'To Have Loved and Lost'


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DISCLAIMER: Twilight characters and related likeness owned by Stephenie Meyer, Little Brown Publishing. No profits have been received in the production of this piece.

A/N: Thanks for the advice Hetto, Purso and Spill. Hetto, I only posted this because of you. IFLY bb xoxo

--- --- ---

You are Fifteen, and I am Thirteen.

I wonder what you would think of me if you knew I watched you, door slightly ajar, as you share with my sisters as if you are alone. Your face never reveals a trace of anything other than indifference in my presence, and I doubt you know I exist at all.

You are cold and speak with a spiteful tongue and yet you allow me these glimpses, confidant your words are for only their ears. The guise of your weekly study sessions provides your cover and I can tell you look forward to this almost as much as I do.

Rachel makes a comment and you allow yourself to smile. It's so close to a laugh that I hold my breath. Laughter is rarity you occasionally afford yourself and a sight to behold for one lucky enough to witness it. It fills your eyes with a spark that intrigues me. It is almost as if it's dangerous, that it is a weakness which, once exposed, will have dire consequences.

Just the thought fills me with sadness for you.

Your monotone voice occasionally flickers with emotion as you indulge with your confidants, comfortable in your surroundings. I know that I can share in your news, your thoughts, your everything- but I am nothing to you. You have Sam and a social standing that puts you above the people I stand with, the people below. They look up to you but they are leeches, feeding on your confidence and using what they have taken to reach what you were born for. You're not stupid though, you're aware that you sit on a very unstable perch, yet you struggle to hold your position for fear of change, more so than for anything more shallow.

Your hand brushes through your hair as you concentrate on the text book below your tapping pencil. I find it ridiculous that your every move fascinates me, like a puppy playing for hours with the same anchored length of rope.

This is stupid. This is so stupid. Just go and say Hi, one word, that's all.

I say the word quietly a few times while gathering every ounce of courage I have to walk into the hall that leads me to you. Upon my stealthy entrance the laughter stops abruptly as three sets of eyes turn on me and I feel like a gazelle among a pride of lions. I stand tall, seemingly unaffected, as I pretend to ignore your glare. The thought of you watching me sends a flush of crimson over my cheeks and I walk faster so you can't see my face, cursing my body for revealing me for the fraud I am.

"Dad, Jake's annoying us. AGAIN." Rebecca cries out.

"Shut up Bec, I'm just getting a drink."

"That's your fourth glass of water in an hour Jake- is someone making you hot and bothered?"

"Aww! Jakey's first crush, how cute."

I turn off the tap as I stand with my back to you. I am mortified to hear the sniggering behind me and unsure if you are a part of it.

"Leave the kid alone, you two." You answer and I turn around slowly to see a small smile on your lips. It is of pity- but I don't care. I take it like a gift and retreat back to my bedroom, unable to hide the grin that has covered my face.

I close my door and replay that smile, my smile, over again in my head as I wonder how long is a reasonable amount of time before I can justify getting another glass of water.

--- --- ---

You are Eighteen and I am Sixteen

I hear you sobbing quietly behind the groundskeepers shed. I hear you because I have come looking. Your break up with Sam was loud and heated- a show for the whole school to witness. Your cousin Emily is involved somehow and the hate that laced your words has left a scaring impression on my skin.

"Don't waste your time Jake, she's just going to use up the rest of her anger on you. She's not your responsibility anyway, let Sam deal with her."

The words were Embry's but they could just as easy have come from anyone of my friends. They've told me that you are a waste of energy, nothing but torture, and yet I come looking for you because I am heart-strong and stupid.

I approach you quietly for fear of you shutting down as you always do when I am there for you in these situations. Sam is the cause, as usual, and I am always the shoulder you shun when you have run out of tears. Still, I offer, aware that persistence walks a fine line with masochism.

I sit to your side as you try to sniff back your tears and control your breathing. I wrap my arm around you, pulling you into my chest. I was expecting this. Your father's death was recent and many had thought your cold hearted way of dealing was evidence that you were broken, inhuman. The tears that streak your cheeks are proof of otherwise. I am sad that they are unable to see this side of you, while also appreciative that it is something you trust to only me. I shouldn't be, I know, but I am, and I refuse to feel guilty for it.

You turn to look at me and I see I am not the person you are hoping I am. My heart tightens a little as I wish there was some way I could be.

"I'm sorry Sam is an ass, Leah."

They were the only words I could think of. You push yourself off of my body, getting quickly to your feet, and I feel that I have offended you. I am sorry that they have hurt you but not sorry for what I have said.

"Why do you bother with me Jacob?"

"I don't know." I answer honestly.

I'm prepared to watch you walk away, as you have done so many other times. Instead you pull me into you, your hands pressed against my chest. You place your lips just above mine, our noses lightly touching, and let out a warm breath before finally meeting with my lips. I feel your kiss spread out to my cheeks as it moves under my skin and fills my entire face with heat.

Your delicate fingertips graze my neck, sweeping below a sensitive spot behind my earlobe and an embarrassing moan escapes my lips. You answer it by parting my own, as your tongue enters and my head races. I am trying to savour the moment but all reason has left me, and I am lucky I have not collapsed into a heap on the ground.

I try to mimic your movements, hoping you won't pick up on my inexperience. Your hand moves down my waist, over my stomach and stopping at the waistband of my jeans. You leave it to sit for a moment, your tongue continuing to move against my own, as you slide your fingers under my t-shirt and along my bare skin. I shiver at the sensation and you move your hands up further. I am stirring below and you make it worse by rubbing against me. I pull away suddenly in reaction. The feeling was unexpected, but I return to place my lips back on your own in an instant.

You won't let me.

"Argh, what am I doing?! What is wrong with me?"

Nothing is wrong with you I answer as my mouth refuses to move. My head is light and my lips are calling for you to return to them.

"I'm sorry Jake- that wasn't fair. Don't read too much into it kid."

You look back at me and wipe at your mouth with your sleeve for effect. You use it to remove the remaining tears in your eyes as you turn and walk away from me.

You take a piece of my heart with you as leave, ending my very first kiss.

--- --- ---

You are Twenty-One and I am Nineteen

This day has come too quickly. I thought I had time to prepare myself for your return but I realise now that there will never be enough time or preparation to see you again. I made a life without you, knowing you would be gone for so long, but you studied too hard, treating it like a race. Your early graduation is the consolation prize that you didn't want.

I am facing the repercussions of your actions, once again.

In truth I made a life to spite you- to show everyone that I could move on over your time away. I did it to show you, filled with motivation after every one of our phone calls in which you would cry over someone who wasn't me. I had hoped upon your return that the sight of what I had made without you would twist in your gut as it does for me every time I hear that you are going back to Sam.

So I sit, awaiting your arrival, dressed in my best new clothes in your balloon filled back yard. Renesmee is leaned against me, her bronzed curls hanging over my arm as she rests her head on my bicep. Her porcelain fingers outline letters on my skin as we sit with your other 'friends' and await your arrival. She leans into me further, gripping me tightly, as Quil continues telling her a story she is not listening to. Her eyes are for me as mine are for you, filled with both enamour and desire. I have convinced myself I am with her for love and not pity, that she is not a replacement for you. I am almost at the stage where I believe it.

Cheers begin as you enter like a startled deer. I told them you would hate this- you hate surprises. You're dressed in your usual scowl and your hair is in a messy bun on the top of your head, and still, your beauty is breathtaking in a way that makes me sick with myself. The feelings that you stir are wrong, stolen. They are for Renesmee, all my energy focuses on making them for Renesmee, and yet you stand there as a thief, unaware of your crime.

Your eyes glance over the room before I feel them falling on me. They are heavy and pull my head towards you. Your face is full of surprise as you make no attempt to disguise the way you assess my body. I have aged, grown into myself and you seem to approve. I can't help but feel a bittersweet smugness; this is what I wanted after all.

My feet have taken it upon themselves to walk me towards you. We meet on the edges of the dance area and I stop myself, making a point of the distance I leave between us. You take a step towards me, your body pressed against mine, and I sigh at how much I have missed this torture.

"Welcome back Leah."

You answer my emotionless statement with mischief in your voice.

"Seems you've done some growing up, Jakey."

You smile at me as if we are alone and it takes all that is in me to remember that we are not. I glance behind me to see Nes, engrossed in her conversation with Quil, and place my hand on the small of your back. Your breath hitches in my ear and I'm not sure if it's due to my forwardness or if you haven't been touched by a man in a while. Either way it makes me pull you into me closer as we move our feet to pretend we are dancing.

"I'm sorry I didn't make it to the wedding. Rach and I had finals so you picked the worst time."

You spoke as if you'd rehearsed this line. You knew as well as I did that the date was chosen with your study schedule in mind. I wasn't strong enough to have you at the ceremony. I see now it was a wise decision.

"Are we really doing this?" I ask.

"Doing what?"

"The pretending, I thought we were past that. It's like we're strangers- like we have no history."

"We don't Jake."

I lean back and see the sadness in your eyes as you sigh and pull me back into you, resting your head on my chest.

"Just a little longer, you've put up with me through worse. I've missed your warmth."

We stay locked together, our bodies moving just enough to sway to the music. The others watch as you ignore them. They don't dare approach after your less-than-impressed entrance. This time is for us, alone.

"Is that her?" you ask, facing the direction that Renesmee is seated.


"She's sort of beautiful, I guess…"

"Sort of?" I laugh at your lie. I didn't expect you would feel threatened by another.

"…If you're into that kind of thing."

I smile into your hair as I almost lose myself to your scent. It is too much and I have to leave.

"I can't do this Lee..." I start as you cut me off.

"Your eyes..." you say, your hand brushing lightly over the side of my face "they've always made me feel wanted somehow, needed even. I always loved and hated that about you. I just look at you and suddenly I feel like I'm worth something."

Your words feel like blades slicing deep cuts into my skin. I don't have the strength for this. I move my hand around your neck as my finger follows the silver chain that holds the heart-shaped locket sitting on your chest.

"I was with him when he bought you this you know?"

Your body stiffens and you move uncomfortably now.

"Really? You should have told him to save his money."

"He wanted you to remember him while you were away."

"Whatever Jake- you know as well as I do that this is as close to a dog collar as it gets. He just wants you all to know that he owns me."

"Then why are you wearing it?"

"Because...I hoped it would make you jealous."

I cough loudly to disguise the whimper that has just escaped from my throat.

"Why are you doing this, Leah? Why now?"

"Because I'm stupid. Because I had you and I let you go. Because it's too late and because I'm sick of seeing nothing but lust in the eyes of the few who work up the courage to ask me out. Because Sam is my only option and because I don't want him. Because...I want you."

I am that thirteen-year old boy once again who has forgotten to breathe in your presence.

I feel a tap on my shoulder as I turn to see Nes. Her hand runs down the side of my arm and forces its way into my palm.

"Hey, Leah right? I thought I'd introduce myself. My name is Renesmee, I'm Jakes wife."

She doesn't usually speak like this, with such a bitter tongue. She must feel as equally threatened by you as you do her.

"Hi." You answer, refusing her now extended hand.

"Charmed" she replies, retracting her hand with a roll of her eyes. She places a light, territorial kiss on my cheek and you storm off towards the house.

"Wow, she really is the bitch they claim she is."

I see you stop for a second, you are well within earshot. You choose not to fight today as you walk away faster. You know the battle is lost anyway and Nes is victorious.

"Ahh, Nes! Do you have to act like such a brat all the time? I haven't seen her in almost a year."

She rolls her eyes at me again and I try to remember when I used to find that charming. She leaves me, probably to flirt with one of my friends to get the attention I have no patients to give, and I choose to follow you inside.

Your home is empty and your bedroom door is closed. I have never once stepped into this room, in all the times I have visited, and I feel a strange expectation as I place a light knock on your door. It's as if I stand in purgatory and you hold the decision of whether I enter heaven or hell in your hands.

You open it and pull me in. Your body is pressed against mine as our mouths meet and you slam my back against the now closed door. I feel the heat from under my cheeks, just as I did the first time, as you begin to undo the buttons on your shirt.

--- --- ---

You are Twenty-two and I am Twenty.

I push your body against the wall in my garage and you let out a growl as your skin meets with the cool metal. My hands are gripping your hips as I wipe the tools off of the bench I use everyday. I set you down, our tongues never missing a beat, and you groan when I pull away slightly. Your pain sends a smile across my face as I milk it and take two steps backwards.

You are biting your lip as you do when you're impatient and I am trying to be painfully slow as I pretend to fumble with the single button on my jeans.

"Just fuck me now Jacob, so help me God, I can't last much longer with this."

"We agreed Leah, I'm in control. You have to wait until I'm ready for a change."

Your eyes squint in annoyance but I see the trace of a smile on your lips and know that you secretly love when I take charge like this. I walk towards you, placing both of my hands on the bench at either side of you, and move my lips just over yours. You lean in to kiss me and I pull away.

"No moving Leah, it's my way or nothing today- and we don't have a lot of time."

You roll your eyes before sighing your surrender. I part my lips and move my mouth over your neck, my heated breath covering every part of your skin as you shiver at the sensation. I make my way down slowly, agonizingly so, never once making contact, as I linger over each of your breasts. I blow lightly over your left nipple and you let a cry escape your throat that makes me want to thrust myself inside of you- but I behave, enjoying my control.

Your thighs have begun to shake as I lift my hands above them and look into your eyes. You are biting your bottom lip, hard enough to make it bleed, as your eyes scream for me to fuck you. I place my hands on your skin, prying apart your legs, and run my thumbs along the inside all the way from your knees, stopping just at your hips. You are arching your back involuntarily at my touch and I lean down to place two light kisses on the inside of each thigh.


"No talking Leah."

You furrow your brow and let out a trembling exhale. I blow lightly on your glistening cunt, feeling its heat on my skin. Without warning my lips are on your clit and you bring your thighs together around my head in reaction. I smile, still unable to believe that I am able to have such an affect on your body, as your thighs grip and spasm around me.

I continue to kiss you, to let my tongue caress your clit, as your hips push themselves greedily in my face. I slid my index finger inside you slowly, circling your walls as I do and grinning at just how wet you are already. Your muscles contract and entice me further so I add another as my thumb moves to take the place of my tongue. You close your eyes and I watch as you lean back on one hand and allow the other to play with your breast. I slap it away as my lips move to suck at your dark brown nipple. I move faster now, my thumb circling in perfect rhythm, as your hand moves up to your lips and you suck and bite at your finger tip. I move upwards and kiss your lips softly as you moan into my mouth with each thrust of my fingers. I curl them inside of you and you like this. You like this, a lot. Your eyes are shut tightly as your mouth hangs open and you don't care enough to hide the moans that are breaking with each short breath. I do it again and again until you throw your head forward, your hips shuddering around me, and you let out cry that can be heard by half of La Push. I lean forward, kissing every part of your orgasm, as your pussy continues to convulse around my tongue, my lips. I drink up all of you that I can as you try to catch your breath.

"Holy...holy shit."

Your hands move through my hair as you pull me up to you. You kiss me to show your appreciation. I know because you hate to taste yourself on my lips. Your hand moves down my back and grips at my hips, pulling me forward as my hard-on rests against you.

"My turn now"

"No Leah, its still..."

And with that you pull me inside you, before I have a chance to put up a fight. You feel so good that I forget about our power struggle and fall onto my hands as my face sits just above yours. You wrap your legs around my back and I am in you completely now.

I see the challenge in your eyes when I am finally able to open my own and I pull myself almost the whole way out. You bite your lip again but this time I'm not able to tease you. I slam myself into you, all the way, as your back arches and your head fly's back. I repeat myself, our stomachs crashing into one another, our skin slapping against one another as I pick up my pace. You are light in my arms as I grab at your hips and tilt you for better access. You lean back on your hands, holding yourself up as I hit that spot that makes your eyes roll back into your head.

"Fuck…Jacob…faster baby, please? PLEASE."

I love it when you beg in my arms. Your breasts moving with each heave of your chest, the way you groan my name quietly as I fuck you into complete submission. I move my thumb down to meet with your clit once again. It takes only a few circles before you tighten around me and I continue thrusting into you. You recover and smile up at me, leaning upwards and kissing my open mouth. You start whispering into my lips with sexy huskiness in your voice that makes me want to come then and there, but I let you talk me into my orgasm. I love when you do this.

"Come for me, baby. I want you to fill my cunt so I can slide my hand along my slit when you're done, and taste that mix of both of us on my fingers. Do it now, Jakey. Fucking fill me."

That's all I need. With a groan, I shoot my load inside of you and grip my hands in my hair as I barely feel your lips kissing their way over my chest. You push me back and drop to your knee's in front of my still twitching, semi-hard cock, and lick your tongue around it before taking as much as you can into your mouth, sucking both of our juices and swallowing it down with a smile on your mouth. I groan, running my fingers through your soft raven locks, as you pull away and look at up me.

"Do we have enough time, babe?"

I sigh, looking down at you. "No. Sadly. But you were amazing, as usual."

I help you to your feet as you lean forward and kiss me. "I love you Jake."

You say it without thinking and our bodies suddenly become tense. I'm not sure if I have heard you right, if you have made a declaration or if you are speaking from the high of your two orgasms. Your reaction answers my question.

"I have to go" you say as you scramble to look for your discarded clothing.

"No you don't, stay. We need to talk about this."

There are tears sitting at the corner of your eyes as you throw on the shorts and t-shirt I pulled off of you not twenty minutes ago.

"This has gone too far now. I never meant to say that. It was a mistake."

"This was too far when we first started and it hasn't changed."

You storm towards me as you start to press your finger into my chest accusingly.

"Why can't you just tell me to go to hell, tell me you're sick of me and you don't want me anymore? Why can't you just be a man and tell me to fuck off back to Sam. The first cruel thing you have to say to me will hurt enough to send me packing, and I will never have to do this again."

I grab your wrists and hold you until your body stops thrashing against me.

"Because I love you too, Leah."

"But it's not enough..."

You say it like a question because we have been here before. You love Sam, you will go back to him and I will be left alone. I have to be selfish, to be strong, as I answer with my lie.

"No, it's not enough."

--- --- ---

You are Twenty-three and I am Twenty-one

You have never looked more beautiful, dressed in only my limbs, with the deeper red in my skin tone as the only thing that defines our bodies. Your back fits perfectly on my chest as I wear you like the heart shaped locket around your neck, the gift he gave you. It tarnishes the perfection that is your chest but I know you won't remove it. It is his heart that you wear, wrapped in a silver casing. You need some place to keep it. I am your actual heart, the one that quickens at my touch and slows at my pain.

You try too hard to hide your sorrow. It releases in exhaustive bursts from your chest, erupting as quickly as you manage to pull it back in. The tears have begun and I feel them as they slide down my arm. I hope my own are lost in yours and you don't notice the whimper I am trying so desperately to suppress. It's not out of pride; it's a show of strength. I need to be strong for both of us. I always need to be strong for both of us.

"Let's run away together Jake."

"It's not that simple Lee."

"It is that simple. Renesmee will move on- if she hasn't already- and Sam..."

"If we leave we'll never be welcomed back here again. I don't care about myself- Billy will get over it-but you, you have Sue and Seth to think about. Not to mention Sam who you know will come looking for us."

We have said these words a thousand times, come up with a thousand different scenarios. The answer is always the same.

Your wedding is tomorrow.

You will move on.

I will return to a loveless marriage.

I will forget you.

You climb up me, positioning your knees on either side of my thighs, straddling me now. You hair falls along my shoulders as you kiss my forehead and move down to my lips. I taste the salt from your tears on your mouth as I try to hold back my own.

Your locket swings between us, hitting my Adams apple and distracting me from our kiss. You reposition yourself as you start to kiss me with more passion now and your locket assaults my chest. I reach up and rip if from you, tired of the interruption of Sam's heart between us. You gasp a little as we hear it hit the wall on the other side of the room.

You sit stunned for a second before you crash your lips back onto mine, making your heart, my heart, beat for only me.

One last time.

--- --- ---

Today is our end.

This hall is full of you. I see it in every detail. The white satin banners, the yellow bridesmaid dresses, the green and white bouquets. You have indulged your femininity today. A rare event. The room is bright and warm, elegant and simple. It is the perfect setting for our burial.

My wedding gift is expensive. The cost is my sanity. I promised you strength and I will honour it. You enter and I realise the hardest part has not even begun. Your dress is simple as it covers the parts of you my hands have touched, my teeth have grazed. Your guests are impressed. They have never seen you look more beautiful.

I have.

You were dressed in only my arms, my legs. A sheen from the heat I caused inside of you covered your skin. You couldn't care less as you lay on display just for me. I couldn't care more.

You reach the end of the isle and he offers his hand. The rapture is starting before me and all I can do is watch. I am sure there are crescent shaped wounds in my palms as my balled up fists begin to shake. He lifts your veil and the end is near.

I was not prepared enough to see your face again. I have fallen. My body remains still, a statue. My heart is on the floor. The limbs that were supposed to protect it have been torn open and I am exposed. I see the eyes that will never again be filled with lust for me. They are his now, but he doesn't appreciate them. He looks through them, past all that you are. He is taken by the mascara that masks them, the foundation that hides your glow.

My breath twists violently in my throat, tangled in my failing attempt to suppress the breakdown I am tied to with a fraying thread. You touch his arm lightly and I feel it on my own skin. It's cold, and yet it burns. I shake my arm and draw the attention of the other groomsmen.

My mask is slipping.

Then it's done. You say "I do" and it is over. I feel violated as the remaining trace of hope I had clung to is torn from my flesh. A muffled cheer tries to penetrate my eardrums but my heart is beating too loud in its empty cavity, filling me with a rhythmic reminder that it possible to live when you lose your soul.

Your first kiss is dramatic, for show. He dips you and a thousand flashes go off at the spectacle. It is empty, wasted and I hate him for it. But you let him. He is your heart now. I am the discarded locket, wrapped in binding silver and hidden under the floor boards. You have made your choice, and I am done.

The facade is too hard to maintain and I am forcing myself to leave. You are upright once more, out of his gaudy embrace, and I can't resist a parting glance. Your eyes grab a hold of me and I am frozen in place. They grate my already raw skin as you look at me with remorse. The tears of joy that streak your cheeks are revealed for what they truly are.

Sam pulls you into him and our connection is broken. I am tempted to extend my arm and rip his head from his body just to see your face once again. You peer over his shoulder and your stare is deafening as you mouth the words that end me.

"What have we done?"

--- --- ---