I'm jumping on the bandwagon and writing a tag for 5.02! Get me! i'm still working on my other fic, Trade In My Halo, but couldn't write it until I got this thing out. I can be seen and Dean/Castiel pre-slash, and it was written with my slash goggles quite firmly in place, but mostly it's a friendship fic.
Disclaimer: Does it look to any of you like I own it? If I did Dean, Sam and Cas would wear a whole lot less clothing and my pairing would be cannon! So obviously I don't own it, not even a little bit!On that note, the parts in italics are taken directly from the episode, although I could have gotten a few words here and there wrong because I was transcribing it myself. Not that I'm complaining because I had to watch that part a few times to get it all down. This is always a good thing.
I Did It, All Of It, For You.
Dean knows that he should be dwelling a little more on the fact that Sam has decided to take himself out of the game, that his brother wants to take the time to get his head back together and get over this demon blood addiction as much as one ever can. Truth be told, however, a part of him is glad, pleased that he does not have to always watch his brother's back, that he does not always have to watch his own in case Sam goes off the rails again.
Except that is not what is bothering him, not really, because the Impala is quieter without Sam, just without his presence, and Dean has a lot more time to think and to process. He is not thinking about the fact that Sam is not hunting, not even thinking about Bobby's legs and how that is all his fault as well. He is thinking about Castiel, about the angel's plan to find God, and only in Dean's life would that be a literal statement rather than a metaphorical one.
Enough, this is not a theological issue, it's strategic, with God's help we can win.
The angel's words are as sharp in memory as they were when he first said them and Dean knows, now that he went too far. Knows now that his words about God not caring, or being dead, were too much for the angel, the one who actually believed in him.
It's a pipe dream, Cas
It is, he still agrees with his statement, because this is his life they are talking about, Apocalypse or not, and how much of his life actually ever goes right? This includes finding God, by the way, even if it is Cas who is going to try and do it. Castiel is involved with him, is on Dean's side, by default at this point rather than through actual choice, which means that Dean's rubbish luck is going to affect the angel as much as it has everyone else that he knows.
I killed two angels this week, some of my brothers.
Dean has not thought on that since Cas did it, so much happening between times, what with the carvings on his ribs, being told that he is Michael's vessel and the actions that Zach took against them all. Worrying about Bobby's ability to walk has also been at the front of his mind and the deaths of a couple of angels were shoved to the side. He regrets that now. Regrets his lack of thought and his behaviour towards Castiel
I'm hunted, I've rebelled...
Dean cannot imagine what it is like to be cut off so utterly from your own family, the people who should have your back, he does not want to imagine it either, he may be alone right now, but Bobby and Sam, Ellen and Jo, if he needs them they are only a phone call away. Even Cas is on the other end of a line now, if he will even answer, given the way that Dean has behaved the last few days he would not blame the angel if he were to chose not to.
And I did it, all of it, for you...
The words hurt, even just the memory of it, because it makes Dean remember that this is his fault, that the way that Cas is now is his fault. He cannot possibly believe otherwise, because Castiel put his faith, his belief, everything, in Dean. It is all kind of baffling, all a little overwhelming, because Dean has only had that kind of faith from one other person, and it was lost all too quickly, somewhere between the ages of thirteen and fourteen, he wonders if Sam has any kind of faith in him now, he certainly lacks faith in himself.
And you failed...
Dean does not need to be reminded of his failure, has reminded himself of it enough every day of the last week, every night too when he should be sleeping but it too caught up in Sam and Bobby and Cas, because even if he failed him, failed himself and the world, Castiel believed in him, and that means more than Dean thinks that he can put into words. Certainly it means more to him that Dean thinks he will ever be able to tell the angel.
You and your brother, destroyed the world...
The world is falling apart around him, he just went up against War for crying out loud, and Dean does not know how to put it all right, does not know if he even can. His plan, kill Lucifer, is a bad one, he knows that, but there is nothing else that he can do, nothing else that he can think of, because finding God as a plan is possibly even worse.
Still, it may be their only chance to end this.
And I lost everything for nothing...
Dean pulls into the first motel that he finds after that sentence has run through his head on a continuous loop for over an hour and it brings him nothing but shame. His cell phone rings and he answers it as he flings his bags down on the king bed in the room, half hopes it is Sam, half hopes that it is someone, anyone, else because he does not know what he would say to his brother at this moment, not when his thoughts are so far from Sam.
"Where are you?" The gravelly tones are Castiel's and he tells him without thought, it only occurs to him when the line goes dead that this is not necessarily Castiel's voice at all, they have been fooled before.
So keep your opinions to yourself.
Castiel is in the room within moments and something goes tight in Dean's gut, the angel looks so alone, so downtrodden, the trench coat that was always big now seems to drown him.
"I need your help," he says, no preamble, no harsh words, just simple honesty. Dean still thinks that this is a bad plan, still thinks that finding God is a terrible idea, but he thinks on the last words, thinks about Castiel's insistence for Dean to honour his belief and he does it. He nods and when the tension goes out of Castiel and he sags a little in relief, Dean's heart soars a little and his gut unclenches.
He gestures and they both sit, no apologies needed, no words necessary, just the job.
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