Bare Naked Time Travel
Chapter 1: Drunken Magenkyo Madness (or this one time, when drinking with Sasuke and Kakashi...)
Disclaimer: Naruto Belongs to Kishimoto
Author's Notes: I'm being silly again… and trying to escape talks of politics.
Naruto Uzumaki groaned loudly as he pushed himself up, his face palmed against his cheek as he slowly made note of his current situation. Clothes? Nope. In his house? Nu uh. Forehead protector and bits still attached? Yup, ok, everything important was good to go.
Groaning again as he could feel the hangover begin to fade, he grunted softly as he looked around him, frowning slightly. "Ugh, that's the last time I let Anko and Granny convince me to go drinking with them." He paused a moment, before chuckling slightly. "At least until the next time."
Stretching out, the 23 year old ninja let out an amused yawn and a rueful chuckle as he lightly scratched at his side. "Huh, Training Ground 44, huh? Anko musta been feeling silly."
It was then, he got a very… troubling sensation. The fox was amused. That was never good. Sighing in resignation, the man grumbled slightly before crossing his feet and journeying back into his mind.
"Oi, what's so damned funny, ya little furry bastard?" Naruto looked at the steel bars of the fox's prison, and glared down at the little cub that was all that was left of the once mighty Kyuubi.
"Oh, shut up, brat!" The voice squeaked out, the fox actually sticking its tongue out at him as it huffed slightly in its pen. "It's bad enough you've stolen most of my power…"
"I prefer to think of it as it being a charitable donation to the restoration of Konoha for the damage you did…" He paused a moment, before grinning back at the fox. "And, you're a dirty little old bastard of a voyeur."
"Only because I can't DO anything anymore!" The disturbingly cute little nine tailed kit protested immediately before grinning wickedly up at the boy. "Oh, by the way… you're in a spectacular situation now. One of the most amusing I've EVER come across in fact!"
"Right." Naruto drawled, lightly sticking his pinky into his ear and wiggling it about. "What's so damned amusing about my waking up naked in the Forest of Death for the what… twentieth time now?"
With a silent grin the fox gestured to a scene unfolding in the back of the cage, the bar, with himself, Anko, and Tsunade drinking and carrying on, only to be joined by.. Kakashi and Sasuke? Suddenly, Naruto could feel a horrible tingle of trepidation surging through him. Looking down incredulously at the fox for a moment, he then stared up at the scene. "They didn't."
"Ohoho! But they did!" The fox was positively gleeful as it nodded its head watching as the boy leaned up against the bars and stared in fascinated horror as he watched himself and his friends grow progressively more and more drunk, until finally…
"Ah hah! I have you now!" And with that, the fox lunged forward, starting at Naruto and immediately clamped its powerful jaws down onto his waiting prey, grinning in triumph as his little mouth grabbed hold of Naruto's pants leg.
"Bad fox." Naruto said absently, a rolled up newspaper materializing in his hand as he lightly bapped the miniature demon on its nose, causing it to yelp lightly as it immediately released his clothes. "Bad! Sit!"
Plopping reflexively down on its haunches, the fox glared up at the boy with a light pout. "Never shoulda let you take that Inuzuka class on obedience training."
"Yeah, yeah." Naruto noted absently, as he watched himself get into a drunken argument with his former team mate and former instructor, that could be quickly summed up by Sasuke's drunken declaration.
"We… can zzzoo shendin time back shomeone through!" The black haired Uchiha declared. "Rightz Kakazi?"
"Name'sh Kakachi, not Kakazi!" The silver haired jounin hiccupped back. "Und… I dun sheee why not!"
"Shee!?" Sasuke grinned triumphantly at his blonde friend.
"Believes it… wun Ah sheez it." Naruto's own drunken voice came back.
"Fine! Lezh prove et!" The Uchiha shot back. "Rody Kazika?"
"Kakabi!" The jounin insisted even as he pulled up his protector to reveal his blood red sharingan eye, which quickly shifted into its Magenkyo form.
Next to him. Sasuke's eyes did the same, and suddenly the air seemed to distort around Naruto. And then, with a pop, the blonde man simply vanished… leaving behind a pile of clothes to occupy his seat.
"Shee!? We did it!" Sasuke said proudly, before collapsing unconscious at the bar.
"Yeah… but where'd you send him?" Kakashi asked before he himself passed out.
Glancing over at the two, Anko got a sudden, wicked gleam in her eyes. "Lightweightsh… I'll have… ta… ta… teach em a lesson!"
"Huh… I wonder how I could see all that even after I vanished," Naruto paused, before shrugging a bit as he face-faulted lightly, "So… I got sent back in time…"
"Naked!" The Kyuubi pointed out with a highly amused grin.
"Bare naked," Naruto agreed, unable to deny that fact. "Because my friends got drunk and goaded me into challenging them into proving their ability to send someone back in time?"
"Yup!" Kyuubi grinned happily as its nine tails swayed back and forth.
"Hmm… I wonder how far back I've gone?" Lightly tapping his lower lip he looked over at the fox. "I suppose I should go and vanish, isolating myself from the rest of the world in order to allow the time line to maintain itself and lead back to the one I came from."
"That would be the responsible choice." Kyuubi nodded, still grinning brightly.
"Yes, and as Hokage, I really am supposed to set an example for responsible behavior." Naruto responded with a sage nod of his head.
"Yup, yup, you do wear the big hat." The kitsune agreed, nodding its head as its grin never once abated.
"Really is a shame then, that I've always been horrible at doing the smart, responsible thing, isn't it?" Naruto grinned back at the extremely happy looking fox. "And besides…. I need a vacation, all that damned paper work!"
"… you usually just have a bunch of shadow clones go through it while you're slacking off."
"Yes, but I still get the memories from doing it all!" Naruto immediately protested. "And just think… if I've gone back early enough, I can get my younger self the harem I always wanted!"
"You mean the harem you have back where you come from?" The Kyuubi smirked slightly at that, watching his ever amusing jailor.
"Yes yes, but think of all the frustration I could be working through if I got it started earlier!" He paused a moment, before grinning down at the fox. "And think of all the entertainment!"
"Well, yes." The fox eagerly admitted with a quick, happy nod of its head. "There is that."
"I'm glad we had this discussion fox, you've proven you're more than just a lecherous old demon offering up advice on the best way to liven up my sex life!" And with that, Naruto grinned back at the fox and quickly popped into the real world.
"Oh, this should be entertaining!" The fox settled down on a plush pillow, a bowl of popcorn materializing in front of it as it settled in and began to watch.
A short transformation later and the man at least appeared to be wearing clothing, a mix of orange, black and red that actually resembled being stylish. Before he was practically bouncing out of the Forest of Death. After a moment's pause, he considered, lightly stroking his chin again. "Hrm… Better put up a disguise… yes, a disguise would be perfect!"
After a moment's consideration, there was a flash, as again the man transformed himself, as this time, Naruto was replaced by the figure of a grown up Gaara, sans tattoo and with hair the same color as Temari's. Pursing his lips, a suddenly quite frightening grin blossomed on his face. Even more so, for those who knew Gaara himself.
"Ok… first stop, the Academy!" Cackling softly to himself, Naruto bounced across the rooftops of Konoha, eagerly bounding towards the Konoha ninja academy.
Naruto blinked and stared in absolute shock at the sight in front of him. There he was, in all his small glory, glaring at Iruka-sensei the day before his final attempt at graduating the ninja academy. "Over 10 years?! Oi, when I get my hands on those two!"
A soft cough was issued behind him, causing the man to look over his head at a familiar pair of ANBU ninja, standing firmly over him. A grin of recognition flashing across his face, he waved at the pair. "Tenzo! Yuugao! What's up?"
For a moment, frozen silence reigned in the air as the pair of ANBU glanced at one another, before leveling looks at the man, while the man spoke up first. "I'm afraid you have us at a disadvantage… And considering we have no idea who you are… or how you got into the village…"
"Well, I am in disguise." Naruto responded with a serious nod of his head. "Had a bit too much to drink last night, and my friends… well they decided it would be amusing for me to wake up naked in training ground 44."
The pair paused a moment, before the violet haired masked woman spoke up. "Anko?"
"Anko." Naruto nodded sagely. "And a few others. But I suppose I really should go talk to the old man. Got a few things that I need to tell him and well…" He paused a moment and grinned sheepishly. "I'm afraid Its kinda hush hush you know."
"Old man…?" Tenzo repeated for a moment, staring at the man in front of him. "You can't mean…"
"Old man Hokage of course!" Naruto grinned at the pair a moment, before winking at them. "See you at the tower!"
And then in a blink, the man was gone, leaving a very confused pair of ANBU looking at one another. Recovering first, Tenzo glanced at his partner. "Not it."
"Dammit." Yuugao growled softly. "I hate writing the reports for people crazy enough to go drinking with Anko."
-The Hokage Tower-
"Honorable Hokage-sama!" Naruto's outraged voice suddenly startled Hiruzen Sarutobi's attention away from his Icha Icha. "You're supposed to be setting an example for our young ninja! How can you be reading that… that… Ooooh is that an advance copy?"
"Hey!" The old man growled slightly as his book vanished from his hands and into the grasp of an unfamiliar blonde haired ninja. "Who are you and what're you doing here?"
"Hmm? Did you say something?" The man looked up with a lazy eye in an incredibly accurate portrayal of Kakashi.
"Who are you?" The man repeated as he rose to his feet, his body tensed and ready. "What're you doing here?"
"Naruto Uzumaki-Namizaki." The man responded with a cheerful voice. "And I'm here, because I got into a drunken argument about the possibility of sending someone back in time with a pair of idiots with Magenkyo sharingans."
"You look nothing like Naruto-kun." The man said flatly as he glared back at the man.
"Well, of course I don't." Naruto looked back at the man incredulously. "I would hardly be in disguise if I looked anything like I normally do. Come on old man, I know you're not THAT old."
"Then drop the disguise." The man said flatly.
"Are you sure you want me to do that?" Naruto asked carefully.
"I said yes didn't I?"
"I said YES!"
"Ok!" The grin was quite familiar as it flashed across the alien face, as suddenly with a puff of smoke, a 23 year old Naruto appeared completely in the buff. "Well, you did ask for it."
"Gaaaah!" Immediately making a warding gesture the Hokage glared at the boy. "You could have warned me!"
"Well, I did… Oh wait." He paused slightly tapping his lower lip. "I forgot to mention I was also drinking with Anko and Granny Tsunade."
"You were drinking with Anko AND Tsunade?" Sarutobi stared at the boy now.
"Well, yeah." Naruto nodded with a shrug. "I'm the only one that can keep up with them, and seeing as how I don't really care when Anko drops me off in the buff…"
"No, that's more than enough information, thank you." Sarutobi waved his hand and growled softly before pressing his intercom. "Kotetsu, bring me a pair of pants."
"32 inch." Naruto added helpfully, as he grinned back at the old man. "I do try to keep my figure."
"32 inch pants." The man corrected before sighing slightly as he glanced at the man in front of him. "I don't suppose you have any proof as to who you are?"
"Well, tomorrow, I, my younger self that is," Naruto explained with a casual grin on his lips. "Will fail the academy exam for the third time in a row."
"Oh, Naruto-kun." The Hokage sighed slightly as he palmed his face.
"Hey, you're the one that's trying to make a demon container create a damned illusion clone in order to graduate." Naruto immediately protested. "Do you know how damned impossible it is to produce that little chakra?"
Blinking a moment, the old man looked at the man in front of him, and shrugged slightly. "No, I don't."
Twitching just a bit, Naruto grumbled as he glared at the man. "For anyone with a beast over four tails in them, it is." He paused a moment, and scratched his chin. "That does remind me, I need to track down the rest of them before Akatsuki… I'd rather it not be just me, Gaara and Kirabi left when the dust settles this time."
"I'm going to assume that made sense to you?" Sarutobi chuckled softly as he glanced at the visibly plotting young man.
"Of course!" Naruto nodded, "Anyway, as I was saying, I try, I fail, that bastard Mizuki tricks me into stealing the Forbidden Scroll, I learn the shadow clone technique from it. Iruka finds me, I find out about the fox, I get recognized by Iruka… I beat the snot out of Mizuki." He paused a moment, before shaking his head. "A right bastard that one. Working for the Snake Bastard."
Sarutobi froze slightly before carefully studying the man in front of him. "I'm going to assume you mean Orochimaru?"
"Yup!" Naruto nodded sagely, before fixing the man with a light glare. "You went and let him kill you. Do you know how much that screwed up Konohamaru? First you, then three years later Asuma goes and gets himself killed. Eesh."
"Couldn't you have found a better way of telling me that?" Sarutobi asked with a bland tone of voice as he looked at the naked blonde in front of him.
"Probably," Naruto agreed with a shrug. "But, why? Better to just get it out of the way and what not. Anyway, that does remind me… You and Itachi really fucked up with Sasuke." Ignoring the widening eyes Naruto gestured lightly in the man's direction. "Itachi's little reverse psychology ploy? Backfired, big time."
Grumbling a bit, the man traced a faint scar along his chest. "And oh boy, did Orochimaru and Madara capitalize on it." Shaking his head he pinched the bridge of his nose before fixing Sarutobi with a look. "Bring Itachi in. I already know what Akatsuki is up to. Make the truth behind the Uchiha massacre known, and we might just be able to salvage something out of all of this. Sasuke shouldn't have to kill the one person who loved him more than anything else."
"How the hell do you know all this?!" Sarutobi stared in absolute shock at the man in front of him who grinned back at him as he ran his fingers through his blonde hair.
"Well, you see old man…" The man grinned brightly as he pointed to the hat resting on the desk. "Remember how I always told you I'd get your hat someday?" He grinned even brighter as he took a casual sweeping bow. "Konoha's seventh Hokage, at your service!" Pausing a moment, he lightly tapped his lip. "That does remind me, I need to deal with Danzo so that scheming fucker never becomes the sixth."
"PLEASE tell me you're joking about that." Sarutobi said with pleading eyes as he stared at the blonde in front of him, grinning back at him with his mother's eyes.
"Hmmm? What, don't think I could be Hokage?!" Naruto sniffed slightly before grumbling. "Geez, I was taking down S-Class nin at 15!"
"I was referring to Danzo becoming Hokage actually." Sarutobi responded with a slightly dry tone. "I never doubted that you'd become Hokage."
"Like father like son, neh?" Naruto waggled his brows back at the man before looking seriously at the man. "Konoha came under attack by a member of Akatsuki with the Rinnegan. Danzo held back his forces while Granny Tsunade struggled to keep everyone alive. Konoha was destroyed, but most everyone survived in the end. When Granny fell into a coma from chakra exhaustion, Danzo took advantage to get himself named Hokage in her place." Naruto paused a moment, before his fingers clenched slightly. "What most people didn't know, was that he was partly responsible for that Akatsuki member attacking Konoha to begin with."
"Naruto… Is anything in your life ever simple?" Sarutobi slumped back into his seat and glared lightly at the boy as a knock on the door came. "Enter!"
"Your… pants, Sir." The nervous chunin spoke up as he stared at the stark naked blonde man standing casually in front of the Hokage.
"Thanks!" Naruto answered as he pulled the pants out of the gawking man's hands and slipped them quickly on. Seeing the absolutely stunned reaction, the blonde shrugged slightly and answered the unspoken question. "Drinking with Anko."
"Ah." The chunin immediately nodded in understanding before he glanced at the Hokage. "Anything else I can do for you, Sir?"
"A damned notebook, and a lot of sake." The Hokage grumbled slightly. "And, you never saw him, understand?"
"Saw who, Sir?" The chunin responded easily before darting back out the door and shutting it behind him.
"Good man." Naruto nodded with a grin. "Wonderful administrator, even if he is a mediocre ninja."
"Why do you think I keep him mainly assigned to administrative duties?" Sarutobi shot back before grumbling a bit. "One question."
"Only one?" Naruto actually pouted at that. "Damn, I must be losing my touch."
"Well, too many to count, but one I really need an answer for." Sarutobi responded. "How the hell did they get Tsunade-chan to come back to the village, let alone take up the position of Hokage?"
Grinning back at the man, Naruto lifted up a very familiar necklace dangling from his neck. "She lost a bet."
Sarutobi stared at the man for a long, hard moment, before leaning back and laughing out loud.
"Yeah, pretty much." Naruto grinned softly as his eyes grew distant for a moment. "Then, she made the best bet she could have."
"Tsunade made a good bet?" Sarutobi stared at the boy, incredulously.
"Yup! She bet on me!"
"Ah, the only sure thing not even her luck can foul up." Sarutobi chuckled softly before shaking his head a bit. "So, what are you planning on doing?"
"Well, seeing as how the only shot I've got at getting home rests with Itachi, or Madara…" Naruto paused a moment, lightly tapping his lower lip. "And honestly, I'd rather not have to deal with Madara, the guy gives me the creeps."
"Uchiha, yeah, he's still around and kicking. Founded Akatsuki even. Was the Mizukage for a while. Is pulling the strings of the current one…" He paused a moment before snapping his fingers. "Ooooh that reminds me! In a couple of months a bridge builder named Tazuna is going to request an escort mission. Its miss classed, but it needs to be taken." He paused a moment, before stroking his chin. "Oooh, I wonder if I could get Zabuza and Haku to join Konoha!"
"Zabuza…?" Sarutobi looked at the man in a growing look of shock. "As in the…"
"Demon of the Mist?" Naruto nodded with a slight grin. "Yup! He turned out to be not that bad of a guy in the end. I'd kinda like to save him and his apprentice if I could. Haku was really a sweet kid."
"I'm going to need lots and lots of sake," the Hokage muttered lightly under his breath.
"Probably." Naruto agreed with a grin. " Don't worry I'll help you write it all down, then we can figure out how to manipulate events to have the most fun."
"Fun…?" Sarutobi stared at the man again before pinching lightly at the bridge of his nose. "Naruto…"
"Yes, fun," The blonde nodded back to the older man. "Things got too dark the way they went in my past. People turned traitor, good people died. And a lot of shit I intend to stop." He paused a moment, before grinning brightly. "Plus, I gotta set up a nice sized harem for my younger self." Lightly tapping his lower lip, he grinned brightly. "Oh, and I need to set up a new one for myself!"
"Harem, Naruto-kun?" Sarutobi twitched slightly. "Still ambitious as ever I see."
"Well, you know how much energy I've had since I was a kid?" Naruto grinned back at the old man. "Imagine 10 years later, and with a sex drive to match." He paused a moment before grinning broadly. "Plus, it really makes for far superior research than Ero-sennin's."
"You know Jiraiya-kun then?" Sarutobi grinned back at the boy as he made note of the book in the boy's grasp.
"Yeah." For a brief moment a look of sadness crossed the young man's face. "I was apprenticed under him for 3 years, before he died."
"I… See…" Sarutobi winced slightly as he saw the boy's reaction. "Then, I take it you knew…?"
"That he was my god father?" Naruto smiled slightly. "I found out eventually, Gamabunta let slip that the reason he didn't let old Ero-sennin summon him very often was because he didn't stick around to take care of me like the old toad thought he should."
"You don't need to make excuses for him, old man." Naruto smiled softly as he shook his head. "I understood why he did it. And in the end, he was there for me when I needed it in the end." He grinned slightly and winked at the old man. "Besides… I got my revenge on him. I became a better Sage and a better author of smut than he ever was."
"Oi, Naruto…" Sarutobi sighed slightly as he palmed his face.
"What can I say?" Naruto laughed lightly and shrugged softly. "Anyway… Let the situation with Naruto and Mizuki play out. Act as if my stealing the scroll was a crime, alert people, etc etc etc… That should get Iruka to come find me and set me on the right path."
"You want me to allow a 12 year old not even genin to learn a forbidden technique?"
"The first time I use it in a combat situation, I'll make hundreds of clones without breaking a sweat." Naruto shot back with a grin. "What do you think?"
"All right. Let's talk about all this, shall we?" Sarutobi paused a moment, before looking at the boy. "And we need a name for you if you're going to stick around."
"How about… Hiruzen?" Naruto offered with an innocent grin.
Sarutobi merely glared back at the boy in response.
"Now we just need to have you tested for your rank." Sarutobi said with a slight smirk as he grinned over at where Naruto was now decked out in his more typical orange black and red. "If you think you're up to it hmmm?"
"Can't you just give me a jounin rank assigned to a perpetual mission under the office of the Kage?" Naruto whined slightly and grumbled just a bit. "I don't really want to… Wait, can I be tested against Kakashi, Anko and Kurenai?"
"Why do I suddenly feel an sense of impending doom?" Sarutobi noted dryly.
"Because you're finally getting an inkling of the fact that I plan to be hanging out with Anko?" Naruto offered with a sweet smile. "And hell, I might even end up in bed with her!"
"Oh, sweet Kami…" The Hokage actually whimpered at the thought.
"But, who knows." Naruto shrugged and grinned back at the man. "She's just as likely to decide to try and kill me as sleep with me."
"One can only hope." Sarutobi responded honestly. The thought of this Naruto, and Anko? It was a nightmare and a half.
"Oh, and I'll take an apartment in my younger self's building." Naruto noted, "I can get an advance to get some proper clothes and supplies before I'm tested, yes?"
"Whatever you say, 'Hiruzen.'" The third admitted dryly. "Though, you might want to think about doing something about your appearance."
"Nah," Naruto waved it off with a grin. "I'll just say I'm Hiruzen Uzumaki. Can put it off as a clan trait on the male side of things."
"You do realize that will cause a number of… questions to be asked, don't you?"
"So? Let em ask. You really think they'd believe the truth?" Naruto laughed softly, his eyes sparkling. "Well, at least not until I've turned their world upside down a few dozen times."
"And I thought you were trouble enough as a boy." Sarutobi look at Uzumaki and chuckled just a bit. "Well, at least I won't be bored."
"Oh, I'm sure you'll be missing the old, boring days soon enough old man." The blonde grinned before walking up and suddenly giving the Hokage a firm hug. "It's good to see you again."
"Well, I suppose it's good to be seen." The man agreed with a light smile on his lips. "Now, take this to the chunin on duty and go take care of things."
"Gotcha, old man."
Naruto 'Hiruzen' Uzumaki, man of many titles and nicknames lounged boredly against the wall of Training Ground 44's tower. It was the morning of the Academy graduation, and he was waiting, dressed in his usual compliment of orange, black and red. A situation he was more than familiar with, considering just who it was he was waiting on.
"Told ya, old man." The younger Hiruzen told the older, a cheeky grin on his face as he glanced out at the two Kunoichi warily eying him across the room. "Though, I can hardly complain considering the company you've provided."
"So I gathered." The Hokage noted, chuckling slightly as he watched the look of annoyance cross Kurenai's face, matched by a look of speculation in Anko's. "Now remember Anko-chan, no dragging him off and having your way with him until after the test."
The purple haired kunoichi glared up at the old man, sticking her tongue out in his direction as her arms crossed underneath her chest. "Please, I've got better taste than that."
"Well, can't argue with her there." The blonde haired man shot back as he gave an exaggerated look up and down Anko. "She does have good taste, especially in clothes."
The woman in question growled slightly before she threw a kunai directly at the blonde haired man, who with a cheerful grin caught it, before making a flicking motion and it seemed to vanish as she heard a thud behind her. Blinking slightly Anko slowly and carefully looked over her shoulder, to see her own kunai embedded in the wall, along with the disturbing hole in her coat. Glancing down then, she noticed a matching hole in her skirt, and an alien brush of cool sensation in a slit somewhere she really shouldn't.
Blushing furiously, she immediately pulled her coat closed in front her and glared at the man. "Pervert!"
"Ah, but my dear Anko-chan, I have not yet begun to perv upon you." He called back, cheerfully smiling at her as he casually strolled over, ignoring the murderous look in her eyes and the visible amusement on Kurenai's face as he casually ran his finger along her jaw. "But, if you'd like, I'm sure I could be convinced to."
Anko's mouth worked open and shut for a few, long moments before being roused from her stupor by a suddenly laughing Kurenai. "Oh, my… Looks like you've met your match, hmm, Anko-chan?"
"Kurenai…" Anko growled slightly, forgetting all about Hiruzen for a moment as she sent a spike of Killer Intent at her friend, before blinking as a winking blonde popped up behind Kurenai, and was whispering loud enough to be heard in her ear.
"Now, now… That wasn't very nice, was it Nai-chan?" The man casually twirled a finger against one of the woman's messy curls, while his voice almost purred upon her ear. "One might think… you enjoyed seeing her… all flustered."
The Hokage himself almost laughed at the scene as both kunoichi blushed a brilliant shade of red while the blonde merely grinned, a sunny smile back at them. "Now, now, Hiruzen…"
"What?" The blonde shot back, and grinned up at the man. "I've got needs, old man." He paused a moment, before shrugging a bit. "Not like they could actually keep up with me."
"Hey!" Anko blinked then scowled at the man. "A little full of yourself, aren't you?"
"No, not really." The blonde Hiruzen grinned at her and winked. "And I'll be happy to prove it."
"Anko-chan." Sarutobi spoke up, as he looked down at the seething kunoichi. "You've heard about the exploits of Naruto Uzumaki?"
"Yeah, this hot shot looks like him." Anko shot out as she glared at grinning man.
"Imagine all that energy and stamina, plus 10 years worth of extra training and experience." The Uzumaki now named Hiruzen grinned at the woman as he pointedly waggled his brows. "Plus, a very detailed knowledge of how to manipulate the female anatomy."
"Great, another would be Jiraiya." Anko countered with a flat look directed at the seemingly lecherous man..
"Would be Jiraiya?" Hiruzen snorted in amusement as he grinned at the woman. "Please, I surpassed that ero-sennin years ago."
"Hiruzen…" Sarutobi chuckled softly.
"Yes, Hiruzen?" Uzumaki responded cheerfully.
"Remember, best to save some surprises."
"Just some?" A twinkle lit up in those brilliant blue eyes. "Does this mean I can open up most of my delightful box of tricks?"
Sighing softly, the old Hokage stared down at the smiling young man. "You're going to be the death of me, I swear."
"But, you'll go out with a smile on your face, and laughter on your lips!"
"I was kind of hoping for the smile, on a nice, comfortable bed, surrounded by my family, knowing that my village is in good hands." Sarutobi countered again.
"Well, me, personally?" Hiruzen stroked his chin for a moment before winking at the old man, "In a bed, a smile on my face, right at the peak of orgasm, surrounded by beautiful women."
"Must you always one up me, Uzumaki?" Sarutobi glared slightly as he pouted at the younger man who merely grinned back as he suddenly popped out six shadow clones.
"Someone's gotta keep you on your toes!" The blonde man held laughter in his eyes before he turned his attention back to the wary women. "Now, boys? You know what to do!"
"BANZAAAAAAI!" The clones yelled as the suddenly swept down upon the startled women.
"Hey! THE TEST HASN'T-! Ooooooooooh!" Anko's scream of protest descended into a melting moan of pleasure as the clones proceeded to inflict their attack upon the two women.
"Mwahahahaha!" Hiruzen Uzumaki cackled slightly as he watched the two women quickly reduced to melted puddles of bliss. "Fear my ultimate attack!" He looked up at the slightly drooling Hokage and sent him a wink. "For the general public, the Nirvana Massage!"
"And privately?" The Hokage asked, his lips quirked in amusement.
"Oh, sweet Kami on a stick, don't stop!" Kurenai was writhing, madly back against the clones, her eyes glazed as a line of drool fell down the corner of her mouth.
"One of numerous variations of what Nai-chan just said." The Uzumaki man responded with a sage, firm nod.
"You do realize they're going to try and kill you for being so familiar with them once they get out of it, don't you?" The Hokage casually glanced over at the drooling mouths of the two melting women.
"Of course." Hiruzen Uzumaki agreed, nodding his head happily. "Where would the fun be if they weren't?"
"You're an odd, odd boy, Uzumaki-kun." The elder and current Hokage shook his head with a rueful chuckle. "How did you ever manage to convince them to…?"
Jumping up, the man looked one way then the other before leaning in to whisper into the old man's ear. "I kinda… sorta… wiped Iwa off the map."
"Wiped Iwa off the map?" The Hokage slowly arched a brow as he answered in that same hushed tone.
"Yeah, I kinda wish I'd been to see old man Tsuchikage's face when the Finger of God was forming." Hiruzen stroked his chin lightly before shrugging and grinning at the man. "They made the mistake of trying to start up a war because my heritage came out." He paused a moment, before shrugging slightly. "In the end? Well…" He pushed his fingers down onto nearby rail and made a rubbing motion. "There's a reason I call the technique: Finger of God."
"How? Iwa is the a fortress!" Sarutobi gaped at the young man, who shrugged slightly in response then grinned.
"Sage Technique, plus Wind Elemental Manipulation, plus a number of shadow clones working together." The man grinned, a bit sadly for a moment, before shrugging slightly. "No one was dumb enough to start anything with us after that."
"I… can see why they would make you Hokage for that." The older man admitted as he stared at casually shrugging man with a look of awe in his eyes.
"Hey, I earned the title 'The Hurricane Sage,' old man." Shrugging slightly he turned his head, glancing at were the two women were now completely supported by the clones. "No where near as neat and clean as Dad was, but… I left a more lasting impression."
"You aren't planning on going out and wiping out any other…" Hiruzen Sarutobi paused a moment, before carefully amending his statement as he continued. "Any other, MAJOR villages, are you?"
"Nah…" The blonde waved his hand dismissively before grinning a bit. "I was, however, planning on turning the Village Hidden in Sound, into the Village that is a massive crater."
"Naturally." Sarutobi nodded his head and smiled at the man. "How do you plan on approaching that anyway?"
"I'm going to send a clone to slowly drive the snake bastard insane."
"That's how I'm going to approach it." Hiruzen paused a moment, before grinning viciously as he rubbed his hands together. "Oh, and I'm going to kidnap Kin and Tayuya... heh heh heh..."
"Do I even want to know?" Sarutobi sighed slightly as he looked at the younger man with a slight twitch of his lips. "On second thought, I probably need to."
"Gifts for my younger self." The Uzumaki responded with an innocent little grin on his face as he stretched out, then glanced over towards where both woman had practically dissolved into a pair of puddles. "You know how it is..."
As the current Hokage sighed slightly, lightly palming his face in exasperation, the time displaced Uzumaki grinned back at him before suddenly forming a Rasengan in each hand. Sending a wink at the older man, Hiruzen then tossed one of the glowing spheres of chakra into the air, before summoning up a third. As Sarutobi's eyes practically bugged out of his eye sockets, he couldn't help but stare incredulously as the man proceeded to, of all things, juggle three rasengans.
"... You do realize that should be, theoretically at least, impossible, yes?" The Hokage idly made a note to have his sake stores over stocked in the future.
"Eh, since when has that term ever applied to me, huh, old man?" Hiruzen winked at the man, before focusing on his juggling.
Triple stocked, yes, that would definitely be best, triple stocked. The Hokage idly wished he had a warm glass of it right now. Still, he couldn't help but smile as he watched the pure contented amusement that danced across the grown up form of the boy he'd been watching for the last 12 years.
"Yo, sorry I'm late, but you see there was..." Kakashi spoke up with a lazy smile as he appeared in the tower, before blinking in shock as he stared at the pair of women who had been reduced to quivering puddles of sweet, moaning flesh. "Started without...?"
His words were cut off, as suddenly he found himself frantically dodging a frighteningly familiar attack speeding towards him. A Rasengan, only... Thrown? Blinking wide as he watched it eat a hole in the tower wall, Kakashi turned his head to stare incredulously at the young blonde quickly forming another of the chakra attacks before adding it to the other two he was juggling next to the Hokage.
"Ah, Kakashi-kun." Sarutobi was grinning at him. Not the friendly, favorite grandfather grin either. No, it was the vicious, 'There's a reason I'm known as the God of Shinobi and I'm about to show you' grin that he hadn't seen in nearly 12 years. "So... Good of you to join us."
"... I'm in trouble, aren't I." A nervous bead of sweat dripped slightly down the back of Kakashi's neck as he stared up at the Hokage.
"Now, whatever would give you that idea?" Sparkling blue eyes, the same shade as Kakashi's sensei had danced in amusement as the blonde figure continued to so carelessly juggle the three swirling spheres of destruction. Other than appearing to be several years younger than the man had been, the figure's face and eyes were rounder, a bit larger than his teacher's had been, the hair a bit thicker. And the three marks on each cheek brought to mind the kyuubi container.
"It might have been the smile." The Hokage admitted as he grinned sheepishly over at the young man next to him. "But, its been so long since I got to use it..."
"Oh, I completely understand." Nodding his head sagely he glanced over towards an increasingly nervous looking Kakashi. "It's always the small things that matter the most."
"Um, Hokage-sama?" Kakashi spoke up tentatively. "Might I ask why I'm here?"
"Well, you could." The Hokage responded nodding as he took a puff from his pipe.
"Or, you could, ya know... Look underneath the underneath." Hiruzen offered with a beaming grin at the man.
"... You wanted to rib me and tease me, and now that you're done, you're going to send me home and leave me be?" Kakashi offered hopefully.
"... Man, you really suck at practicing what you preach, don't you?" Hiruzen sighed slightly before shrugging a bit. "Ah well, might as well get this underway, huh old man?"
"Yes, yes..." The Hokage nodded with a slight smirk, before coughing as he nodded his head towards Kurenai and Anko. "The girls though?"
"Eh, I'll stop as soon as the match starts. "
"Right." Sarutobi nodded his head before smirking slightly towards Kakashi. "Oh, Kakashi?"
"Hmm?" The man blinked slightly as he looked up at the Hokage.
"You'll really want to take this seriously." And with that mysterious sentiment, and before Kakashi could fully react, he continued. "Begin."
The clones immediately dispersed from their positions massaging the limp muscles of Anko and Kurenai, causing Hiruzen's lips to twitch for a moment before he sent a wink at Kakashi and suddenly where one of him stood, there were 30 identical copies. Those 30 clones immediately scattered about the arena ground, causing Kakashi to immediately begin to twitch.
"Those were shadow clones, weren't they." Kakashi's eye never left the original Hiruzen who simply grinned back at him, letting off a happy whistle. With a sigh, Kakashi reached up, and moved to lift his forehead protector. "Well, Hokage-sama did say I should take this…"
What else he might've said was cut off as Kakashi was suddenly propelled forward by an intense strike from behind. A move he himself had known, and even employed on occasion on an unruly genin or 12. "THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!!!!"
He would not scream, he would not scream, he would not scream….
It was then he heard the sound of flame consuming an exploding tag.
"AIEEEEE!!!!!" Ok, screw it, he was screaming!
Freezing, Kakashi slowly and carefully glanced down at him pants, before twitching at the vivid green paint that now covered his rear, just before he smacked face first back down on the ground.
"You know, Kakashi-kun, you really should be more careful about what you eat." The Hokage called out, innocently enough as looked at the bewildered jounin.
Slowly getting up and dusting himself off, Kakashi turned his head and glared at the nearest Hiruzen clone. "You evil little…"
"Hey!" The clone immediately protested. "Nothing little about me!"
"There will be by the time I'm done with you!" A furious female voice could be heard, as a hail of kunai sailed at clones.
Anko Mitarashi was pissed. No, not just pissed, she had been imbued with a spirit of righteous fury! This little punk had DARED to not only one up her, but he had put his hands on her! She was gonna have his balls for a hacky sack!
"Hmm… I think she's a bit upset." One of the clones noted sagely before it vanished in a puff of smoke under the barrage.
"She's not the only one." Where Anko was an exploding volcanoe of fury, Kurenai was a spike of glacial fury as she glared back at an amused looking Hiruzen while she took a position next to Kakashi.
What shocked the three, was the widening grin that appeared on the clones' faces as they nodded as one. When Kakashi simply stared at the younger man, he couldn't help but speak up incredulously. "You know we're going to kill you, right?"
"You're going to try." The blonde agreed with a grin as he pulled his forehead protector down in front of his eyes, and an unseen clone in the distance vanished in a puff of smoke. "And I'm gonna have fun!"
"What, you think you're gonna fuckin' mock us?!" Anko was growing steadily more and more pissed off as she clenched her teeth, even more kunai popping into her hands as she glared back at the man.
"Well, if you want me to." Hiruzen responded amicably as he grinned directly in her direction. "But, honestly? I fight better this way."
"A blind fighter?" That almost intrigued Kakashi, well, it would have, if their opponent hadn't already assaulted him with that humiliating technique and used a paint tag on him.
"Something like that." Hiruzen affirmed, grinning broadly back at the man before shifting into a stance that made the Hokage's eyes widen in recognition. "Shall we begin then?"
Hiruzen was grinning even broader close to an hour later, his body covered in dust, dirt, blood, paint and sweat. Scrapes and bruises covered his exposed flesh as he continued to unerringly face the group of his opponents despite the semi blindfold he wore. His opponents however, varied in their conditions.
Kurenai was glaring at him with an absolute loathing, her dress in tatters around her as cuts and scrapes. Her unruly black hair was mattered with sweat and dirt. It was the bright, brilliant pink paint, splattered across her body, that stood out the most however.
Kakashi had long since abandoned his sharingan. The chakra drain simply wasn't worth the extended amount of time the match had taken. Still, he couldn't help but grin slightly underneath his mask. As much as he was absolutely loathe to admit it, he'd been having fun. It'd been over 10 years since the last time he'd simply enjoyed himself in a match, and if nothing else, this Hiruzen knew how to have fun.
The final member of the trio? Anko was grinning like a madwoman. Oh, she wanted him dead, that was for sure, he'd pissed her off more than enough to earn that fate. But, damned if the bastard didn't have stamina!
"Mmm... so, had enough yet?" Hiruzen was grinning slightly as he shifted body apparently almost bored despite his dirtied, bruised, and battered form. "You guys are a bit low on charka."
"If we are, where does that put you?" Kakashi pointed out, studying the man in front of them warily. He was still too confidant, too cocky.
"Well, let's see... Hrm... I divided that much, regenerated that much... Um carry the two, plus that... Hmm..." Hiruzen cupped his chin, apparently deep in thought before grinning back at Kakashi and suddenly there were over a hundred copies of the man surrounding them. "I'd say it puts me at a step above, damned troublesome."
"I think it's safe to say that he qualifies for the jounin rank?" The Hokage's voice spoke up, a touch of amusement in his words as he watched the trio stare almost fearfully around them.
"Awww... but I wanted to string Kakashi up by his boxers and fly him like a flag!" Hiruzen almost pouted as he looked at the Hokage.
"... I vote we continue until we reach that conclusion." Anko offered, snickering at Kakashi. "Or we string the bastard up instead."
"I agree with the Hokage." Kakashi responded quickly, a thin trickle of sweat falling down the back of his neck.
"I vote we castrate the fucker." Kurenai growled slightly as she glared at the grinning clones.
"Hey, Cyclops." Anko spoke up cheerfully as she glanced over at Kakashi.
"When did Nai-chan start stealing my role as psycho bitch?"
"I think it was around the time Hiruzen did that henge of you and her."
"Ah." Anko nodded sagely before grinning at her red eyed friend. "It was a good show. Brings back memories."
"It was once, I was drunk and desperate." Kurenai growled back. "NEVER again!"
"Bah, you're no fun." Hiruzen snickered softly before suddenly popping up next to Anko and slinging an arm around her shoulder. "Come on, Anko-chan, I'll treat you to sake and dango."
"You do realize, if you don't remove your arm, I'm going to cut your dick off and feed it to you, right?" Anko shot back, a leering smile curling happily on her lips.
"No, you're going to try, then I'm going to get you drunk out of your mind, you'll probably violate me in another way entirely, then we'll repeat as necessary." Hiruzen shot back cheerfully as he snatched the kunai out of her hand. "So, shall we?"
"... You owe me a lot of fucking sake AND dango, you smug bastard." The woman growled back even as she shook free of his arm and stalked away.
"... You're a strange, strange, suicidal man, Hiruzan-san." Kakashi noted before his eye crinkled in a smile. "But, more fun than I've had in a while."
"... I will get you for this." Kurenai growled as she glared at the man. "Some day, some how, I WILL get you for this."
As the pair of jounin disappeared an instant later, Hiruzen popped up next to the amused looking Hokage, and lifted his forehead protector long enough to send the man a wink, with a golden toad eye, before chasing after Anko.
Author's Notes: Ya know, all the time travel fics out there seem to be so somber, using the kyuubi to go back in time or some other grandiose method. I thought it'd be more amusing to have him accidentally sent back in time by drunken Magenkyo wielders. Now that he's there… He doesn't have a grand driving plan, other than to get his younger self laid and possibly save a few friends along the way.
Oh, and get laid himself by the hot women that were too old for him when he was a kid. Can't forget that.