The burden of guilt
Sam's POV on how he got it and how he feels about that.
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, just love 'em. Wish ta hell I worked for Kripke.
The guilt is so pervasive it makes a bad taste in my mouth. And causes me to walk around with a' just sucked on a lemon' look all day. But how can I help that since it's been piling up on me since I, well since I was born. From being the 'the job' that Dean had 24/7 guard duty on, to all the sacrifices he'd made.
Including the BIG one, the one nobody asked him to but he did the Deal anyway-coz- he's always going to be my big brother and Dean never does anything by halves. To Hell and back witha angel escort only to be told by THEM he had to watch out for me too. And all the stuff dad taught me and all the stuff that Dean taught me; that I forgot as soon as Ruby whispered in my ear she could get me revenge.
And all the lies I told him when I shoulda been just drop down on my knees grateful that when he got outta hell he came back for me at all.
Coz I couldn't even keep THAT promise. That one promise to save him and if not that to get him back myself.
And along that twisted path I walked when he was not around I became a different animal, one that even I couldn't recognize much at all toward the end.
So now he says he doesn't trust me. I wonder why did he even waist his breath to tell me that.
Because...(I feel my throat tighten), he still wants to.
After all I've put him through the worst pain that I can see in his eyes isn't from anger or hate directed at me, but at himself for hating that he just can not trust me...not right now.
And the thing I see on his face that makes me hafta turn away isn't the almost shed tear. Or the line of his lips pressed so tight together they don't even look like they belong to his mouth. It's that brief spark of hope that's still in there. I see it flare up every time he first looks at me while try'in to figure out my mood.
His hope that I can somehow find my way back to the man I once was or who he thought me to be is what kills me the most.
Coz right now I just don't think there's enough of who that was that's left worth finding.