Title: What's Wrong With These People?!
Summary: Abby stumbles across a certain fanfic-oriented website…
Author's Note: This was written for NFA's Anniversary Ficlet Challenge... but you don't really have to know NFA to understand the fic.
"Whoa." Her eyes wide, Abby grabs the phone and calls McGee, waiting impatiently for him to pick up.
"Tim – get Gibbs, and Tony, and Ziva, and get down here right now." Without waiting for a response, she hangs up and presses a button on the video-phone on her desk. "Ducky?"
There's a slight pause, and then Palmer's face fills the screen. "Hey, Abby, what-"
Abby interrupts his good-natured greeting without apology, her eyes flitting back to her computer screen. "Is Ducky with you?"
Confused, Palmer glances behind him. "Yeah, he's just about to start the Y-incision-"
"Tell him to stop, and then both of you get to my lab, right now! There's something hinky going on." Out in the hallway, the elevator pings, and Abby turns as Gibbs, Tony, Ziva and McGee pour into the lab.
"You okay?" Tony asks, looking around for danger.
"Yeah – you just gotta see this." Beckoning them closer, she sends the image of the website she found onto the plasma screen on the wall.
"NFA Community Forums," McGee reads out loud. "Hey, that's us!" For a second, they're all silent, staring at the blue banner at the top of the forum.
"What the hell is this?" Gibbs asks, looking to Abby for an explanation.
"It's a discussion forum. You post a topic, and other users can reply to it. It's used for sharing opinions, stories, art, hints and tips, stuff like that. Only this one seems to be about… us."
Ducky and Palmer arrive, and join the others in staring at the banner. "Hey," Palmer says after a second, seeming slightly insulted. "How come Gibbs, Abby and Dr Mallard are on it three times, and I'm not on it at all?"
"I would think you'd be pleased," Ducky answers, and Jimmy frowns, unsure what to think.
"How did someone get a picture of me handcuffed to you?" Gibbs asks Abby, scowling.
"When were you handcuffed to him?" Tony wonders, nudging Abby lasciviously.
Abby shrugs defensively in response to Gibbs' unspoken accusation. "I don't know! I didn't do any of this!"
"Then who did?" Ziva asks, cutting straight to the point, and everyone falls silent again.
"Okay," Abby says after a second, grabbing her computer's mouse. "Let's see what's on here…"
She scrolls down a little, trying to get the lay of the site before clicking any link in particular. When she gets to a certain point, she freezes, and McGee beats her to the exclamation: ''Ship Communities'?!"
"This is so hinky," Abby whispers, clicking the link and watching a list appear on-screen. "How can there be 'shippers of us? Hundreds of them?"
"Ship?" Gibbs asks, perplexed.
"You tell him, Timmy."
"Why do I-?" When Gibbs frowns at him, he cuts off his protest with a sigh. "Boss, ''shipping' is short for 'relationshipping'. It's… People who are fans of movies or TV shows write stories about the characters they want to get into a relationship, and put them on the internet for other fans to read."
"Wait… someone's done that with us?" Tony cocks his head. "Are there any explicit ones?"
As quick as thought, Ziva elbows him in the ribs. "How can that be? We are not in a TV show or movie."
"I don't know. But look…" Abby moves her mouse down the list. "We're first, Gibbs."
"You and Gibbs?" Ducky leans forward incredulously. "Am I in any of these stories?"
"What, with me and Gibbs?" Abby asks with a grin. "I never knew you were the type-"
"Abby," Gibbs interrupts with a sigh.
"Sorry. Ducky, I can't see you, but…" She clicks on a link that says 'Other Het 'Ships', and smiles. "There you are. Ducky/Jenny, Ducky/Ziva, and Ducky/Abby."
"I am not seeing this," Ziva mutters.
Clicking back to the original list, Abby scans it. "Oooh, Tony/McGee… something you wanna tell us, guys?"
Tony and Tim stare at each other in horror. "What's wrong with these people?" Tony asks incredulously.
Abby shrugs. "I wouldn't mind seeing you two get together…"
Tony scowls at the list, and then his eyes light up. "Oooh, Tony/Ziva… Abby, would you do the honours?"
"DiNozzo, will you please step back and look at the implications of this?" Ziva snaps. "People have pictures of us, and they are writing about us. In detail."
Everyone, as one, looks around at McGee. "Gonna come clean, Probie?" Tony says pointedly.
McGee shakes his head. "I did not do this! Why would I write a story about Ziva and Palmer having sex?"
"What?!" Ziva snaps.
"Where?" Palmer's grin almost splits his face.
Abby continues clicking around the site. "Ooh, in this one, Gibbs and Tony get it on in the elevator…"
"Abby, you get this site shut down, right now," Gibbs growls.
"Oh, yeah, right!" She rolls her eyes at him. "I can't just delete a site from the internet at will. It has its own domain, so I can't report it to the host domain for inappropriate content… I'd have to go through the courts, and that'll take weeks, if not months!"
McGee takes over control of the mouse. "The most popular 'ships on the site seem to be Tony with Gibbs, Gibbs with Abby… and me with Ziva." A slight blush colouring his cheeks, he exchanges a glance with the Mossad officer, looking away again when she only stares at him uncomprehendingly.
"So Gibbs and me, and Gibbs and Tony?" Abby says, grinning at the two guys in question. "Are there any with Gibbs, me and Tony?"
After a slight pause, McGee answers, "Yeah, more than one… In this one, Gibbs is a vampire."
"That is so hot," Abby sighs.
"Good lord," Ducky says. "The psychological profiles of these authors must be fascinating…"
"Oh, no!" Abby cries, distressed. "They killed you off in that one, Timmy."
"And that one," Palmer points out.
"And that one," Ziva adds.
"And tha- no, wait, in that one you're just tortured for days," Tony corrects himself. "Guess they really don't like you, McGeek."
Smugly, McGee points to the screen. "Then why do so many of their members have me as their avatar?"
Gibbs stalks toward the door, giving up. "I'm going home…"
"Careful, Gibbs," Abby calls after him. "There are stories where your boat's a sentient character…"
The sound of the elevator doors closing is the only reply she gets.