This is a personal rant...look at it as just a glimpse into what I'm feeling and what I'm currently dealing with...Just look at this from Haruka's POV, that's normally what I write from.


I'll Miss You...

I feel so alone right now. Everywhere I look I see happiness. I have to bite my lip and simply plaster a smile on my face. They never notice how much I'm falling apart on the inside. They never have. And I don't think they ever will. She's leaving. The one person I came to know and actually trust is leaving me. She's leaving me just like all of the others did.

They all forget about me. Even after claiming they won't. All of them do. I'm with this girl or that girl for a few months, even years. Whenever we break up her and I talk for another month or so. And then we'd go for years without saying a word. She claims that won't happen, they all said the same thing though. She tells me she's not like my exes were. I still don't believe her. She left me for the same reason the rest of them do. Well, it's not just one reason. It's two reasons. My jealousy finally gets to them, and they meet someone new.

She asked me to take her to the airport this Friday. So she could leave and be with the other woman. I'm such a fucking moron for saying yes. Why do I keep torturing myself like this? I need to just let her go. But I'm afraid to. I spend time with so many different people, but I never cared for, or loved any of them the way I love her. The way I still love her.

I've got such a tough demeanor...that's what I want everybody to see anyway. It's easier that way. It's so much easier for them to think that nothing fazes me. Even she's come to believe that my skin is like stone. I can't keep everything bottled inside forever. Every element has it's bursting point. Mine finally hit me when she told me she was leaving. Flying half way across the country to be with someone she's known for 4 months. Someone she tells me she feels this great connection to.

I don't understand it. How can you feel so madly in love with someone you know so little about. Yes, I believe in love at first sight, but to me there's a difference between love, and in love. She tells me day in, and day out how much she's in love with her. And then she tells me she feels like our time together was cut short because of it. I don't believe her. If she really felt like our time was cut short, why did she end it?

Look at me...I'm crying. Again...It's something I've become accustomed to as of late. My eyes spend more time shedding tears then they do sleeping anymore. I don't think I've slept more then 3 or 4 hours a night since her and I split. My sleep is full of nightmares. Nightmares of death, murder, suicide, monsters...anything that will wake me up.

I don't know what I'm going to do when she leaves. Lord only knows when I'll get to see her again, if I get to see her again. I don't know if it's going to be a relief to me, or if I'm going to crumble even more then I am right now.

I can't do this anymore...I'll miss you...I look at you and I already miss you, even though you haven't left yet. Just, please don't forget, I'll always love you.