The ever-inconstant disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me.
Virtually any other characters in the fic do. The only person I'm ripping
off, then, is myself. I'll let you people know how much I'm suing myself for

" " is when someone speaks in Japanese
"~ ~" is when someone speaks in English
/ / is when someone is thinking
* * is sound effects

Insane Magic: Version 2 1/2
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
Written By Nathan Huss

I Control The Vertical.

(Cut to Ranma blasting Happosai into the sky using a Hiryu Shoten Ha.)

I Control The Horizontal.

(Cut to Ryoga slamming Happosai into a wall with a Shishi Houkoudan.)

I Control... The Special Effects!

(Cut to Happosai about to throw a Happo-fire-burst at Ranma and Ryoga,
but it explodes while he is still holding it.)

UKYO: "Hey! This is the exact same thing you used in the first

Don't Knock It. It Still Works.

UKYO: "You're even using the words with the first letters in capitals."

It's My Fanfic. I'll Do What I Want To With It. Don't Make Me
Include You In The Outer Limits-Like Intro Like I Did The Guys.

UKYO: "Fine. Go ahead."

Thank You.


Another school day dawned over the town of Nerima.

"Ranma, you're going to be late!" Akane shouted.

Ranma acknowledged this by eating his breakfast faster. He finished,
and put the empty bowl on his father's head. He hopped off Genma's back,
and raced to the door.

"About time," Akane said as they left the house.

"Had a small argument with Pop over what it means when food is in front
of my spot," Ranma said.

"That seems to be about all you think of, besides martial arts."

Ranma shrugged. The two of them hurried to school.

"Hiya, Ranchan!" Ukyo said as they walked through the school gate.

"Hi, Ukyo."

"Are you guys ready for that test?" Ukyo asked.

"Yeah," Akane said.

Ranma stopped. "Whoa, whoa! What test?"

Akane sighed. "Don't you remember? We're having a test in Miss
Hinako's class."

"When did this happen?"

"You would have known if you had been paying attention during this
week's lessons," Akane said.

"It's not my fault!" Ranma exclaimed. "The old freak came by and I had
to take care of him before he did anything!"

The three continued to talk as they headed to the school.

"Prepare thyself, Ranma Saotome!" Kuno shouted, bursting out of the

Ranma sidestepped Kuno's attack, and kicked him. "Can you guys let me
see the notes on... whatever it is the test is on?" he asked Akane and Ukyo.

"It's your own fault," Akane said. "I don't see why we should."

"Aw, c'mon."

Kuno popped up right next to Akane. "See, fair Akane, how unschooled
and crude the cretin Saotome is? I, on the other hand, am well taught in
the instructions of our educators." He grabbed her hand. "Come! Leave
him, and-"


Akane shouldered her mallet.

"Um... Akane?" Ukyo said, and pointed. Courtesy of Air Akane, Kuno
was about to crash into someone across the schoolyard.

"Look out!" the three martial artists yelled.

The boy who was about to be hit looked up, and say Kuno incoming.
He raised his hand and pointed an open palm at the airborne kendoist.


Ranma, Akane, and Ukyo ran over. The boy, a foreigner, was unharmed,
while Kuno was lying unconscious on the ground.

"Are you okay?" Akane asked. "How did you stop him?"

The boy shrugged, a bit nervous. He was a bit taller than Ranma,
with short, spiky blond hair. He was dressed in jeans, sneakers, and a
light jacket. "Localized barrier field," he said. "He caught me by surprise."

"A what?" Ranma asked.

"A... er..." The boy glanced around.


They all blinked.

"We're late!" they all yelled. A small stampede ensued.

Later, Kuno woke up.


As class started, Miss Hinako made an announcement.

"Class, today we are getting a new student," Hinako bubbled.

The students started talking to each other.

Ranma leaned over to Akane. "Hey, you don't think it'll be..."

"Class!" Miss Hinako said, pulling out a coin. There was a collective
'eep' and everyone became silent.

Hinako smiled. "Thank you." She turned to the door. "You can come
in now."

As the new student walked in, Ranma rolled his eyes. /Knew it./

It was the blond-haired gaijin from the school yard, only now dressed
in a school uniform.

"This is Mr. Tagard, an exchange student from the United States." Hinako
looked at a paper and frowned in confusion. "Excuse me, Mr. Tagard?"

He blinked. "Yes?"

"It only has that written down for your name. What is your family name?"
she asked.

"Oh, that. It's just 'Tagard'."

Hinako tilted her head, and then shrugged. "Okay!" she said, suddenly
smiling. "You can sit at the empty desk there."

Tagard nodded, and walked to it.

"Okay! Now are you all ready for the test?" Hinako asked happily. The
class groaned.


During the lunch break, a group of students crowded around Tagard.
For his part, he appeared to be a bit embarrassed. More so, he looked
slightly panicked when the events of that morning were brought up by Ranma.

"I don't really know what you mean," Tagard said.

"You know," Ranma pressed. "When you held out your hand and stopped
Kuno from crashing into you."

Hiroshi nodded. "I saw that, you didn't even touch him. He just
stopped in mid-air."

"Mmmgsntrnng," Tagard mumbled.

"What was that?" a student asked.

"I'm a magus-in-training," Tagard said louder.

"Is that like a wizard or something?" Ukyo asked.

Tagard nodded.

"Oh," everyone said.

"That makes sense," someone said.

"I figured it was something like that," said another. The crowd
slowly dispersed.

Tagard gaped. "That was... unexpected."

"What d'you mean?" Ranma asked.

"I was expecting more of a reaction. Disbelief, suspicion, something."

Hiroshi patted Tagard on the back. "Believe me, with all we've seen,
you being a wizard-"


"-whatever, is pretty acceptable."

Tagard frowned. "I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

"We've had ghosts, oni, shrunken perverts, magic pills, magic mirrors,
magic curses..." Ukyo counted off.

"Magic curses?" Tagard asked.

"Yeah." Hiroshi motioned to Daisuke. The other boy walked out.

"Oh no," Ranma said. "You're not-"


Ranma glared at Daisuke, who had come back in with a glass of water
and poured the contents over Ranma. He and Hiroshi dashed away.


A thin cloud of red smoke drifted up from Tagard, who was now wearing
the same clothes he had been that morning.

"What just happened?" Akane asked.

"~What did you say?~"

"What?" Ukyo said.

"~Huh?~" Tagard looked sown, and saw his clothes. "~What the...?~"

"Why aren't you talking in Japanese?" Ranma asked.

"~I don't understand... hold on.~" Tagard reached into his schoolbag
and took out a small leather-bound booklet. "~Enlarge.~"

They all jumped back as the booklet suddenly grew until it was about
the size of a door.

"~Not that much!~" Tagard shouted at it. "~Reduce to base size.~"

The book shrunk to the size of a regular textbook. Tagard picked it
up and started leafing through the pages. After finding a particular page,
he started tracing several symbols with his finger and reading them out loud.
"~Krel donm etla, segu nac tob.~"

A red glow surrounded him for a second, and then he was dressed in
his school uniform again. "That's better," he said.

"What just happened?" Ranma-chan asked.

"I don't know. I think all my running enchantments were dispelled."

"But why couldn't you talk- oh," Ukyo said.

"I'm using a spell until I can learn Japanese well enough," Tagard

"And the clothes?" asked Ranma.

"I don't really like uniforms," Tagard explained, "so I just set up
an illusion of wearing one." He closed the book. "Reduce by... 65 percent,
and lock command."

The book shrank back to the size they had originally seen it as. Tagard
placed it back in his bag. He looked at Ranma. "Is that change real? Or
an illusion?"

"It's real, unfortunately," the currently female male said.

"How did it happen?"

Before Ranma could answer, Miss Hinako (despite her childlike stature
at the moment) loomed over the group. "Class has begun."

Akane, Ukyo, and Ranma scrambled for their own desks.


"... and that's when me and Pop went to the Tendo's," Ranma said, finishing
the story of his curse.

Tagard was walking with Ranma, Akane, and Ukyo after school had ended.
He nodded as Ranma finished.

"That seems simple enough actually. I don't know why when your curse
was activated my spells fizzled like that, though."

"What about how you made that book of yours change size?" Ranma asked.
"That seemed to work."

"Different magic," Tagard said. "For one thing, the dimension-alteration
is not a semi-permanent enchantment, but an effect that occurs only when the
proper command is given. The actually spell is inlaid in the tome."


Tagard took out the mini-spellbook. "Enlarge to base size." After it
had grown, he opened it to the first page. "Hmm... well, you see this squiggle
part here?"

The martial artists nodded.

"This is part of that spell," said Tagard. "The first dozen or so
pages are inlaid spells, which only affect the book. They're sort of... more
permanent, since they are actually powered by the writings. Since things
like my translation, illusions, and preset size commands are aren't written
down in the same way, directions instead of actual active spells, they can
be dispelled easier, and I see from the looks on your faces I've lost you."(1)

"Pretty much."

"I don't blame you. I just gave you a generalized translation of what
I had been told, which I didn't even understand that much. Let's just say
they are different, and that's why."

"So what are you doing here in Nerima, anyway?" Ukyo asked.

"You guys really want to know?"

They nodded.

He waved them in conspiratorially. "Well, the truth is..."


"... I have absolutely no idea."

The martial artists facefaulted.

"What?" he asked innocently.

Ranma grabbed Tagard's jacket. "Stop jerking us around!"

Tagard shrugged. "It's the truth. The guys upstairs at my Order
pretty much said 'go here,' and you don't really argue with people like them.
They got me a house in the area, and I just moved in this morning."

"A house? Where?" Akane asked.

Tagard stopped walking. "Right there, actually," he said, pointing.

Tagard's house was about the same size as the Tendo's, though with
a smaller yard. In fact there was virtually nothing noteworthy about it,
except for one thing. It was located in what used to be the vacant lot right
next to the Tendo Dojo.

"How did that get there!?"

Tagard waggled his fingers at them. "Magic. They had it built and
then transported it over."

"Great," Ranma said. "We have a wizard-"


"-whatever, living right next door."

"Oh? Where do you live?" Tagard asked.

"Right there, at the Tendo Dojo."

"Cool. We're neighbors." Tagard walked up to the door of his house.
"Oh, waitasec... I should introduce you to him, then."

"Him who?"

"You'll see." He walked a few feet away from the door, and placed
his spellbook on the ground. He motioned for Ranma, Akane, and Ukyo to move
to the side. Curious, they did so.

Tagard tiptoed up to the door, took a deep breath, and opened it
while diving to the side.

"~I'm home!~"

There was a sudden flurry of movement from inside the house, and a large
shape came barreling out of the doorway.

"~Entrap!~" Tagard shouted.

A large beam of light shot out from the book and hit the form as it
passed over the book. There was a sharp *twang!*, and it was sucked into
Tagard's book.

The wizard ("Magus-in-training!") stood and dusted himself off. He
calmly strolled over and picked it up.

"What the hell was that?" Ranma asked.

"That's Rhinhok, my demon."

Tagard rapped on the book's cover with his knuckle. The leather
cover shifted, until a lizard-like face appeared in the material.

"~Dammit! Dammit! Lemme outa here!~" the face shouted.

"Temper, temper," Tagard said.

"~Ta hell with my temper! I! Want! Out!~"

Tagard faced the book at the martial artists. "Guys, meet Rhinhok.
Rhinhok, meet Ranma Saotome, Akane Tendo, and Ukyo Kuonji."

"~Nice to friggin' meet you.~"

"Rhinhok, in Japanese."

"Nice to friggin' meet you," the demon repeated.

"Don't mind him," Tagard said. "He just gets cranky in there. Release."

The face sank into the book, and then a small shape fell out.

"About time," Rhinhok mumbled.

The demon stood about one foot tall, was three feet long, and had three
sets of limbs: four legs, and a pair of hand/claws in front. It was dark
green in color, with intricate patterns of scales on it's hide. It hopped
up onto Tagard's shoulder, and wrapped its tail around his neck. Making
the semblance of a grin, it revealed a row of short, razor-sharp fangs, and
a long, snake-like tongue.

"What the..." Ranma said.

Tagard smiled apologetically. "Sorry about the little scene there.
He's been reading too much 'Calvin and Hobbes'."

Akane, Ranma, and Ukyo just stared.

"Wassa matter?" Rhinhok asked. "Ain't you ever seen a demon before?"

"No," Akane said.

"Oh, in that case..." Rhinhok fiddled around with its foreclaws,
and produced a small business card from thin air. He leaped over to Akane's
shoulder, and handed it to her.

Glancing at the demon on her shoulder, she dutifully read the card.
"Rhinhok, professional demon familiar. Mentor, servant, companion, and
comic sidekick." As she finished, the card disappeared.

"I also do Bar Mitzvahs," Rhinhok said.


"Ferget it." He jumped down to the ground and trotted into the house.

"This has been one of the stranger days of my life," Ranma said.

"I'd invite you in," Tagard said," but we're still unpacking a bunch
of stuff. See you tomorrow!" He walked into his house.

"Why do I feel like this is going to bring trouble?" Ranma sighed.

Akane and Ukyo just nodded in agreement.

(1) This mysticbabble was brought to you by Confusing Talk Unlimited,
also manufacturers of technobabble, double talk, and rants.


The next day during lunch, Ranma, Hiroshi, Daisuke, and Tagard chatted
while playing a game of poker.

"So, just what kind of stuff can you do?" Hiroshi asked Tagard as he
dealt out the cards.

"Compared to most of my teachers, not that much. It's mostly- I'll
take two cards- just basic stuff. Illusions, small enchantments, wards..."

"Can you throw fireballs?" asked Daisuke.

"Technically, yes."


"I'm not that good at aiming them."

"Ah," the other boys said.

"I'm getting better at it! And that barrel shouldn't have been there anyway!"

They nodded, and continued with the game.

"Two pair," said Hiroshi.

"Straight," said Daisuke.

"Three-of-a-kind," said Tagard.

"Nothin'," muttered Ranma.

Daisuke grinned and pulled in the small amount he had just won.

As the next hand was dealt out, Tagard shivered. "Brrr..."

"What's the matter?" Ranma asked.

Tagard shook his head. "Dunno. I just had this chill go down my spine."

"What a haul, what a haul!"

Everyone in the classroom froze. They looked out the window.

Happosai bounded along the ground, followed closely by a mob of
girls wielding brooms.

"Damn, it's the old freak," Ranma said.

"Who?" Tagard asked.

"An old pervert. He's always stealing girls underwear and stuff.
Is always making trouble for everyone." Ranma opened the window and jumped
down. "Time to give it up, ya old freak!"

"Ah, Ranma!" Happosai said. "I was hoping to see you! This is
for stopping me two days ago!" He pulled out a Happo-fire-burst.

Up in the classroom, Tagard muttered something under his breath and
casually waved his hand.

*Wham!* *Boom!*

Tagard released the force dome he had created around Happosai, and watched
the crowd of angry girls commit violence on the old martial artist.

"Whoa," Daisuke said.

"That was beautiful," Hiroshi added. "A slam, an explosion, and followed
up with a savage beating."

When the girls finished and took back the stolen... items, a charred,
battered Happosai lay in a small crater. He crawled to his feet.

"Who... who did that!" he demanded.


Happosai looked up to see Tagard waving.

"Why you! How dare you interfere!" Happosai shouted.

"I always do what I'm best at," Tagard called down.

"Is that so? Take this! Happo-fire-burst!"

Tagard created another barrier and let the firework explode against

"Nice work, sonny," Happosai said from behind Tagard. "But you should
never lose track of your opponent."


"Aaaah!" Tagard screamed as he was shoved out the third-floor window.
He fell down halfway to the ground, stopped, started zigzagging in the air,
and crashed into the wall.

"Did I mention I also need to work on levitation?" Tagard shakily said.

Happosai cackled from where he stood on the windowsill.

Ranma helped Tagard up. "For some strange reason, I don't like him,"
the wiz... magus-in-training said.

"Join the club."

Screams were heard from the classroom. Ranma leapt up to the window,
only to be hit with Happosai.


"Oops!" said Akane. "Sorry, Ranma."

Ranma, Happosai, and Akane's mallet landed in a pile on the ground.

Happosai climbed on top of Ranma. "Akane, how could you?" He jumped
up toward her.


"Not again," Happosai said. He was slowly lowered to the ground in front
of Tagard. Happosai tried to push at his invisible prison.

"It's a full sphere," Tagard said. "Sledge."

Back in the classroom, a tiny spark leapt out of Tagard's spellbook,
and flew down to him. When it reached his hand, it grew into a large sledge

Happosai's eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't."

"Wanna bet?" Tagard brought the sledge hammer back like a golf club.



"I'll get yoooouuuuuuuu!"

"By that time, I hope to have come up with a plan," said Tagard. Then,
frowning, he looked down at his feet.

"Oh, sh-"

*Poof!* *BOOM!*

Ranma blinked. As the dust from the bomb cleared, a small wisp of
red smoke and a spark faded.



"-it!" Tagard yelped. He paused, and looked around.

"How did I... get up here?"

Tagard was standing on the top of the school's clock tower. He peered
over the edge of the roof.

"More to the point, HOW DO I GET DOWN!? HELP!"


This story is a second shot at my very first fanfic, "Insane Magic." The
original version, being my first attempt, wasn't quite as good, and had at some
point ended up missing a fair number of sections. If you actually want to see
it, it's on my site, , with all my other fics.
Send any comments, criticism, questions, etc... to
See you. Bye. Read my stuff.