A/N: Hello All! I haven't been on here in a while, I miss it! So, after suffering for a month and a half of writer's block (no joke... it was dreadful) I was FINALLY able to get a new story up... I really don't know how this one is going to progress or if it will at all, so we'll see how it goes. It's going to be short. Only 10 chapters, so hopefully it won't take me longer than a month to complete it. It's supposed to be a comedy/romance but I'm not sure if I can pull it off... it seems I've got a niche for the drama, but I'd like to try writing comedy. So, without further adieu....
Disclaimer: JKR owns characters, the world of Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy... pity.
All is Fair in Love and… Sex?
**Chapter One-Incessant Bickering**
It had all started her seventh year of school and it had become one of the most epic battles between two people that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry had ever known.
Hermione Jean Granger had gotten her seventh and final Hogwarts letter. Along with her list of books needed for her NEWT level classes, was a beautiful, shining Head Girl badge. Hermione picked up the badge, trying to contain her glee. She had always wanted to be Head Girl. She picked up the small piece of parchment that was enclosed with her badge and read the few words written on it:
Congratulations on becoming this year's Hogwarts Head Girl. You will receive further instructions on your duties when you arrive on 1 September. Please meet me after supper in the Great Hall. I will be showing you to your dormitory, as well as briefing you on your responsibilities this upcoming year.
Head Boy Position is held by: Draco Malfoy
Hermione groaned as she read the name Draco Malfoy. It's not as if she was all that surprised, though. He had been a prefect and his grades were acceptable, much better than Ron's, leastways. Still, she was not looking forward to sharing a dormitory with that blonde-headed, pureblooded bigot. Hermione couldn't remember an encounter with him that hadn't involved the word 'mudblood.'
She was sure she was not the only one who was unhappy about how this had turned out. Hermione could almost hear the little fit Malfoy was having at the prospect of living with her. He wouldn't be the only one to flip out, she was sure. She could just see the looks of fury forming on her friends' faces. Oh well. She was just going to have to learn to put up with him because being Head Girl was something she had wanted since she was eleven years old. No immature feud between two people was going to strip her of that title. There was only one thing left for her to think and that was, this year sure is going to be an interesting one. Little did she know, 'interesting' was a bit of an understatement.
The next day, Hermione said good-bye to her parents and made her way to the Burrow to spend her last day of summer with her two best friends.
She shrank her luggage and placed it safely in her pocket. Having passed her apparition exam, she turned on the spot in her living room disappeared with a loud crack. She arrived in the backyard of one of her favorite places on earth and excitedly walked in the back door.
She announced her presence with a loud, "Hello!"
"Hermione, darling!" came the warm voice of Mrs. Weasley, "We weren't expecting you until later this afternoon!"
"I'm sorry," Hermione replied, "I just got excited and had to get here as soon as possible."
"Don't be sorry, dear. Have you had something to eat yet?"
Hermione nodded and said, "I'm fine. Thank-you, Mrs. Weasley."
"Have you got everything you need for school? I'm heading over to Diagon Alley to fetch supplies for Ron, Harry and Ginny."
"Oh," Hermione said, "I was just going to pop over this evening and buy my things."
"Nonsense, young lady. Give us your list, then!"
Hermione smiled warmly at Mrs. Weasley and handed her the list of supplies she needed along with her tiny bag of money.
"There we go. Now I only need to make one trip." Mrs. Weasley mumbled to herself.
Hermione stood there awkwardly for a moment before Mrs. Weasley came to her senses and said, "Oh! They're all in the field out back playing a little Quidditch."
Hermione nodded and hurried out to the large field where her two best friends and the Weasley clan were waiting. When Hermione arrived at the makeshift Quidditch pitch, Ginny had just shot the Quaffle through one of the hoops, making an already pouting Ron even more upset.
He shouted, "For Merlin's sake, Ginny! Can you throw one that I can actually block? It's not fair."
Hermione yelled, "Well, it means one of two things. Either Ginny is a brilliant chaser or you're a terrible keeper. Frankly, I think we'd all prefer the former."
Fred and George chimed in, "Although, we all know the latter is true."
"Shove off, you two!" seethed Ron, as he and Harry brought their brooms to the ground.
"Hermione!" shouted Harry when he landed, "We weren't expecting you until this afternoon!"
She beamed, giving her best friend a hug, "I know but I couldn't wait. I got excited! Plus, I have some news for the two of you."
"You got it?" asked Ron, pulling her into a hug.
Hermione nodded quickly, pulling out her brand new Head Girl badge.
"Excellent!" said Harry, "You're going to torture Malfoy with that, right?"
Hermione's face fell, "Not exactly."
"What do you mean?" asked Ginny, who had been listening in.
Hermione sighed loudly, "Draco Malfoy has been appointed Head Boy."
"Blimey! That sucks!" blurted Ron.
"Very well noticed." snapped Hermione.
Harry said, "This is absurd. You should talk to McGonagall about it."
"Dear Lord, Harry," Hermione huffed, "You really are thick. McGonagall helped appoint him."
Ginny chuckled, then mumbled 'idiot' while shaking her head.
Harry shot Ginny a glare, then said, "Well, are you going to be alright, Herms? You seem rather placid about the whole situation."
Hermione was chewing her bottom lip when she responded, "Well, I don't really see a way out of it. I suppose I'll just have to learn to deal with him."
"Good luck with that," joked Ron. When he saw the look Hermione gave him, he quickly added, "It'll be fine. We promise."
She sighed again, "I sure hope so."
The next day, they were aboard the Hogwarts Express and Hermione was getting nervous. Harry and Ron could tell.
"Don't stress so much, Herms," said Harry, "If he starts to bother you too much, we'll kick his bum for you."
She chuckled and said, "I should be fine, but I appreciate the offer."
Just then they felt the train come to a halt with a lurch.
"Last year of Hogwarts, here we come!" laughed Ron.
The three of them got off the train, smiling at the nervous first years, and made their way to where the carriage pulling thestrals were waiting. As they were walking, Hermione glanced to her left and her eyes landed on the now seventeen year old Malfoy. She had to admit, he had turned into quite a good-looking young man. Without realizing it, she'd stopped in her tracks.
Luna walked up behind her and said, "I've always thought you two would be a good couple."
Hermione looked at her in shock, blinking quickly. Luna just smiled and continued to walk, reading her copy of the Quibbler, the page set on an article about how to fight off a nargle during mating season.
Shaking off what Luna had just said, Hermione turned back to Draco only to find him staring at her. She continued to look at him, determined not to back down.
His eyes narrowed and he shouted, "What are you staring at, mudblood?"
Hermione glared back and replied in a sarcastic tone, "Well, I'm not sure. It's something that looks remarkably similar to an arse, but I can't seem to put my finger on it." She snapped her fingers and said, "Oh! It's you."
Completely unfazed, he snapped, "Were you up all night thinking of that one, Granger?"
She sneered at him.
He snorted, "See you later, mudblood."
With that he continued up the hill, as did Hermione.
She rejoined Ron and Harry and said, "Merlin, this term really is going to suck. I'm going to waste my entire supply of sarcasm on that boy."
Harry gave her a reassuring hug and said, "It'll be alright. If you run out of your own sarcasm, you can borrow some of mine."
"Ha ha ha." Hermione replied dryly.
"Let's get going. I'm starved."
When all the first years had been sorted into their appropriate houses and all the student's bellies were filled with varied assortments of food, Dumbledore stood to address the content witches and wizards.
The light tinkling of cutlery against crystal brought everyone's attention to the Headmaster.
"To our first year students, I would like to say welcome. To our second through sixth years, I would like to say welcome back. Lastly, to our seventh years, I would like to say welcome back for the last time. I have just a few reminders and warnings for you all. The Forbidden Forrest is still, as indicated by its title, forbidden. Mr. Filch has added a few more trinkets to his list of banned items. To look over the list in full, see Mr. Filch. Defense Against the Dark Arts will, once again, be taught by Professor Remus Lupin. The school is fully aware of his condition and proper notifications were sent to your parents before this term started. He is an excellent professor and I'm sure we'll all have a great year. Now, off to bed. Professor McGonagall, they're all yours."
The students heard Professor McGonagall's voice, "Prefects, please lead the students to their selected dormitories and will our Head Boy and Girl please kindly come with me."
Hermione stood slowly with a muttered 'here we go' and walked over to where McGonagall stood waiting. Draco already stood next to the old witch with his classic smirk smacked onto his smug face. Professor McGonagall looked down at them, her mouth in a thin line and said, "Follow me." She turned on her heel and marched away with Draco and Hermione following.
As they were walking down the corridor, Professor McGonagall wasted no time in briefing them of their duties as Head Boy and Girl.
"Every evening one of you, only one, is to patrol the hallways until midnight. Your responsibility in doing this is to ensure that no one is out wandering the corridors in the middle of the night or doing anything outside of appropriate behavior. This, however, does NOT give you license to behave badly or abuse your privileges. You are to use your time patrolling the hallways to do just that, patrol the hallways. Disciplinary action will be taken if you should be caught doing otherwise. Understood? Good.
Next, if you do find a student misbehaving or doing anything that merits a punishment, you may give detention with the permission of a teacher, or you may deduct House Points. Any issue beyond that, please consult a teacher.
On your beds you will find a booklet with a list of all your responsibilities, should you forget-"
Hermione was listening intently to every word that was spoken. Draco, however, was watching Hermione with an amused expression on his face.
He leaned over and whispered, "Don't concentrate so hard, Granger. Relax."
"Shut it, Malfoy," Hermione whispered back, "I'm trying to listen."
"The password to the prefect's bathroom-" came McGonagall's voice.
"Trying to listen? You'd think with those ears, you'd be able to succeed. Besides, you'd be able to listen just fine if you wouldn't respond." He said, with a smirk on his face.
Hermione glared at him, choosing not to retort as McGonagall said, "You should also need to know the password to each of the other hou-"
Malfoy said, "There you go! You do know how to listen! It appears you can be taught. This will make things easier."
Hermione huffed, "You know, sarcasm only works when it's shorter."
She said, "There you go. Now, maybe you should take a tip from me and keep your mouth shut."
He smirked at her as they continued down the hall.
McGonagall's voice continued, "The Headmaster and I will do monthly evaluations of how well you are doing with your Head Boy and Girl duties."
Apparently, Malfoy couldn't go thirty seconds without doing something. He reached over and grabbed Hermione's hair and started to examine it while Hermione put forth a valiant effort in ignoring him.
After another minute he said, "What's with your hair, Granger? It's looked the same ever since you were eleven."
"The first years are particularly-"
"You're one to talk," snapped Hermione, "If you ever wanted to blind someone, all you'd have to do would be to walk into the sunlight and have them stare at your head."
"Oh no!" he said sarcastically, "You made fun of my hair… how will I ever survive?"
"I'm not sure, seeing as your whole being is wrapped up in your appearance."
"Better my appearance than my brain!" he retorted.
"Confronting your peers can be tricky so-"
"Yeah, mock me because I'm smart. That's clever." she snapped.
Their voices got louder with each statement.
He growled, "Better than anything you could come up with!"
She yelled, "Ugh, just shut up, ferret!"
He shouted, "You shut up, mudblood!"
At that moment, McGonagall rounded on them. Hermione and Draco stopped in their tracks as McGonagall stood in front of them, hands on her hips and tapping her foot.
"To my office, please." She seethed.
She turned on her heel and stalked away, with the two Heads following in silence.
When they arrived, she gestured to two seats in front of her desk before placing herself in the large plush one behind it. Hermione and Draco followed suit.
Hermione couldn't help but get the feeling that she and Draco were already in serious trouble.
McGonagall looked at them over her spectacles and said, "If you two were trying to hide your disdain for each other, consider it my duty to inform you that you both failed miserably."
Draco glanced at Hermione with a half smile on his face. Hermione didn't find this situation funny in the least. She looked at Draco with a look of utter loathing on her face while doing everything in her power not to say 'he started it' to Professor McGonagall.
McGonagall continued, "One of your main responsibilities is to promote inter-house unity. If our Head Boy and Girl cannot get along, how in the world are we supposed to convince all our other students to do so? You must learn to set your differences aside and for Merlin's sake, grow up!"
She stood from behind her desk and walked out of her office.
Hermione looked over at Draco and said, "She's right, you know."
He smirked, "Do I care?"
Hermione sighed, "Why do I even bother?"
Before he could respond, McGonagall stuck her head back in the office and said, "You know, traditionally, one would follow the professor when they leave the room. Do either of you even know where your dormitory is?"
"Sorry, Professor." Responded Hermione as she stood from her seat.
She followed McGonagall out the door, with Draco at her heels. McGonagall led them up to the seventh floor, past the portrait behind which the Room of Requirement lay, and on to a door that you wouldn't be able to see if you didn't know where to look.
"Well, in you go." Said McGonagall.
Draco and Hermione just looked at each other. Neither of them had heard the password earlier when she had said it.
McGonagall smirked, "Maybe if you had been listening to me instead of coming up with not-so-clever ways to insult one another, one of you would have heard it."
Draco was looking at his feet with a smile tugging at his lips and trying not to laugh. Hermione was red in the face from embarrassment and kept murmuring the word 'sorry.'
McGonagall looked down at both of them, shaking her head.
Finally, Hermione squeaked, "Sorry Professor. Would you mind repeating the password, please?"
She smiled and said, "Le Serpent et le Lion."
"The Snake and the Lion?" questioned Hermione, "Isn't that a bit obvious?"
At those words, the door swung open. Hermione and Draco entered and both gasped. It was the most beautiful room Hermione had ever seen.
The wall directly in front of them was lined entirely with books. There was expensive furniture placed around a fire on top of a nice throw. Straight ahead was a staircase that went up the middle of the room then split into two directions with either staircase leading to two separate rooms.
"There is one last thing to be said," came McGonagall's voice, "This is the first time either of you will be living in a dormitory where the opposite sex is present. There will be no," she paused, "funny business. Though, with you two, I highly doubt that will be a problem. Also, do make sure to read over the booklets on your bed. Neither of you heard anything I was saying earlier. Pity. Good night."
McGonagall left them standing inside their dormitory in an extremely awkward silence.
Unable to stand the silence any longer, Hermione grabbed her things and headed up the stairs towards the room on the left.
"Where do you think you're going, mudblood?" she heard Malfoy's voice sneer.
She turned around and said, "I'm going to unpack my stuff, idiot. Where did you think I'd be going?"
He answered, "What makes you think you get to choose which room you want?"
Exasperated, she said, "Fine. You pick first, you big baby."
"I'm not a baby, I just deserve the better room."
She sighed, "I'm relatively certain that the rooms are identical, just on opposite sides of the dormitory."
He just glared at her and slowly meandered through each of the rooms, settling himself in the room on the right.
When he came back down the stairs, he plopped himself on the couch and said, "Well, are you just going to stand there like an idiot or are you going to unpack you're stuff?"
She blurted, "So, do you have to be an arse to me in the confines of the dormitory as well as in public or can you just be a decent person for once and keep your mouth shut?"
He smirked, "I have no choice but to be an arse to you here because in public, I'd never allow myself to be seen talking to a mudblood. I'd get dirty."
Hermione retorted, "Good. Even if you started talking to me in public, I wouldn't be able to understand you because I don't speak 'stupid' fluently."
"Wow, Granger. When did you grow a pair?"
"Just do us both favour and shut up, Malfoy."
He smirked, "Somehow, I get the feeling I'm going to be hearing that a lot from you this year."
Hermione sighed and headed to her room. Yes, it definitely was going to be a long year.
A/N 2: Okay, so... the plot is barely developed, so don't give up on this story yet... I've got some funny stuff planned for later chapters. Reviews?