A/N: Just a little one-shot based on a scene from the episode The Big Record. I just couldn't resist. I do not own any part of Hogan's Heroes or the characters; but I do own the DVDs and enjoy watching them.

***2010 Silver PBA Award Winner: Best Short Comedy***

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Chapter 1

Major Wolfgang Hochstetter slowly walked around the man tied to the chair who did his best to avoid watching him. Finally, he stood in front of the man with a smirk on his face.

"Well, Hogan, nothing to say, eh?" Hochstetter sneered. "I know you had something to do with the sabotage of that bridge! I know it and you know it!"

Hogan let out a deep breath not wanting to show the Gestapo Major how afraid he really was. He wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"Major, you really need to get some new material. This constant assumption that I'm responsible for everything that goes wrong around here is getting old."

Hochstetter growled as his face turned a deep shade of crimson. For a moment Hogan thought the Major was going to hit him, but he refrained from striking the American. Instead, Hochstetter smirked again and chuckled.

"You're trying my patience, Hogan. I will get the truth out of you if it's the last thing I do."

Hogan raised both eyebrows. "Last thing, Major? Are you going somewhere?"

"No, but you will, Hogan, I swear it! You'll go in front of a firing squad, so help me!" Leaning forward, Hochstetter placed both hands on the arms of the chair and brought his face close to Hogan's. "Now Hogan, I want you to tell me who was with you when you blew up that bridge last night. Tell me and I might let you live."

"There was a bridge blown up last night?" Hogan asked, acting surprised. He shook his head. "Boy, sorry I missed it. I miss everything around here."

Hochstetter straightened, turned away and hit the wall near the door. He then turned back to his prisoner. "Hogan, I am warning you. I will ask you one more time. Who helped you blow up the bridge last night?! Answer me!"

"Major, I take back what I said earlier. You don't need new material. You need to get a hobby. You have too much time on your hands."

Again Hochstetter clenched his fist and prepared to punch the American and again held back. He smiled cunningly. "Very well, Colonel. I see we at the Gestapo will be forced to try our new interrogation technique on you."

"New interrogation technique?" Hogan asked with a big grin. "You mean you got three new girls?" (1)

"Not this time. This new technique has proven immensely successful. Every person we have tried it on has cracked within an hour or less and doesn't leave a mark on that person."

Hogan was now beginning to sweat. He began to realize he was in trouble here with no way to help himself. He watched Hochstetter, still smirking, walk to the door and grip the doorknob. He only hoped that whatever this new technique was he could hold out and not reveal anything. He didn't have long to wait.

Opening the door, Hochstetter motioned to someone who was outside. "You'd best come in so we can get started. Colonel Hogan needs some, shall we say, persuasion to cooperate."

Hogan saw the man enter carrying a case and his eyes widened in horror. He recognized the case and the man. He struggled to get free as the man smiling at him opened his case and removed the two objects inside.

"Major, you can't allow this!" shouted Hogan. "It's against the Geneva Convention and is cruel and unusual punishment!"

Hochstetter looked at the man and smiled. "You may begin whenever you're ready," he said folding his arms preparing to watch. He knew it would be painful but he'd just have to bear it.

"Danke, Herr Major." Tucking the violin under his chin, Colonel Wilhelm Klink began to play. And to Hogan who was groaning in agony, what was supposed to be music sounded like two cats having a fight in an alley.

Yes indeed, it was definitely cruel and unusual punishment.


(1) The reference to the three girls is from the episode To The Gestapo With Love where three girls were used by Major Hochstetter as the Gestapo's new interrogation team.