~MY Politically Correct version of Rapunzel~ (I stress on MY).

Okay, this is just something that I wrote a couple or so years back (I was in a PC stage), and it was one of my personal favourites. And I was just going through my old files, and I found this, and I thought it'd be interesting to put it up here. So, anyway, enjoy! (Remember this is only for humor's sake!)

A long time ago, there was an age-challenged homosapian male, and his beauty-challenged significant other. For a long time his not-so-better half could not bear offspring, no matter how much and often they tried. One day, over a gossip, excuse me, a not quite intellectual swap of opinion, session with her friends, they told her to try a different time of day. (*Ahem*)

So after a long time she was finally able to become impregnated. For the first few months the man was doting on his significant other. Then he met a beauty-gifted age-benevolent female, who unfortunately was not a homosapian and was instead, a furry white four-legged creature with an extension of hair growing from her chin. In other words, (for the intellectually challenged), a goat. He began to have a second relationship with the 'goat' and felt so emotionally remorseful he would do anything for his impregnated now-better-because-she's-loyal- although-it-could-be-the-lack-of-beauty-half. So when she requested for a head of lettuce from their neighbor's garden, he complied.

The only problem was that their neighbor was a partially evil black magic practitioner. This neighbor was also immensely possessive and possession-codependent. He knew the said homosapian female would not willingly separate herself from the said vegetable. So he scaled the ten-feet wall (the 'witch' was emotionally unstable and compulsively thought the human race was out to get her – in simple English, paranoid) and climbed into the vegetable garden. He was rather agile for a man his age.

He plucked a big head of lettuce and in case it was not enough for his enlarging wife, he grabbed a few more heads of lettuce, a few tomatoes, several carrots, and whatever else he could get his goat-loving hands on. As he was about to climb over the wall again, the 'witch' walked out into her garden for her nightly talk with her vegetables. She looked around and saw the gaps in the ground and the broken vines and stalks.

"Oh, delectable act of kindness! An immortal from above with the power to do as he pleases!" she screamed. She ran to the ground. "Maurice! Jackie! Frankie! Isaac! Pauline! What happened? Who did this vile act?" Just then a tomato rolled from the age- challenged man and to the age-challenged-herself lady. She looked at it, picked it up and screamed, "Shawn! Oh, poor you, what happened?" She looked up and saw the man. "You! You killed them all! No!" she howled.

"Now, this looks rather distressing for my defense, but I assure you this is for a good cause. You might have heard of rumors, pardon me, twisted bits of facts that my dear better half is pregnant. With my child, of course. No one else would marry her."

"No one would marry you either." The magic practitioner commented flatly.

"Well, anyway, she craves for one of your succulent heads of lettuce. I merely obliged her."

"You took Maurice and Jackie and Isaac and Pauline and Shawn and who knows who else, along with Frankie!" screamed the magic practitioner.

"Frankie? Oh, the lettuce!"

"He's more than a 'lettuce'. He was going to marry me," sobbed the lady. "But you heartlessly ripped him from his home and now he's deeeeeeaaaaaaaadddddd," the practicing magic user howled. "Damn you, Mr. Robinson!!" she cursed him.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Jackie-O." Mr. Robinson apologized.

"Sorry! That's all you can say? After you killed my fiancée? I was going to have his children! And now," she sobbed. "Now I'm going to be a woman cursed to live a single life without offspring for all eternity! And as an immortal that is a bloody long time!"

"Oh, I'm eternally sorry. I will repay you however I can." Mr. Robinson said.

"Then you must give me your child in penance and as a replacement for my lost fiancée and my precious living still green things that produce chlorophyll and take in carbon dioxide and exude oxygen!" Ms. Jackie-O declared.

"What?" Mr. Robinson said, aghast.

"You heard me. Your child, or the town knows that you commit a sinful act known as adultery with a GOAT!" she screamed.

"She's not a 'goat'! She a furry white four-legged creature with an extension of hair growing from her chin!"

"Your child or your reputation," threatened Jackie-O, hissing.

"My child." Mr. Robinson decided.

And with that he returned home with Frankie, the big head of lettuce, Maurice, another head of lettuce, Jackie and Pauline, carrots, Isaac and Shawn, tomatoes. His wife was thrilled and ate them all greedily.

"We have to give our child to the evil Jackie-O." the man said simply. His wife was sipping a clear, odorless, tasteless drink (water) and spat it out immediately.

"What? Why?" she demanded.

"She caught me. Apparently Frankie," he gestured to what was left of the beheaded lettuce (get it?). "Was her fiancée. She is left without a child. I was obliged to give her ours."

"Oh, you kind soul. Indeed. We shall present her with our dear offspring who is due in two days." Just then she screamed. "Delectable immortals! Our offspring is due now!"

"Ooh, I hate change of plans," whined Mr. Robinson.

"Shut up and call a doctor!" screamed Mrs. Robinson.

"A who?"

"Oh, I forgot, they don't exist yet! Oh, well, help me deliver this child."

"I will help you," a strange voice came from the door. There stood Jackie-O. "I know of ways to ease your pain and make this delivery a fast one."

"Then do it already!" screamed Mrs. Robinson.

"You see, this is why I was going to bear the offspring of a plant. They are so much smaller."

"Whatever. Deliver the baby!" the Robinson's screamed.

"Okay, okay. Sheesh. You think a practicing magic user would get more respect. But no, a man who fertilizes a goat gets more respect," grumbled Jackie-O.

"What is she talking about?" demanded Mrs. Robinson. "I haven't heard a thing about this!"

"Don't you worry. Focus on giving birth to the child." Mr. Robinson soothed her, shooting a nasty look at Jackie-O who shrugged.

Soon the child was born. (I'll spare you the gory details.)

"What shall we name it?" asked Mr. Robinson. Jackie-O cleared her throat. "Oh, right."

"Is it a boy or a girl?" asked Jackie-O. She lifted up a leg of the child and peered in between. "It's a girl."

"What's her name?" asked Mrs. Robinson.

"Rapunzel," announced Jackie-O. "And let's all pray she doesn't end up like either the father in character, or the mother in looks."

"Amen to that," they chorused. Then the Robinson's paused.

"Hey! You just manipulated our dignity!"

"Too bad," the magic practitioner said and picked up young Rapunzel and left.

Sixteen years later…

Jackie-O paused at the foot of the tower, where she had locked up Rapunzel. (Told you she was possessive and co- dependent.) Rapunzel was now a vertically gifted, physical appearance gifted girl with the longest blond hair imaginable.

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair," cried out Jackie- O.

"Yes, mom." Rapunzel said, rolling her eyes. She went to the window. Jackie-O climbed up Rapunzel's unbelievably strong hair, and entered the room.

"How are we today?"

"Bored as usual." Rapunzel sulked.

"Child I give you everything. You could be more grateful."

"Mom I listen to you gab on and on. You could be more silent."

Jackie-O sighed and left.

"Finally," grumbled Rapunzel. She looked out the window and began to sing. She was also gifted in other aspects. Down below, a young homosapian male heard her.

"Great voice," he commented. He looked around for the owner. He saw the tower, and Rapunzel inside. Not very clearly, because he was had challenges in his vision, and spectacles hadn't been invented yet. Just then Jackie-O ambled past, muttering.

"That Rapunzel. Ooh. She's so ungrateful."

"Who are you talking about?" asked the male.

"My ungrateful adopted daughter. She's such a…ooh."

"That is your daughter in the tower?" asked the young man.

"Yes." Jackie snapped and walked off.

The young man was actually related to Rapunzel. His father was the king, and their farmer owned the goat that Rapunzel's patriarch committed adultery with. They didn't know that, and he went up to the tower.

"Rapunzel?" he called out.

"Yeah, what?" demanded Rapunzel, looking down at him. Her voice softened. "Sorry, I thought you were my mom. No offence." She told him.

"Yes, none taken. May I come up?" he asked.

"Yeah, okay. If you know how to scale hair follicles." Rapunzel told him.

"Huh?" the son born to the man ruling the country said.

"Never mind." Rapunzel shook her head and let down her hair. The prince scaled it easily.

"I've not been in a female's bedroom." He commented.

"Charming," Rapunzel said dryly. "What do you want?"

"Marry me."

"Yeah okay. I could really live to get out of this tower. Sixteen years in here. That's enough to drive anyone mentally unstable." Rapunzel yawned. "Now go. I need to sulk and gloat a while."

The prince left and the next day Jackie-O called out to Rapunzel, "Let down your hair."

Rapunzel sighed. "Yeah, okay."

Jackie-O came up. Around then the prince came by and called out to Rapunzel. "Rapunzel, it's me!"

"Who's he?" demanded Jackie-O.

"My fiancée," said Rapunzel.

"What? Are you pregnant?" screamed Jackie-O.

"No, mom. They should invent condoms soon though. A girl could end up in trouble." Rapunzel said.

"Rapunzel?" called out the prince.

"Yeah! Wait!" Rapunzel sighed and walked over to the window, but Jackie-O stopped her. "Mom, get out of the way."

"No! I will not let you marry this man!" Jackie-O cried.

"Well, too bad. I already said yes."

"Well then, you young homosapian female with no shred of gratefulness, leave! I disown you! This isn't available legally as of yet, but I command it so!" Jackie-O screamed. She lifted her hand, and suddenly held a pair of scissors. "You remember that punk haircut you always wanted? Well, here you go!" She cut off Rapunzel's long hair. Rapunzel laughed.

"Mom, please. I wanted the punk cut, I got the punk cut. You just cut off a wig." She pulled the remaining clumps of blond hair away to reveal a neon green and purple Mohawk. "Oh, and the rule about this stupid dress?" She ripped off her dress, and stood naked. "Oh, no. I forgot to put it on…" she muttered. She ran to her closet and rummaged through it. She pulled out a Spandex and leather outfit. She put it on quickly. Then she took the cut off portion of the wig. "This is wire, which is why it's so strong. Do you know how many split ends and bald spots I would have if it were real?" She threw it down for the prince.

"Whoa. Kinky." The prince said in awe as soon as he reached the top. He stared at her. "And imagine what you'd look like if silicon was invented." Rapunzel raised an eyebrow at him.

"Excuse me?" she said coldly.

"Oh, sorry, I'm just fantasizing." The prince dismissed her. "I cannot wait for our wedding night!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Rapunzel rolled her eyes.

"You two must not be together!" screamed Jackie-O.

"Oh, take a chill pill Mom." She turned to the prince. "So, my soon to be husband, what is your name anyway?"

"You don't know his name and you agreed to marry him?" Jackie-O asked, aghast.

"Uh huh. Deal with it? Issues much?" Rapunzel sighed dramatically.

"Well I forbid it." Jackie-O lifted her arms.

Just then the prince was about to answer, "Prince Boy-" but was turned into a bird by Jackie-O.

"Mo-om!!!" yelled Rapunzel. "He was a prince. You turned the prince into a bird! That's it! I'm leaving!"

"Ooh. The prince. I don't suppose the king is going to approve my application for a magic school is he?" Jackie-O murmured thoughtfully.

"Like, duh?" Rapunzel sighed, rolled her eyes and climbed out her window. With no better place to go, she wandered into the woods. She saw a bird flying around her. "Prince Boy?"

"Yes, I'm here." She looked around and saw him hiding behind a bush. She walked forward to see him, and screamed.

"Oh!" She turned around in disgust. The prince hastily pulled up his pants. (Zips weren't invented, at least not for Spandex-ish clothes yet.)

"What were you doing? Oh, wait, I don't want to know."

"I was, er, um, releasing urine?" lied the prince.

"You do that up into the air? And I must say -" (The following sentence has been censored due to highly objectable content, which is highly unsuitable even with parental guidance. Sorry for the inconvenience.) Rapunzel stared in shock. She was still terribly naïve. "Oh, ew!!!!" cried Rapunzel. "Somehow I'm changing my mind about marriage."

"Well, when we get married I won't need to do that anymore," the prince said meekly.

"Uh huh," Rapunzel said, her eyes wide open. "Hey, um, anyway," she changed the topic. "What's your whole name anyway?"


"Huh." Rapunzel nodded, still not quite over the shock of the recent encounter. "So, um, hey, how'd you get away from my mom?"

"I used to train for a circus acrobat and also a wizard."

"Huh. Well, okay, whatever. When are we getting married? And please tell me you will never ever do anything like what you just did ever again."

"Yes, I will. Let's get married now."


"Yeah, Las Vegas is half a mile up from here."

"Oh, okay." Rapunzel shrugged. And they walked hand-in- hand up the road to Las Vegas where they were married by a guy who looked a lot like Elvis, except rock music wasn't around yet (they had minstrels).

And they lived happily ever after? So NOT. The prince found out he was gay, sorry, sexually confused, and Rapunzel befriended a woman who was paid to serve and sexually satisfy men (a prostitute) in Vegas and joined the profession. So Rapunzel ended up inventing condoms, because she was afraid of getting STDs; Prince Boy-Ar-Dee was disowned after his sexual confusion was discovered (it just wasn't done in those days) and decided to follow his long-time dream of becoming a worldwide household food name, and was hence known as Chef Boy-Ar-Dee. Although it wasn't him who invented the food you know, it was one of his grandsons who was named after him.

Truly…THE END.

Now how's THAT for a bedtime story?