Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me in any way. Characters
I have created on my own do. All (if any) cameos belong to whomever created/
owns them. Always remember, being sued is not a good thing.

" " is when someone is talking in Japanese
"~ ~" is when someone is talking in English
:: :: is one of Genma-panda's signs, or anything written down for that matter
/ / is thought
* * is sound effects

Insane Magic: Version 2 1/2
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
Written By Nathan Huss

I Control The Vertical.

(Cut to Happosai tossing Ranma into the air with his pipe.)

I Control The Horizontal.

(Cut to Akane smashing Kuno into a wall with her mallet.)

I Control... The Explosions!

(Cut to Tokyo Tower blowing up for no reason whatsoever.)

UKYO: "You really enjoy doing this, don't you?"

Can't You Tell?

UKYO: "I'm still not sure if you should be doing this."

I'm Taking This Gag For All It's Worth.

UKYO: "Suit yourself."


"~Now, add the powder.~"

Tagard sighed, and emptied a small vial into the brazier in front
of him.

"~Next, the chocolate sprinkles.~"

The magus-in-training whirled on his demon familiar. "~Oh, come

"~You think I'm lyin'?~" Rhinhok asked.

"~I doubt mages who lived over 10000 years ago had chocolate
sprinkles!~" Tagard shouted.

"~Well, no,~" the demon said. "~It's just a substitute. The real
ingredient hasn't been around for 'bout 7000 years.~"

Tagard sighed. "~Fine, I'll put them in.~"

"~That's better. Next step, add some chocolate syrup before the
sprinkles burn completely.~"

"~Yeah, right! Lemme see the book!~"

Rhinhok leaped back as Tagard lunged at him. "~Would I lie to

"~Yes! Sledge!~"


Tagard swung the summoned sledgehammer at Rhinhok, missing by inches.
The demon grew until it loomed over him. "~Cut that out!~"

"~Let me see the book then!~"


"~Fine! You want it? Here!~" Rhinhok lobbed the spellbook at Tagard.


"~Ooof!~" Tagard gasped as the tome knocked the air out of his lungs.
He managed to grab it before it dropped.

"~Return weapon,~" he said, banishing the sledgehammer. He turned the
pages to the spell they had been working on. "~Let's see, '... ignite oil,
add oak leaf, powdered blood, poisonous Raggun petals (this can be replaced
with chocolate sprinkles).'~" He blinked.

"~Tole ya,~" Rhinhok said smugly.

Tagard ignored that comment, and continued to read. "~'Before the
previous component is burned completely, add the sap of the Raggun plant
(which can be replaced with chocolate syrup). If not done in time, there
will be...'~"

Tagard froze, and dashed for the brazier. He was too late, though.


Rhinhok coughed in the thick cloud of smoke and dust. He peered
through the new skylight in the ceiling of the house.

"~It's amazing what chocolate can do.~"


Ranma and his father were sparring in the Tendo's yard.

"Getting slow, pop?" Ranma asked. "You haven't landed one hit yet."
He dodged around a kick, and returned with one of his own. Genma was
knocked toward the pond, but managed to prevent himself from falling in.

"Nice try, son," he said. "Now, get ready for-"


Both Saotomes looked towards Tagard's house, which now had a column
of smoke rising from one of the rooms.

"What was that?" they both asked.


They looked up.



Tagard fell from the sky, and landed right in the middle of the Tendo's
pond. He was wearing his usual clothes, except for a dark red and brown robe
(and now soaked, along with everything else he had on) with strange symbols
sewn in that he was wearing over everything. His hair was slightly singed,
but otherwise fine besides being wet. He sat up in the water, and examined

"~Cool. I didn't die. That's always good.~"

He scrambled out of the pond, shook out a few small fish, and
stretched. Tagard then noticed where he was. He grabbed his spellbook,
which had fallen onto a nearby rock, and cast his translation spell.

"Good morning, Ranma," he said. "What's with the panda?"

"That's my dad."

"Oh, the 'stupid old fool' you told me about?"

Genma-panda glared at his son.

"Yeah," said Ranma. "What just happened at your place?"

"Just trying out a divination spell. Unfortunately, I didn't add
the chocolate syrup in time."

"Huh? Chocolate syrup?"

Tagard nodded. "That was pretty much my reaction."

"Oh, hi Tagard," Akane said, walking out onto the porch. She looked
at him. "Why are you all wet?"

"For very important and convoluted reasons that I'd rather not talk
about right now because I'd probably end up making a fool of myself," the
wizard ("Magus-in-training, you stupid author!") replied.

"Um... ok, I guess."

Genma, who had been trying to get someone's attention, raised one of
his signs.

::Ranma, just who is this boy?::

"Oh, right. This is Tagard, from the U.S.," Ranma said. "He's moved
next door, and is in me and Akane's class at school."

::Why is he dressed like that?:: Genma asked.

"He's a wiz-"

Tagard coughed.

"- magus-in-training."

"Thank you," said Tagard. "If you'll excuse me, I have to go change
into dry clothes for school. Which way is the door?"

"Can't you just magic yourself dry, or something?" Ranma asked.

"Well, I suppose. I'd rather not, though."

"Why not?" Akane asked.

"The only way I can think of doing that is a variation of a fireball
spell. Besides, I have to go back to my house for breakfast anyway." He
frowned, and then hit his forehead with the heel of his hand. "Right. I
just blew up the kitchen. Damn."

"If you want, I'm sure my sister Kasumi could make some extra food,"
Akane offered. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind."

"Really?" Tagard asked. "That'd be great. Let me dry off then, so
I don't drip on your floor."

A bit later, they managed to extinguish his clothing.


Kasumi was able to prepare an extra serving for Tagard, who had had
to summon a new set of clothes for himself, and now everyone was sitting
down, eating. However, it was almost completely silent, as Tagard and
Happosai were having a glaring contest from opposite sides of the table.

"So, er... Tagard," Soun said cautiously. "Are you enjoying living
here in Nerima?"

Tagard nodded sharply, keeping an eye on Happosai.

"I hear that you are a wizard of some sort."

"A magus-in-training."

"Is there a difference?" Nabiki asked.

Tagard blinked. "I don't know. I guess there is. It was explained to
me one time, but I forget what exactly it is." He ate some of his food,
trying to remember.

"How did you become a magus-in-training?" asked Kasumi. "Is it very

Tagard shook his head. "Not particularly," he said. "At least I
don't think so. It usually runs in families."

"So your parents are also able to use magic?"

Tagard shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah..."

Before anything else could be said, a loud, booming shouted rattled
the house.

"~HEY, TAG!~"

Tagard groaned. "A vocal enhancement," he muttered. "As if he isn't
loud enough already." He cleared the table in front of him, and placed his
book on it.

"Recall partner demon."

There was a flash of red light, and Rhinhok appeared on top of the book
in his small form.

"~Oh, so here you are,~" the demon said. "~I was lookin' for where ya
landed. You hurt?~"

"No," Tagard said. "I managed to come out of it okay."

"What... what is this... thing?" Soun asked.

Rhinhok hopped over to him. "A demon. Gotta problem with that?"

"Oh, no. None at all."

"Glad ta hear it," Rhinhok said. Tagard reached across the table
and grabbed his demon by the back of its neck. He placed it on his shoulder.

"So, these are the neighbors?" asked Rhinhok.

"Uh-huh." Tagard introduced Rhinhok to the Tendo's, Genma, and,
reluctantly, Happosai. "Hey, where's Nabiki?"

"She left a little while after your friend arrived," Kasumi said.
"She didn't want to be late for school."

Tagard's eyes widened. Ranma and Akane, who were a lot quicker to
recover, had already run out.

Tagard grabbed his book, and ran out of the room full tilt. "Thanks
for breakfast!" he called back.


"Miss Hinako's gonna drain us if we're late," Ranma said.

"If you had been paying attention to what time it was, we wouldn't have
to worry about that," Akane replied.

"Hey, I didn't see you noticing either."

As Akane and Ranma neared the school, they saw Kuno standing at the
gate, waiting for them.

"At last you show thy cowardly face," Kuno said. "Prepare thyself,

Ranma prepared for his daily (if not short) fight with Kuno, but then
heard a sound behind him.

"Gangway!" Tagard shouted. Ranma and Akane quickly stepped to the side
to let him pass. As he zoomed by, they could see a slight afterimage behind

Kuno frowned, and leveled his bokken at the rapidly approaching
figure. "Halt!" he commanded.

Tagard attempted to brake, but was unsuccessful, and ended up
skidding into Kuno.


Magus and kendoist collided, knocking the latter down.


Ranma and Akane walked up behind him. "Hey, what took you so long to
get here?" Ranma asked.

"Hold on, I have to turn this off," Tagard said. He murmured a few
syllables, and a small red glow disappeared.

"Sorry about that," he said. "I had to dispel a spell I used to speed
myself up. I had to rush over to my house to grab all my stuff."

"`Cept he forgot to get the part for stopping right," Rhinhok said,
hopping out of Tagard's schoolbag.

"If I _had_, I would have been late anyway!"

"It was four measly words!"

"Sure, if you happen to have two tongues," Tagard retorted.

"Excuse me for your own genetic defects!"

"Silence!" Kuno shouted. "Who are you, who would assail the personage
of the Blue Thunder?"

"I'm Tagard. Now go away, we're having a discussion here."

"Dost thou think you can address the great Tatewaki Kuno in such a

"Hey, Kuno," Ranma said. "You don't want to bother them."

"So, you defend the varlet? No doubt he is a new ally of yours." He
turned to Tagard. "You there! Do you associate thyself with the fiend

Tagard paused in hitting Rhinhok over the head with the spellbook.
"What? Yeah, yeah, sure."

"As I thought. Prepare yourself!"

Tagard saw the wooden sword descending, and instinctively put up his
arms to block.

Rhinhok tackled Tagard, knocking him out of the blade's path.

"Better pay more attention to what people are doing," the demon said.
It turned to face Kuno, growing bigger as it did. "Listen, pal, just go away
before I have to rough ya up."

Kuno hesitated, but quickly recovered. "So, you conjure monsters to
defend yourself. No matter, I shall still smite thee!"

Rhinhok spun around on all his limbs, and used his tail to trip Kuno,
and then jumped on him down. Rhinhok bared his teeth right near Kuno's
face, and growled.

"Who're you calling a 'monster'?"

Kuno gulped. "Pardon, I must have misspoken."

"Right, buddy. I'm a demon, not a monster."

Kuno, along with everyone else, was a bit confused at the distinction.
"If you say so."

Rhinhok smiled, which didn't comfort Kuno any, and stepped off of the
kendoist. "Okay, you boys can fight now."

"What!?" Tagard shouted.

"Think of it as a progress test," said Rhinhok.

"This is for sticking you in the book before, isn't it."

"Well... yeah."


"Only too true."

"Stand and fight!" Kuno bellowed, charging at Tagard. He sliced
forward with his bokken.

Tagard raised both of his hands, and created a barrier. Kuno's
wooden sword bounced off, but Tagard lurched slightly.

Akane and Ranma began to go over to help, but Rhinhok stopped them.

"Just let the two of 'em duke it out for a bit," it said.


"Don't worry, I won't let anything _really_ bad happen to Tag."

Kuno tried to maneuver around the magic shield, but Tagard kept it
directly between them.

"Coward," Kuno said. "Why dost thou hide behind such protection?
Come and do battle!"

"I'll fight my own way, thank you," Tagard said. He raised his
arms. "~Hegelt zri tethka tlask!~"

Tagard's form blurred, and spread out. Soon, there were four
identical Tagards facing Kuno.

"Wow," Ranma said. "What's that one?"

"'Compass Split'," answered Rhinhok. "It creates three ambulatory
illusions of the caster, which act just like the real one."

"Which is the real one?" asked Akane.

The Tagards grinned.




"-isn't it?"

"Such petty tricks cannot fool the great Tatewaki Kuno," Kuno said.
"I strike!"

All of the Tagards jumped out of the way. Moving quickly, they formed
a circle around the kendoist. Kuno lashed out at one, only to have his
bokken pass through it.


"-wrong one."

"Care to-"

"-try again?"

Kuno began to look worried.

"Looks like Tagard's going to win," Akane said.

"Only if he hurries up," Rhinhok muttered.

Kuno attacked another one of the Tagards, which dodged out of the
way. Then, all of them grabbed for the bokken.

"So, you think to disarm me?" asked Kuno. "Methinks not!" He
wrenched the wooden blade away from them and swung in a long horizontal arc.
It passed through one of them, and then hit something a few inches in front
of the next. The air crackled, and three of the Tagards flickered for a

"Thought so," Rhinhok said.

"What is it?" Ranma asked.

"Tagard has too many spells running. He's currently using the
translation, his school uniform illusion, the Compass Split, and a shield.
All of them are overtaxing his personal magic reserves."

Kuno attacked the Tagard that had not flickered. Forced to retreat,
the real Tagard dispelled the other images of himself.

"Ha ha! I have seen through your deception!" Kuno boasted. "Will
you surrender now, dark sorcerer?"

"It's 'magus-in-training,' and no!"

"Then have at thee! Attack-attack-attack-attack-attack-attack-attack-

Releasing his patented flurry of strikes, Kuno struck at Tagard's shield.
With each blow, Tagard would stumble slightly, and the shield would crackle.

Tagard made a few mystic passes with his hand, and started chanting some
unknown phrase. Rhinhok, seeing this, paled (and that's pretty hard to do
when you have scales). He grabbed Ranma and Akane, and galloped behind a wall.

"What's the big idea?" Ranma asked as the demon put them down.

"Ya don't wanna be close by when he does this next spell. I'd suggest
covering yer ears."

The two martial artists followed Rhinhok's advice, but peeked over
the wall to see what was happening.

Kuno was close to breaking through the shield and each time it was hit
a wave of pain seemed to hit Tagard. Eventually, Tagard jumped back and got
rid of the shield completely.

"I have you now!" Kuno shouted, preparing for the finishing blow. Tagard
braced his feet and took a deep breath.

"Here it comes," Rhinhok said.

A piercing shriek echoed across the school grounds. Almost visible
waves of sound spread out from Tagard in a sphere. Those students still
outside clapped their hands to their ears, and tried to move away from the
source of the clamor. Several windows in the school on the wall facing
Tagard were shattered instantly, while others developed large cracks.

Kuno, being closest to the noise, was blaster by the wall of sound.
He was sent flying backward, until he crashed into a tree. He slumped to
the ground, unconscious.

The shriek eventually died down, and the students uncovered their ears.

Ranma and Akane jogged over to Tagard, followed by Rhinhok.

"Good job," Ranma said. "You really got him."

"What was that, anyway?" Akane asked. "I almost thought my eardrums
were going to burst."

"'Cry of the Banshee'," Tagard said in a hoarse voice. "Only attack
spell I've mastered."

"It's hell on the vocal cords," said Rhinhok. He shrank and jumped
onto Tagard's shoulder. "Luckily, the caster is immune to the sound itself.
Sword-boy there, on the other hand, won't be hearing things for about a day
or so."

"Too bad that probably won't stop him from talking," Ranma said.

Akane and Tagard nodded in agreement.

"Wait, aren't we forgetting something?" Tagard asked.


"Saotome, Tendo, and Tagard, late," Miss Hinako said. "Fill up some
buckets and stand in the hall."

Ranma and Akane sighed in relief that Hinako wasn't going to drain
their ki.

"By the way, Mr. Tagard," the child-like teacher added, "pets are
not allowed in school."

"I am _not_ a _pet_! I am an extradimensional entity!"

Hinako's eyes widened. "It can talk? Neat! I want one!"


Akane, Ranma, and Tagard walked home from school. Rhinhok was taking
a nap on his usual place on Tagard.

"Why does he like it there so much?" Akane asked.

"It's a convenient spot for him," Tagard said. "It's hard for him to
fall off from there, and he gets a higher viewpoint than if he were on the ground."

"How'd you meet him?" asked Ranma.

"A magus usually gets a demon when they start their training, as a
mentor and companion. Rhinhok actually used to work with my great-great-
grandfather. When he retired, he gave me his book, and Rhinhok came along
with it."

"Your great-great-grandfather? How old is he?" Akane asked.

"Last he checked, about 365 years," said Tagard. "He figured he was
starting to get old."

"Starting?" Ranma said.

Tagard smiled. "I know, I know. It's just that mages have longer
life spans from using magic. I think it sort of slows down aging."

"That must be why the freak and the ghoul haven't croaked yet,"
Ranma said.

"Who? There's a ghoul in town?"

"Not really," Akane said. "She's-"



"Nihao, Ranma!" Shampoo said, landing her bicycle on his head. "You
take Shampoo on date today?"

Tagard blinked.

"Shampoo," Ranma mumbled. "Do you mind getting off my skull?"

"Oh, okay." She rolled the bike down his back, and then parked.

"Do bikes fall from the sky often?" Tagard asked Akane.

"Only hers," Akane replied, glaring at the amazon.

Tagard shrugged. "So long as it doesn't fall on me, I don't mind."

Shampoo glanced at the blond haired magus-in-training. "Who you?"

"Tagard. Magus-in-training."

"Is strange name," she said. "What that on you shoulder?"

"A demon." Tagard controlled himself from commenting on her own name.
/Is everyone here used to things like mages?/ Then, he peered at her.

"Why you look at Shampoo?" Shampoo asked. "You get in trouble if you
stare at amazon warrior."

Tagard shook his head. "Just checking something. You wouldn't happen
to have one of those Jusenkyo curses as well?"

"Shampoo does. Change into cat," she answered. Ranma shivered a bit.
"How you know about curses?"

"He saw mine," Ranma said. "For some reason they seem to mess up his
own magic."

"Why they do that?"

"I don't know," Tagard said. "It hasn't come up much, though."

Of course, just then a light shower rained down. It stopped after a
minute or two.

"~Thank you very much!~" Tagard yelled at the sky. "~I didn't need a
visual aid!~"

"C-c-c-cat!" Ranma ran down the street at about Mach 2, followed
closely by Shampoo-neko.

Tagard shook his head. /I don't even want to know./


Akane and Tagard brought Shampoo's bike back to the Nekohaten. Ranma
and Shampoo had found their way there, and had changed back already. Akane
went over to pry Shampoo off of Ranma.

Tagard looked around the restaurant, and seemed to be looking for
something. As he did, Rhinhok woke up.

"*Yaaaaaaaaawn!* We home yet?"

He hopped down onto a table. Noticing Tagard's distracted state,
he looked around himself.

"A restaurant? We eating out?" His eyes narrowed. "Wait, why do
I sense...? Hey, Cologne!"

Cologne hopped out of the kitchen. "Yes? What is- Rhinhok?"

The demon grinned. "I thought I recognized that aura. Howya doin'?"

"You know her?" Ranma and Tagard asked.

"Sure! Tag's great-great-grandpa once ended up in her village.
Musta been, oh, 115 years ago?"

"117, to be exact," Cologne said, hopping over to the table. "How
is Teglandi doing?"

Rhinhok shrugged. "He retired from the biz about 12 years ago, and
gave his tome to Tagard here. Of course, where it goes..."

Cologne examined Tagard. "I see."

Rhinhok turned to Tagard. "This here's Cologne. Teg and I had gone
to China when we heard about the bunch of magic items her village had, and
barely got out."

"What do you mean?" Tagard asked.

Ranma groaned. "Don't tell me..."

Cologne nodded. "Yes, he almost married one of our tribe. Unfortunately,
he managed to find a clause in the tribal laws that allowed him to escape."

"Which was?" Ranma asked.

She glanced at him. "Nothing you could use, son-in-law. It applies
to the fact that he did not directly fight his opponent."

Ranma sulked. "Damn."

"So, what are you doin' around here?" Rhinhok asked.

"My great-granddaughter Shampoo is married to this boy."

"She is not, old ghoul!" Ranma shouted.

Rhinhok snickered. "Tough luck, kid."

"What about yourself?" Cologne asked. "From what I remember, most of
Asia is far outside the Order's sphere of influence."

"Not a clue," replied Rhinhok. "They told Tag to come here, and that
was that."

Tagard nodded. "They wouldn't even let me ask why. The only thing I
can think of now is that it might have something to do with the Jusenkyo

"Is that so? Why do you think that?"

"They seem to-"


Akane had just poured a glass of water over Shampoo, who hadn't let go
of Ranma. Tagard massaged his forehead while Ranma ran around the room in
fear as Shampoo chased him.

"~This is becoming too much of a regular occurrence,~" he mumbled.
Sighing, he opened the spellbook again.

"I believe I understand," Cologne said.

Rhinhok watched Ranma's antics for a second. "~Hey Tag, I'm hungry.
Howzabout we buy some food?~"

"~Sure, I guess. I think I've got some money on me.~"

Cologne nodded. "~I'll prepare some for the two of you.~"

"When did you learn English?" Rhinhok asked, surprised.

"I picked it up some time after you had left. It seemed like it would
come in handy one day." She went into the kitchen.

Tagard put down his book, and grabbed a nearby cup of tea. As Ranma
and Shampoo sped past, he splashed it on the girl-turned-cat.

"Whew, thanks man." Ranma collapsed into a chair.

"~What did you say? Oh, damn it!~" Tagard started banging his head
on the table.

"He very strange person," Shampoo said.

"It's part of the package deal," said Rhinhok. "At least he won't
become eccentric for a couple decades. I hope."

Ranma and Akane managed to stop Tagard before he seriously hurt himself
or broke the table, and he cast the translation spell once more.

"I swear, if that happens one more time, I'm going to get _really_
angry at someone," he muttered.

"Aw, is widdle Taggy getting mad?" Rhinhok asked.

"Entrap," Tagard growled.

"Oh, shi-"


Later, back at his house, Tagard flopped onto his bed.

"~Gods, I am sooooo tired.~"

His spellbook bounced around where he had placed it on a desk.

"~C'mon, I was only joking! Let me out of this thing!~" Rhinhok pleaded.

Tagard shook his head. "~You can stay in there all night for all I
care. I'm going to sleep.~"

"~Damn it! Just let me out!~"

"~Full contain.~"

Rhinhok's face was sucked back into the cover, and the book stopped

After a few minutes, Tagard was snoring quietly. Soon, a small figure
appeared at the window and opened it. It snuck inside silently, and grabbed
the spellbook before heading back out.

Back in his room, Happosai grinned as he examined Tagard's book. "I'll
show that young brat he can't cross me and get away with it." He opened to
the first page.


Happosai blinked as Rhinhok rose out of the book. "~Love that emergency
release spell.~" He grew to about twice the size of Genma-panda. "Well,
well. Looks like we have a thief on our hands," Rhinhok said.


The next morning, an extremely beaten up Happosai limped to the Tendo's
breakfast table.


And so ends the second chapter of Insane Magic: Version 2 1/2. Send
any comments, criticism, questions, and whatnot to Wakoid2@aol.com. Read
this and other fics of mine at . I start on
the next chapter now. G'bye.