DISCLAIMER: I do not, in any shape or form, own any of the wrestlers mentioned in this piece of fan fiction. James Storm, Robert Roode, and others are the property of Total Nonstop Action and Panda Energy. If I owned Beer Money, they would have the tag titles always, Storm would be my sexy pantsless drunken butler, and Roode would have to do something about that hair.
Summary: Storm is drunk. Shenanigans ensue. Roode gets pissed. Will be several chapters, hopefully.
Chapter 1: Storm wants to go to the zoo. Roode obliges. Chaos happens.
Warnings: Mediocre swearing, attempted public nudity.
Pairings: None, unless you count Storm/Beer as a pairing. And Roode/Puddle of Misery.
In a tall, glorious mansion, nestled on the fields of the outskirts of Orlando, Florida, there was a silence as the sun rose over the hills behind them.
Or at least, Robert Roode wished there was silence. As it was, he was awoken with a loud start from his king sized bed in the largest room in the house, by the other man taking up residence there.
"Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!"
Roode was awoken by the feeling of his bed moving up and down, and up and down, and up and down some more as the not so small James Storm jumped repeatedly on the foot of it with all the glee of a small child on Christmas.
He rolled out of his bed with a loud thump, groaning that he had been woken up at.. 7 AM? This was an off day! What was the large, beefy drunk on his bed doing, waking him up like this? And… what in the hell was that smell?"Damn it, James. Why do you smell like piss?"Storm's head sunk before he mumbled under his breathe, "… I had an accident, Bobby. But this ain't about that! You told me we were gonna go to the Zoo today! I wanna look at the bears, Bobby!"
Oh no. That was today. The drunken lug has been bothering them for weeks to take them to the Zoo, for only who knows what reasons, and out of pure unbridled rage he has promised that he would take them on Saturday. Which was today.
Storm gave him a goofy look from the foot of the bed where he had been sitting, mercifully giving him time to wake up.
"It's 7 in the morning, James. The Zoo does not open until 9. Get some breakfast and for God's sake, please take a shower. Then we will go to goddamn zoo, alright?"
Storm let out a childish whine and then took a drank from a beer, which he had seemingly pulled from nowhere. How had he done that? He stepped off the bed and began to head out the door, turning around to say something.
"We're gonna have so much fun today, Bobby! I haven't been to the zoo in forever. Oh, by the way, I broke that vase outside your room when I crashed into it with the Boozer Cruiser."
After that, he slammed the door with a loud bang, and Roode was pretty sure he heard something else shatter on the way out.
Damn it, that was the seventh one this week. He had no idea why Storm and Rhino weren't better friends.
Roode came out of the shower in his personal bathroom, fresh as a daisy and no longer smelling faintly like Storm Urine, and walked out to the kitchen to the smell of fresh breakfast.
"What's on the menu today, glorious personal chef?" he said, looking to the cooking area where the man he had hired was leaning over a pan.
"I'm doin' you an egg!" Chef Steiner yelled, before taking the fried eggs off the skillet and carrying them out to where Storm was already sitting at the table, having showered himself, yet still reeking of some sort of mixture of body odor and beer as he always did.
Storm grabbed the plate of eggs out of Chef Steiner's arms, taking his fork and shoveling the food into his mouth, barely taking time to chew. "We gudda git t'the zoo, Bubbeh!"
Robert stared at him, amazed at how much one man could eat in so little time, but then he remembered that this was Storm, the man who had once sleepwalked down a flight of stairs to wake up with half of a Cornish game hen in his mouth.
Still, this was his house that he had payed for, and he demanded manners. "Chew, James. We will get to the zoo eventually, so slow down before you vomit."
The drunk looked up with a smile and laughed, before taking a large swallow and speaking, "That's where your wrong, Bobby! I already vomited TWICE today! I'm two steps ahead of ya!"
Well, at least all the vomiting would keep him from getting any fatter.
The trip to the zoo itself in the limo was fairly uneventful itself, save for the fact that Storm had attempted to pull down his pants and wave his genitalia at a passing car full of young blonde woman, but this was normal occurrence.
They had managed to get into the zoo without James causing any sort of scene, so it had been a good day so far. Until Storm pulled out a beer."What the hell, Storm. You can't drink that in here, and where did you get it from?" Robert stared at him, trying to figure out where he could be pulling these bottles from, coming up blank."I'm gonna drink whenever I damn well please, Bobby! You gonna try to stop me?" Storm said, giving some kind of feral snarl in his direction. Well, that ended that discussion, "Now let's go look at the rhino exhibit first!" he said with childish glee, running off in the direction of the nearest cage.
Robert caught up with him, eventually, as he pointed and laughed at all the rhinos in their cages, making them look up and snort angrily at him, scaring the bajeezus out of the more sober man. "Look at that one, Bobby! Looks like it wants to eat me!"
That's when his closer inspection led to a discovery that the animal he was pointing at was not in fact a Rhino, but…
"Rhino?""Yeah, Bobby, we're looking at the rhinos! You retarded or something?'
"No, I mean that's Rhino! Our Rhino!"Rhino looked up from where he was munching on a handful of grass with a smile, waving to his fellow members of the TNA roster. "Hey, boys! What brings you to the zoo this fine morning."
"Hey, look, Bobby! That one thinks it's people!" Storm said, still not understanding that it was not a rhino, but Rhino, in the looked over through the bars to where the Man Beast was sitting, in his unexplainable brick wall spider web patterned tights, "Really, Rhino, I could ask you the same thing. I mean, what are you doing in the rhino exhibit at the zoo?"Rhino shrugged, swallowing down another handful of grass, "Hey, pay in TNA isn't exactly what it used to be when I was in WWE. I've got child support and vase insurance to pay. It's a decent living and they give me all the free grass I like."
Storm spoke up from where he had been idly taking a sip of his beer, finishing it off, "Why are ya talkin to that rhino, Bobby? It can't understand you! Watch this!" Storm took his empty bottle, throwing it through a gap in the cage bars, making a direct hit onto Rhino's head.
Rhino snarled, dropping his grass, "What the hell? Do you know who I am? I'm the man beast, Rhino! GORE! GORE! GORE!" Rhino let out a maniacal yell, running towards the bars nearest to them, goring into them, attempting to break free of his enclosure, exciting all the real rhinos while they were at it.
"Storm, you moron! We gotta get out of there!" Roode, said, turning around to where he assumed his friend would be. Instead, he found him already several feet away, in a full sprint. "You asshole!"
Roode chased after him, throughout the zoo, trying to get as far away from the rhino exhibit as possible. On the way through, they passed tons of things. Lions, zebras, the reptiles, and even one strange looking animal in a cage labeled "The Animal Batista", with a sign near it saying "Easily injured, do not touch."
Eventually, they ran out of breathe, stopping to take a breather by the open bear exhibit, feeling they'd gotten far enough away from the angry Manbeast for their own liking.
"Storm, why the hell would you do something stupid like that?" Robert said, glaring at the other man.
Storm shrugged, "It's what I do, Bobby. Oh, hey! Bears. My favorite." He leaned in to get a closer look at the bears, stumbling a bit in a drunken stupor.
Roode glared at him, "Can't you read? There is a big warning sign right there, telling you not to lean to far."
James laughed, "I'm fine, I'm not a clumsy oaf like you! I got the grace of a swaaaAAAN!", the last word was punctuated by him tripping over an acorn that had fallen onto the ground, tumbling into the bear exhibit some 10 feet below, luckily landing safely on his ass."Ouch, my butt.", he said, standing up, only to freeze right in his place, as several very angry bears were awoken from their sleep. "Oh, damn."
Roode started hyperventilating. He had to get the dumb ass out of there now, before he tried to fight one of them. He needed to go get someone, but if he went and got someone, that would mean taking his eyes off of Storm, which was always a very bad idea.
Storm flailed around, trying to get out of the exhibit, trying to crawl up the flat wall to no avail. Eventually, he found a high enough tree to hide in for the time being, scouting out his options for an escape, before seeing.. Was that really fat bear wearing a singlet?
"… Harris, you fat ass! How have you been?"
Chris Harris snarled, clawing up at his former tag team partner, as intent on killing him as any of the real bears were. Storm let out a girly shriek, attempting to climb the safety of his tree even further as the bears surrounded him.
"Don't hurt me, Braden! I thought yer knock-knock jokes were funny, really!"
Roode, meanwhile, was still looking for something to save his tag team partner with, while Storm's shrieks fueled him even further into a panic.
"Help me, Bobby! I'm too young to die! I'm only 34!.. 32... 31. Yeah, 31 sounds young enough. I mean, uh, HELP ME!!!"
Robert ignored the sounds of his partner trying to lie about his age, trying to think of some way to provide a diversion from the bears (and Harris) swiping up at him. He had to throw something else in there. Something meaty, that nobody would miss.
It was at that second, that Jeremy Borash walked by. Without so much as a second though, Roode grabbed him, tossing him into the bear cage at the far end away from Storm, while the TNA backstage interviewer screamed bloody murder, eyes bugging out of his skull.
The bears looked up from where they were surrounded James, staring at the bug eyed Borash, moving slowly towards him. Borash screamed, yelling for his life, "This is JB in the cage, and I'M GONNA DIE!"
Roode screamed down at Storm, throwing him a nearby rope. "Climb you idiot, CLIMB!"
Storm clung to the rope, sobbing like a little girl, as Roode pulled up as hard as he could, straining with all his might to pull up all of the weight that was Storm. Only one bear remained near him, and it wasn't so much a bear as Fat Chris Harris in a Singlet, clawing up at the slowly rising man. Harris latched on to his leg, chewing madly, and James yelled out, pulling a bottle out of nowhere and smashing it on his former tag team partners head, breaking out into a laugh as Roode finally managed to pull him back over the barrier.
"Hey, fatso! Sorry 'bout yer damn luck!"
Robert sighed as Storm collapsed into a heap after being lifted over the small wall. A small force of security had gathered by them, staring in awe at everything that had just happened as the screams of Borash echoed throughout the entire enclosure. The largest of the men came up and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Sir, you and your friend are going to have to leave. We can't allow people to be stressing the bears out like that. One of them has been getting really fat lately as is.."He lifted his friend up, leaning him onto his shoulder, "Don't worry sir, we'll be on our way now. I think I've had enough of the zoo for today."
He dragged Storm out, the older man stumbling and laughing all the way, "Hah! We gotta do things together more often, Bobby! That was a blast…"
"Blow me, Storm."
END CHAPTER 1