Disclaimer : Axletia Rosonetis owns nothing except this fanfiction that you are laying your eyes on. XD
My first Bleach oneshot, yay ! ^^ It's a crack-fic, and of course most of the characters are going to be OOC, just to warn anybody who reads this. It parodies Episode 147 of the anime, and I'm surprised that I couldn't find anything like this when I searched. XD Oh, well. Hopefully it's good for only being worked on in an hour.
And for the future record, I adore Rukia. :3
" Nel wants to keeeel the Frosted Flakes tiger ! "
Ichigo furrowed his eyebrows. He was sick and tired of being a babysitter for an Arrancar who had the intelligence level of a squirrel. Orihime just had to be kidnapped by some emo Espada, Rukia just had to get separated from the rest of the group, and Chad just had to make his puke-inducing burritos in the middle of nowhere. And now to add to that, he had a group of idiots following him, Uryu, Chad, and Renji, with a four-foot whiner who had it out for Rukia big time as their leader. To some, Nel would be an adorable little plushie that you could squeeze and glomp with crushing her. Ichigo Kurosaki, however, was not a huggable Soul Reaper that solely wanted to hug plushy Arrancars all day. Business was business, Aizen was supposed to get his ass kicked, and Orihime still owed him booze money. He didn't need Nel contributing to his giant lawsuit.
She tugged on the cuff of his Soul Reaper outfit, which he never remembered what it was called. " Ichigo ! Nel doesn't know where we're at ! Nel's scared and wants to burrow into Ichigo's chest ! "
Of course she didn't know where they were. Nobody knew. Well, Pesche knew, but it's more fun to point out a sign that pops out of nowhere. Uryu pointed to the sign. " Mentos Forest, " he read, adjusting his glasses in a geeky fashion. " Hn. I wonder why it's called that. "
Chad shrugged. " I don't know, but I started to get hungry ever since we set out for Las Noches. Want a burrito, Uryu ? "
Uryu grimaced. " I thought I told you that you couldn't talk to me. "
" I defy all logic. Burrito ? "
" DON'T TALK TO ME ! "
The dark-skinned man sniffled and held his plate of burritos close to him. Dondochakka, who probably didn't know what a burrito was but probably didn't care, hugged the human. " We can be friends, Chaddy. We can play and play and eat your yummy burritos, whatever they are. "
Chad nodded. Renji stood silent and decided that he wouldn't participate in any more crack-fics after he found out that he was being paired up with his rival in cookie-selling, Byakuya. Ichigo screamed into his hands as Nel tried to crawl into his chest and snuggle herself away from all of life's problems, and Bawabawa slobbered over everything as usual.
Finally, everyone started to analyze their surroundings. Giant Diet Coke bottles seemed to cover almost every square inch of the forest. There was also stubby grass and pointy rocks, but no one seemed to really care about them, except for Uryu, who now had a detective's hat and a giant magnifying glass. " How wonderful ! Do you know how this grass and these pointy rocks could boost my power as a Quincy ? " he asked to himself. " I could avenge anybody I want and defect from the Quincy village if I just knew how to grind this stuff up into a thick powder ! "
Ichigo rolled his eyes as he tossed Nel out of his clothing and at a Diet Coke bottle. " Good. Now all you need is a brother that's killed your entire clan and you'll be all set for being an emo heartthrob. " He snorted. " Could we actually figure out why the Mentos Forest is called the Mentos Forest instead of standing around like a bunch of Twilight wannabes ? "
" You mean fangirls, Kurosaki. "
" Dammit, I don't know why the hell the manga-ka decided that you should be a main character when you're obviously a smart-ass jack-ass. "
" And I don't know how the manga-ka decided to nickname you 'Strawberry' when you clearly smell like an ogre's foot, " Uryu retorted, gently poking Ichigo with his sword thingie. " Why don't you get over yourse- ow ! "
Nel bit Uryu on the leg and stomped her feet on the ground. " Meanie ! Nel wants Glasses Boy to stop picking on Ichigo ! "
Uryu glared at the little Arrancar. " And Uryu wants Nel to go crawl into a hole.....scientifically. "
Suddenly, a group of Hollowfied fangirls rushed Uryu into a mob and instantly killed him, affecting absolutely no one. Chad held up his plate of burritos again. " Burrito ? "
Everyone ignored Chad as no one wanted to get food poisoning. They all stood silent for once, except for Renji surprisingly, who started to ramble about the true meaning of democracy and how the government wants to communize the health care benefits of faraway America. Since everybody knows that Renji is supposed to be cool and know nothing about politics, everyone in the rest of the group ignored him except for Pesche, who vaguely understood his concepts.
" So, if I switch my car insurance to Geico, I'll be all right ? "
Renji nodded. " Yes. You'll be safe from all intruders and Byakuya. "
" Who's Byakuya ? "
" My ultra-super-duper-smexy nemesis. "
" Mr. Smexy ? " Pesche appeared puzzled.
" No, that's Ashido. "
" Who ? "
" The guy who's going to be in a filler episode with Rukia while we run around in circles like a bunch of retards, " Renji replied. " Now, I don't mean to rush you, Pesche, but I do believe you wanted to switch your insurance to Geico ? "
Pesche nodded as he took out a pen and was subsesquently killed by seven ninja who worked for State Farm, along with Renji, Chad, Dondochakka, and Bawabawa, who were all advocates of Geico. Ichigo sweatdropped at the bloody mess. " This is why I don't drive....." he mumbled to himself before he saw Nel making forward motions on his leg and groaned. " Note to self : find Light Yagami and become best friends with him again so I can grab his Death Note and kill this sonuvablockhead, " he thought.
He looked down at Nel, who beamed at him with sparkling teal eyes. " Get the hell offa me ! " the boy snapped, kicking Nel into a wall.
Despite being in agonizing pain, Nel turned her head to Ichigo and started to wail. " WAAAAAH ! ICHIGO DOESN'T LIKE NEL AND NOW ICHIGO'S GOING TO SELL NEL TO THE FROSTED FLAKES TIGER SO NEL COULD BE HIS LOVE SLAAAAAAVE ! " She banged her fists on the stubby grass and kicked her legs back and forth. " AND THEN ICHIGO'S GOING TO GO FIND MRS. SKANK WITH MR. SMEXY AND CAUSE WORLD WAR THREEEEEE ! "
" What the hell's wrong with you ?! And where did you learn a five-word no-no ?! "
Nel sniffled and abruptly stopped her blubbering, oblivious to all of the pain and cadavers around her. " Nel listens to a lot of liberal media, " she said.
" Well, you need to stop screaming like a banshee before you get us killed like Geico killed all of our friends, " Ichigo replied, scooping Nel into his arms. Looks like he was stuck being a babysitter for another couple hundred years. " Listen, Nel, if we get out of this forest alive and get back my booze money from Orihime, I'll take you to any ramen bar in Japan. I know a guy who does fake I.D.s....well, I did before he was mobbed by a bunch of fangirls about ten minutes ago. " The Soul Reaper sweatdropped. " Eh, I think you could get in Ichiraku's if you pose as a puppy. "
" Yay ! Nel be puppy ! " She squirmed happily in his arms. " Could Nel and Ichigo kill the Frosted Flakes tiger afterwards ? "
Knowing that Tony the Tiger didn't actually exist in real life, Ichigo nodded and carried Nel deeper into the forest. There was an ominous hue in the sky as something blocked their path from Mrs. Skan-....Rukia and Las Noches. They were colossal....they were circular and white.....
.....they were Mentos ?
Ichigo looked up at the sky and dropped Nel. " This is why I don't drink caffeine, son of a bitch ! "
The Arrancar scratched her head. " Why did Ichigo use a five-word no-no ? "
" Because....there's gonna be Hell to pay. Diet Coke and Mentos Hell, to be exact. "
" Wha ?....."
" RUN ! "
Once again Ichigo scooped up Nel in his arms and rolled under an old bridge as the Mentos jumped into several Diet Coke bottles and caused a giant explosion, killing Mr. Smexy from faraway and disappointed dozens of fangirls who appreciated the filler hunk of a Soul Reaper. Rukia was also killed, later reviving herself and vowing revenge at Ichigo for no apparent reason. Nel squealed as she burrowed her face into Ichigo's chest. " Nel wants world domination ! Do you hear me, Ichigo ?! NEL WANTS WORLD A-DOMMMNASHEON ! "
" SHUDDUP ! " Ichigo hissed. " You have no idea what you're trying to get yourself into ! "
" Yes, I do ! " Nel sobbed. " All Nel ever wanted in life was to have a cheeseburger and a Diet Coke in a scary forest ! Ichigo wouldn't understand that because he's a big, bad Soul Reaper and only cares about that Rukia girl ! "
" I do not ! You've gotta be less selfish, or else I'm never taking you home with me ! "
Another couple dozen Mentos plunged into Diet Coke bottles, explosions splattering everything with Diet Coke promptly after that. They were holding each other closely, soaked with pop, and Nel looked up at Ichigo with a quivering lip. She trembled in his arms as she sniffed at the strange-smelling substance. " You'd...You'd really take Nel home with you ? " she asked almost in a whisper.
Oblivious to any type of romance, flirting, or hitting up on, Ichigo scowled. " Well, that's a stupid question ! Do you really want to stay in a place where you're freshly covered in something sticky every five minutes ?! "
Nel tapped her chin thoughtfully and nodded happily, which prompted Ichigo to sweatdrop and blanch at the Arrancar that was in his arms. " I honestly don't want to know, " he muttered. " Let's just get out of here and get my booze money. "
" Yes, Soul Reaper ! "
They rolled towards the other side of the bridge and hastily made a run for it. The Mentos, clearly busy with the tidepools of Diet Coke they made, lived in bliss for the rest of their lives until Aizen decided to make an annhilation plan and kill everything in the forest.
And Ichigo never had a can of pop, Mentos, or a burrito ever again, and neither did Nel, who eventually acquired the title of 'Best in Show' at the worldwide puppy competition.