A/N: By request on a certain forum, I'm publishing this piece of crack as an testimony to what should never be. Just. Never.
All of them, Shredder decided as a pony soared over his head, effectively covering him with a fine spray of sparkly dust. All of them must suffer a horrible fate.
The utrom did know know where he was, but the only reasonable explanation was Hell. Provided he had expected it to be a tad hotter, with the inhabitants perhaps a mite less fuzzy, google-eyed, or otherwise adorable, but he was ninety-four percent positive that this was no longer New York.
He spotted a life form that looked suspiciously like the furry globs Hun would occasionally pull from between his toes. It opened its obscenely shiny eyes, toddled about aimlessly for a number of seconds, then presently ducked into a ball and rolled in the direction of a rainbow. More sparkly ponies flew overhead.
Yes. He was in Hell.
"Hello, Mister!" Shredder turned to see an earth-bound pony trotting up to him, blinking her gorgeous orbs and tossing about her gloriously glorious mane. "My name is Tiddlywinks!" He spotted an assortment of rainbow dots on her posterior, and almost wondered if she perhaps suffered from a strain of leprosy that was just as colorful as the rest of this damned place, or if she merely scraped her bum on a rainbow. "Who're you?"
"I am Shredder, master of the urban jungle!" He announced, thrusting his gauntlets toward the sky and waiting for the obligatory Flash of Villain Lightning™. Unfortunately for him, it probably didn't rain here. Ever.
"You're silly!" Tiddlywinks giggled and pranced in a circle about him, and he briefly worried that she was performing an unholy ritual upon his soul. "What're you doing here?"
"I will destroy you," he offered.
She didn't look quite as concerned as a certain group of terrapins would have, and lazily rolled about in the grass. "Uh-huh, sure you will! But you have to catch me first!" Springing to her feet, she reared on her hind legs and spun about.
Shredder decided that if he was in Hell, he may as well enjoy it in the best way he could. Reaching out and grabbing the evil demon's tail, he yanked her backwards, raising his gauntlet threateningly as he debated where to stick it.
"Ow! Heehee, okay, you wiAHHHhhgggggkkkkkkk!" Tiddlywinks exclaimed as claws pierced her lovely magenta neck, her luminous eyes growing so wide that the sun wept in shame. She writhed cutely for quite some time before collapsing onto the lush grass.
Shredder, meanwhile, grinned in quite an evil manner as he pulled his claws out, eager for the dribble of blood to soon follow. His hopes were thwarted, however, when a distinct slurping sound filled the air around the wound. He lifted his weapon, aghast at the sticky brown liquid dripping from it.
A bird fluttered by and scooped up a mouthful of caramel, then flew away.
An array of high-pitched gasps sounded behind him, and he spun to an army of ponies, horror written onto their faces. "You killed Tiddlywinks!" (And Shredder thought Batman was the detective.)
Fury suddenly lit up their eyes, but it was more endearing than frightening. "Get him!"
The next few minutes proceeded in showers of caramel and cotton candy, though he did find himself pelted with the occasional jawbreaker and a few quarts of chocolate milk. Although Shredder always had a jolly good time killing things, he couldn't help but miss the spray of blood and cries of anguish. At least, the cries of anguish that didn't sound like they were coming from eight-year-old girls.
He was so caught up in his nostalgia that he failed to realize that all of the sugary content was quickly hardening over his armor. With a creak and no small amount of surprise, Shredder found himself glued to a mound of sweet, pony goodness.
"What shall we do with him?" An emerald green pony asked, oozing jelly from a gash in her forehead. At least it looked like blood.
"Let's drown him in the Happy River of Goodness and Love," shrieked a voice from the back. The ponies glanced at each other, nodded, and tied ropes along their assailant's form, dragging him towards the river.
As they neared the crystal-clean body of water, Shredder almost wept in joy—so this wasn't Hell! He could die! He could escape! The hope stirred loving, alien-like feelings within him. He scarcely noticed as a pair of not-quite-hooves crashed into his armor, grinning when water began seeping into the abdominal cavity.
As he sunk to the depths of his grave, he only hoped that the Happy River of Goodness and Love was better at killing him than those four ninja freaks were.