Authores note: I do not own Star Trek. Paramount does. I wish I did. Read at your own risk.

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On average, I cannot comprehend the first 8.337 seconds of anything James T. Kirk says when he leans close to me so only I can hear.

On average, my heart rate increases 17.62 beats per minute when James T. Kirk is in the same vicinity as me.

On average, James T. Kirk smiles at me 12.854 times a day. And, on average, I have difficulty hiding my own smile 12.854 times a day.

On average, James T. Kirk seduces a woman 2.32 days each week.

On average, James T. Kirk says he needs me 3.11 days each week.

2.32 + 3.11 = 5.43

On average, I am upset, sometimes crying, 5.43 nights a week when I am finally alone in my quarters.

On average, James T. Kirk comes into my room while I am crying 0.628 times each week.

On average, James T. Kirk asks me if I've been crying 97.83 per cent of the time he enters my quarters at night, and 93.62 per cent of the time, I lie.

On average, I consider telling Jim I love him 163.78 times a day.

I have walked to his quarters and stood outside the door, not entering, just willing myself to enter, 52 times to date.

I have entered his quarters and told him I was madly in love with him one time to date.

This occurred 12 minutes and 34 seconds ago.

He has stood there, unsure if what I said was true one time to date.

I have been at a loss for words around him 9,372 times to date.

The most recent time was 9 seconds ago.

I have been kissed 0 times in my life.

In 2 minutes and 57 seconds, I will have been kissed 1 time in my life.

In 2 minutes and 57 seconds, I will be happy.