Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't own. No money being made.
Swashing, Maybe A Little Buckling
"I may throw up on you."
"Uh. Eew." Captain Jim's nose scrunched up in distaste, but the phaser didn't waver, which was a pity.
Jo just raised an expectant eyebrow and waited, hands still in the air- such a cliché.
"And, for future reference, you probably shouldn't tell your captors that you're going to, you know, puke on them."
"I don't plan on making this a habit. And would you rather I buttoned my lip and just surprised you with it?"
"Yeah. Thought not." Actually, a lot of things about this whole debacle were a shame. Daddy had told her not to take the small shuttle, to wait for the larger cruiser, but she hadn't listened. Course, he was going on about spontaneous decompression, but that didn't matter so much, because if there was anything he liked more than Jo and brandy and medicine, it was being fucking right. Daddy was gonna be pissed. And once she was safe, he would never, ever shut up about it.
"You do realize that I'm a pirate, and you're a hostage, right? I mean, I thought it was pretty obvious and all, but-"
"Yeah. Got that."
"Because, you seem awfully un-" He motioned with the hand not occupied by a weapon. "Flustered."
"Want me to swoon? Southern belle-like." She was southern, but her accent wasn't nearly so thick as her dad's. She could play the belle, but she was more redheaded and grey-eyed than Scarlet O'Hara.
The Captain, however, was no Rhett Butler. Wasn't a Lafitte either.
That was another pity. Pirate Jim was remarkably unintimidating. And remarkably cute. It was like being taken hostage by a golden retriever. She wanted to roll up a newspaper and smack him on the nose. He'd probably get the same soulful whipped puppy look, too.
She should be more afraid, but he looked so sheepish about the entire thing that it was difficult to summon up fright.
The wonky inertial dampeners were threatening to summon up lunch, though.
She guessed it must have shown on her face, because he looked mildly alarmed and waved at the trash can.
She hit the trash can, of course, but she didn't not hit his shoes.
"Hey. There's no Jo Darnell on the ship manifest. Just a Joanna Treadway, headed to Abraxis X." He pushed his glasses up and looked down at the PADD in his hand.
"I go by Darnell."
"I have to know who to talk to in order to ransom you. I have a lot of stuff to do, and not a lot of time to do it in."
"Mom's dead and my stepdad won't care. I was going to my father. Abraxis X."
"Coincidental," Jim mumbled, looking a bit cross.
"Nothing. Who's your father? We need to contact him."
"It's two weeks out at warp four. No way you can transmit info like that in this heap."
"This? Is a great ship. I did all the major upgrades myself. You throw it, it can handle it."
"A heap. With a stupid name."
"My horse was named-"
"And the head smells."
Jim sighed."Your father?"
Joanna just grinned, making Captain Jim look distinctly uncomfortable. "Do a bit of research. You know, files. On a PADD. Reading."
"Ha ha." He shook the PADD at her.
"Do you just look at the pretty pictures?"
"You have a lip on you. You don't last long in this business by being stupid, thank you very much. I do tons of paperwork."
"You embraced a daring life of crime and still have to do paperwork?"
"Yes. And you are making more of it."
"Please. Quit channeling my best friend. It's disturbing." He looked her up and down, frankly.
"Looking your prisoner's girl parts." Jo started to work up some tears, eyes going wide. "Should I worry? I mean, I'm your captive, right? I'm at your mercy."
Jim shifted, and started to look really uncomfortable.
"I have no control. And I'm all alone." She almost ruined it by smiling in triumph when she was able to get her chin to wibble. "And so scared…"
The Captain was out of there like a bat outta hell, the tinny sound of the door ringing behind him.
She couldn't stop the laughter from bubbling up.
"Okay. See, I totally fell for that."
It was two days later and Captain Kirk was standing in her door again. Food had been brought to her often by some bohunk with hunched shoulders and a nervous, shy manner. What the fuck. As pirates went, this was a complete washout.
"And that's how I knew it was bullshit."
"Right. And it took you two days to figure it out. You genius, you."
He moved farther into the room and sat down in the institutional style chair. Jo didn't shift from the narrow bed, and pretended to read her two years out of date copy of Engineer's Quarterly. They hadn't given her a PADD because she might turn out to be some sort of Houdini with it. Or something.
"Actually, we've been ransoming most of the other passengers. They were at least smart enough to cooperate. "
"We have wildly divergent ideas about smart, Captain."
She wasn't prepared for the unfettered grin that graced his face, because- goddamn. She was not going to be that girl. Fuck Stockholm.
"I don't know about that. I think our ideas get along like potatoes and gravy."
"Should I put delusional next to criminal, and stupid?" And pretty. But she kept that one to herself. "Above or below disappointing?"
"Disappointing? How do I," he nodded and did a ta-da motion, indicating his chest area, "disappoint?"
"It's been four days."
"I haven't heard even one Arr."
She shook her head mournfully. "Sorry. Just isn't the same."
"Do you play checkers?"
It was several days later, and she had barely seen him except for brief check-ins here and there as he ran all over the ship, sometimes with forms, sometimes covered in grease. But once again Jim was standing in the doorway.
"Only know strip chess. Gotta be checkers." He held up a board like a shield. "Oh! I have cards too."
"Only know strip poker. Go fish?"
Jo huffed."You total failure."
Jim nodded. "It's why I left Earth. They were jealous of my mad go fish skills."
Jo cocked her head at an angle, as if she was seeing him for the first time. "Why did you leave Earth anyway?"
He lost the easy smile he had and looked away. "Well." He cleared his throat. "I didn't so much leave Earth, as much as I never really had her to begin with."
The silence that followed was acute.
"Deal the cards."
"Yeah. A bit of a selection. We got." His eyes traveled the list. "Alien. Twelve Angry Men. Stars Fall. The Vulcan Conspiracy. Alien. Everything Chuck Norris. The Pirates of Penzance. Alien. It Happened on Betazed- Monty likes chick flicks, and…Alien."
"Will there be popcorn?"
The look he sent her said Oh, Please.
"Fine. The Pirates of Penzance." Didn't even need to look at him. It was like she could hear his face fall.
"And then Alien."
"We ransomed the last of the prisoners."
She glared at him, ignoring her handheld video game.
"I mean, the rest of the prisoners."
"And this means what to me."
"You weren't bullshitting about Abraxis X were you? Because that's where we're going."
"Just to ransom me?
"It's two weeks at four."
"We're going warp two."
"This ship is rated for eight."
Jim scratched his head. "Max eight."
"Is still eight."
If he had a can to kick, he would have kicked it. "My girl needs a break."
"At lunch you were bragging about how- and I quote- fucking crazy awesome- your ship is."
"She stays fucking crazy awesome by being pampered sometimes. This is one of those times."
Jo's eyebrow called bullshit.
And he fled.
"I thought you only played strip poker?"
"With this group? Are you crazy?"
"Well now, there was that time ya-"
"Hey! That was totally exaggerated. I still don't want to know what you keep under that kilt."
The Scottish guy laughed, fueled by what looked to be alcohol. Everyone else at the table rolled their eyes at what must have been an oft told joke.
"Jo. This is everyone. Everyone, this is Joanna."
Everyone seemed to smirk, but only the Scottish guy held out a hand, taking hers and kissing it. "Miss Joanna. Montgomery Scott, at your service. Lass, tell me. Do ya play poker?"
She pushed Jim out of the way and poked Monty in the shoulder till he shifted to make room for her. She sat, cracking her knuckles. "Pour me a beer and find out."
Monty began to look nervous, but did as she instructed.
The burly guy from before, Cupcake, dealt her in, and a woman with redder hair than hers, and an evil grin, pushed a drink in her direction. She was examining her cards as the conversation they had interrupted slowly emerged once again.
"And so I says, shake it, don't break it, and what do you know, it detached, and she slapped me with this extra hand, and how was I supposed to see that coming, I ask you-"
"We've got that shipment of the you-know-what that's going to you-know-who. We can't take on any more-"
"This? This tastes like Klingon sweat compared to what my uncle makes at home. Why-"
"There was this time that Jim. Yeah, I'm talking about you. That Jim decided it would be a good idea to. Ha ha. This is great. He decided to. Great guy, Jim. He decided-"
Hours later, as she sat in front of a mound of credits, she looked around at all of the happy, drunken faces and couldn't help but wonder aloud, just as drunk and happy.
"You guys are complete shit at the pirate thing."
Jim, who had been silent through most of it, looked ridiculously pleased.
Jim came bounding into the room, but stopped dead in his tracks.
Jo picked up the nearest towel and wound it around her naked torso, eyebrow of death hard at work. His eyes were skittering over her shape, from the wavy copper of her hair curling over her shoulders, to the toes that had just gotten a coat of polish thanks to Gaila whatshername. He had made pit stops in between the two, and she could tell from the frantic bad-no-wrong look in his eyes that he really wanted her to turn around so he could check out her ass too.
"Failed rhetoric, huh?"
Well, daddy always called her an evil wench. She turned around and bent over to pick up her hairbrush where she had dropped it.
She smiled as the door sounded once more.
"The skipper lay with his nob in gore, Where the scullion's axe his cheek had shore."
"And there they lay, and the soggy skies. Dripped down in up-staring eyes, In murk sunset and foul sunrise."
Then the two voices, one a brogue, the other laughing and feminine, came together."Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!"
Jim rounded the corner, just as Monty and Jo knocked back another shot. After the liquor was gone, Jo licked her tongue into the glass to pick up any stray drops. Then she laughed again, and her eyes lit up, and that amusement park smile rocketed around his stomach, a caged bird bashing itself against the bars.
"Heh. Yeah. I gotta…go…do…"
He backed away from their inquisitive expressions, and took the long way to the forward deck instead.
Monty waited until his steps had faded.
"When ya goin' ta put him outta his misery?"
"Eh. I'm having fun."
"Poor bastard." He set up another round of shots. "Poor, sad bastard."
"You're the poor, sad bastard. I don't see you getting any. I, at least, know that he's eventually going to get laid."
Monty laughed. "The frustration will do him a world o' good."
Jo wiped her mouth with the back of a hand. "Like I said. Eventually."
"Yer a cruel woman, Jo. Remind me of a good friend. Doc McCoy, him an' the Cap'n are like…like…some really close thing. Peas. Like fuckin' peas. 'Scuse my French."
The smirk on Joanna's face was so familiar, but Monty couldn't quite put his finger on it.
"Okay. Maybe not quite that close."
"See. About that…"
Two heads looked up from the board where a wasteland of chess figures remained. Both women looked at each other, then back at Jim with confusion. The confusion cleared when the red alert sounded.
Jim grabbed Jo by the arm and shoved a phaser into her hand before dragging her behind him.
"Gaila, help Monty. We need a boost to the aft torpedoes."
"Duct tape it if you have to!"
The ship rocked with a sudden impact, but they both managed to stay upright. Jim was running, hitting his com along the way. "How're the shields Monty?"
"Holding, but the starboard shields are thinner than the rest. Another hit and they might fail."
They were full tilt when they hit the bridge. "Evasive maneuvers."
"Already on it. It won't hold them long."
"I know. When that shield comes down, they're going to beam in." Jim hit his com again. "Crew of the Billy Budd, we are in danger of being boarded. As soon as the next hit lands I need you all to be on guard against intruders."
There was a chorus of Aye Captains.
"Eris class. A bit larger than us, but probably poorly manned. I'm not expecting many, but don't be surprised. Good luck. Kirk out."
Things were tense as the pilot worked feverishly. They heard his soft "Oh, shit," before they felt the impact. Everything shuddered.
"Twenty percent. Ten. It's going-"
There was a shimmer of transport before them, and Jim quickly pushed Jo behind him, then down, before firing on one, then another. They went down, but a third evaded a blast from the helmsman and got Jim in the shoulder. It was a glancing blow, off target, so it left a hole that crisped at the edges, but didn't put him out.
Joanna got the guy in the chest, sending him, sprawled, into a console.
"Shit. Ouch. Bailey, you have a fix on our guests?"
"Two aft. One starboard. Two engineering. And these chuckleheads."
"I'm for engineering." He made to rush out, then paused for a moment.
Jo felt herself yanked once more, this time into a kiss. She could feel Jim smile into it.
"You make a sexy damsel in distress."
"I'll damsel you."
But she wasn't sure if he heard her. He was already out the door.
"Kirk here. Got 'em. I need everyone to check in."
There was another chorus of aye's.
"Who we missing?"
"Cupcake and Nichols didn't respond."
"And our parasites?"
"Gone. Still have lifesigns for Cupcake and Nichols, sir. Aft, deck two."
"I'm headed there."
"Gimme that thing you blue sonovabitch." Jim heard a scuffle on Bailey's end, and then it was all Jo.
"Jim. Meet me at the stairs. You're injured."
"I've got to-"
"They're probably injured as well."
"I've had some medic training."
"I'm a doctor."
"You love me."
"I tolerate you. Barely."
Jim rounded the corner and saw her at the top of the stairs, hands on her hips and eyes screaming murder.
"A doctor huh?" He grinned.
This time she grabbed his arm and dragged him behind her.
"I love a woman on top."
"How are they?" Jim leaned over her shoulder to examine the data readout on the substandard tricorder that was the only one in the ship stores.
"Nichols, small concussion. Cupcake. Must be your doing. No grown man would call himself-"
"But how's he doing?"
"Fine. It'll scar. Your dermal regenerator is shit."
"He's a pirate. It'll look dashing. Manly."
"Uh, huh. Pirate."
"Hey, just because we don't go around indiscriminately killing people, doesn't mean we aren't pirates. I stole a cargo of goods, and you, remember?"
Jim turned her around to face him and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips before pulling back and grinning.
"How's the shoulder?"
"Who cares about the shoulder?" He wiggled his eyebrows in a way he probably thought charming, but made him look like a jackass.
"It's fine." He ran his hands up her arms and stood a bit closer. "I was thinking."
"I was thinking that you being a prisoner is totally not working out, so I'm freeing you."
"We're in the middle of nowhere. And, hello. You already gave me a phaser."
"Well, now it's official. And we can go on a date."
"And you don't find this even a little bizarre?"
His eyes scrunched up a little in confusion. "Why?"
Joe closed her eyes and said a little prayer for her sanity. "Yes. Fine. I'll go on a date with you."
He never even saw the hypospray coming, but the look on his face as he grabbed his neck screamed betrayal.
"After you get some rest. That shoulder needs it." She managed a quick kiss before he passed out.
He showed up at her door in a suit.
A suit. Holy mother of-
"Hi." He smiled, shyly. Which was bullpucky, because he didn't even have a shy hair follicle. Good look on him, though. "You look nice."
"You didn't jettison my stuff."
"Hey. That's the kind of thing I don't know how to respond to. Is there precedent for dating your former hostage?"
"Yes. Generally along the lines of don't do it and run like hell."
He had the grace to blush. "Other than that."
She rolled her eyes and poked him in the shoulder. "What are we doing?"
"In the mess with everyone?"
As they walked down the hall they ran into every single crewmember. Most of them didn't say anything, just gave them huge, shit-eating grins. Only Monty approached, needing a signature on a few supply forms. By the time they made it to the mess, Jim was turning red again, but Jo was no longer looking at him.
"Wow." And it was. Everything was spotless and covered in white tablecloths that she realized must be sheets. The lights were turned down low, and someone had brought out a screen that had a visual of a nebula, which must be a recording, because they were currently in warp. No candles, but there were twinkling lights nested here and there. The table held a plate of bruschetta with a mix of olives and capers. And was that sparkling wine? "This is- nice."
He made a strangled noise.
"But, you know." She looked at him and gave his hand a squeeze. "I would have been happy with beer and a movie."
He just looked at her.
"Thank fuck for that!" He ducked his head and gave her a sloppy tongue kiss before steering her right back out of the mess.
"I hate that shit."
He led her to a door she hadn't previously entered, keying in the code before pressing her in. The door had barely shut before he was on her, tongue invading her mouth as he clasped her face in two large hands.
"Please, please, please tell me you fuck on the first date." He was busy pressing hot, open mouthed kisses to her neck and the side of her face, tongue tracing wetly over the shell of her ear, and fuck, wasn't that the best thing ever.
"I." She had to stop to let out a gasp as his hands pressed against her breasts, cupping with a flex of fingers, thumbs circling nipples that were already painful from arousal. "I thought about that before you arrived."
"And? Kind of dying here." The full length of him was tight against her. His cock long and fucking fantastic against her abdomen, and her mouth almost watered at the thought of working it inside.
"I wrote my answer down."
"Shit." He was rutting against her, rubbing against one thigh as he let his hands travel, plucking at her body, eventually teasing at her clit through her clothes, and oh my god, if he didn't continue doing that thing-
"Go ahead and read it."
"Where? And how? Oh dear God-"
"Between my legs."
He groaned and rested his face against her neck. "That. Was cheesy."
"Well, if you can't beat them."
"You can beat me any day."
She might have said more, but it was swallowed by his mouth.
"Fuck. We may have broken it." Jim fell to the side after his third orgasm.
"Almost worth it." He rolled to his side to look at her, running a lazy finger down her flank. "You. Are the most awesome girl of all time. Ever."
She smiled into his hair. "A bit slow on the uptake, there."
He was too sated to feel miffed, so he just huffed.
"Really. The rest of the crew's known for weeks."
"Please. I knew as soon as you puked on me."
They fucked like wild monkeys on every available surface. It got so out of hand that the crew started carrying cameras, hoping the shame would curb their spontaneity a bit.
That was how they discovered Jo's heretofore unknown exhibitionist streak.
Gaila was still laughing.
"You know, you were supposed to be helping Monty with- mmph."
Jim hitched her up against him, pressing her back against the wall. Her legs came up to wrap around him, which was fucking stupid, because-
"Goddamit. Who gave you the overalls? I'll keelhaul them." His kiss was heavy and invading, tongue on a mission of search and destroy. Hands hurriedly fumbled with clasps until he could yank down the bib.
"Skirts. Captain's order. Skirts." He lowered her legs just long enough to slide the denim down her legs, and shit! No underwear, so the legs were locked back around him and two fingers were pressing into her, and she was so fucking wet. His thumb found her clit and almost made her climb the wall because it was almost- almost too much.
"Oh, God. Fuck. Fuck me. If you don't get your cock into me right this second, I'm gonna- Ah!"
The flared head pressed in as he brought up the fingers that had been inside her, tracing her lips with them, letting her suck them inside before licking at her once more.
He was too easy to rile up, because he was suddenly there, full length, filling her so good. He pulled back sharply, pulling her up and letting her drop back down, taking him in hard and fast, and it was like a breaking damn, because suddenly she couldn't tell you what was happening because needneedneed surpassed everything like technique and rhythm and finesse.
His mouth was at her ear, and she was sure he was trying to say something fabulous and dirty and so fucking wrong, but it was all breathless grunts and great gulps of air and that sexy moan that sounded as if he was dying. She could only meet him with whimpers of her own as he stretched her and battered at her, and yeah, it would sting a bit in the morning, but that was attractive all on its own.
He must have found some sort of comprehension somewhere, or maybe he just had a fabulous autopilot, because his hand came between them and found her clit, and he didn't fucking rub, he pinched, and-
"Oh God, oh God, oh God!" Her vision burst into x-ray as she spasmed around him, bucking and shaking, choking down a yell. It seemed to last forever, and she was just starting to ease when he buried his head in her neck, biting down on a shout of his own as he came high inside her. One wonky leg kept spasming, even as he pulled out and pulled her back and around, bearing her to the bed. He slid down her body like an eel, sucking her clit into his mouth, grazing it with teeth, and she screamed, because, dear lord, she was going to come again.
When it was all over and he was spooned around her, hand on her breast, she laughed.
"I guess you aren't a complete disaster as a pirate."
"Like I said. Mad skills."
Joanna looked up expectantly, but instead of continuing he just stood there, whipped puppy look back in place, even though she hadn't seen it in weeks.
"Abraxis X, approximately two days."
"Monty told me."
Jim sat down across from her, putting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. "You looking forward to seeing your dad?"
"I haven't seen him in a while. It'll be great. It's mostly been subspace since he left Earth. Mom kind of made it unlivable for him."
"Yeah." Jim popped back up, and began pacing. "What are you going to do down there? I mean, it's kind of a backwater shithole. Hard to get supplies." He looked at her, a frown gathering between his eyes. "You know I'm mostly a smuggler, right? Because Federation trade this far out, stinks. The piracy only happens when there's a critical need and nothing available. Then we intercept other transports carrying the stuff we have to have. More boredom than danger."
"I have talked to Monty, you know."
"But I'm not fallin' for the Robin Hood schtick."
"Oh, no. We make a decent cut. It's pretty steady work. But out here, the black market guys are the heroes. The Federation are the revenuers."
Jo started laughing, because that was exactly something like her daddy would say. Jim smiled at her as she laughed, but also looked a bit confused.
"What about the hostage thing?"
"Well." He cleared his throat. "That ship wasn't supposed to be carrying passengers. But it did have a medical shipment we needed."
"We'd never taken hostages before. But we weren't quite sure what to do, otherwise. A pirate can't show his soft underbelly."
She stood and walked over to him, sliding her hand under his shirt to trace his belly button. "I kind of like that soft underbelly."
There wasn't much talking after that.
Jim found her in the mess, sharing a sandwich with Monty. He plopped down in the seat across from her. "So. A few hours."
Monty stood up. "On that note. I'll see ya before ya leave, Jo." He picked up his sandwich and headed towards his room.
"We can drop you wherever you want." He looked at her, eyes pleading. "I could take you in the little grasshopper. Shuttle you down-"
"Monty's going to beam me."
"Ah. Well, that's fine."
"Into the Nausicaa spaceport. It'll get me where I need to go."
"Oh." His face completely wiped clean. "Oh."
"I'll call Daddy to meet me. I'm sure he's been worried sick."
Jo popped the last bite of her sandwich and wiped off the crumbs before standing, giving Jim a slap on the back.
"See you later, Jim."
"Yeah. See you later."
Jim didn't come to the transporter to see her off. He was holed up in his room. Doing 'things."
Monty just sighed and shook his head. "He's a hedgehog."
"I figured." She hugged the man. "Bye Monty. See you."
Monty had contacted her father, so he was waiting for her on the platform. He swept her up into a fierce hug.
"Christ, Jo. I was worried sick about you. And then Monty Scott contacted me and told me you were with 'em, and to be here. What in sam hell is going on?"
"It's kind of a long story. And you aren't allowed to kill him."
"Kill who?" Leonard froze. "Oh. Hell no."
"No killing, daddy. No maiming. He's going to be your son-in-law."
"Maybe a little maiming."
She was feeling magnanimous. "Maybe a little."
"Bones!" His voice echoed in the empty waiting room. It was after posted hours. "Bones, Bones, Bones, Bones, Bones!"
"What?" Bones was in the back, but came out, holding a folder, looking tired and a bit flustered, and maybe a bit happy like he sometimes got when he did something complicated and life-saving.
"I'm back, and you wouldn't believe what-"
"Did you get the supplies I needed?"
"Yeah. And some surplus, but that's not important. There was this girl."
"There's always a girl."
"But not like this. A rack like you wouldn't believe, but-"
"They're all stacked like-"
"BUT- she was awesome. Un-fucking-believably awesome. Perfect. Perfect woman. I need you to help me track her down. I figured that if she was a doctor, you'd be able to-"
Jo walked into the room, wearing scrubs and carrying a PADD. She handed the PADD to Leonard. "I need you to sign off on this, daddy."
Leonard took the form and initialed it, looking at Jim's face through the corner of his eye. Jim had gone sheet white, then his skin pinked as saucer-sized eyes travelled between father and daughter.
"Hi, Jim." She smirked as she walked back to the door, leaving Jim alone with her father.
Jim apparently picked up on that too, because his eyes fell on Leonard and stayed there.
"What was this again, about an awesome girl?"
"Shit." He turned to run, but the hypo got him first.
Jo came back into the room and looked down at him. "He sure is gullible sometimes."
"Yeah. Fun, ain't it?"
"When are you gonna let him off the hook?"
"Depends. When's the wedding?"
"That was an evil, evil thing you did to me."
They were sitting on the swing in her daddy's back porch, looking at the purple lawn.
"You did it to yourself. If you had told me how you felt I probably would have owned up."
"I figured you knew. I mean, with the stupidity and the nakedness, and everything. I'm smooth, dammit."
"Sure. Smooth. That's exactly how daddy described you."
"He talked about me? I'm sure he mentioned something about how brilliant I am."
"Lots of four letter words involved, though. Every other sentence ending with 'he means well."
"I do. And, I'm totally handsome."
Jo shook her head, looking sad. "Well, it's not like I love you for your mind."
She punched him in the shoulder. "Your heart, dumbass. Your heart."
When he grumbled something about being a badass pirate, she kissed him.