*A.N. Sorry for the long period before another update :/ My laptop decided to take its last breath a few weeks ago :( so I now have a new one I got for Christmas :) Anyways a happy new year to you all and I hope you had a great xmas ;) Here is an exceptionally sad chapter...
And so you know for the people who didn't get a preview (some did some didn't) it was because of the laptop crash, will not happen again :)
With or Without you – U2 really, this is my song for the whole story, but it applied especially to this chapter *
Emmett had the phone passed back to me and Charlie was saying things to me but I didn't really understand; a sort of numbness was setting in. Edward, Edward who had declared himself mine was in a coma and now I didn't have a choice to hurt him because it had been done for me by him being in an accident of all things. Immense guilt washed over me as I stood there. I had wanted him to pay for the pain he had caused me but now I'd go through it all again just to protect the loss of Edward's life; I wasn't done with him in my life yet.
I'm not stupid, I'm not one of those people who believe that issues can be ignored and if you love someone everything else doesn't matter. Especially when everything between Edward and I was so horrendous, such a treacherous past to have with each other, such a mess of life.
No one could ever understand how I loved and hated Edward equally and felt pleasure when he was hurt but despair at the same time. This was the first time I had felt no pleasure, not one ounce. I just wanted to see him and make him okay and then the whole joke of my revenge and masochistic existence could continue in the much more harmonious way it previously had.
This was literally the most ironic happening of my entire life. Irony a word of perfection here simply because I had gotten what I wanted then realised that it wasn't quite what I had wanted.
Everyone was rushing to the car. I could hear consistent wailing from Rosalie and Alice and part of me wanted to comfort them but the other part felt too hypocritical to approach. I just put on a stare of neutrality and miraculously it seemed to be pulled off as a state of shock. I guess that's probably what it was any way; I had no way of knowing. I was sitting at the left hand side in the back of the car. I felt so alone.
I had the distinct feeling that their partners were there and the one who had been becoming mine, partially in my own mind but certainly in all of theirs was so hugely missing from the picture. The fact that he just wasn't with me while they curled themselves around each other with worry made the whole situation tenser, and a lot more uncomfortable. Rosalie rubbed my arm for some reason, Emmett stared straight ahead but had some odd inclination to touch my hand, just press his hand over mine briefly for a second or so. Alice was teary but she remembered me and turned to look at me, just acknowledging that she expected I was in pain too. Jasper was at the wheel but I knew he thought of me, because that was just Jasper, he appreciated how everyone around him felt rather than just his immediates such as Alice. It was like a big joke gone wrong, how could this be the outcome, how could it all end like this. It couldn't... life couldn't be so cruel and indifferent to me, could it?
I cried silently as they spoke and cried loudly, when I'm upset I retreat to be by myself - something I learned when I was younger; I didn't take much sympathy from others. I looked out the window as we travelled the hour long journey to the hospital. I felt impatient – I wanted to tell Jasper to begin speeding down the highway. All of my doubt over the feelings I had for Edward was gone. I loved him so obviously, so clearly in my mind now. It felt like a part would be cut out of me if Edward was gone, he had been what my life revolved around for so long and had my feelings for Edward been even a little less stronger than love then I wouldn't have second thoughts about revenge, I wouldn't have kissed him, I wouldn't have let my heart rule my head. My mind was always fighting and I felt exhausted with it.
We reached the hospital to find Carlisle had called ahead and put his influence on to the situation. We were all allowed to see Edward; I had been cited as his long term girl friend.
The Doctor explained he had been in a coma since he had been found. His brain activity was good though, so there was hope of his full recovery. But with comas you could never be completely sure. He also told us his hands were a wreck; he had most probably been in a fight before the crash. Well that was the jist of it at least. That gave me food for thought but, in all honesty, my head was spinning so much that it was hard to focus on this information.
We walked into his room, I was last in and I heard the gasps from the others before I reached his serene face. He was as pale as ever, if not paler. Not a scratch covered his face but there was a dressing around the top of his head, particularly padded at the back of his head. One of his hands had a dressing around it, the other a cast. They all stayed back accept Alice and me who seemed to walk right up to him without even thinking. I never gave a second glance to anyone else, I could see Alice in my peripheral vision but I was focused on Edward, my Edward. The warm tears fell but I was silent, I touched his cheek ever so lightly; His soft skin was warm and inviting. I brushed my lips against his cheek and then rested my forehead on the top his arm. I heard noises before I realised it was my own sorrow that was expressing itself so loudly. Even now while I hated him I knew I couldn't live without him, it was all such a mess, and now he had to make it worse, to complicate everything and get himself hurt. I stood up and trailed a finger down his arm to his bandaged hand. His beautifully constructed fingers were a mess, they were swollen and lying in an odd formation, palm downwards. I lifted his hand gently and turned it over to see if it was still there, just to check he was the same person who had done so much to me. Right enough, there was the scar.
Flashback from chapter one memory...
I saw Edward's face contort, for a second I thought his eyes had turned red with anger and in under a second he had torn the sharp piece of glass across his palm in such a quick motion I had no time to close my eyes in protection of what would come next.
I saw the dripping scarlet liquid and felt the familiar light-headed feeling, my head lolled right back and a soft "ahhh," came from my mouth as I felt bile rise up my throat, I managed to swallow it but I couldn't keep the closing of my eyes, the shutdown of my mind, and I soon descended into blackness.
The one that had dripped blood and had once knocked me out. It had been the last face I had seen of Edward Cullen before I left Forks; I had a scar in my emotional mind because of it and he had a scar on his hand, we were some pair. It wouldn't be easy and it wouldn't be perfect but I was ready to live a life with Edward full of lies and mistrust. Seeing him now, remembering my past so vividly, and still loving him made me sure of it.
I leaned forward and almost pressed my lips to his ear. "Edward, I need you to be okay for me, I need you to be selfless for one time in your entire life, I need you to put me before yourself for once and I need you to..." I was trying to hold in the cries which I could feel building in my throat at the intensity and pain of the situation i was now in, one I never could have been prepared for. I finished my sentence to him: "And I need you to wake the fuck up." I placed a kiss on his pale, porcelain cheek and snapped out of the trance which had taken me since the opening of the hospital room door.
I glanced up at his family to realise they were whispering, as if not wanting to disturb me. I gave them a saddened look, and Emmett nodded his head as I retreated from the beautiful body of Edward. He was like a fallen angel. I cursed the tubes that covered him and prayed they would be out of him soon because he'd be up and well again, he'd be perfect again.
Emmett put his hand out and touched Edward's arm, as gentle as I'd only ever seen him with Rosalie. He closed his eyes and said sorry. He told him he was sorry he had treated him so harshly for what he'd done because he was a good guy now, he was changing his life, and he was a stupid hypocrite for acting like he was better than him. He begged him to be okay, to open his eyes and I watched Edward's features, searching for some understanding of Emmett's words in them but there wasn't one sign that he had even heard what had been said to him. Alice stepped forward and put her head on Emmett's chest. It was the first time I'd seen them act properly like brother and sister rather than just friends.
"He was finally sorting things out," she sniffed, "and this happens." She broke down on his chest. We all left them alone in the room with their brother.
Hours later Carlisle and Esme arrived. They were practical, they were parents, but they were even worse than they had been when Emmett had been hurt. Esme's face was the perfect picture of sorrow. Esme ignored everyone but her immediate family and practically tore into her son's room. I could hear her cries from sitting on the chairs outside the door with Jasper and Rosalie. None of us looking at each other. We couldn't bare it; to hear a mother cry like that, reduced so pathetically to a blubbering wreck just forced the reality of the situation on top of me. I excused myself and walked briskly to the nearest toilet.
I pushed the lid down and sat on top of it. Put my head in my hands and sobbed for all I was worth, I wondered if it was even possible to stop for a while because every time I stopped I'd see a picture of his blank unaffected face in front of my eyes and the confusion that my brain felt just threw me into another set of tears. He was a sick little boy but he, to all eyes, was becoming an amazing man, my man. I was so unsure now of what I really thought of him.
My fingers curled around themselves, pushing harder and harder together with my growing frustration at reality. He had to wake up; I was attempting to delude myself into believing that it was impossible he wouldn't. He was my drug, I was addicted and I couldn't go cold turkey like this, not so unexpectedly. I don't even know how I'd survive.
Practicalities became important as the shock finished settling into everyone. Carlisle had booked a room in the hospitals family hotel so if there was change in Edward's condition they would know straight away. We were told to go back to the lake house for the night even though Alice and Emmett begged to stay at the hotel. Edward would be transferred to Forks hospital in a couple of days if there was no change in his condition. It was so surreal that I truly felt I would wake up from a dream anytime. I spent the rest of the day in a daze. I didn't eat a thing and no one noticed because conversations were short and disjointed with their thoughts so fully on Edward. I only seemed to listen to something which related to Edward.
When it was time for bed I snuck into Edward's room and I did something undeniably intrusive. I opened his drawers and looked at his things, to see who the Edward I was getting to know really was. I imagined what the items would look like on him. How they would bring out his eyes and compliment his skin tone. I strummed my fingers across his guitar strings imagining his long fingers playing interacting patterns along them and creating harmony. I flicked through his reading collection which wasn't unsimilar to my own and I looked through his music collection. Many were blank discs with words scrawled across them in black pen, some unreadable, only abbreviations.
The majority of them were exceptionally dusty and I tried one of the older ones. 'Ed, beeth. 12yrs'.
The stereo had to be turned down very low but it was unmistakably the sounds of Beethoven's reverie. He fumbled a few times according to my memory but nonetheless showed unmistakable talent at the age of 12. It was odd to think the Edward I knew at that point was playing symphonies which were keeping me sane at that point. Music was always my outlet.
I flicked through the discs again and noticed a three year gap. From the time he broke up with Tanya and one which had been made recently, in fact it had been made probably a couple of days ago. It only stated his age on it and the letters B.S on it which in other circumstances would have been funny because either it was my song or it was bullshit.
My hands shook as I put this disk in the stereo and realised that it was the full version Edward had once mentioned, it was my song but it had guitar in it, it had been altered on the computer and compiled with different instruments, the only thing it didn't have was words but it made it all the more perfect.
Again tears were unstoppable and I crawled weakly onto his bed coiling myself into his sheets, cuddling his pillow tightly to me and inhaling his scent, realising that revenge had finally done it. It had finally completely ruined my life.
*A.N. AWWWWWWW BELLA! Nothing ever goes right for you my dear :( Tell me your thoughts please by REVIEWING and receive a little preview :)* xx