A/N - This "memo" was inspired in part by AlmightySeaKelp's Corkboard Announcements. If you haven't read that series, you need to! Funny funny stuff!!!
To: Captain James T. Kirk
From: Commander Spock
Re: Appropriate Starfleet Decorum (and the lack thereof)
I am in receipt from Starfleet Command their request that I assist you (again) in mastering the finer points of professional decorum expected of the Captain of the flagship of Starfleet. I have the list of areas of comportment that they have determined need to be addressed with alacrity and will share those with you upon your availability. Please inform me at your first opportunity when you will have time in your schedule to address what they consider the most urgent of these attempts to (again) rectify your behavior.
To: Commander Spock
From: Captain James T. Kirk
Re: Your Memo re: Appropriate Starfleet Decorum (and the lack thereof)
What the fuck?
To: Captain James T. Kirk
From: Commander Spock
Re: Your Response to My Memo re: Appropriate Starfleet Decorum (and the lack thereof)
I believe that your response to my previous memo demonstrates the concerns which Starfleet has about your professional demeanor. While the vast majority of your crew in no way objects to the more colorful Human expressions you often utilize, Starfleet Command has repeatedly asked you (and asked that I remind you) that obscenities have no place in your official Captain's logs, reports, memorandums, or communiqués. They prefer you likewise refrain from including them in your personal logs but are not as adamant on this point.
Additionally, they have pointed out that many of your initial greetings when you lead an away team to an uncharted planet lack the propriety that they have requested you endeavor to demonstrate. As they have explained on more one occasion, "Hey, wassup?", while amusing to the Humans aboard Enterprise, is not and will not ever be an appropriate salutation to newly encountered inhabitants upon initial contact. Nor is "We come in peace", "Take me to your leader", or "Where is the nearest McDonalds?" Again, none of these are even remotely appropriate.
There are other matters of decorum which they have charged me to address with you. When time allows in your schedule, we will discuss those items fully and report back to Starfleet.
I await your response so that we may begin our discussion and determine those measures we will employ to make certain these latest lessons take effect.
To: Commander Spock
From: Captain Kirk
Re: You Still Can't Be Serious
Didn't they know who they were giving command of Enterprise to? Are they really surprised at the way I act? Did they think making me captain would make me less who I am? If my behavior fails to conform to their "stick-up-your-ass-at-all-times" expectations, who's to blame – me or them?
Of course they keep telling me to stop using so many obscenities in my logs. I'm not likely to. Not in this lifetime. And they can fuck off if they don't like it.
And why are they dragging you into this? I'm a big boy. I can take it. If they have a problem with my behavior, they should tell me, again. Not you. And our crew sure doesn't seem to have a problem with how I act. Do they respect me less because of my "colorful Human expressions"? You can be damn sure they don't.
How often do any of the aliens we first encounter know what I'm saying? Really? The universal translator invariably makes it sound perfectly legitimate and reasonable. (Remind me to thank Uhura for that, by the way.) And the landing party always looks much friendlier when they are smiling. Who (but you) doesn't laugh (or at least smile) when I claim we're lost and need directions back to the interstate?
What the hell else are you supposed to tell me to stop doing? I can only imagine. Can you imagine that I'll stop whatever it is? Not likely.
We can begin the discussion as soon as we are both off duty. Will that be soon enough to satisfy those damn stuffed shirts?
To: Captain Kirk
From: Commander Spock
Re: I Am, Indeed, Very Serious
While I understand your agitation concerning the requirements of Starfleet Command, I am of the opinion that an increase in your professionalism would be to your benefit. I do not think, as you suggest, that the crew of Enterprise could possibly respect (and admire) you more fully than they do at this moment. That does not preclude the necessity of appropriate behavior in appropriate circumstances.
The list of other forms of behavior that they have requested that you discontinue or modify is included here. (As you peruse this list, I ask that you remember that I am merely imparting to you this information. Please refrain from terminating the existence of the conveyor of said communications.)
Making overtures of a romantic nature to planetary inhabitants during First Contact.
Making overtures of a romantic nature to members of Starfleet who are on Enterprise.
Performing "air guitar" concerts in front of the Bridge viewscreen when in communication with other starships or Starfleet Command.
Yelling "we're all goin' die" when Dr. McCoy attempts to inoculate you and other crew members for an away mission. (Yes, they have seen the tapes from Sickbay, and no, they are not amused.)
Requesting that the food dispensers provide you a Quarter pounder, French fries, onion rings, and a chocolate milkshake. (They also request you stop repeatedly requesting that the replicators be programmed to comply.)
Inviting Chief Scott to race you in the water coolant tubes in Engineering. It is both inadvisable and extremely dangerous.
Asking Sulu to get closer to that asteroid. Starships cannot and will not ever hide in a gigantic cave. Ever. We are not being pursued by evil Imperial Forces or Darth Vader which renders your request completely unnecessary and illogical.
Requesting that Chief Scott beam you up when you are in fact aboard Enterprise. Also unnecessary and illogical.
Asking Chekov how long until we reach our destination when we are orbiting the planet in question. This invariably confuses him and renders him temporarily speechless.
Requesting that Uhura implement the "Pig Latin" translator each time Starfleet Command contacts you. Another situation in which they completely fail to see any humor.
Asking Sulu to salomon through an asteroid belt. It is not good experience for him nor is it appropriate to yell "faster, faster, faster" when he attempts it.
Asking Chekov what else was inwented in Mother Russia.
Wearing your favorite blue jeans. If you insist on wearing blue jeans while off duty, they are equally insistent that you purchase a new pair or request that the Quartermaster requisition them. Allowing the crew to see your briefs under the frayed backside of those jeans could seriously undermine your command authority.
When we are both off duty following the conclusion of alpha shift, I will be available to discuss each item at length with you. Should you have any additional questions that I may answer until that time, I trust that you will let alert me.
Re: OMG – WTF??
I have read, with interest, the list of my crimes and misdemeanors. And I have no intention of "killing the messenger." Of that you can be completely certain. May I take this opportunity to provide my explanation for the behaviors Starfleet has asked me to stop, this time? That will give us time after alpha shift for more interesting pursuits.
I don't flirt with any planetary inhabitants or Command personnel. Not any longer. There's only one person I have any interest in flirting with. Well, two. But Uhura just pretends to give me the cold shoulder, which makes me laugh. It makes you laugh too. You just won't admit it. I especially like the way she rolls her eyes and flips her hair at me.
I've only been caught doing "air guitar" three times. I can't help it when Led Zeppelin or the Rolling Stones come over the loud speakers. And it's only when things are calm enough to allow the music to be piped all over the ship. Uhura shouldn't activate the viewscreen until after she tells me she's going to. Does Starfleet have anything to say about her questionable timing?
Okay, I admit to yelling "we're all going to die" whenever Bones tries to inoculate me. If you had had as many allergic reactions to his vaccines as I have, you might yell it too. I know he doesn't mean to make my lips swell or my fingernails turn bright blue, but it keeps happening. Over and over again. I'd rather risk any unknown diseases on the next planet than face Bones' hypospray that could just as easily render me unconscious, deaf, mute, impotent, or even worse. (Although I have a hard time imagining a fate worse than impotence. I think I'm safe in assuming you agree with that assertion.)
If they can replicate green beans and plomeek soup, why can't they program the food dispenser to make a reasonable facsimile of a Quarter pounder? This doesn't make any sense to me. All the food has the exact same nutritional content, whatever form it takes. French fries and onion rings would be as good for us as anything they do decide to program. You know I'm right about this. They're just being stubborn.
I only challenged Scotty to race in the coolant tubes once. I didn't mean it. He knew I didn't mean it. Why does Starfleet Command have their panties in wad over it? Really, even if I were stupid enough to suggest again that we race, he's smart enough to ignore me. Which he did the only time I brought it up. So why are they even reminding you? Again?
Can you be absolutely sure that hiding in a giant asteroid cave will never be useful? Just because a starship has never done it before doesn't mean it won't work. The Klingons wouldn't be expecting it, would they? No they would not.
I don't ask Scotty to beam me up when I'm on Enterprise. Okay, that one time I did. But I was trapped by that delegate from… uhm… that planet that sounds like Polkadots. I asked Scotty to beam me out of the Observation Lounge. The guards had the doors blocked. What choice did I have? I tried reaching you but you were preoccupied with that scientific delegation regaling you with tales of the latest planetary discoverers in a galaxy I've never heard of.
Asking Chekov the time to the planet we're orbiting is one of the few times he actually stops talking. The Bridge crew would thank you if you would just ignore this part of the Starfleet's request.
The final four items, I have reason to believe, are not from Starfleet, but rather personal requests from you. Especially that last one about my blue jeans. I told you I didn't intend to wear them outside quarters but when the red alert sounded, I didn't have time to change into my uniform. I won't wear them in public again, I promise. And I have requisitioned two new pair. I'm confident that the seats of the new jeans will be perfectly respectable.
Anyway, I'll be in quarters when alpha shift is finally over. You'll meet me there, right?
To: My Jim
From: Your Spock
Re: Some of the Items on the List
Yes, I admit the final four items listed are personal rather than professional requests. The red alert was not the only time you were seen outside of our quarters in those jeans. Please do not discard them. Additionally, please assure me that you will wear them only when we are together. In private.
I am aware that you no longer actively flirt with planetary inhabitants or Starfleet delegates. However, I believe you may be a victim of your own reputation. All that is required is for you to smile at someone for them to become enamored of you. When you smile your eyes light up, become an even more beautiful shade of blue, and those around you are smitten. You are not to blame. I do know this.
Your "air guitar performances" have been witnessed by those other than your crew on five separate occasions. On four of these occasions, Lt. Uhura did give you advance warning that she was about to activate the viewscreen. You chose to ignore her. Or perhaps you could not hear her, so immersed were you in the moment of musical transcendence. Although I am at a loss to understand how anyone could call "Beast of Burden" music. I do admit, however, that on the occasions which you have privately performed your air guitar concerts, they have been extremely entertaining. Especially when you wear the jeans mentioned previously.
I understand your reticence to submit to the latest required vaccinations prior to joining the away team. If you were permanently injured in any manner by Dr. McCoy's inoculations, Starfleet would not be alone in suffering. I would be rendered… inconsolable, I believe is the correct term. I plan to assign two senior members of my science staff to fully analyze those components that cause you the most severe reactions and determine ways in which these can be avoided in future.
I will talk with Chief Scott to determine if there is a way that the replicators can produce convincing facsimiles of your favorite foods. You are correct in your assertion that food dispensed to taste like potato strips submerged in oil of an extreme temperature can have the equivalent nutritional value as replicated green beans.
I have no constructive response to your challenge to Mr. Scott to race him in the coolant tubes. I trust we can assure Starfleet it will not happen again.
As you have suggested, there may be a time when a gigantic asteroid cave could be conducive to concealing our presence from our pursuers. I do not know of any asteroids, however, that have caves or fissures large enough to accommodate a constitution class starship. That does not mean that they do not exist.
The delegate from Plokadort was being overly aggressive in discussions with you. I apologize, again, for failing to acknowledge the distress you attempted to alert me to over our bond. As I have promised, I will be more attentive and responsive in future.
Perhaps you could request, again, that Chekov be a little less voluble while on duty. I acknowledge that you have made such a request several times previously. One can hope that the next request you make will be the one that results in a modification in his behavior.
Now that alpha shift is officially over, I plan to arrive in our quarters within the next 7.2 minutes. I trust if you are not there already, you will be there shortly after I am.
To: My Spock
From: Your Jim
I'm already in our quarters. Wearing those blue jeans. And Led Zeppelin is already playing. Does that give you some idea how I hope we spend the next hour or so?