I am so not happy at all with Kripke right now. I won't go any further into that though, I've already had my rant on lj…
Disclaimer: Lyrics belong to Red, anything Supernatural belongs to the CW and Kripke… Though I personally think a mutiny is in order for that man…
I close my eyes
I pretend everything's alright
Drowning in anger from all these lies
I can't pretend everything's alright
Please don't let me fall forever
Can you tell me it's over?'
Red – Shadows
He honestly didn't think he'd make it to the truck.
Didn't think that Dean would just let him leave, let him go off on his own. Because that's exactly what it meant when he walked away.
He would be alone.
He wouldn't hunt with anyone else, had proved that fact in the six months Dean had been dead at the Trickster's hands, and the months he had spent off the grid when Dean had gone to Hell.
Sam's chest hurt; a physical pain to accompany the emotional one that had been tearing rifts in him since he had found out about the deal. He wondered just how he was still breathing when it felt like he was suffocating, drowning, with no one to throw him a line.
He had known he was crossing a line when he had left Dean that first time, when he had chosen to go with Ruby. He had thought he was saving the world then.
Never mind that in actuality he was condemning it.
He didn't trust himself, and he knew that Dean held no more trust in him. That part had hurt, had widened the gap in his heart, and shifted something in his mind that had left him feeling empty and alone.
But there had still hope then. There had still been a chance that Dean could still forgive him, that he could earn back that trampled trust.
Now there was nothing.
There was a void where he had once had the love and protection of a big brother.
Oh, he didn't doubt that Dean still loved him, but it was nothing compared to what he had known most of his life. Sam knew that was his fault too.
He had been the first one to walk away, had been the first one to choose something else over family. Stanford had been first, and then just weeks ago when he had walked out to find Ruby of all people (demons) and had left his brother bruised and bleeding on the floor.
That first voicemail from Dean had torn him to pieces, but then he had thought that he was doing something good. He hadn't known then that he was destroying the world.
That he was destroying his world.
A life without Dean wasn't really a life.
Sure he would hunt and fight, if only for the fact that he had started this whole mess that he had to fix things, to atone for what he had done.
He just never thought that he would have to do it alone.
He never thought Dean would let him go.
in the darkness, I go blind
But can you help me find my way out?
Nobody hears me, I suffer the silence
Can you tell me it's over now?'
A/N: Okay, so I had to do it… The end of last night's episode kind of really made me mad. I just wanted to smack Kripke, but since that won't happen I thought I'd at least write Sam's thoughts.
-=Blows out a deep breath=-
I don't feel any better.