NOT GIVING UP
By: Karen B
Warning: Season Five spoiler
Summary: Tag 5-2 Dean pov. Angst.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own breaking heart. Kripke brilliantly dangles the mouse at the end of a string -- leaving us at his mercy -- with nothing left to do, but bat at his creation. And bat we do! Gotta love him!
Author's note: My little way of easing the heartache -- just a tad.
It was a sunny day, not a cloud in the sky -- yet it was raining -- raining pain on our lives. Lives that had been turned into a circus. Sam and I were feeling horrible all the time, holding each other hostage. I didn't know who was in worse shape. Me, trapped in my anger and mistrust, or Sam, trapped in his guilt and fear. Both of us trapped in a situation that only made things worse. I had done all I could, but the way things were between us kept us from moving anywhere. Forward, backward -- sideward. All we were doing was spinning our wheels in the mud and the blood. We had to get past all this, so we could do our jobs -- try to be brothers again. I had to be honest with myself, holding on wasn't going to fix a damn thing, and it finally sunk in what I had to do.
The only way we could get us back -- was to let us go.
Staying together was both physically and mentally dangerous. We were weakening each other. We needed time away. To learn to be the people we were meant to be. We had to go our separate ways to reclaim who we were as individuals. I wasn't an idiot, Sam was already getting ready to fly -- I knew that bit of intel probably before he did, before he said a word -- a brother knows his brother.
When I first caught the scent of his intentions, I wanted to ride in on my white horse. Slay that dragon -- but in doing so -- I'd be denying Sam the chance to slay his own monsters. I couldn't control him, deny him that chance. Things were out of my hands. I had to allow Sam to be Sam -- and me to be me.
Broken bridges can't be fixed when you're still standing -- idol -- in the middle of all the damage. A bird can't learn to fly if the only place he's flying to, is back inside an empty cage.
I couldn't keep standing on the broken bridge, shutting the cage door with Sam tucked safe inside. I had to learn to trust Sam again -- to do that -- I had to be willing to let him go. I held the power. One word from me -- stay -- would be all it would take to keep Sam by my side. He would listen. He would stay, chained to me -- my hostage -- and me his. It was up to me. I had to take the first step. I had to open the cage door -- step off that busted up bridge
Friggin' hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. Worse then dying. In dying, there was no conscious choice -- this was my choice. If I was going to do this, I had to do it right. Sam had to think the idea all his. He had to think he was doing the leaving, not me kicking him out.
When Sam finally broached the subject, I kept my voice soft and my eyes hard -- focused. I told him I agreed -- he should leave. He was surprised -- honestly -- I was, too. Wasn't sure I could do it. I didn't swallow, or twitch a finger -- didn't show any sign of doubt or regret. If I did, I wouldn't be able to follow through. I'd take every word back, shove him in his cage.
But, I also couldn't let him go, guessing at how I truly felt. I'd regret that more than anything else. I was hurt, angry, sad, all the above, but letting Sam go without him knowing he was still the most important thing in my life, that I still cared -- a no can do.
I was letting Sam go -- not giving him up.
I offered Sammy the Impala, bestowing my love without so much as moving an inch.
Sam did the same in return -- he didn't accept the offer.
I watched him leave.
Running a hand along the Impala.
To her, to me, to himself.
Then, like a Greyhound after a rabbit -- he was gone.