A/N: Inspired by the song "If You Were Gay" from Avenue Q. Love the song, love the musical, felt like killing someone when I found out it left Broadway. :P This kind of sucks and I kind of rushed it, but I really liked it.
Disclaimer: I do not own RENT. I'm just playing with them for a while. They'll be returned to the toy box in their proper conditions at the proper time. Except for Roger… Roger will be returned when I damn well please and will most likely be incredibly, irreversibly traumatized… Sorry.
Avoiding the Question
If you were gay
That'd be okay
I mean cause hey!
I'd like you anyway
Because you see
If it were me
I would feel free to say
That I was gay
But I'm not gay.
"Collins…are you gay, by any chance?" Roger asked suddenly one morning, staring across the metal table at Collins, whom was reading a philosophy text and sipping orange juice.
Collins nearly spit juice all over his text, Maureen burst out laughing and slid onto the sofa over the back; stuffing her fist in her mouth to stop herself snorting, Mark turned his camera towards Collins and nodded in agreement with this inquiry, and Benny just looked awkward and quickly found an excuse to exit the room – which happened the be the need to walk his nonexistent dog.
"Excuse me?" Collins asked with wide eyes. He looked a bit panicked, if you asked Roger. "No, man, no. That's a stupid question, why would you think that?"
"No reason," Roger muttered. "It's just…remember when we were at God-knows-what the name of that club was last week?"
"Yeah," Collins said, brows furrowed as if not able to fathom why Roger would be bringing this into the subject.
"Well, you were getting really friendly with that bartender," Roger said.
"That's called…being nice," Collins finished lamely.
"Leaning across the bar and whispering in his ear is considered being nice now?!" Maureen shrieked, still in hysterics, from the sofa. "Because if it is, I was damned nice to Mark last night!"
"Maureen!" Mark cried, blushing a deep red but secretly satisfied at her mentioning that.
"Pookie?" Maureen agreed, her head peaking up above the back of the sofa with a pout firmly in place.
"Never mind," Mark sighed, shaking his head.
"Anyway, Collins," Roger said, giving the couple a death glare. He was on his way to a breakthrough, God damnit! Could they atleast wait until Collins admitted his homosexuality before they jumped each other's bones? "Are you gay? Because, you know, we'd all be okay with it. With the possible, minuet exception of Benny. But if we talked to him I'm sure he'd get it."
"Rog, I'm not gay," Collins groaned, covering his face with his hands.
"Because, I mean, if it were me, I know you wouldn't care if I was gay," Roger said. "But, I'm not gay…just so you know. That's not what we're leading up to here."
"Zoom in on awkward Roger," Mark narrated, pressing the button on his camera which brought the picture zooming in on Roger biting his lip and shifting in his seat. "He's unsuccessfully trying to get our roommate Collins to come out of the closet. Pan to Collins, said closeted gay."
"I'm not gay, Mark!"
"Pan to Maureen, who's hyperventilating on the couch from laughing so hard," Mark said, panning to Maureen, her chest heaving as she attempted to catch her breath between sniggers.
"Roger, please, just drop it," Collins sighed. "I'm really not. I…like…women." He gave a not so subtle flinch at the statement.
"Say it with a straight face," Roger demanded.
"I like women," Collins said, looking back at his book.
"While looking at me!" Roger added, sensing victory.
"Roger, drop it!" Collins cried. "Why do you care if I'm gay or not?"
"Because we're your friends and we need to know these things about you," Roger said. "You shouldn't have to lie and pretend just to keep it from us. You should be just as comfortable bringing significant others home as me and Benny."
"Yeah!" Maureen agreed. "What should it matter to us what you do in bed with guys?"
"Maureen!" Collins cried. "That's wrong!"
"No it's not!" Maureen insisted. "It's only natural for you! You were just born that way! It's in your DNA."
"OKAY FINE I'M GAY!" Collins bellowed, throwing his hands up. He looked around, expecting victory dances and money from bets long ago made upon his sexuality to be handed out. Though Roger looked like he very badly wanted to get up and do a jig, Collins suspected this was just because the rocker loved being right and no one got up.
"Cool," Maureen giggled. She clapped. "Horaaay…I've got a gay best friend…"
"You're a closeted faghag, aren't you Maureen?" Mark asked.
"Not very closeted, Marky," Maureen giggled. "But yes. Collins, baby, I love you lots!" she got up and ran over to give her best friend a tackling hug, before walking back over to the sofa and again sliding onto it the wrong way. Collins simply shook his head at her, mouth agape, and stared back across the table at Roger.
"I blame you for this," he informed.
"Good for you, man," Roger said with a smirk, getting up to walk over to Mark. He muttered, "You owe me ten bucks, man."
Collins' eyes narrowed as he saw Mark slip something into Roger's hand.
"I KNEW IT!"
You can count on me
To always be
Beside you everyday
To tell you it's okay
You were just born that way
And as they say, it's in your DNA
If you were gay.
You can count on me
A/N Just a little bit of nonsense. I love nonsense. :D