WARNING: Again, I will repeat. This story is NOT for young readers. Please do Not read if you're underage. This chapter has mention of self-harm and an attempt of suicide. If it's not ur cup of tea, do Not read. Still not an easy read. Tread carefully.
Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or its characters. So, I own nothing.
Slipping, Chapter3 [Cuts like a knife]
When Tony woke up, he still felt sick and light headed. He thought about eating but grimaced as the nausea threatened to overwhelm him.
Tony sat up in his bed and peered at the clock by his nightstand. It was 1430 in the afternoon. He slept for approximately 3 hours since Gibbs called him.
Tony looked at his answer machine and found that he had at least a dozen messages. Abby. It had to be her. She was still the only one caring about him. The last one that wasn't disappointed in him. Not rejected. Not disappointed.
Tony got up and pressed the button to hear the messages. To Tony's surprise, he heard Ziva's concerned voice.
Beep- Tony…Are you alright? Is it something serious? Tony could almost feel Ziva's guarded tone as she spoke… I know that McGee and I were not… treating you well recently… Are you sick Tony? Ziva's concerned whisper reached Tony's ear…. I will be stopping by today after work to check up on you Tony, be safe - Beep
Ziva's cautious and concerned voice seemed to calm Tony a little. She noticed something. She admitted that she and McGee have been taunting him recently. She apologized. Apologized. He mattered to her. She's scared of losing him. Good. Bad. She might come and find out about what he did. What will she do? Will she judge him? Will she be disgusted by him for doing what he did? Will she leave as soon as she sees them? Will she be disappointed? Disappointed. Will she reject him? Worthless of her attention. Worthless. Rejected. Disappointed.
Tony's thoughts got darker as started to caress the closed wound on his wrest. He let his fingertips stroke the edge of his clotted blood. It felt rough to the touch. It reminded him of when he helped smoothing the rough edges of the boat's wood with Gibbs in his basement. Gibbs and his basement.
Tony's heart hammered in his chest. He felt that he was a trapped animal, like when he was at the office, when Gibbs declared his disappointment in him. Disappointed. ''I'm disappointed in you Tony''. Rejected. Worthless.
Tony breathed deeply trying to calm his pounding heart as he again absently ran his fingertips against the healing wound on his wrest and palm. He tried to compose himself as he heard the next message.
Beep-…uhh...um… Tony?…Are you gonna be okay? Naïve Tim, always thinking that everything could be easily fixed. well…I …I'm going to stop by and see if you're okay…just to check up on you…um...'k bye-Beep
Poor Timothy. He thinks everything has a remedy. See if Tony was okay! Like that was going to solve anything. At least he wasn't disappointed, Tony thought angrily as he started picking on the still freshly wounded flesh. He started pulling at parts of the clotted blood causing his wound to open again. Disappointed. ''I'm disappointed in you Tony''. His heart was tightening in his chest all over again. It was hammering irregularly against his chest demanding to be relieved from the heavy burden.
Tony was starting to feel trapped as he kept running his fingers over his fresh wounds, picking on them as small droplets of blood trickled down from his wrest and palm. He held his breath as he heard Abby's voice on the background.
Beep- Hi Tonyboy, what's happening? where're you? You're late-Beep
Beep- hey Tonyyyyy…are you still asleep? What's happening? Call me-Beep
Beep- Anthony DiNozzo, will you pick the damn phone up? McGee texted me saying that Gibbs just discovered that you took a three days leave without his permission!-Beep
Beep- Tony I'm sorry I snapped at you, I just want to make sure you're okay. Are you okay?...Tony?-Beep
Beep- Tony? Tony what's goin on? Gibbs is all furious and growling, he came down my lab and almost smacked me on the back of my head. Bastard, Tony thought as he started squeezing his wound and opening it all over again. Me Tony. Tony could hear Abby sniffing in the background. What did he do to you Tony? Abby quite voice reached Tony as he kept staring at his wound bleeding all over his pj's I know he did something or said something wrong…will you just pick up?-Beep
Beep- Tony? Are you mad at me? Tony, what's happening? I'm coming to check up on you after work Mister-Beep
Beep- Anthony my boy. Are you okay lad? Jethro seems rather furious and Abigail came down to autopsy crying saying that you won't answer your phone. I shall swing by your apartment, just to make sure you're alright my boy. Goodbye for now-Beep
Tony just sighed as he leaned his back on the bed as his wound was re-opened again. He could feel Abby's concerns. He knew that she cared. He didn't mean to hurt her like that. He did it again. He disappointed the only ones that cared enough about him. Disappointed. ''I'm disappointed in you Tony''. He was nothing but disappointment to others. Worthless. Rejected. Bastard. Disappointment.
The wound in his hand wasn't giving him enough solace to comfort his heart aches. The blood kept trickling down, but the pain wasn't fading.
Tony was starting to feel claustrophobic. He felt his chest tightening as his heart started thumping wildly in his chest. He needed to run. The pain in his hand wasn't distracting him enough. The pain was turning dull again and he couldn't help but remember Gibbs's sincere disappointed ice blue eyes staring him down. He squeezed his wound as tight as he could and he groaned as he saw more blood seeping quickly through his wound. Small purple bruises were starting to form around the wound where Tony's firm grip held tightly. Tony groaned in a small voice as he felt more pain course through his hand. Good. It felt good to have nothing but pain on your mind. No Gibbs. No Disappointment. No rejection. Disappointed. ''I'm disappointed in you Tony''.
Tony moaned weakly as his heart tightened more in his chest. This wasn't happening; he needed to run away from his thoughts. He didn't need to think about them. About the disappointment. He needed more pain. He needed distraction. ''I'm disappointed in you Tony''.
Tony heard the phone ringing again, but he was far too wrapped in his haze that he didn't care to shut it. The gruff voice seemed to drown him more in his painful hazy state as heard the irritated voice speak.
Beep- DiNozzo? Are you awake yet? Answer the damn phone…DiNozzo? Okay, we'll see about you breaking the damn rules-Beep
Tony was frantic now; his wrest and palm were already bleeding profusely. Tony needed to wash away these painful feelings. His heart seemed to tighten more as if it was squeezed against his chest. It felt as if someone took his heart and determined to just play pressure practice with it.
Tony gritted his teeth as he sat up straighter on the bed ready to threw up from the nausea and the complete overwhelming overload of painful, confusing feelings. Ziva worried. Disappointed. Tim concerned. Disappointed. Abby…crying. He hurt her. Disappointed. Ducky…disapproving. Gibbs…Gibbs…Gibbs. Disappointed. ''I'm disappointed in you Tony''. It'll be hell from me, DiNozzo.
''No, no, no, no, no, no, no'' Tony kept repeating as he held his knees close to his chest trying to well away the ache ness that kept coursing through his worn out body.
They all seemed disappointed in him. He was worthless. He was rejected. They worried because they were disappointed about him. They were waiting for him to make the next mistake. He was worthless. They were tired of him. Disappointed. You'll end up in the gutter, boy. Get up and take your beatings like a man, boy. You're nothing but a disappointment and a big mistake boy.
''Nothing but a big mistake. Big mistake. Disappointed. Hell. Toomuch. Big mistake. Gutter. Disappointed. Disappointed. Too much.'' Tony's ramblings were becoming incoherent as much as his shaken mind. Tony kept repeating this intangible mantra holding his head tightly in his hands as he started to pull at his hair. Several strands got cut with Tony's fists as he looked hypnotized by the damage he caused to his precious hair.
''Too much. Too much. Too much'' Tony started another mantra as his weak body stopped rocking back and forth.
Determined, Tony grasped his shinning knife tightly from his nightstand. He had to do something, but he didn't know what that something was. Tony slowly stood from his bed fighting the dizziness and his misty vision. He was overwhelmed by the painful feelings that kept coursing through his veins. Too much. Too much. Tony walked slowly through his room as he finally reached the door. He leaned heavily on the door as he searched for a way to ease his pain.
When Tony's phone started ringing again and the answer machine picked up, Tony all but dropped the shiny knife and bolted for the bathroom. He had to run away from this agony. He caught the first few words as he shut the bathroom door roughly.
Beep- Tony? Are you okay? I haven't heard from you…I'm getting worried... I'm coming over…
''TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH. TOO GODAMN MUCH. TOO MUCH'' Tony started shouting in his bathroom as he started hitting the walls with his bare fists, and kicking it with his feet.
Tony started breaking the small elegant glass bottles and anything that his eye caught. He held every item and threw it on the floor and kept screaming.
''GET OUT OF MY HEAD. TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH'' Tony shouted as he started hammering the mirror with his bare fists.
The mirror shattered into small pieces on the floor. Tony didn't even realize, in his frenzy, that small pieces of glass were starting to cut through his skin and bury themselves deep. He only focused on a rather big broken and shinning piece of glass that sat on the floor.
Tony sat on the floor with a thud, never registering the pain sparkling on all his lower section as his legs were grazed by a lot of small broken glass sitting on the floor underneath him.
Tony took the sparkling piece of glass while heavily panting and starting to cut his clean wrest. Shinning. Beautiful. He raised the piece of glass to meet his tanned skin. Disappointed. ''I'm disappointed in you Tony''. He started cutting deep at the memory, long line in his hand. His breathing was starting to deepen as the wound started bleeding freely. But the pain in his heart was still too much. Too much. Tony raised the knife again and as it met his skin, he tugged it deeper. Tony drew the knife cutting through his skin for a long minute. Then he finally released the offending piece of glass that tore through his already wounded palm. The two wounds on his arm were both long, starting from his palm and all the way to his wrest.
Tony sighed deeply as he sank more onto the floor as the blood from his second wound started to seep rapidly. The flood of his bright red blood seemed like a prisoner who finally got to escape the confines of his dark room.
Tony could feel his soul seeping through his veins and escaping as more blood kept pouring out of his several wounds. It felt good. Away with his soul were his pains and aches fleeing away.
Tony sighed as a choked sob escaped his throat. He no more felt their disappointment in him. No more Gibbs. They cannot reach him now. Good. Bad. Good.
Tony's vision was getting more blurry as he relaxed slumped on the floor. His head hit another piece of glass when he slid to the floor, but he didn't mind or care.
His mind seemed to buzz. It was all just humming now. And his arms. No thinking. Tony closed his eyes as he couldn't concentrate any longer. He felt the darkness pull him, but he stayed mid-way enjoying the peace he felt. His mind dazed. His body too shocked, but to react to the pain in his wrests. Blank. Tony felt like his body has just melted into the floor.
Tony's foggy and unfocused mind didn't register the repeated knocking on the door or when the apartment door was bolted open. Tony felt someone shouting his name. Saying something. Someone feeling all over his body for unexplainable reason. Then the rough hands kept pressure on his painful seeping wounds. Saying strange soft words that didn't consent with the gruff demeanor.
'' 'orri '' Tony slurred as he tried to open his eyes to explain. ''S..ssorry…..'orri to disappoint you boss'' Tony said as the darkness finally won the battle and took over his soul.