a JONAS fanfic by phoebenpiper
Author's Note: Any similarities to actual JONAS or JoBros fanfic is purely coincidental. My friend C is notorious for reading bad Lord of the Rings fanfic, and not only did she give me the original idea for this fic, but she also helped me come up with a lot of fanfic cliches! And since I've been writing fanfic since I was 8 (I wrote a script of Charlie's Angels where the murderer was named Murd Derer), I'm really just making fun of myself. :)
- - -
"Hey, did you guys see this?" Joe asked, staring at his computer screen. "Some girls in California dressed as us for a zombie crawl. I gotta say, we look pretty awesome as zombies!"
"WHAT are you reading?" Nick asked, looking up from where he lay on his bed reading a book.
"The JONAS website, of course," Joe answered as if it was obviously. "Macy told me that she finally got that poll to work, where the fans get to vote for their favorite JONAS, so I figured I'd check it out and see who was winning."
"Ooh, where do I rank?" Kevin asked excitedly, hurrying to Joe's side and reading over his brother's shoulder.
"Those kind of on-line polls are never accurate," Nick said disdainfully as he returned to his reading, "You only need one or two zealous people to log on with a bunch of different screennames and they'll totally skew the--"
"Nick, you're ahead of Joe by 3%," Kevin gasped, staring sadly at the circular graph which showed only a small, diet-sized sliver of Kevin pie.
"Really?!" Nick tossed his book to one side and hurried over to his brothers.
Joe made a face. "I thought you said these 'on-line polls are never accurate'," he said, mocking Nick's earlier statement.
Nick shrugged. "They're not as accurate as the Gallup polls, of course, but they're usually a good indication of people's opinions, with error rates less than 5% or so."
"5%? Yes! So I still might be more popular than you!" Joe said enthusiastically. When Nick merely blinked stoically in response, Joe began to doubt himself. "That's what that 'error rate' thing means, right?"
Before Nick could respond, Kevin pointed to a button on the website. "What do you suppose THAT means?"
Joe and Nick both squinted at the hard-to-read JONAS-style font Macy used for the site. "'Fiction'?" Joe asked, reading it aloud.
"That means something that isn't real," Nick patiently explained.
"Well DUH," Joe said.
"But what's it doing on our fan site?" Kevin asked. "You wouldn't think Macy would want to spread false stories about us – she usually tries to be so accurate in what she reports. Remember? She got so upset when she found out that my favorite candy bar had changed from Snickers to Twix that she skipped biology to go update my 'Favorites' section."
Nick shrugged. "Well, let's click on it and see."
Joe clicked on the link, taking them to an index page. More accurately, the first of 36 index pages, all listing stories by fans.
"Are these all about US?" Kevin asked as he and his brothers scanned the list of titles and summaries.
"But we were never in a car accident," Joe said.
"It's FICTION, remember?" Nick reminded.
"Hey, look," Kevin said, pointing to a summary as he read it aloud: "'A new girl named Mary Sue starts at Horace Mantis Academy, and all three Lucas boys fall in love with her.' That's so sweet."
"Yeah, but she can't end up with ALL of us," Joe pointed out. "I wonder who she picks."
His words hung in the air for a moment. And then, in a flash, Nick and Kevin were off to find their own laptops, eager to read the story themselves.
- - -
"Guess what? I'm in a coma...AGAIN!" Nick snapped, full of frustration. "Do these fans think I'm completely incapable of managing my own blood-sugar or what?!"
"At least you're IN most of these stories," Kevin grumbled as he closed yet another Kevinless one-shot.
"I just read one with you, Kevin," Joe said. "It's set in the future, and you own a Chocolate Taco stand."
Kevin smiled. "That's awesome! So what happens?"
"You agree to help me escape from prison, since I was obviously framed by Nick."
"What?!" Nick asked, looking up from his laptop
"That wasn't very nice, framing Joe like that," Kevin scolded his little brother.
Nick shook his head. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again: FICTION!"
"You know," Kevin began, "I think it's so sweet that the fans take the time to write stories about us. But I really wish some of them would invest in a spell check. It's a 'guitar', not a 'gitarr'."
Nick nodded. "They should also invest in a grammar check. And a Return key," he grumbled as he closed yet another story which was a solid block of text. "Do our fans not understand the concept of paragraphs?"
"Paragraphs are overrated," Joe commented, eliciting a glare from his little brother.
"You know, I think our fans must memorize Teenster magazine," Kevin said. "There's a ton of stories that mention Joe's lucky blue Panda pencil, and Joe only ever mentioned that in one interview."
"That's what fans do," Nick pointed out. "They obsess over obscure details. Did you see all the comments that JoeFan62 received when she got Joe's shoe size wrong?"
"Forget about shoe sizes," Joe said excitedly, "did you find the page with the crossovers yet? It's awesome! Here's one where you two are hobbits in Middle Earth!"
"What about you?" Kevin asked.
Joe shook his head, coolly flipping his bangs out of his face. "My hair's too straight to be a hobbit."
"Yeah, tell that to your straightening iron," Nick mumbled under his breath.
"This one's even better," Joe replied. "Apparently we're pilots on Battlestar Gallactica."
"Let me guess," Nick said. "A Cylon shoots down my Viper and I end up in a tragic coma?"
Joe scrolled down through the story a ways before answering, "Yep. But hey, at least you end up in sickbay next to Starbuck."
"Ooh, 'Nick and Starbuck sittin' in a tree,'" Kevin teasingly sang.
"Yeah, Kevin, it's kinda hard to get it on with Starbuck when I'm IN A COMA!"
"Speaking of 'getting it on'," Joe began, "did anyone see how many of these stories list 'adult themes' and 'sexual situations' in the description? It's kinda disturbing."
"Yeah, I can't even read half of these stories yet because they're rated NC-17," Nick grumbled, frustrated at being the youngest.
"Consider yourself lucky," Kevin said, his eyes open wide with horror as he quickly closed the story he'd just been reading.
"I keep seeing this word 'Joevin' in the description," Joe commented. "I wonder what that means."
"Do NOT click on any of those stories!" Kevin said, still twitching from the last one. "ESPECIALLY if it's NC-17!"
Joe looked confused. "Why? What's it mean?"
"Trust me, you DON'T want to know!"
"Don't wanna know what?" Stella asked, coming into the room. "So whatcha guys up to?"
"Reading fanfic," Joe answered.
"Ooh, I LOVE fanfic," Stella said, sitting down on the arm of Joe's chair so she could see the screen. "What kind are you reading? Glee? Grey's Anatomy? Mackenzie Falls?"
"Us," Nick stated simply.
"You?" Stella didn't understand.
"We're reading fanfic about ourselves," Joe explained.
Stella laughed. "But you're not characters – you're people!"
"Yes, and apparently our fans think we're people who're into incest and threesomes," Kevin said, quickly closing yet another disturbing story.
"And apparently they think I'M the bad boy," Joe explained. "I've already gotten at least three girls pregnant."
"You did WHAT?!" Stella yelled, furiously jumping to her feet.
Nick quickly reminded, "FICTION, Stella. It's fiction."
"Oh yeah, right," Stella replied, trying to laugh it off as she calmly sat back down.
"Ooh, here's one where we're secret agents!" Kevin said excitedly. "And our band name is really an acronym for Junior Operatives Networking As Spies! How clever is that?! Wouldn't that make an AWESOME tv show?"
Joe, Nick, and Stella all considered this for a moment before answering in unison, "Nah."
A moment later Nick let out yet another frustrated sigh. "Here's one where we're in a tragic skiing accident."
"Skiing?" Stella laughed. "You guys don't ski."
"Exactly," Nick said through gritted teeth. "Which is why I end up in...you guessed it...A COMA!!!"
"You know, you're sounding a little grumpy there, Nick," Kevin pointed out. "Have you checked your blood sugar lately?"
With steam blowing out his ears, Nick angrily drew back his laptop, ready to wing it at his eldest brother. Kevin cowered in the corner, protecting his face with his hands as he cried, "Don't hit me! Don't hit me!"
"Kevin's right, Nick," Stella said, walking over and calmly taking the computer out of Nick's hands. "See, if you throw your laptop at him, your parents will have to buy you a new one, and then I'll NEVER get my bonus for designing your new blazers." Stella looked down at Nick in his floor bed and asked, "Promise you'll be good?"
Nick nodded, indicating that he could be trusted not to lose his temper, and Stella handed his computer back to him.
"And here's one where a bookcase falls on Nick," Joe said, shaking his head.
"Another coma?" Kevin asked.
"No, he's just paralyzed." Joe quickly skimmed through the story before adding, "And apparently blind. You know, it's so weird that it's always Nick getting hurt in these stories."
"Yeah, 'cuz he's like the least accident prone of any of us," Kevin pointed out, thinking back with a shudder to his unfortunate run-in with a staple remover that very morning.
"It's not weird – it makes perfect sense," Stella said.
"How do you figure?" Joe asked.
"Well, Nick's so capable, so together, so...unapproachable," Stella explained. "But he writes such emotional songs that girls can see that beneath that staid exterior beats a caring heart. So naturally they write hurt/comfort stories about him. When he's hurt, he's vulnerable, and that allows the girls to comfort and nurture that inner sweet side of him."
"Hmmm. That makes sense." Nick seemed satisfied with her explanation.
"Hurt/comfort, huh?" Joe smiled meaningfully at Stella. "So is that why you're always hitting me?"
Stella laughed before punching Joe hard in the shoulder. As he cringed and raised his arm to rub the bruise, Stella patted him tenderly, cooing, "Ah, baby, are you hurt?"
"So Stella," Nick began, "since you're such an expert, what does 'AU' mean?"
Nick nodded. "Then that explains why I'm a vampire."
"You're a vampire?!" Joe asked excitedly. "That's so cool!"
"Do you sparkle?" Stella teased.
"Nope," Nick replied. "I just faint a lot. Apparently as a vampire I'm no good at managing my blood-BLOOD levels."
"Do I get to be a vampire, too?" Joe asked, searching for the story.
"No, you're a centaur," Kevin said, having found it first. "And I'm...a mermaid!"
"You mean a merMAN," Nick correctly.
"No," Kevin whimpered. "I'm a merMAID."
"Whoa! That IS alternate," Joe said.
"Speaking of girls, have you guys noticed how many SISTERS we have in these stories?" Nick asked. "Like three brothers in a band together isn't enough, we have to have a SISTER, too."
"How about the one where we're ALL sisters?" Joe suggested.
"'Karen, Jess, and Vick,'" Stella read over Joe's shoulder. "Man, THOSE are original names."
"Whoa, this is weird!" Kevin said as he opened another story. "This one's about Stella."
Kevin nodded. "Page 23, about halfway down the page."
"But how would the fans know about me?" Stella asked as Nick and Joe each went to the webpage on their respective computers.
"You were Joe's mysterious Fake Blonde girlfriend, remember?" Nick said, reminding her of the lengths they'd all had to go to in order to get rid of Fiona Skye.
"Yep, that's probably why," Joe said, "'cuz in this one you and I get married."
"Really?!" Stella realized she must've sounded too eager for she quickly added, "I mean, that's so weird."
"It's actually really sweet," Kevin said as he quickly skimmed through the story. "It's just a simple love story. Nick's even conscious in it."
"For once," Nick mumbled under his breath.
"Apparently we live happily ever after," Joe said, reading ahead to the end.
Stella noticed the story was by "Bloomingdale" and instantly recognized it as her BFF's screenname. So even Macy thought she and Joe should end up together! She smiled, repeating dreamily, "Happily ever after, huh?"
"Fiction, Stella," Nick said pointedly from across the room.
"Yeah, of course," Stella said wistfully, still smiling to herself. "Fiction."
- - -