This fic is the reason Surge and game shows should never ever be mixed. Come to think of it, Surge and anything should never be mixed. The sugar content in that stuff has been known to cause brain damage. (This fic and its author being case in point.)
Disclaimer: I do not own Wheel of Fortune. I do not own Invader Zim. I own nothing but myself, because I am too poor to own anything else. In fact, I am so broke that I am seriously considering selling my soul on eBay for cash. Any takers?
(Cheesy game show theme music plays in the background. The words 'Wheel of Fortune' appear on the TV screen in gigantic letters.)
K'Rin: Hi folks, and welcome to Wheel of Fortune! My name's K'Rin, and aside from authoring this fic, I will also be your host for today! Any questions before we begin?
Guy in the Audience: Yeah. What happened to Pat Sajak?
K'Rin: (laughs uncomfortably) Funny you should mention that. He's…um…indisposed at the moment.
(Cut to Pat Sajak. He's tied up in a closet with Vanna White, the real contestants, and some guy off the street K'Rin threw in, just so she wouldn't waste closet space.)
K'Rin: But never mind that! I'll be standing in for him. Before we start playing, let me introduce our contestants!
(Camera pans over to the players. Gaz is threatening Zim because Gir reset her Gameslave. The Tallests are arguing over a curly fry, and Dib is trying to convince an audience member that the poltergeists living in his refrigerator are responsible for freezer burn.)
K'Rin: Our contestants will be playing in pairs. Our first team is brother and sister duo Dib and Gaz! (Dib waves, Gaz glares at K'Rin) Our second team is the self-proclaimed lord of all humans and his loyal robot slave, Zim and Gir! (Zim looks annoyed, Gir tumbles off the podium) And our last, but certainly not least, players are the current rulers of the Irken Empire, and future dictators of the entire universe, Tallests Red and Purple! (Purple smiles and waves. Red snatches the curly fry from Purple, shoves it in his mouth, and grins around a mouth full of potato)
K'Rin: (claps her hands together) Okay, let's begin! The rules are simple. Spin the wheel, and consonants are worth whatever value it lands on. Vowels must be bought. Zim, you and Gir won the coin toss, you go first.
(Zim shoots a smug look at Dib, and reaches down to spin the wheel.)
Red: Hey! How come he gets to go first? We are the lords of an immensely powerful empire, you know!
K'Rin: Zim and Gir won the coin toss. It was perfectly fair.
Dib: A coin toss? But there are three teams! A coin only has two sides!
K'Rin: SILENCE! And stop pointing out flaws in my logic. Zim, spin the wheel.
(Zim spins the wheel. It lands on 200.)
K'Rin: Okay Zim, pick a letter.
Zim: Letter #*.
K'Rin: Human letter, please.
Zim: This pathetic excuse for entertainment requires the use of the inferior human alphabet? Why should an invader of my status even bother to participate?
K'Rin: (grins devilishly) You know, Zim, I'm glad you asked that question. You see, this is no ordinary Wheel of Fortune. This is Wheel of Fortune…X-Treme!
K'Rin: No, X-Treme! Regular Wheel of Fortune is too boring. But the ratings automatically improve when I tack 'X-Treme' onto the title. Like X-Treme football, or X-Treme wrestling. Get it?
Dib: So how's the game different?
K'Rin: Well, it's not really. That's the point. Oh…wait. There is one tiny detail. Losers will be hurled into the Dimension of Eternal Screaming and Restlessness. (The floor opens up so that K'Rin and the contestants are standing on platforms suspended over a pit of hellfire and brimstone.)
Guy in the Audience: Those effects are so fake.
(The floor closes up again.)
K'Rin: Zim, I believe you were about to pick a letter?
Zim: If I must select a human letter, I choose 'Z'.
K'Rin: Excellent choice! Since Vanna White is also…indisposed, Ms. Bitters will be standing in. Ms. Bitters, would you reveal the letters, please?
Ms. Bitters: When I was your age, I was on a game show too. Then it all went horribly wrong!
(Flashback: Ms. Bitters as a young girl is on a Jeopardy-type game show. She picks up the buzzer to buzz in. When she presses the button, the buzzer explodes, delivering a massive electric shock.)
Ms. Bitters: The lesson here: Fun inevitably leads to agonizing electrocution!
K'Rin: (stares) Ooooookaaaaay, how about I turn over the letters. (The letter 'Z' appears on two places on the board. K'Rin uncovers them.) Zim, you get to spin again!
(Zim spins the wheel again. It lands on the 'Bankrupt' square.)
K'Rin: Sorry Zim. That means you lose both the spin and all your points.
Zim: WHAT? What kind of idiotic human— (K'Rin's finger is hovering over the 'hurl contestant into the Dimension of Eternal Screaming and Restlessness' button.) Hehe. I mean, very well.
K'Rin: (grins) Almighty Tallests Red and Purple, you spin next.
Purple: How come you always say his name first? He stole my curly fry!
K'Rin: Fine. If that really upsets you, you get to spin the wheel.
Purple: (makes a face at Red)
Red: (kicks Purple under the podium)
Purple: Ow! Hey!
Guy in Audience: Just spin the wheel already!
(Purple spins. It stops on 400 points.)
K'Rin: Pick a letter. (shoots a look at Zim) A human letter.
Red: (pushes Purple off podium) Oooo, ooo, let me pick! I pick 'R'.
K'Rin: Yes, there are two 'R's. (Flips over the letters on the board. Ms. Bitters is attempting to instruct the nearest portion of the audience on the dangers of ice cream, especially the irreversible life -threatening effects of brainfreeze.) Okay, spin again!
Purple: (climbs back up on podium, pulling Red off in the process) My turn! (spins wheel)
Red: How come he always gets to spin?
Purple: How come you always get to pick letters?
Red: I only picked one! You spun twice!
K'Rin: Um, it doesn't really matter, because the wheel just landed on 'Bankrupt.' Dib, Gaz, it's your spin.
Gaz: I'll do it.
Dib: But I'm older!
Gaz: (has already spun the wheel)
K'Rin: Oooo, 900 points. Good spin!
Gaz: The letter 'L'.
K'Rin: Yes, there is an 'L'. (reveals 'L') Spin again.
Dib: Before I spin, I'd just like to let everyone know that ZIM IS AN ALIEN!!!
Guy in Audience: Brilliant deduction Einstein!
K'Rin: I think everyone here is aware of that fact.
Dib: Don't they care about his evil plans of…of…EVIL?
K'Rin: Half of those people wish Zim would take over Earth. The rest think he's a moron, so they're not really too concerned.
Dib: (snickers) Hear that Zim?
K'Rin: So? You should hear what they say about you!
Dib: What? What do they say?
K'Rin: They say you're an idiot with an overly-large head and no chance of stopping Zim. But they like your trench coat.
Dib: Well, it is a pretty nice coat…BUT MY HEAD IS NOT BIG!
(While Dib is distracted by K'Rin, Gaz spins the wheel again. It lands on 400.)
Gaz: Letter 'X'.
K'Rin: Yes, there is an 'X'.
Dib: Hey! It was my turn!
Gaz: You were taking too long. And you're bad at games anyway.
Dib: Am not! I spin next.
(Dib spins the wheel.)
K'Rin: Bankrupt! What a shame.
Gaz: I told you you were bad.
Dib: I think this game is rigged.
K'Rin: (Hides wheel controls behind her back.) Dib, where do you get these ridicules ideas? Zim, we're back to you!
Gir: Ooooo, lemme do it! Lemme do it!
Zim: No, Gir.
Gir: Yay! (spins wheel anyway)
Zim: Gir! Didn't I just tell you not to—
Dib: Wow, Zim. Looks like your robot…dog…thing is as stupid as you.
Zim: Wretched human fool! Gir's not stupid, he's so advanced he only appears stupid to primitive beasts like you!
Red and Purple: (snicker)
Gir: P! I pick P! P is for the Scary Monkey!
K'Rin: (Isn't gonna go there) Okay, there is one P.
Guy in the Audience: Hey! Hey you! The kid with the freakish green skin! Solve the puzzle! Solve the puzzle you moron!
K'Rin: I'm really getting sick of him. Zim, would you like to solve the puzzle?
Zim: (Stares intently at board) Yes. The answer is 'Prrzzlx'.
K'Rin: That is absolutely…CORRECT!
Dib: What? But 'prrzzlx' isn't even a real word!
K'Rin: Did I ever say it was a real word?
Gaz: (Doesn't like losing) This game is stupid. I'm leaving.
K'Rin: You can't leave!
Gaz: (Glowers at K'Rin) Who's gonna stop me?
Guy in Audience: Yeah! Go little purple haired chick!
Red and Purple: (Fighting in the background.)
Red: Give it back!
Red: Gimme my laser!
Purple: Every time you have a laser, my eye gets shot out! NO!
Gir: PIGGY! (Pulls piggy out of his head)
Zim: Aaaaahhh! Gir! Get that disgusting beast away! (Knocks piggy into Dib and Gaz. It smacks Gaz's Gameslave out of her hands.)
Gaz: GAH! You…will…PAY!
Dib: Yaaaahhh! It's probably some kind of hideous alien explosive device! GET IT AWAY! (Hits the piggy into the Tallests.)
Purple: (Accidentally shoots himself in the eye) Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!
Red: (Snags laser) Hehehe.
(Piggy runs in terror, straight into K'Rin.)
Gir: My…my…MY PIGGY!! (Tackles K'Rin to get at piggy)
Guy in Audience: Whoooooo! Go little robot thing! Kill her! KILL HER!!!
K'Rin: Okay. That's it. (Pushes away Gir and his piggy, and snatches the laser from Red.)
Red: Hey! That's mine!
Guy in Audience: Aaaaaaahhhhh! My eye!
K'Rin: Everybody, QUIET!!!!!
(No one listens. Dib has pulled a water gun out of his trench coat, and is pursuing Zim around and around the room. The studio door bursts open. Pat Sajak, Vanna White, the real contestants, and that guy off the street storm into the room.)
Pat Sajak: That's her! That's the crazy girl who shoved us in the closet! Get her!
K'Rin: Uh-oh. (Punches 'hurl contestant into Dimension of Eternal Screaming and Restlessness' button. Nothing happens.)
K'Rin: Huh? What happened?
Gaz: (Has unplugged the button.) I told you I was leaving. (Walks out of TV studio.)
K'Rin: Hey, you can't—AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Gets mauled by irate game show host.)
Audience: (Cheers wildly)
K'Rin: Hey! That's not—OW!---funny! HEY!
(Show ends as all semblance of sanity dissolves into lunacy and chaos. TV studio erupts in a massive fireball for no apparent reason.)
Well, there you go. The end of the fic. Congratulations on making it this far, I would have hit the 'back' button five minutes ago. Aren't you glad I didn't do 'Survivor'? So, what did you think? Loved it, hated it, think I should lay off the crazy-juice? Review!