Last Will and Temperament (Ecchi Version)

by Reanna King

(based on the skit by The Frantics)

Notes: I couldn't resist. It just seemed to work. Flame me if you like, because I deserve it for taking three half-ass minutes to create an ecchi version of the previous fic. To everyone else, I hope you find this amusing...

(Seated in the white couches in the observatory sit AKIO, SAIONJI, NANAMI, JURI, UTENA, ANSHII AND MIKI. AKIO is holding a piece of paper)

AKIO: With the death of Kiryuu Touga comes many levels of grief for all of us, but I have been empowered to read his last will and testament.

SAIONJI: Well, get on with it...

NANAMI: Oh, my poor Onii-sama! [wails]

UTENA: Oh, there there, Nanami...

ANSHII: I never knew a kinder man.

AKIO: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.

UTENA: [bored] Of course...

SAIONJI: [grumbles]

AKIO: I, Kiryuu Touga, being of sound mind and body--

SAIONJI: That's a laugh. [laughs]

AKIO: --Do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my clinging sister, Nanami...

NANAMI: (wails)

MIKI: Nanami, I think he's talking about you...

NANAMI: Oh.

AKIO: Who clung to me like a leech... swarming with her annoying cronies all over me, day after day...

NANAMI: Wha...?

AKIO: To Nanami I leave... a ****.

NANAMI: A what?!

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

NANAMI: AAHHH!!

MIKI: Nanami, are you okay?

AKIO: And to Miki Kaoru, my wise and intelligent companion...

MIKI: Huh?

AKIO: A withering, wimpy wad incapable of making his own decisions... I leave a ****.

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

MIKI: GYAAH!!

(SAIONJI laughs)

NANAMI: This is an outrage!

AKIO: But still, you are my sister... you have admired my place as Student Council President, and since I am no longer living...

NANAMI: Oh, my Onii-sama is so kind!

AKIO: I bequeath another ****.

NANAMI: What?

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

NANAMI: YAAAAH!

(SAIONJI laughs)

AKIO: And one more for Miki.

MIKI: Eep...

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

MIKI: EEEEEK!

AKIO: Next, to my dear friend, Saionji Kyouichi...

SAIONJI: Hey, I don't want a ****.

AKIO: To dear Saionji, who's been a jerk and a delusional asshole for most of the years I've known him...

SAIONJI: Uh, I really gotta go...

AKIO: I leave my favorite kendo sword and my best kendo uniform.

SAIONJI: Really?

AKIO: And a ****.

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

SAIONJI: AUUGHHH!!!

AKIO: And another for Nanami and Miki!

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

NANAMI: HEY!!

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

MIKI: WAAAUUGHHH!!

AKIO: Next, to my friend Tenjou Utena... whom I have long desired from the bottom of my heart...

UTENA: This is so predictable...

AKIO: I leave a ****.

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

UTENA: UGH!! I knew it...

AKIO: And one for Nanami and Miki.

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

NANAMI: YYAHHH!!

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

MIKI: WAAAHHH!

AKIO: And now to Himemiya Anshii...

ANSHII: Oh... Kiryuu-sempai is so kind... I don't want anything, really...

AKIO: Who's been a kind friend to everyone... Who's served faithfully as the Rose Bride for all this time...

ANSHII: Oh, I didn't mind...

AKIO: To Himemiya Anshii I bequeath... a ****.

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

ANSHII: GAAHH!

AKIO: And one for Nanami and Miki.

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

NANAMI: YEEEK!

(UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS)

MIKI: AAAHHH!

AKIO: And so, to my colleague Juri, I leave my entire vast... ****.

JURI: GAAAH!! BASTARD!

AKIO: And finally, to Ohtori Akio, who has helped me on this will... I leave not a ****, but a rabid tasmanian devil... to be placed in his trousers... OOH AHH!!! And I leave my entire estate to the people of Ohtori, so they can all afford to go somewhere decent!

MIKI: Is that it?

UTENA: That's all?

SAIONJI: That's disgraceful!

AKIO: There's one last thing for everyone.

SAIONJI: Cover up your heads, everyone.

AKIO: I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream.

MIKI: Ice cream?

SAIONJI: Ice cream?

UTENA: Ice cream... that's all?

AKIO: That's all.

ANSHII: What flavor is it?

AKIO: ****!

(SEVERAL UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS FOLLOW)