pay attention to a single word that was said. All I could think about was my plan. The teacher could have been reading us next week's exam answers, and I wouldn't have noticed, because I was too caught up in planning how I would approach him in biology.
I spent the rest of algebra and all of English lit scribbling in my binder, trying to come up with a note I could pass him. I wrote the note again and again and again, but nothing seemed right. No note could encompass the dire need of the situation while still keeping the no-nonsense, business arrangement feel that I wanted this to have. But it wasn't exactly something I could just say in the middle of class.
Eventually, Lit ended and I had to scramble to get all my books together to get out of the classroom.
"Bella?" Ms. Yearwood's voice stopped me as I was about to exit the room.
"Yes?" I turned and looked at her, sure she had seen my notes and was going to ask me what was going on. I'd have to tell her the truth, and she would have to send me to the guidance counsellor. And the counsellor would insist I not do what I was doing and then my whole plan would be ruined. And if my plan was ruined then I would never have sex. And when I finally met the guy I could picture myself marrying he wouldn't want me because I was nothing but an awkward virgin who couldn't even think the word, let alone perform the act. My favourite teacher was going to ruin the rest of my life and then -
I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down. I didn't even know what she wanted.
"Are you feeling all right, dear? You seem a little frazzled, more so than usual."
"Ah -no, not frazzled. I'm fine...just fine." She was staring right at me. I needed this plan, she couldn't take it away from me.
I clutched my books tighter to me, protectively.
"Well, remember that you can always come and talk to me, if you need someone."
I nodded emphatically.
"And, try to relax at lunch, ok?" She added.
My eyes widened and a light bulb went off in my head. Lunch! Of course, that always came before biology, it was listed right there in Bob.
"Yes. Yes, of course. Oh, thank you Ms. Yearwood!" I ran out of the classroom and sprinted down the hallways to the cafeteria, not bothering to stop at my locker.
And so I found myself standing at the entrance to a room full of teenagers and food, my hair a mess, my backpack hanging off my shoulders oddly, and all of my books in my arms, staring at a table. At his table. I stood up straight, pushed my shoulders back and marched with purpose over to where he was sitting.
Edward, with his ginger hair, green eyes, and wonderfully symmetrical face, paused in his conversation with his sister, looked up at me and smiled in greeting.
"Bella, hey. Did we have an assignment?"
I couldn't blame him for asking, I usually spent my lunch times in the library, unless we had a biology assignment to finish.
As I took a moment to gather my thoughts, I nodded a greeting at his black-haired twin.
"No, we didn't. But I did have something important that I needed to ask you." I was proud that my voice was even and business-like. As if I were selling him something.
"May I talk to you for a moment?" He nodded and stood from the table, following me a short distance to an empty-ish portion of the cafeteria. I looked up into his face for a moment. Could I actually do this? I knew the words I wanted to say to him, but could I actually make myself say them?
The plan. I always had a plan and I knew this was a good one, I knew it was the right thing to do. I had to get over this, I didn't want to be Andy Stitzer, who could barely think the word 'sex' at the age of forty. I didn't want to die a virgin. And that was that.
"I was wondering if you would like to have sex with me?" He made no physical indication of his reaction to the question, so I carried on quickly. "I was just looking through my schedule and saw that I had Sunday evening free, around seven o'clock?"
A million thank yous to limona for making this as good as it is. I honestly think she should get co-author credit and not just beta.
Hope you enjoyed it.